KLD,

I am just going to leave my e-mail here until I am sure you have it. Let me know.



Prayers,

wh2le - I have it now.. Sorry I wasn't around this weekend.

I was in, what sounds like, exactly your position years ago, where I was the mom, and frustrated when my ideal of a marriage wasn't going the way I wanted. And I really didn't have that high a standard. My H and I were caught in a mom/adolescent power struggle, and it was very unhealthy.

How did we get out? I was tired of working so hard when all it seemed was happening was I was spinning my wheels. I had to change my attitude and logic about things completely. And my H had to understand his part he played in it too...how he was able to accept no responsibility because it was always my fault.


I told him I was no longer responsible for him, put the blame back on him, and that I was no longer going to work so hard for him.

What did that look like?

It was as simple as not reminding him about Dr's appts. to taking him for his word when he promised something, and when he didn't follow through, not to say anything about it, but to go on with my life.

For instance, there were a few situations where we had plans, and if he wasn't ready, or cancelled, I went with out him. If things happen in his life because of his decisions, I don't make a judgement about it.

I also ask for what I want more...not for chores or fixing things (although I do that still some) but I am beginning to understand why I act the way I act, why I am mad, why I am hurt, and I say it out loud and ask for what I want.
For instance, he drove my car and left the gas tank empty. I will say, "I was frustrated this morning when the gas tank was empty. The message i got from that was you didn't care if I ran out of gas." and if he defends or justifies I would simply say, "Do you care for me?"

I put things on a very personal level. It's not so much about the practicalness of marriage but about how we treat each other.

StillHere - thanks for the examples. I definitely see where I need to give up trying to control things. My point of view has been that these things affect my life so much that I can't give in on them. I'm working on trying to be able to live with the outcome or go ahead and enforce my boundaries - whatever that ultimately means.

This is a struggle for me. My counselor brought this up to me last week and when my response was that these things affect my life so much, he said that sure they do. He told me that I was trying to manipulate the situation to get what I want. He says that I don't want to get what I want by manipulation - I want to get what I want because it's given freely.

I'm working on this and realize it's a process, but it's very hard. I've gotten into this pattern and, though it hasn't been rewarding, it's what I'm used to.

One small victory for me this weekend - my H is always a scrooge about Christmas and any holiday. This isn't something related to his A - he has never liked holidays since I've known him. On Saturday we stopped in to Target and I went to the Christmas area and got some decorations. He wanted to know why we needed them. I said that we don't, but I want to be more festive this year. Last night, I got them out and started putting them up and he pitched in to help (wihtout a heavy sigh and scowl). Normally, I would have resented the fact that he doesn't care about decorating, but I went on and did what I wanted and was happy with it. He joined in on his own without a request from me. Instead of making a big deal about his help, I just said how nice the new lights look.

Seems like a small thing, but for me it was a step.

So how do you handle the really big things that affect your life in a fairly serious way?

How do you do it? One day or moment at a time.

I started with an understanding that my H really did love me and wanted what was best for me, but he wanted his freedom more. And when I coerced, asked, yelled, manipulated, he felt less free.

So I appealed to the side of him that loved me. And I tapped in to the side of me that loved him. I made it ALL about the relationship...the means to an end was not what I was looking for.

In every situation was I showing him love? Even the very mundane every day things, was I doing it in a loving manner? Everything I did I started to do in love, and every way that I asked for things I did in a loving way.

What did it matter if the car got washed or the house was cleaned, or the sink repaired if our relationship was hurt by my asking or his anger?

For instance, Christmas is a big thing around our house, so I started saying things like, "I love Christmas so much and all the sparkly things. It would be great if you could enjoy it too. I hate seeing you down and worry there is something I am doing or not doing that would make you in a better mood."

I would also call him on his unloving behavior...
for instance, if he got home late from work and didn't give me a call, I would say, "I was really worried about you and concerned you were hurt and I couldn't help you. I also felt unloved and uncared for. The message I received from you not calling me was you didn't care about whether I was worried or not."

The big thing is I just started going on with my life, and without that push that he could push back against, he lightened up.

StillHere - I want to respond, but I just don't know what to say. I am able to show him love in so many ways. He is also being very loving and patient with me right now.

There are so many undercurrents for us right now. There are many moving parts, but I am still trying to show love to him. I'm working on a way to tell him I know about his recent drive by the OW house, etc, but I need to get to a better place to do that and not fall apart in the process.

Can you write him a note? I'd really like to see you two being totally honest with each other. I think building that wall back up is how you got here in the first place.

Cat, I could write him a letter but I don't have a problem being honest with him in a conversation (though it may sound like it). I just want to be prepared to handle the consequences of telling him that I've read his emails before I actually do it.

This is something I've found to be an issue for me - when I'm not ready to share sensitive info, I bungle it and make it much worse than it would normally be. I don't think on my feet in emotional situations. So, I need to have my ducks in a row before I approach difficult subjects.

I agree that there's a wall between us, but I don't think he sees it that way. Also, I only know about this because of the emails I saw. If I hadn't read them, I'd think things were remarkably good right now.