LA, thanks for the smile, I was concerned that I'd let you down.

Cat, I remember when you'd asked me to list my fears out, and then helped me look at them objectively. Looking at them together, not alone, it felt a lot less scary. Took away their hold on me. And you still point these out to me. Do you think something like that would help you, today?

You mentioned also something akin to agoraphobia. What do you think about addressing the anxiety in IC? I learned breathing exercises, and it helps, to have a tool like that.

Cat:

Have you tried asking for strategies on how to get a room painted with an OCPD husband on the OCPD Discussion Board?

You have to overcome his Demand Resistance to even doing the project at all.

Then you have to overcome his perfectionism.

From what I read on that board, the only way to make progress is to decide you are going to do and then do it. If you give him the power over whether it gets done or not, then it will take a very long time.

*slaps self on forehead*

No, it never even occurred to me. Thanks.

And please stop doing what you don't feel happy doing. If your feet hurt, then get off them. Your feet are talking to you, and you are ignoring them.

I've been reading this book lately that equates our bodies to a baby. A baby can't communicate other than to cry. So when we hurt, our body is crying out trying to tell us something. When you ignore that cry in order to do something that you don't really want to do, not only your feet will hurt, but your brain and your heart.

I'm guessing that part of the reason you keep painting even after a reasonable hour has passed is that if you stop, your dh will stop, and you fear he will never start again. So you'll end up with a room half-painted. Is this close?

No, I don't stop because if I do H blows up and goes on a rampage, slamming doors and stomping around and yelling about how he has to do all the work in the house, no one ever helps him, we take him for granted, he should just go kill himself...I'm fully aware it's all manipulation and totally ridiculous and his way of getting what he wants. Knowing it doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't keep me from crying all night. It doesn't make him stop.

Cat, when I was rereading my thread, I forgot which incident it was, but you suggested to me that I leave the house for two or three days. I wasn't ready then, and I understand if you're not today. But I ask you to consider this, too, to really clarify this for you and for him, that you care about yourself and your marriage too much to allow this to continue. You could even let him know ahead of time, at a calm time, why you don't intend to stick around for any more AOs.

You're right, thanks. I need to do that. I have been looking for ways to mention our relationship in a safe way, and have managed a few times to say things. For instance, I have offered up twice now that I would like it if he would go to one of our counseling sessions (mine or D18's). He doesn't respond, of course, but he doesn't get mad, either. I've talked about my issues and how I'm working on them. The other day, I even brought up that his characteristics are that of someone with OCPD! He doesn't know what that means, but it points out, I think, that I'm looking into our relationship and finding ways to improve it.

The one thing I have the trouble with is the boundaries, because that is flat out saying that what he does is harmful to me. I need to work on it, though.

I was wondering this morning why this weekend was such a trigger for me. I think it's because we've gone so long without him taking an active step in meeting my EN for household repair, that when he just up and bought the paint, it was like someone just plopped a grand piano in my lap or something, I was so excited. And when it became a struggle, it was like finding out it was really a little electronic keyboard hiding in a fake grand piano cover. Disappointing. Gotta work on that.

Cat,

Why would your counseling session be about his OCPD characteristics?

LA

No, that's not what I meant. I told him. He was talking about something smelling bad and giving him a headache, and D18 and I couldn't even smell anything! So I said something like 'You know, I learned the other day that people with OCPD have extremely sensitive senses of smell and get headaches from it. And there are a lot of other characteristics of OCPD that fit your personality.'

He didn't bite, though, lol.

I guess that was a drive-by for me. Someday I'll sit down and discuss it with him and see if he's up to listening. But I need to learn more about it first. I've tried twice to sign up at that website (you have to be approved) and haven't gotten a response, so I can't post over there yet (or ever).

Cat:
I think I have a log on on that board so if you send me what you would like to post I can put it up there for you.

Thanks! I actually have two questions. One was what you suggested about the painting - how do you work with someone who has to do it perfectly and has to control how it's done?

The other was, how do you approach someone about the subject so that they'd be willing to consider they have it without it being an attack? You know, my H seems incapable of thinking he's wrong about anything (thus believing he does all the work at our house), so I doubt he'd be willing to consider that he might actually have OCPD.

Hi Cat, I hope my previous posts haven't come across as uncaring because I really think you have a hard situation on your hands. Regarding the thing where you husband thinks he does it all, regardless of you pointing out many other things that you and your daughter do, perhaps he thinks only the things he does are important.

