I just want to thank everyone who is involved in the upkeep of this website. The information that I found here has been so helpful.

I am newly married, it has only been a year and a half. Our circumstance is special because we have never lived together for more than a month at a time. He is Swiss and I am Canadian. We shuttle back and forth every two to three months to each others respective countries. I have to finish my graduate studies until I make the major move. This will be in about a year and a half.

Our relationship is/was wonderful. He cheated on me with OW who was a friend of his. They 'hung out' for about ten days and he claims to have fallen in love with her. He was pent up with guilt about the affair so he told me. He also told me that they didn't sleep together. The affair lasted for two weeks.

I am here now with him for the holidays. I will be here for the next month. He admitted that he slept with her. He didn't want to tell me while I was far away for fear that it would destroy me. If I had known beforehand, I probably wouldn't have come for the holidays. Clearly he was lacking something from our relationship. Sure enough he says that he felt lonely and wanted to connect with someone. Sometimes the telephone, text messages and emails are not enough. He no longer speaks to her because he wants to make it work out with me.

I think I want to end this. This forum talks about fulfilling each others emotional needs. With the distance, this is next to impossible. I feel it requires an unprecedented amount of strength to resist temptation. I was strong for him but he was weak. Also, trust is the only thing we have. And the trust has been violated big time. The only other viable option would be to have an open marriage which I am not keen on. Of course, I still love him. This is why I am not firm with my decision to separate.

Any thoughts on this -- fulfilling emotional needs in a long distance relationship? Can this be salvaged? Thank you in advance for all your responses.

I think it would be very difficult to trust him again. He has shown you his character. You have no children, right? If you are inclined to get out of this marriage, I think you are justified. Marriages go through down times. He has shown you that he does not have the strength to deal with tough times.
Sorry for your pain.

chi, as you have learned the hard way, it is not a good idea to get married if you can't live together. You are both living a single life but trying to adhere to boundaries set for married people. Living apart is an invitation for affairs, as you have learned.

As long as your marriage comes second or third in your life, this will be the kind of result you can expect. But if you change that, and make the marriage FIRST before your schooling, etc, things might chanqe. But, as you can see, putting the marriage 3rd or 4th does not work. Living apart does not work.

If you are not available to be married, then you might consider ending the marriage and getting married some day when you are available.

Yes Zelmo, we have no children. This is so difficult for me because I do believe that people deserve a second chance. However, it is so difficult to completely eradicate what had happened. *sigh* If there is anyone here who has dealt with a long distance betrayal I would like to hear how you dealt with the situation.

Chi,

I've dealt with a long-distance betrayal. A year ago, I was unemployed, but was offered a good job out of state. I took it, but when we went househunting, FWW announced she wasn't moving, but would wait while I tried to find something back home (fat chance in our state). Little did I know she was in an EA. I discovered the A the day after they first slept together, 3 weeks after starting the new job. I can work 4 x 10hr work weeks, so I get a 4-day weekend every other one when I travel home.

The first month of the A were tumultuous, and we almost ended in divorce. Then I discovered this site, and began a Plan A as best I could. When I was home, we planned dates out, and I paid attention to her, particularly noticing her clothes, hair, perfume, etc. I whispered sweet nothings in her ear, etc. When I had to go back to my apartment, I'd send her cards, flowers, etc. This all hard, suspecting that she was still screwing the [censored]-wad.

At the same time, and just as important, I took care of myself. I took up hobbies, went out with friends I was making here, started at a gym. I was showing her that I was ready to move on.

Also, just as importantly, I was figuring out ways of snooping on her. I was able to access the OM's answering machine, where I heard her messages to him. I was able to access her cell phone records on line, where I saw again she was still calling him. Later, I was able to piece together clues from her cell phone records, like noticing calls from a payphone down the road from our house (him calling to see the coast was clear).

With each of these new means of snooping, I discovered she had broken the previous NC she had promised. I then backed away, went dark for awhile, and did not answer her calls. She then would agree to NC. This continued several times over the course of almost 5 months, until I exposed the A to her family. Shortly thereafter she ended it. The reasons she ended were:
1. I had shown I could come out of my shell and give her the attention she craves.
2. She became insecure when she saw I could move on with my own life - despite the A, she said she never pictured her life without me in it.
3. Exposure took away the excitement and replaced it with shame.
4. The infatuation naturally burned itself out. After 6 months of the EA/PA, she looked at OM and wondered what she really ever saw in him.

