Discovered the affair yesterday. Confronted her and starting talking. Wife has not had contact with OM for over a month...he just stopped communicating.

She's sorry, upset and gives me the "i love you, but I'm not in love with you" junk. I've heard this before First post

I think she still has feelings for him and she does too. We are being completely honest with one another and it's hard to hear some things. My gut is in knots and I'm restless, wandering around the house, feeling worthless. Probably depressed. She has agreed to seek counseling with me. GOOD! And has agreed not to contact the OM.

I guess what I'm asking for here is the next step? There is soo much good information here, where do I start?

Consider what you want. Take your time. You need to figure out whether you really want to remain in such a relationship.
Get support from family and friends. No one should go through this alone and you need some shoulders to lean on.
Really, the key is really trying to figure out if this is something you can get past. You are not expected to really know but keep tabs on how you feel about this.
Many people , initially, have a knee jerk reaction to save the marriage and regret it later on. Just take your time, go to counseling and see if you can figure out what you want.

Thanks again Zel! Wise words here.

I think I know what I want. Deep down inside I didn't want to know about this affair -- I remember the gut feeling back in Nov and seeing all the signs, yet I wanted to burry my head in the sand.

I'm taking my time and asking a lot of questions. I'm trying to be completely honest with her and asking for the same in return. But in a way I'm holding a little back to protect myself, and to see just where she is emotionally.

I read on this site how relationships can grow and become even stronger after an affair. I experienced that after affair #1. I learned so much from that experience. Just wish I had access to some of the information here back then...how to keep honesty true, how to avoid secrets, the Love Bank concepts, how to avoid an affair.

I'm sooooooo glad I found this site and was able to spend a lot of time reading and thinking after I learned of the affair and before i confronted her (learned of affair Fri morning...confronted her after work that day).

I see how we got complacent in our relationship, how I wasn't meeting her emotional needs and her meeting mine. I can see how a casual conversation with a "friend" turned in to something more for her and the OM. I don't agree with it, not for one moment! And I don't understand why she would choose to do that...but I think I can see how it happened.

Right now it's hard because she just went back to work for the first time since I confronted her. And it was at work where she did most of the talking on phone to the OM. I told her today was probably going to be hard for me. She understood.

Today is going to be hard...I'll probably post a lot more as the day wears on...

Thanks again for listening. D.

You were both in the marriage and sounds like neither of you were getting your EN's met. Yet, you did not cheat, did you? And, you do not have a history of cheating like she does, right?
So, who is broken? Sounds like she has some big internal problems that she needs to address. You are not expected to have been perfect in the marriage for her to have kept her vows. Don't take responsibility for her decison to address her disatisfaction by cheating.If she'd stuck a steak knife in your thigh because you were not meeting her needs, would you consider that normal behavior?
D, she has some really big problems evidenced by this repeat episode of cheating. A healthier person would have learned more the first time around. Makes you wonder if she lacks compassion and empathy for others, or a conscience, as she must have seen your pain first time she did this.
You have to admit, not too many people go down this road more than once, especially after having been given a second chance and witnessing the pain before. Something ain't right with her.