I don't remember cold eyes.
What I remember is that he stopped singing around the house and stopped laughing.
He's back to his jovial self.

Today is H's 13th AA birthday. :happynewyear:

Congrats to your husband and you too Pep. It takes a strong person to stand by an Alcoholic spouse.

I hope you are going to a meeting today. Eat some cake for me.

Yes, we went to his "home" group meeting.
I gave him a cake, and I did not eat any (it's a 7 AM meeting !)

So, H gets up to speak and says (paraphrasing closely):

"Did I ever tell you the story about the 3-legged pig?"

Group answers: "No!"

(I groan & laugh at the same time)


H tells the story:

There was a man who went to visit a farmer friend of his. The man saw there was a 3-legged pig running around the farm.

The man asked: "What's with the 3-legged pig?"

The farmer says: "Well, that there pig is the best pig I ever owned.
One time the house caught on fire. Well sir, that pig came running into the house making such a ruckus that we all woke up and our lives were saved from the fire by that 3-legged pig."

The man says :"Wow! That's really quite a remarkable pig!"

The farmer goes on : "Yes, well that ain't all of the story. Another time I slipped and fell into the well. I would have drowned too ifin that pig had not pushed the bucket with the rope tied to it into the well where I grabbed it and the pig took the other end of that rope in his mouth, and pulled and pulled until he pulled me out of that well, ALIVE!"

The man was really impressed with that remarkable pig.
So he asked "Tell me how the pig lost a leg?"

The farmer chewed his straw and said plainly:
"Well obviously you don't eat a pig that special all at once!"



The AA group groaned.
My H went on to say:

"I was both the pig and the farmer. I was cannibalizing myself before I came to AA 13 years ago. Killing myself little by little."

It was a good meeting.

Pep, may you and hubby have a lifetime of such anniversaries!

Mazel Tov and Happy Birthday to your H. That is quite a feat and he should be very proud of himself as well as you for walking through it.

He's a teenager now... LOL :crosseyedcrazy:

Yes I know exactly what you are talking about. Right after Dday and right after the separation his eyes were sad, but they quickly became the eyes of a stranger. The eyes of someone I didn't know and someone who didn't know or even want to know me. He had the eyes of a man who found me extremely unattractive. Thank god I don't see them anymore. Even when he's not happy with me.

God I remember that. Being looked at and not seen. But mostly it was his face. Cold, hateful, sneering.
I remember I woke him up one night when he had gone to sleep on the couch and he looked at me and the look made me feel like the most worthless POS ever to walk the earth.
Then there was the refusal to look at me during the FR.

Now he looks and looks and it does no harm

Thanks for the thread, believer!
I did not know how to describe what I say in my WH -- it was like he had completely become another person. He does not look the same and I guess what also was the case is that he could not look at me the same.
I wonder if he looks that way to our kids too?
I have one picture of him where he looked the way I will always fondly remember him. His eyes are so soft and kind -- just how I would have described him until the affair.
I guess that is another sign that I'm not crazy, just betrayed!
BF439

Glad it wasnt just me. Talking about looking at them completely, it was weird the day after D-Day. I pulled up to WW mom house and she was outside, it was like someone I didnt know. She looked like a person who I was meeting for the first time and they didnt like me very much. It was strange, glad to know I am not alone. Even now, when we talk about something she will not look me in the eye unless we get off onto something that is making us both laugh and be comfortable.

There are the occasions, though, where I will be leaving or something and I see it. I see that old look in her eyes and a sad look on her face. Almost like a look of wanting and then it disappears.

And Lil, even in his picture (that you posted the other day), he looks so much younger and relaxed!!! It is uncanny.

By the end I knew I had those eyes - to anyone looking, not just my BH. I felt protected (like no one could see inside, I was insulated and 'safe') and emotionally dead.

No pictures to compare, but interesting idea.

Oh yeh! I remember those eyes. Kind of like a cold, dead fish. I could tell when H finally was coming out of his drug induced A fog when his eyes literally began clearing up. I think these lyrics by The Eagles song "Lyin' Eyes" kind of sums it up.

You can't hide your lyin eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
Honey, you can't hide your lyin' eyes

My WH eyes have always been his most atractive feature. Eyes that dance and sing.

The last 3 months I have seen the cold dead eyes you all refer to-many times it looks like staring into a deep dark well with no bottom. That is if he looks at you- conversations during his attempt to come home I remember saying "look at me". He could not sustain eye contact at all.

It is amazing sometimes when we have been together for a longer period of time and are just talking about nothing relevant- those eyes start to twinkle. Almost like they use to- But then like a flash that is gone- replaced with the cold. It is like he will catch himself- remember that he is HAPPY with the OW so he couldn't possibly be with me.

My WH never has been one to anger quickly but I have seen a look in his eyes that screams "How dare You"- usually when it is evident that he is the cause of his own pain. But the anger is directed at me.

I wonder what his eyes say to the OW or does she even notice?

We had a studio family photo taken in July this year, 6 weeks after starting the EA with OW. WH looked completely despondent.

Compared to the studio family photo taken 18 months prior, he looked completely different. His eyes were shining and alive and he looked full of life and oh so happy.

The eyes have it. I look so different now too. Before finding MB my eyes had become cold, now they are back to shining. I realised I didn't need WH to be happy on the inside

After church yesterday I went to a resturant to eat. I go in... the waiter seats me. I'm eating my meal and I notice a woman get up and go into the restroom.

Hmm.... could it be?... I watch... Yep... it's my WW.... she's there with her boyfriend...

I stayed right where I was at... They had to walk right past me to pay their bill and leave. They got up and start walking toward the register... I kept my head up and my chest out.. (To steal a phrase from Mimi.) I looked them both in the eye as they walked past.... They couldn't even look at me... Both of them looked away...I watched them walk past... (head up chest out) They get up to the register. And I take my gaze off of them... Then I looked back and caught both of them looking at me... They quickly looked away again... Still couldn't look me in the eye.

She looked awful... From a distance she didn't even look like my wife. It wasn't until they were close that I was sure it was her. She's a very skinny woman and always had that mediteranian olive skin tone. She looked pastie paper white and her eyebrows looked like they had been totally plucked out ... Not even the same woman. She had that look... Battle hardened soldiers call it "The Thousand Yard Stare". It's that blank stare they get when they been on the front lines too long.

That's the first time I've seen her since... March...April?

That's the first time I've seen OM#2 up close and I'm pretty sure it's the first time he's ever seen me. Maybe a reality check for him... I'm not the grotesque disfigured monster I'm sure my WW has made me out to be...I hope they both feel real guilty right now.

Dang, Amazin'! What a lunch!

Yeah, I can relate. Gray and Slag are both pale and sickly...at least HE was when I last saw him up close in August. I could see him from Shiny's window last month but not that good.

Her on the other hand? Ugh! Skinny as a rail, pale as a fish belly. Claims on the stand that she lost weight because of the stress of the affair!



Wait! I think that one needs to go in the "wayward sayings" thread!



Good for you for doin' "tha' mimi!!"

Charlotte

She looked so pale and sickly it makes me wonder if she's been boozing again...


"tha mimi"??? I didn't know it had a name.

Eyes tend to look cold when there's no functioning organ behind them.

It does now!

Charlotte

Good point!



But seriously, good point!

Charlotte