So, I think an A can be fought long-distance, but it cannot be done with just meeting ENs of the WS. Otherwise, they'll just be cake-eaters, and enjoy the benefits of both the OP and the BS.

Zelmo, that is precisely what the goal of a Plan A is- to restore the marriage. Sure it isn't fair that the betrayed spouse is the one who has to do the work, but that is the way it is, if they want to fight for the marriage.

Thoughts like "When is it my turn" do not build the marriage. Are you saying Galoot deserves to have a revenge affair? How will that make Galoot's life and marriage better?

The reward that the betrayed spouse hopes for, is a recovered marriage, better than what they had before. Reading some of the threads of the fully recovered couples here, I'd say they are to be envied. Much better outcome than having your own revenge affair.

Chi, I suffered through a long-distance marriage for a few years. It was very tough. My H's Canadian and I'm American so we were at least on the same continent. I could give you pointers on how to try to increase your connection long-distance. You could read my thread to see how difficult it's been for us. BUT (and this is a huge but... must be all the holiday candy and eggnog...) my H has never cheated on me. That is a wound that is much harder to heal than just being long distance.

There are folks here who had to do a long-distance Plan A. So it is possible. But there's probably a difference between long-distance because the WS left, and long-distance because the couple just plain doesn't live together. You can read lildoggie's thread, she did a great long-distance Plan A.

I would like to offer hope. But so far it seems my M may be the only one to have survived being long distance, and we didn't have infidelity to contend with. I am not saying there's no hope. But there's plenty here who are saying that, and so far they've been right.

One thing that bodes well for you is that he seems to have been honest - he told you about her and that he slept with her. He did not have to do that - he could well have kept it a secret and you would not know. Give him the option - be free or be with you. Give him wings. If he flies let him free. If he remains grounded and with you, you know his heart is in the right place.

I want to thank all of you for posting. Your comments are appreciated.

Rainbow Blue, he does want to be with me. This past week has been difficult for both of us but we are making an effort to love and appreciate each other. The conflict is whether I should leave or stay with him. Can I deal with the betrayal or is it better to walk away?

I think it's neccessary to divulge some details for a better understanding. I will try to be succinct. We are newlweds (year and a half). I came to visit him in Switzerland for a month last August. That month was so wonderful.

A month and a half later he calls up a friend to hang out. I am not against my husband having female friends. This is actually someone he has known casually. They start hanging out more in the beginning, usually in the company of friends. She confesses that she feels something for him. He said it would not have gone further had she not confessed her feelings for him. I'm a realist and I know that there are people we can be attracted to despite being commited to someone else. I also know that it's okay to want to garner attention from the opposite sex, a boost to the ego, so to say. But people have choices as to how far they are willing to go with the attraction that they feel. This is where my husband failed miserably.

Instead of trying to reach out to me, call me on the phone or express his confusion, he continued to see her. The affair lasted ten days before he told me. At this point, physically, they had only made out. He bawled on the phone for three hours telling me that he's so confused because he thinks he has fallen for her. He says he needs some time to organize his feelings. I didn't have much to say.

The next day I emailed him telling him it was over and that he should go to her. After all, they live in the same city and I'm thousands of miles away. He immediately responded telling me that he loves me and that I am making a sloppy decision based on resentment and fear. He asks me again to give him some time to sort out his feelings. It's asking too much but he really wants me to be patient. I thought about it for a day and realized that if this relationship were to end, I want to hear it from his mouth, 'I want her, not you.' This would give me the ammo to forget and move on.

Three days later he emails me to tell me that he loves me, wants me and wants to work on our relationship. This was on November 10. I already had my ticket booked for December 19th. The period of time before I arrived here was heart wrenching. We were in a very delicate and crappy situation because we could not see each other faces as we express our pain, torture and love for each other.

When I arrived here he confessed that they did sleep together. What baffles me is that he slept with her after he confessed the affair to me. It happened once and he realized that once he 'got it over with' he realized that it was me who wants to be with. I feel kind of sorry for the OW now that I realize my husband just fu*cked her and chucked her. The OW wants to be with him but he told her that he wants me. They stopped contacting each other once he made his decision.

Now, I'm here, in love with my husband but in an abject state of misery. The reasons why I want to leave him is because our relationship is relatively new devoid of any drama and complications. If affairs happen when marriages are loveIy and novel, I can only imagine what sh*tstorm I would have to endure down the road when we've been married for a longer time. He claims that it only happened because of the distance. There's going to be some physical distance for the next year and a half. That is why I am baffled as to why he didn't choose OW.

