This is very painful; I would like to have as honest answer as you guys can muster.

I’m a solid professional with an outstanding carrier. I consider myself a great catch. I’m 38 and she is 35. We have been married for five years; I’m completely in love with her. Initially everything was perfect. However, routine and mundane preoccupations made us apart and we lost the desire. We have a 3 year old son that has also help take the attention from our marriage to dedicate to him. For a while it felt that we were roommates.

I have come to learn that my wife has a 16 year long relationship with a “friend”. I have learned that they keep in contact with each other periodically; I also learned that they talk in a sexually explicit way and she would sleep with him if he was closer. She might have done it already while I’m away in business.

I also know that this guy is a “player” he is the kind of guy who says all the right things and pushes all the right buttons. I believe she has feelings for him.

After I learned about this “friend”. I became completely jealous and insecure. I asked her to discontinue her “friendship” and she has not done it. My biggest problem is that I have completely lost control of myself. I see my family falling apart so I have SHOWN VERY LOW VALUE. I’m losing sleep, I’ve cried, I even asked her after sex if she had faked orgasm. I feel that she has lost all respect she had for me.

Right now I feel like the only option to get my life back is Divorce. She is not into me anymore and if she is not willing to cut this “friend” from her life it means that she likes him more. I’m fine with that and I passed the feel sorry phase. I want to get my life under control.

This past February I overheard a conversation she was having with him. She had a tone of voice that I had not heard in her since we dating. I had an awfull night thinking about this "friend".

Next day I send her an email telling her what I had overheard and I told her I was deeply troubled. She called me crying saying she only wanted to be with me and bla bla bla... she said she will not talk to him anymore. She said he was a "friend" she never told me he was an "ex".

Fast forward to October... she joined facebook... the first person she added before anyone else was this "friend". I confronted her, she igonred me.

I became even more suspicious, So I started to pay attention to some details. There was some flirting going on in Facebook messages. I saw her phone records and I realized there were calls thoughout the year... not that frequent, but they will talk and sms for periods of time. I saw one day that my wife send him a TEXT message at 4:57AM (very suspicious time) and I simply cannot recall where was I that day.

I put some pressure on her one day and I got her to admit they had sex before we met. So she did acknowledge that he was more than a "friend"

Then after I came home from a business trip I was able to recover a chat she had with him where he ask her "when are you going to jump my bones?" to which she replied... "I don't know... maybe I can plan a trip and let you know in advance"
I confronted her; she had a moment of clarity... she recognized "he makes me feel pretty"... after that she closed out again. She insists that he is a "friend".

Last monday I came home and she was talking on the phone. She pretended she was talking to her best friend but in reality she was talking to a restricted number. She had already spoken to her friend for 1 hour so my theory she was on the phone with him.

Now I'm suspicious of everything she does.

Hire a PI to track this guy down. Find out his family, work, everything. You are going to want to expose the affair to his family and friends, as well as your wife's family and friends (and yours). She'll be mad at you for doing it, but you're ready for divorce anyway, right? Exposing is the only way you will ever get her out of this affair and to start looking at you again. Read all you can on this site about affairs and exposing. Gather evidence. Put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car and save the recordings of her talking to him.

Expose to everyone, all in one day. Tell them all you're fighting to save your marriage. Embarrass the h&ll out of them both, so that continuing the affair becomes too uncomfortable. Once she gets clean (withdrawal from him), you have a chance of restoring your marriage.

Oh, and in the meantime, do a great Plan A. BECOME the man she wants to be with. No more letting your marriage slip through your fingers.

You know OM's name. Do you know where he lives? If not check the phone records. If she is talking to him that much and it's a number you don't recognize, that's likely him. To verify, you can call the number(s), but be sure to program your phone to hide your identity. Maybe he will answer..."hello this is X" or it will go to voice mail and it will say "You've reached X..." If he does answer you can always pretend you dialed the wrong number and hang up. If a woman answers you can always ask if this is OM's wife...bingo. One can hope.

Keep all copies of phone records going back as far a you can since this has been going on for years. You can then do a reverse phone lookup online to see if an address pops up. If you get an address you can search other sources to see if anyone else resides there.

Since they have facebook contact, buy a key logger. Do you have access to her email account?

You will have to gather info and then expose.

I get it. I have done lots of reading here. I'm doing a very good plan A so far.

Now I have this question: She knows this guy for 16 YEARS!!! We have been married 5 years and we know each other for 7.5 years. I believe this guy is DEEP IN HER EMOTIONAL SYSTEM.

Realisticly, can she ever get over this guy??? I feel so betrayed that I'm ready to throw the towel.

If you've read a lot here, you'll know about Love Busters and Emotional Needs. Are you implementing this info into your marriage? Are you becoming the best possible choice for her? She married you for a reason; you just need to stay that person, or become it again. Show her why she married you. I'm sure there's a reason she didn't pick him; just make sure she sees why she did pick you.

The success rate for recovering from a Long Term Affair (LTA) is nil, even using near perfect MB Plans. And this is already a Very Long Term Affair (VLTA).

Your WW has known this OM longer than she has known you. She has stronger feelings for him, no matter what she says to you. She probably would have married him instead of you if he had been available at the right time. Her strong attachment to him is not going to change or go away.

