I'm not married or even getting close, but I'm facing a new world that I need some help with.

Heretofore, my relationships since divorce have been with ladies with no kids. I did have one strong friendship with a woman who had kids, but her kids were so traumatized by their folks' divorce that it just wasn't going to go anywhere. She has subsequently married a doctor, and they have no end of trouble I hear based on blended family issues.

I currently am in a relationship with a lady I care alot for & could care tons for given the right situation, but oldest son creates enormous difficulties. Her youngest son & my 2 boys are no problem for the relationship, but not so with her oldest.

Anyway, looking for some resources on blended families to better educate myself for decisions ahead???

Thx,
High Flight

High Flight,

I can only share an experience that I had with a very nice woman about 2 years after my divorce. We dated for a while and developed very strong feelings for each other. (Then the reality set in...)

We were worlds apart in our parenting and acceptable behaviour for our children. My kids are not perfect, but they are very respectful and well behaved. Hers pretty much said and did what they wanted. It ended the relationship very fast.

Personally, since that experience, I don't want a blended family. Or if I have one, I would want to make certain we share the same parenting beliefs.

Good luck though... I do believe there are some good books out there on blending families.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I like the way you said..."and then the reality set in..."

Curious: did you guys introduce each other very quickly to your kids? You said very strong feelings developed, so I'm guessing that happened earlier, then eventually the kids entered the picture, then you started to figure out the reality??

I know what you mean about not wanting a blended family. I feel similarly these days. I've had a few meaningful relationships over the years since my divorce, but more often than not, the kid problems have caused termination.

So now starting to re-think all of this. Hence the question posed.

Over the course of my 21 year marriage I often thought that if something happened, I was thinking death not divorce, that I wouldn't remarry until the kids were either gone or pretty close to. When we first divorced I was much more eager than I am now to be part of a couple. There certainly are times when I want company and want to know I have a partner I can count on for the future. Also, I wouldn't have anticipate feeling that when my youngest, 14 in March, graduates high school that would be an good time to look around for a partner.

Having said that, I am on one dating site and if someone great comes along I'd welcome that. My ex lives with his girlfriend (NMNK) who treats my boys well, but it does interfere with their relationship with their father. I don't think they feel as free to be themselves while visiting there as they do with me and they have said as much.

I'm sure there are families where things work out well and that would be the only way I would blend families. If there were opposition, hard feelings, no love for the future family, I'd wait. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing either. My boys will be gone in the blink of an eye and I'm happy to be together providing as close to what we had pre divorce, in terms of spending family time together, as is possible.

Why do you think women complain that guy's won't date them if they find out they have kids?

Why do you think men complain about that the only women out there to date are only one's with kids?

Who wants baggage?

The road,

Why are you making this a gender issue? Both men and women have to wrestle with this issue. It's reasonable to expect both men and women would want to protect their children's interests.

I'd be interested in hearing you talk more about your comments. Are children considered "baggage" only for women but not baggage for men?

I'm sensing some hostility, is that how you feel?

Both men AND women tend to be reluctant to date someone with kids, especially if the other parent is still in the picture. There is extra potential for conflict (and often extra ACTUAL conflict) that isn't there if neither person has kids.

My wife has said that if I'd had kids when she met me, she wouldn't have kept seeing me, because of possible "baby mama drama". I don't blame her one bit, because if her kids' father had still been alive and involved in their lives, I wouldn't have stuck around either. I had enough "You ain't my daddy!"-type issues with them even with their father dead, I can only imagine it would have been 10x worse if he'd been around.

The problem is, the older you get, and the older you date, the more likely there is that there'll be kids involved, especially with women. Women generally have the kids living with them after divorce, and are usually the ones raising the kids as single parents. Also, many divorced men still have their kids over on a regularly basis, while many single fathers are as active in their kids' lives as schedules and the mother's wishes allow.

So both genders are liable to find themselves interested in someone with kids, especially if they're in their early 30s and older. All I can say is, do a Google search on "blended families" and "stepparenting" and look over the results.

Two pieces of advice I can offer from my experience;

- don't introduce yourself to the other person's kids right away; take a good long time to get to know their parent first, I recommend a minimum of 3 months. That way you'll have some idea of whther you want to keep seeing them before getting to know their kids.

- make sure you have the other parent's full support in disciplining their kids, and give them your full support as well. There are few things more divisive in a blended family as one parent refusing to let the stepparent discipline the parent's kids. The kids know they can get away with murder when the parent's not around then.