So, I have been reading this site for 2 weeks because my H left me, said he wasn't in love with me any more...I was directed to think that he is cheating...Now, I 100% appreciate all advice but, I wanted to say this...
Over the summer, I had an emotional break down. I tried to end the marriage, I told him I didn't think I was in love any more and that this felt wrong. I was GLUED to the computer and texting people at all hours of the night...I did everything that defines classic cheating but, I wasn't cheating.

I was just falling apart. I felt unaccomplished and fat and trapped...it was me, I was just going through this thing.

Maybe I am the exception but, ultimately, my behavior helped ruin this marriage.

This is just an FYI...Sometimes it may not be cheating, it might be depression.

lots of love.

How is it not cheating? You were sharing things, I.E. getting your emotional fixes from someone else who wasn't your spouse. That's basically cheating. It doesn't matter if you go to bed with that person, or if they are even just a friend.

If you are sharing things with them you don't share with your husband, and getting your emotional needs met by them instead of your husband, it's an emotional affair.

Even if it's your close "girlfriends."

Your spouse should be your closest friend and you said he wasn't.

I.E. you were having a type of affair. You WERE cheating, emotionally.

Hi.

There is a difference in seeking someone out in an affair and seeking out people that you have known for along time to try and regain a sense of self that can sometimes get lost when you get married.

He was/is my closest friend but, I was falling apart and in a lot of pain...Texting friends was just something I did to keep connected to the world.

I don't think of that as cheating...

Cheating is lying...and I wasn't doing that.


I would like to hear more of your thoughts on this, please.

P.S. None of this reply should sound angry when read...I am honestly trying to become a better person and I am very interested to understand a perspective such as your own, it makes me think, if I did this to you, you would have considered it cheating and it scares me to think that my H may have thought that too.

Best,
Cakes.

You are like me - ADDICTED to the computer. Yes, you can have affairs with computers or any other hobby and it does not have to be a person - it's an alcoholism of sorts - any addictions are.
I know - coz I have a computer addiction - though ZI email no strange peeps, nor do I chat, nor do I have any instant messengers on my computer, it's still the same: it takes time away from your spouse, and that's wrong.
I admit this coz I am wrong to do this and yet I still do.
That's my 2 cents worth - you asked for thoughts and those are mine.
Just ask my wife - she's ready to throw this computer out the window.
Madragana-Alzbeta (Harold)

Did you ask your husband this, or are you just assuming that he was OK with you sharing things with others that you didn't feel you could share with him?

Remember, Marriage Builders says that we are not to engage in Independent Behavior, that we are not to do things that our spouse is not enthusiastic about.

So did you run this theory by him? If not, then again I ask how this is any different from an affair? Just because you say so?

What if he is having an affair, but says that he doesn't feel like what he is doing is an affair. Does that make it OK and not an affair from your perspective? Of course not.

So what was his perspective on what you said in the first post as well as your view described in your response to me?
Sure sounds like it was an affair. It's right out of the wayward script. "We were no longer close." "I didn't love him anymore." "I had to find myself. I had lost myself in the marriage and I had to find myself again."

These are all the words of a wayward.

Here is the thing about marriage. There is no SELF in marriage. If you are looking for yourself, then by definition, you are looking to end or damage the marriage. Marriage is US, not SELF. The idea is that you do lose yourself. You lose me and become we.
What did he think of it? That is far more important when it comes to the impact of your actions.
Lying includes keeping secrets. Not telling everything you know. If you were sharing things with others that you were not sharing with your husband then you were, in fact, lying. Lying is not just commission, but also omission.
Well, I've presented them, unvarnished.

It is a betrayal of sorts. Look at what you said in your first post.

I took this to mean that you felt that being married to him felt wrong. You tried to end the marriage, you said or at least acted as if you were not in love with him anymore. I can't tell if you told him, or just felt this and it shaped your behavior. Either way, you ran to others for your emotional support.
The thing is, HE gets to define what is betrayal, not you. Doubting the marriage may be an act of betrayal from his perspective. Just like emotional needs, love busters and betrayal are defined by the recipient. So he, not you, decides what is betrayal or not.