The reasons I want to stay is because when we are together, we are a great match. We are tender, warm, share similar viewpoints and perspectives on life. He's trying to show me how much of a great husband he can be: being extra considerate, cooking, showing greater concern and attention. He expresses how truly remorseful he is and I can feel it. WhenI get hostile and want to vent, he holds me.

Despite this, I'm still utterly confused. My love is deep but so is the betrayal. Falling ou of love with him and moving on or 'getting over it' are both equally difficult to do.

Tell him to drop his job in Canada and move to Swiss Land. Then when your done decide which country you both want to move to. Otherwise....this might happen again.

The having sex after his confession is a major red flag!!!

By the way, InLikeFlynn, I'm Canadian and he's Swiss. I'd love to tell him to drop everything to join me in Canada but he has a business tha deters him from packing up and leaving. And yes, feasibly, it could happen again.

Believe me, having sex after disclosure makes me sick to my stomach. Even if we were 'on a break' doesn't make it justifiable. He was completely and utterly selfish.

Do you want help trying to implement a plan to keep the marriage on life support until you can be together permanently, to happen as soon as possible?

chi,

I would recommend you do some research on the physiology of infatuations. While your WBF still loves you, he has "fallen in love" with OW. He sounds exactly like my FWW did. He is literally addicted to the euphoria he experiences when he is with her. He wants to do the right thing, but he is confused and finds it very hard because of this addiction he is suffering from. He wants to sort out his feelings, but he will not be able to until the infatuation burns itself out.

Infatuations typically last about 6 months. If you try to save or maintain your relationship, you should be prepared for the liklihood that he will go back to her several or more times during the course of the infatuation, until the infatuation burns itself out and he regains his normal will.

jayne241, the fact that I have taken it upon myself to join this forum speaks volumes. And yes, some tips or a plan to help us get through this when we are away from each other would be helpful.

Galoot, I minored in psychology and yes, I perused some of my old textbooks to get some understanding on the physiology of love. I don't think it's impossible to feel something for someone, although the level, degree and type of attraction has varying degrees of severity. I do think that he is infatuated with her, and he is at the beginning stages of love and attraction that could not begin to manifest itself to a deeper love based on commitment and intimacy. What really hurts are the lies, deceit and violation of trust.

As you saw from my posts, our situations are very similar and I also really feel for you.
Unfortunately, I don't have any tips, but maybe both of us can figure it out together.
Is there any way that your husband can come to Canada now at least for a while so the two of you can work this out? Can he take a leave of absence for a while?

By the way, I tried to send you a PM, but I don't know if it went through. Did you receive it?

teebee

PMs are disabled on the MB board. Otherwise it would be too easy for people to get too emotionally involved with people of the opposite sex, especially in vulnerable relationships.

Is the OP still around? If you are, come back and post something, I'm willing to try to help.

Hey teebee. Yeah, unfortunately, we have to deal with the same dismal situation. It's not possible for my husband to move to Canada temporarily unless he sells his business. He is able to take some time off in February, three weeks at the most, to come to Canada for a bit. I am done the school semester in late April so I can be with him for the spring/summer months. This is less than ideal but this is our reality.

Despite my frazzled emotional state, I feel as if I'm slowly getting better. My d-day was in November but I felt like I had a second d-day just three weeks ago when I found out that the affair was physical. I still cry almost everyday. I vacillate between staying with him and leaving him, even up 'til now. But I am comforted by the knowledge that this rollercoaster of emotions can last for some time. I've been hanging out with some friends (which are not his)-- this has been theraputic for me. I day trip when he's at work: taking in some sights, leisurely walking, sauna, etc. -- better than gloating at home. A select group of our friends know about our situation, I suggest that you keep your disclosure at a minimum until you have a better grasp of the situation. I didn't realize that it would hurt me so much for our close friends to describe him as a 'scumbag, [censored]****, f*cking idiot (insert any and every expletive here)'. The reason why it hurts so much (even if I believe it myself!?) is because one misgiving cannot define *wholly, completely* who he is.

I can't emphasize this enough but you should focus on yourself and how to heal your heart. This means getting your confidence back -- you are beautiful, intelligent and worthy of love and attention. Don't let anybody take that away from you.