I never imagined I would find myself in this forum but yet here I am all broken hearted and shattered.

My DH & I has been married for 3 years and has a 2 years old son together. We recently moved to China from the US in pursuit of a better financial life. He went there first while I went home to my hometown in South East Asia (I'm Asian but not Chinese). It took us 3 months before we could get our visas and everything ready to join him here. Btw, the company did not provide us with the visas or resident permits for me and my son.

The first month I got here, I suffered from a really bad culture shock. Although I'm Asian, China is like a whole different world and I have no friends here, no jobs, nothing to do basically. One night I woke up to find DH gone and he left a note that says he went out with his friend from work (let's name him R.A). I was furious because he told me after work that R.A wanted him to go to a karaoke bar but DH didn't feel like going. We had a huge fight about that. Then our visas expired (at that time they only gave us 1 month visa and I can't renew it from within China due to the whole Olympic thing) so I had to go back home to my parents.

We stayed there 3 months then had to fly back to the US to stays with my inlaws due to my green card re-entry permit. I stayed there for a month, so DH & I were apart for 4 months plus the first 3 months. I've been having some trust issues when I was away because of the sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night thing.

I've only been back to China for 2 days and my heart is shattered. On the first night, I saw some long black hairs on the floor and I know those are not mine. I asked DH about it in the morning and he said it must've been my hair then went on to say "Oh, I don't know maybe the wind blew it in!". I let it go but then as I was unpacking I found a tube of red lipstick in one of the drawer in our bedroom. Again, he denied it and insisted that's mine but that's not mine (ladies, are we women normally would recognize our lipsticks?) and it have a chinese writing on it. He keeps denying it. Those findings really bother me that I told him how I feel and asked him to tell me the truth. He said he didn't want to tell me because he doesn't want me to get mad. He told me that this Malaysian guy he met in our apartment complex asked him a favor to give this Chinese girl a place to stay for a few weeks, that she can't stay with him since his boss is in town. So she stayed here for 3-4 weeks, DH said. The explanation just doesn't make any sense to me. DH said he barely see her because she's always there at the Malaysian guy's apartment but that doesn't change how I feel. Oh and btw, she slept in our bed, in our room while he's in our son's room.

Later yesterday I found out some black pubic hair (sorry) in our bed and I do know those are not mine or his. I didn't tell DH about this as it only confirms my suspicious but I lost it and told him I can’t believe he did that and how am I suppose to trust him ever again. He was furious and said I should drop it off that nothing happen between them. I feel like why was he the one that got so furious? I should be the one that's mad but all I could do is crying. I feel so violated and betrayed. I told him how would he feel if he's in my shoes? That I just took home some stranger, a guy to live in with me while he's away and letting him sleep in our bed. He couldn't say a word.

What hits me is DH thinks it's perfectly normal thing to do. Just a favor. Nothing happen, big deal! That I should be okay with it and get over it. But I'm not. I never cry this much before. Our marriage isn't perfect but this feels like a slap in the face and now I'm so lost I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about her and DH, what they were doing in our place while I was gone. This is killing me, I do love him so much but I can't look him in the eyes and believe the words he says anymore.

I'm sorry if this is too long. I really have no one to talk to here.

Thank you.

Ask him to take a polygraph.

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult adjustment to life in China and the suspicions regarding your husband. I live in China myself so I can relate.

Based on my long experience (I have lived in several countries in three different continents), China is a fantastic place to live in and it is possible to have a fulfilling and great life here especially in the big cities. I know it takes a while to get over the culture shock and to find friends and interesting activities. But after 6-12 months, most people tend to like it here (and this is a big understatement for many).

That being said, living here has its special challenges and unfortunately quite a few of the expat men catch what we disrespectfully call the "yellow fever". My WH was also not immune to this disease and I regret to say that no vaccination is available yet... There is a group of local women here that are actively pursuing foreign men, especially Americans and Europeans. Many expat men who arrive here suddenly find themselves being very attractive, both in and outside the office, being admired and seduced by gorgeous young women. It takes a special strength of character to resist.