I strongly recommend you call the MB counseling center and talk to an expert. Save yourself years of false hope and false recoveries.

THANKS VERY MUCH... I do not want to go on a long road to nowhere.

It has been 23 days since she told me she was going to talk to him. She still lives life as if nothing has happen. I just can't comprehend how can she live in such denial when she clearly told me she was going to talk to him and then let me know.

I will not bring the issue again to her.

However, tomorrow we have a 1st session of MC. I will have to bring the issue to the MC to see if he wishes to work with us when there is a 3rd person involved.

[quote=Aphelion]The success rate for recovering from a Long Term Affair (LTA) is nil, even using near perfect MB Plans. And this is already a Very Long Term Affair (VLTA).


Aren't you just a ray of f*cking sunshine!

My WH has been in a LTA and I am trying my darnest to save my marriage, finding this site gave me hope that this might happen and it's been really really hard.

I could just ball right now reading what you wrote.

It can't be nil !

Sorry Kingrat to interrupt your thread.

Vittoria, Each marriage is an individual just like each of us.

Aphelion, was just letting Kingrat know it is a very difficult task to do, but it is not impossible!!!

If you want to know if that # is his post office box there is a way.

Take out your OWN post office box (I hear they are private LOL) and send a CERTIFIED RETURN RECEIPT letter with YOUR post office box as the return address. Of course the letter is blank and there is no name on the envelope just your brand new return post office box #. If it comes back as delivered you have your answer.

Please keep updating us on your thread and hang in there!!!

God bless.

Jim

Aphelion

I apologize for being harsh towards your remark.
I should have counted to 100 before reacting. I need to work on that.

Jim Flint
Will post on my thread when I get more time.
Thank you

Hey Kingrat,

Keep us posted. Don't forget, the show aint over till the fat lady sings. You will need us at various stages of developments.

We went to the first session of MC. Here is a quick recap.

I explained that I could not work on fixing our marriage as long as the big elefant in the room is not take care off. I explained what I knew about the "relationship"; then:

She acknowledged "flirting" with the guy. (despite evidence showing more than flirting)
She stubbornly calls him a "friend".
She labelled the relationship a "high school relationship", actually the MC called it that way when she explained that she has know him for 16 years.
She said that she does not know what to do, she said that she doesnt feel like she has done anything wrong... i'm paraphrasing


I stated that I could not continue to live in misery. I got a feeling that the MC did not really care much for that. (I might be wrong) I said that I couldnt wait for 7 days for another session so we are going again this saturday. I don't know what for but i think I will come with force and say that withough the OM gone I cannot continue.

Heck yeah! ANYTHING that is harmful to either one of you should be considered a huge LB. She needs to understand that. How would she feel if she...hated lobster - it makes her sick - and you loved it, and you continued to cook it every night? Not the same, but you get the idea. She needs to understand what this is doing to you.

Labels are a wonderful way to draw the marrow from reality.
The "friend" is the reason for discontent in the marriage. Some "friend".
The "high school relationship" -Baloney, this is an EX LOVER.



Don't make ultimatums that you don't intend to uphold or haven't properly measured the consequences.

I advise that this post be moved to general questions II section.
Click the notify box to do this.

I absolutely mean it. I have spoken to the lawyers and I'm a 10 minute drive from retaining their services. I'm a very determined person. I dislike threats and I'm fully aware that I can not threat if I'm unwilling to deliver.

The point of my post in general is to try to know myself whether the line has been crossed and there is no turning back. People say that it isn't over until the fat lady sings. However, if I just can't tolerate it anymore. Why keep holding to it?

Ok, lets see...

No kids.
Short marriage: 6yr
Exposed as far as possible.
Worked a plan A???
Are you looking attractive? (Calm, considerate, strong)
At the end of your tether

Therefore:
Option 1: Plan B

Option 2: Plan D (contingent on polygraph)

They have a three year old son.

I have not exposed. My physical evidence is weak. I have transcript of a chat where my wife proposes "to plan a trip and let him know in advance" so she can "jump his bones". This is smoking evidence in my opinion but she called it "banter between friends". I also have phone records showing contact but is not "daily contact" is more "monthly contact". I feel that if I expose with this evidence to her family I will be making a mistake.

I'm looking very attractive. I have lost 30 pounds since September. I'm exercising daily. My clothes are never in the floor, I clean up, I help around the house and I'm attentive to her needs. Sometimes I get in my head and my mood swings but when that happens I try to walk away. I'm positive she has noticed a change. She has told me.

Okay, I'm off beam on a couple of major points here...

Corrections:
So, exposure dubious due to insufficient evidence,
One kid.

This is a classic situation where "Policy Of Joint Agreement" (POJA) needs be established.

Hypothetically, suppose you affirm your commitment and dedication to the marriage to her, but express uncertainty and fear in the light of her communication with ex lover. Distrust has been bred as a result of her covert and inappropriate interaction.

The questions are:
1. Does she view this as a shared problem?
2. What evidence can she suggest that would demonstrate these fears and misgivings to be unreasonable?
3. What is she prepared to commit in order to help overcome these insecurities?

Let's say she answers:
1. No. The problem is all yours.
2. She married you and gave you a kid -so you have to believe her.
3. Send you to a shrink.

How do YOU deal with THAT?