So, dishes, shopping, cleaning, and other typical "female" tasks are unimportant, therefore he doesn't have to control them. Painting, installing appliances, car maintance, landscaping the backyard, these are important to him, and draw his attention for controlling perfectionism.

This leads to a situation where either he does nothing about something because it's "unimiportant" and doesn't even exist in his mind to something that is utterly important and must take all of his attention.

Dunno if this makes any sense, but it might be why he claims he does everything.

You're probably right. He knows the other things are there, but he probably does place them on another plane from him. This morning we were getting dressed. He turned to talk to me, putting on his shirt, and, as he always does, he rips off the dry cleaning tag they staple into the buttonhole, and just lets go of it as he's talking to me. It drifts down to the ground, and I guess I was just so shocked to see him actually do it that my mouth fell open. I mean, I knew he did it, because I'm always having to pick them up off the floor (along with his dirty Q-tips and everything else). But to do it 12 inches away from my face...I was just flabbergasted. He saw my look, looked down, looked back at me (by now I was a little ticked), and he actually bent down and picked it up and threw it away.

But there it is, right there. In his world, where his mommy continued to follow around cleaning up after him for 3 years after we were married (she lived with us), there's no such thing as personal responsibility around the house. It's just something women do and men don't consider.

grrr

Oh well, at least he picked it up.

Hi Cat, I am cracking up as I read along, after I picked up salame wrap on countertop, candy wrapper from couch, one pair of socks next to the couch, another pair at the laundry room door!!! I made it my mission this week NOT to snap, but boy my inside is boiling.

I promise myself my boys will be well trained so that their wives would not have to wish their husbands were brought up differently.

Echo, my whole life I wanted to have three boys. My main reason was so that I could raise them to take care of themselves and not expect women to be their housekeeper, cook, and mother. I figured that would be my contribution to the world - to raise 3 men who would treat women right, and then those families would raise more boys like that, and then their boys...

Oh well, we can dream, can't we?

Cat, I was the oldest of 6, 4 boys, and I was hoping to have girls, because to me they were much easier!

Now that my brothers and sister are grown, finally!, I can see a lot of benefits to having sons, too. They are so full of energy, it's a lot of fun to be around them. We can get a LOT of work done together in VERY little time. They got together and painted their whole house in two weeks, and then 5 years later, did the same thing all over again.

So I am making dinner, D18 is watching a movie with one of her friends, and H is painting the kitchen. I have decided to embrace the fact that he wants to paint, not be upset over the fact that he doesn't want me to paint. Hey, it gives me time to do other things, right? Why complain? That seems like a healthier way to look at it.

I'd say you're doing your part and then some,

Thank you and keep posting.

Aww, you're so sweet! Thanks for the compliment, they really mean a lot!

Things were going so well this week. I helped him paint by being his gopher and he didn't get that mad, even though the paint I chose ended up needing 7 gallons and having to finish with a polyurethane, so we've been painting for weeks and still aren't done. But he's kept his cool, made it clear he doesn't blame me for picking the paint. Christmas at his family's and mine, no problems. Meeting his needs, even though I've had a massive sinus infection (Friday I slept until 5pm). He even bought a new doorbell (ours hasn't worked in 5 years) and installed it today, and polished the granite countertops. Then I blew it with one IB - he had a bag from when he was shopping for us for Christmas, he left it on the floor, I was clearing out the living room while he worked on the doorbell, and emptied the bag. There was still a wrapped present from Estee Lauder and some mini perfume bottles in the bag, so I left them on his kitchen countertop, and put away the cologne he had bought for himself.

He finishes, comes in, sees the stuff on the counter, and instantly turns off. Shakes his head, goes and sits in a chair, mad. I asked him if I made him mad by unpacking his bag, and he said every time he cleans I pile more stuff up to do (the counters had been clean/empty after polishing them). So I apologized, said I was still in the middle of putting things away, and that it was all going to be put away, that I assumed he had bought that for the lady he works with, so I left it there to ask him about it.

I'm guessing that the real reason he's mad, based on past history, is that he had bought that, intending to give it to me for Valentines Day or something, and I ruined his surprise. I don't know. I just know he's not talking to me now. Even though I finished cleaning the kitchen and it's picked up again.

I could have left the bag on the floor, I guess, and cleaned up everything else, but he never mentioned it. If he had not wanted me to see it, he could have put it away somewhere. I know I'm just defending myself, but I get tired of never knowing when something's going to set him off.