Also, the BS is often in a weak position and more vulnerable than in the home country. The recommended MB principles like Exposure, Plan A & Plan B are often much harder to implement. There is a limited choice in marriage councilors (although we found an excellent one) and generally the support system for newcomers is limited.

I do not say this to scare you but I think that it is important that you are realistic.

So now to your situation. You have no conclusive evidence but there are a lot of Red Flags waving. His explanation about the Malaysian guy does not make sense at all, believe me. This is not the US here. Unless he is American (and even than), imho it is unlikely that a boss here would care about his employee having a local women living in. I would start to try to find out who this woman really is and take it from there. Most likely she is not very important to your husband.

You have to look at your options in view of the fact that you are here. I am not an experienced MB-expert. I can only help you based on my own experiences and what I see around here. I do not know enough about your situation to give specific suggestions. There are WH's here that exploit their wife's vulnerability as an expat with limited defenses, so that they can have it entirely their way. However, there are others that have strayed, recognize their weakness and genuinely work to make amends and accept boundaries thereafter. I would in any case discuss your fears with your husband and tell him that living in China is a joint project and that you expect him to "behave", otherwise you are out of the deal.

I wish you all the best here. There are many ways to get to know other people and once you are integrated in an expat community, you will find that the expat ladies are a close-knit group very willing to help and support each other. Also, it is important that both you and your husband recognize that moving to another country is very difficult in the beginning and can cause a lot of extra stress and friction especially for the partner without a job. It is a challenge but also an opportunity to grow closer as you have to depend much more on each other. Once the adjustment period is over, living in China could be an incredible adventure and enriching experience.

Please let me know if I can help you further. I will keep you in my thoughts.

I don't think they have that available here.

Silda, thank you so very much for your reply.
I'm Asian and in my home country I've seen these kinds of white man 'hunters' all the time but I thought WH would be immune to the temptations.

But maybe like you said he wasn't strong enough and took the plunge anyway.

I have no idea who this women is and I searched our apartments from floor to ceiling for some more clues but only managed to found an empty pantyhose pack, an empty wine bottle stashed away (WH don't normally drink), a webcam box (that I did not see anywhere at our place). WH did said if I want to he'll let me meet her and his friend who knows about her to proove that there's nothing going on but I don't know if he's bluffing or not. That might be the only way to find out about her but I do know how his friends might be on his side plus I haven't really known them all that much.

I read about the snooping part but it's too dificult to do so here due to a lot of factors and he barely use the computer when he's home. Maybe I need to find a private investigator here, I'm not sure but I've been googling.

Thank you again Silda.

Hey LBC,

Having spent hundreds of hours here reading different situation, I am about 99% convinced that your husband has had or continues to have an affair.

All of those signs and the lying just do not add up. It's textbook and adulterous husbands are typically useless at covering their tracks.

Snoop - use a voice activated recorder and place it somewhere in the bedroom like under a bed. It's going to hurt but you must do it. You need to know the truth in order to determine your best course of action.

There are many many veterans on here with loads of sage advice who will help you.

I am very sorry that you have the need to come here.

GH31

Thank you GH31,
That voice activated recorder sounds like a good idea, I'll just have to find one here. Wish me luck on that.

I just wish that he would come clean, which is something that I doubt he'll do but it would just make things a little easier to decide what to do next.

He went home late last night after 10 pm saying that he had to do a rehearsal for this chinese song they wants him to sing at the company's christmas party tonight but in my head I think he went to see her. He wanted me to come to the party but I just don't feel like it plus our boy is having a cold.

I think I will try to talk to him and giving him a chance to tell me the truth, if he can't do that then I will have to find more evidence.

Thank you again this forum has been really helpful.

I don't think you should do this. If he is cheating, he will lie. Thats what cheaters do. If you read the stories on these forums, you will see that they lie even in the face of damning evidence. What do you think your husband will do if you don't have any real evidence to begin with? He'll lie.

While you collect evidence, I would let these discussions drop. If you harp on it, he is more likely to get craftier in hiding the evidence. If you act like you have accepted his explanation, he is more likely to get complacent and make a mistake.