You know, I think that it is all about confidence when you date a few people at a time. Or at least for me it has been.

After being M'd for awhile, and never looking at another man in a "flirtatious" fashion when I was M'd.... it was nice to see that I COULD flirt, and that I COULD have men that wanted to go out with me... I found it fun, but then again, I really am a person who would generally bond with someone, or decide that I did not like someone, and go from there.

The new element of liking different people, for different reasons, is new to my dating M.O. I have weeded out some people- did not trust, did not think that it was going anywhere... and now I find I am still seeing one of the "originals". He is so level headed, so REAL, and we get along well. We have really good chemistry, emotional, intellectual, and physical. I really connect with him, but I find myself distancing myself- not calling TOO much, or answering TOO much, or texting TOO much... I saw him yesterday, and we talked for HOURS. Just talked, were affectionate, and it was SOOOO nice. When he left, he told me that I should call him more, I never call him, and he gave me a GREAT hug.
A little background: he is NOT a hugger, which has been a disappointment to me, as I love to have a nice, safe, intimate hug. I am not a big hugger with just anyone. Me and this man, NM, get along so well, but our goodbyes would always be kind of... disappointing. And I told him this. He told me that he is just not a hugger, and I told him that he sucks... in a joking manner. So yesterday he was over. He makes my heart skip a beat... YET... I feel like myself around him. I could listen to him talk for hours, and he listens (and important thing!) REMEMBERS what I tell him. I have not introduced any man that I have dated to my kids, but NM still asks about my kids, how my DD's asthma has been, how my other DD's school is going...

And I feel like this is what I wanted from my EXH- care, concern, conversation, and intimacy. I have it with this man, NM, yet I feel frozen, and I do not know how to "take it to the next level", if that is possible, or if I should try to. We have been seeing each other for several months, have conflicting work schedules (big time) but still keep in contact frequently, and get together when we can, which is not often.

I really like him. Should I just see how it plays out? I find that he is the one guy that I really just want to be around...

Consider yourself lucky you didn't get more involved than you did. A guy that is that shallow at the beginning is only going to get worse as you get to know him better. You've seen his best side and it wasn't too great.

Jeez, what a jerk. Interesting roundabout way to communicate his opinion though. I wonder Asians find Westerners too blunt.

Now now, gentle people, everyone is free to choose who they are attracted to and who they are not, and there is no rhyme or reason or right or wrong in their choices and its not always the case that their choice will parallel yours. Keep you expectations low and remind yourself not to construct fantasies of how great a couple you would be, how great a match they would be, how great a match you will be. Just because you wish it doesn't make it true. Note that not every person you contact has a possibility of being "the one", so be objective. Different people will fit into different roles in your life, some friends, some lovers, some partners. Don't live with the expectation that everyone will fit into the latter category. Consider that you may have to weed hundreds of acres before finding one flower.

Live this and it will free you from many disappointment factors.

Dutch - No one here is trying to dictate his preferences. It is, however, fair to criticize the manner in which he chose to express himself. Therein lies the difference. Simply put, he was unnecessarily rude.

Ahhh...the online thing. It is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you get to know some things about them from a safe distance but a curse because, having only a picture, you two are at a "safe distance."

Of course, you should be careful and get to know a little about them electronically first. Note, I said a "little". You are never going to find out if it is worth pursuing either way until you MEET (in a public place of course). There is really no substitute for face-to-face contact, body language, eye contact, in-person conversation, and -- here goes -- actually checking out the visual package in real life.

Yes, men are visual and studies show that 80% of initial attraction for men is via the eyes. For women, it is via the ears. Men are attracted outside-to-in and women generally the other way around.

Beyond doing some prudent "pre-screening", there is little point in delaying a date to endlessly email or talk on the phone. Just meet and see! For most men, he is not going to want a 2nd date if he doesn't find the woman physically appealing (to HIM) so there isn't much point for a woman to get all emotionally attached via electronic "conversation" and "attention" before meeting.

Yes, no one should ever be rude or hurtful when another person doesn't "click" for them. When this happens, men are the ones, being generally more straitforward, who tend to come across as "blunt" and women, being generally more circular and sensitive, tend to come across as evasive or "hard to read." Usually, one of these 2 scenarios occur:

GUY AND GIRL HAVE FIRST DATE--TAKE #1
Guy & girl have some fun and pleasant conversation
Girl kinda likes guy...he's funny & listens well and he makes her feel comfortable around him
Guy doesn't find girl to be physically appealing
Date ends with neither party being particularly upfront ("thanks for a nice time")
Guy doesn't ask girl out again
Girl says "Men are so shallow!"

GUY AND GIRL HAVE FIRST DATE--TAKE #2
Guy & girl have some fun and pleasant conversation
Guy kinda likes girl...she's pretty & sweet and she makes him feel good around her
Girl thinks guy is "nice" but uninteresting/unexciting
Date ends with neither party being particularly upfront ("thanks for a nice time")
Guy calls girl--girl doesn't answer or call back or makes excuse to turn down 2nd date offer
Guy says "Women are such flakes!"


LOL.....

Pretty much in a nutshell.

Have you been spying on my dating life?

Been on both sides -- take#1 and take #2.

Nothing unique about any of it from either gender's perspective.