Let's take the example of former President Clinton and Monica. He "only" received oral sex, no intercourse. He tried to argue he didn't have sex with that woman. Who decides if it was betrayal, Bill or Hillary? Hillary decides if she has been betrayed or not. Bill has no say in her determination that she has or has not been betrayed.

So, if you wanted to end the marriage this summer, and acted upon this, or acted out, or these thoughts shaped your behavior, leading you to withdraw from your husband, to draw closer to other friends to have your needs met, who decides if your husband has been betrayed? Well he does.
So? Does that release you from your vows? Would you accept such excuses from the lonely business man who has a one-night stand? After all, he was feeling alone and unfulfilled, so his behavior was OK, right? Of course not. So while you felt all of those things, how does opening up to others while at the same time either considering or actually withdrawing from your husband make any of those thing better?

There are few, if any innocents in a marriage that ends. We all sin. We all make mistakes.

The difference is, what do we do when we make mistakes? Do we own our behavior, such as saying when I did X, Y and Z, that was wrong and destructive to my marriage. Or do we offer excuses for X, Y and Z, and move on to looking at our spouses bad behavior?

If it's the latter, then there is little or no hope for a better marriage, even in a new marriage later on. The same behaviors that were destructive in this marriage will destroy the next marriage too.

It may be depression. So get treated for depression. But don't try to excuse making deeper emotional connections with friends than you do with your husband with depression. You can be depressed and self-medicate with these extra-marital emotional attachments and STILL be betraying your spouse.

There is no excuse for seeking emotional attachment with others that are deeper than your attachment to your spouse. Doing such is betraying your spouse, period.

Wow,
Enlightened, thank you...really...You have made so much sense...Words and thoughts I was searching for.

I honestly never saw it that way but, it makes it so clear.

The We not Me, Us not Self...I never saw that as the problem it was...I guess in my life, I struggle with a sense of self and that made it hard for me to see what I was doing to him. There was a huge part of me that wanted to be an "Us" but, I didn't know how to do it...That sounds like an excuse but, it's a "truth"....

I don't know why I did those things, I really don't, I am in therapy now to try and understand myself better. Break these patterns...

I am a destructive person and you have helped me to better understand that from a point of view close to what I can only assume my H had.

How, do I move on? what do i do now? Not that you have to answer these questions but, I want to thank you for what you have said...You have amazing clarity and I appreciate that you would share that with all of us here.

You are welcome.

The only thing I can offer is to be the best most attractive, and I don't mean merely physical as you can.

Be the one he wants to be with and he'll be with you.

That means being emotionally safe and healthy. That means owning your own stuff. That means fixing what is broken, and building upon what is good.

No excuses! No blame shifting!

I'm not saying he doesn't need to work on somethings. We all have things we need to work out. But never let what you think to be your spouses short comings and issues be a reason or excuse for not working on your own stuff.

amazing....
really...

What a caring person you are to help others like this.

It means a lot to me.

Family gives bad advice out of love and I was trying to own my sh*t and they kept telling me it wasn't my fault but, I never stopped believing that i had a bigger part in this that everyone was telling me...Does that make sense.

I don't know you but, what a good friend!

I agree with Enlighten_Ex. You were/are cheating. You were cheating your husband out of the intimate opportunity to connect with you. Cheating is about removing your partner from the connection to bond with you.

Society accepts that we "connect" with our co-workers, or best girl friends, our children, alcohal, drugs, additions, etc. But all of these things takes away from the one person who should soley be the bearer of who we are. By the time we are around our partner, we have "shared" everything about us with everyone else. Try abstaining from sharing any intimate things about yourself, your relationships, etc., and then only giving to your spouse. Try it for a week, and see the amazing results. He will be come your solemate.

Good luck!

It refreshing to hear someone speak with such positive feedback. Your kind are few and far between. There have been only a few people I have encountered who "talked" the way you have about marriage. I would love to hear what your path in life has been to get to this point.