DD12 has always been a strong willed child. Since the onset of puberty it has only gotten worse and worse. Basically, I'm at my wit's end, even looking into boarding schools, which is something that I don't want to do because I don't think that children shoudl be separated. However, her actions create strife in the household and it feels as though we are living on a battleground. She is consistently disrespectful (more towards me than Ike) and even towards grandparents! This is something that I cannot and will not put up with in my home. I don't know what else to do. If anyone has any suggestions, please help!!

Edit: Oh, I have set up an appointment for her to see a counselor. I'm hoping that this will help her. She is a really awesome kid, but I think she has a lot of anger and she is very, very stubborn and strong willed. When she is happy, life is great, but the smallest thing can set her off (such as her interrupting someone who is talking and then being told to wait a moment) and suddenly the entire house is in an uproar. Seriously, I'm just so tired.

Two thoughts. One, it may be a FOO issue, meaning that something in your home is creating strife for her and this is her way of coping. I'm reading an awesome book called Healing the Shame That Binds You, and it says that a huge portion of who you are is determined by whether your parents had unresolved shame of their own, which funnels through to you by osmosis. Are you sure you have a clear picture of mental health in your relationships at home?

Two, there are certain psychological conditions that cause children to be unable to stop causing strife. Have you looked into that?

Hello

Sorry to hear that you're having strife with your strong willed teenager. There may be all sorts of reasons for her behaviour. They will be important to sort out later but right now, her behaviour is damaging the tranquility in your house and it is that that you must work on.

Have you heard of Tough Love? I highly recommend it. It works. It's brilliant.

I think it's time to sort out actions and consequences. She may think she's independent of her boring parents but she isn't. You provide the roof over her head, the bed she sleeps in, the food she eats and the clothes she wears. She has to EARN these things. She can do this by behaving in an appropriate manner.

I'm sure you can find something that she relies upon you for. Maybe you run her to her weekend party or buy her her weekly magazines or some other priviledge. You could come up with a deal that in future, she has to earn her priviledges. Good behaviour produces good results. If she doesn't do the chores you've set for her, she doesn't get the priviledge.

A task list too long will soon be forgotten. How about working on ONE thing for this week, something for next and so on.

You could also come up with some novel solutions. If she's rude to you, you could run out into the garden and shout at the top of your voice "My daugher is rude to me". She'll get the shock of her life. She won't know where to put herself. You'd better warn the neighbours first, though.

Once her behaviour settles down, that's the time to deal with her anger or p.m.t. or whatever she's got wrong with her. The most important first thing to deal with is the way she's disrupting your family life. She's effectively running the show. Teenagers don't run the show, adults do. Good luck with transforming your life in your house back to what you want it to be.

Verve,

Is she your oldest girl? It is really common for daughters to become unbearable in the early teenage years and keep at it for a good long while. Most of them get over it eventually.

It's a great idea to take her to a counselor/doctor for evaluation.

What you need to do is get an idea about how she compares with other girls her age. Also, is she physically violent? Do her tantrums go on for hours and hours? IS she completely out of control or just a nasty person to be around? Those issues are the ones you want to point out to a counselor or doctor, if the issues are there. Otherwise you may get dismissive treatment from the professional.

The primary developmental task of a normal adolescent girl is to separate from her parents psychologically. Unfortunately for the parents, they often can only figure out how to do this by becoming people you don't enjoy being around.

The unpleasant reality for the parents is that even though the kids rebel, our job is to keep them safe and secure and place loving limits around their behaviors. It is really hard to do that when you are under stress yourself.

How old is she?

A couple of books come to mind.....'1,2,3 Magic' for behavior things. And 'You Can't Make Me, But I Can Be Persuaded".


the "You Can't Make Me" site

Verve,

How much time do you spend with DD12, one on one, just listening to her?

When my DD20 was 11, I walked into her room and saw a subject line on an email she sent to my sister; it read "HELP, HELP, HELP, PLEASE!!" I (gasp) read the email; it discussed her resentment of (then) DS3 and how she felt neglected. I broached the subject w/her and told her I read her email. We then set up nightly discussions to talk about her day or anything that was on her mind (positive or negative).

We are extremely close and had very smooth sailing during her teen years.

I also do the same with my other three children. The one I was most concerned about (high strung personality) is DS12. He is turning out to be a delight! He is a wonderful conversationalist and we both treasure our conversations.

Please take the time every day to hear your DD12 out; they need someone to hear them w/o judgement but with gentle guidance.

Best wishes

My DD is 21 now. She was incredibly horrible to me during the teen years. About the time for her to go away to college, I suddenly became a much more intelligent, charming and agreeable person to have as a mother. When I left her at her apt. in NY, 3000 miles away, for the first time, she burst into tears. I didn't, but I drove around the corner to a gas station and cried my eyes out!

I just got finished listening to a voice mail from her. I had stuck some handmade ornaments into an envelope along with the spare set of apt. keys she needed. The ornaments were simple bread-dough cookie cutter stars, painted in shiny colors and strung with a ribbon.

She went on and on about the silly ornaments! What a funny change from those teenage years when anything I did caused her to launch into attack mode.

Hang in there, if she is on the right track and just taking her frustrations out on the safe people in her life it will get much better.

I get to see her in 4 days! In 5 days she'll have started a fight with me, but I'll enjoy it while I can.

Sorry you are having these problems with DD. I can only offer you what has helped with my son (16 now).

I married my H 8 yrs ago, and son was smaller, but as time went on, trouble waqs a brewing. I let lots slide, always trying to keep peace, son felt anger at me for divorcing his dad etc.

Up to date, last 2 yrs have been hell, son talked back, yell & scream, never his fault, he is being picked on, short fuse, temper tantrums etc etc etc. to the point, my H couldnt take it anymore and we are now living apart VS sending my son away.

In the last 9 months I have learned. My son is NOT perfect but I have picked my battles. I do NOT yell at him. When he starts getting angry, I walk away, he cant stand there and argue with the wall LOL. I have set up a few simple basic rules and they are NOT NEGOTIABLE. he knows these rules and the consequences when he breaks them. it stays consistant no matter how much he whines.
he goes to therapy every 2 weeks for anger management and has improved ALOT!!! Yelling is a rare occurence. I do not try to even talk sense into him when he has a 'moment', i wait till he has calmed down and then I approach him CALMLY to talk. If he starts getting frustrated, I point it out to him and tell him that I will not talk to him while he is upset, we will continue later. Once again I walk away.

I can go on and on with differant examples, but basically it boils down to set a few simple rules at first. Non Negotiable. Make sure she understands the rules AND consequences. And Follow thru!!! Do not get into a yelling match with DD, believe me, you wont win, you will show her you are not in control, she is, and thats a no win situation. By remaining calm, you call the shots and by walking away, she stands there like a idiot ( like my son) wondering what button to push LOL..

Patience and consistency wins the race. and it does get better. talk to her often, if she is willing, if not, oh well,dont push it. She will come to you when she calms down.
Tell her you love her even when you dont like her much, and hug her when she'll let you.
She is growing up and will fight you every step of the way. You are mom and she needs Mom, she wants to be the baby but she knows she needs to grow up...its a tough place to be at..

Will be checking on your progress as you post. Good luck!!