FOR MEN:

Have the attitude that you are just going to have "lighthearted fun" with no expectations
Make the 1st date (esp. if it is blind) a short, simple "no pressure" thing
Realize that she is just as or more anxious about meeting you than you are about meeting her
Be witty and funny--humor is the best icebreaker. Making her laugh makes her feel comfortable & "safe"
Make & maintain eye contact
Listen mostly--ask questions and let her do 75% of the talking
Show interest in what she is saying and reflect it back to her
Chime in with commonalities to build connection
Be chivalrous--pull out her chair, open a door--but also...
Be FLIRTY--tease her playfully & TOUCH her (non-threateningly)
Be a benevolent LEADER--get her opinion and then make decisions (women cannot be attracted to men they don't respect as a leader)
Take her hand in leading her somewhere, usher her through the door with your hand on the small of her back
SMILE, dont leer
Dress well
Be confident and in command of your surroundings
Have and be FUN

Don't be "nice". "Nice guys" are unattractive to women. Women are attracted to proof of social value, not sycophancy.
Don't be an arrogant jerk but don't give away your approval easily either.
Don't fall all over yourself to compliment or suck up to her
Don't talk about yourself much and definitely don't brag about material things (it reeks of need)
Don't tell her you will call at the end of the date
Don't ask "if you can see her again"
Don't call her too soon--wait at least a few days
Don't leave more than 2 messages
Don't call if she has not called you back
Don't call her if she turns down your date or makes an excuse w/o suggesting an alternative time
Don't let it bother you if she isn't into you

SDCW,
Excellent list!

Some of your list applies to women. I think it's important for a woman to be cool, calm, and collect on a first date. Eye contact is important.

I would add...be yourself!!! There is no point in pretending you're someone else.

So, SDCW, can you create a thorough list for the women-folk? I'll carry it with me at all times! lol

Thanks!
Sweet

I agree with the spirit of the first half, but not necessarily the "don'ts". The timeframes laid out should be generalized based on the situation and the people involved. My GF and I hit spoke on the phone and over email for two weeks before our first date. At the end of that first date, I thought things were going well and I asked her openly when I could see her again. She smiled coyly, looked at her watch, and said, "Let's see... What time is it now?...", implying that she'd count passage of time in minutes or hours.

There were no expectations or demands from me, but I was open w/re to my interest in her. I didn't want her to doubt whether I was into her or not. I think this made her comfortable since she admitted later that during the course of the evening she wondered if I liked her. If she demurred or was uncomfortable with me, then we wouldn't have been a good match. I'm not really interested in trying to sell myself. The initial interest has to be there. My job is to not say anything out of character that might give her the wrong idea about me.

I think the best rule is the one most often mentioned: Be yourself.

It won't get you every girl, but it will get you the one who best matches you.

I am not sure that this is a very good tactic in this day and age, could earn you a black eye.



Maybe not to the women who like the bad boys, but I am very happy being my "nice guy" self with my GF, and she seems to be happy with me too. I think these generalizations are pointless, as they depend on who is doing the generalizing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

AGG

Very true AGG. Nice guys are very much appreciated. I would much rather date a nice guy than a mean guy. Mean guys make terrible husbands.

I have no problem with this list --- unless it puts you in a position of misrepresenting who you really are. Most guys (and the women they're seeing) would be a lot better off just being themselves right out of the gate. Following a behavior checklist for a few dates only to abandon it after "landing" the other person will only lead to problems later.

I agree...when there is obvious chemistry and "fireworks" both ways, the relationship can advance and become connected much faster. Good for you!

AGG,

1. Touching her (non-sexually) is taking her hand, tapping her on the knee when something's funny, giving her a playful teasing push, etc. It is NOT "groping". Touching powerfully communicates comfort and acceptance and interest in a non-verbal way. Seems like you misunderstood what touching meant. BTW, if she slugs you for any of that, she is either totally uninterested or (more likely) someone no man should ever want to be around.

2. There is something in between being too "nice" (sycophantic, fawning, hyper-agreeable) and being "bad" (a jerk, a boor, a user). It is called being a gentleman who is also a playful, fun-loving, interesting, and high-value alpha-man. No one is suggesting abusing or mistreating anyone, but rather being mysteriously interesting, mischievious, and flirtatious. Women are not attracted to guys who fall all over themself to suck up to her and be "nice". Mr. Super Nice Guy ends up her FRIEND (if anything), not her BOYFRIEND.

3. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" ... couldn't agree more--it is what you make of it.

OMG, you FOLKS are TOTALLY MISSING THE POINT.

Every woman will say "I want a nice guy". What they really mean (whether knowing it or not) is that they hope to become attracted to a guy who is also "a good man". You can be a good man (and should be a good man) and ALSO be flirty, challenging, high-value, and a little "dangerous" in her mind. Guys, you do NOT attract her by knocking yourself out to be "nice"!

[Don't believe me? Next time you are on a first date, spend the entire time showering her with compliments and agreeing with everything she says like a puppy dog...she will find you "nice" but needy, BORING, anti-challenge, and low-value. She very likely won't go out with you again unless she is equally needy.]

NOT BEING "NICE" DOES NOT EQUATE WITH BEING "MEAN"!

It SHOULD be who you are...MAKE it who you are

Funny
Fun-loving
Flirty
Witty
Interesting
Interactive
High-value
Self-respecting
Confident