SHE IS NOT WILLING. SHE IS NOT WILLING. STOP THIS.

braeworth, you are obsessively addicted to your wife to the point where you have lost any semblance of sanity. Your judgment is impaired and you are MORE FOGGY than your WW. You have been hanging onto AIR and badly devised excuses for so long that you can't see clearly. You have lost touch with reality in your fear.

This is what Plan B is designed to remedy if you will just give it a chance. You are still trying to hang onto EMPTY AIR and refuse to accept that she is gone. You have already shown her your best side for years. The best Plan A in the world would not have ended her affair. You are done with PLAN A and need to STOP.

STOP.

I understand Mel,
I think she would be willing but is worried that if she returns home she would be back to the same old problems. Anyway, need to get back to Plan B soon, she is coming over on Saturday night and has agreed to discuss a plan to rebuild our M but if after that she does not return home and meet my PBL conditions it is back to Plan B and quickly moving to Plan D

During my wife's affair, which I was unaware of at the time, and shortly after d-day, I was "too controlling".

I let her know that yes, I was so controlling that she was ****edit**** another man on my couch. That's the type of iron-fisted ruler I had become!

She quit using that argument shortly thereafter.



Your wife isn't exactly a poor, downtrodden spouse.....

she has a ****edit**** boyfriend, for pete's sake!

Stop this. You are wasting your time in order to avoid Plan B. She is not willing and you shouldn't even be talking to her until she ends her affair. You have already done this numerous times. This is more of the same. Plan A was not meant to be a WAY OF LIFE.

She is only going along with this in order to get you to support her cakeeating. "Might be willing" is not a COMMITTMENT to your marriage braeworth, it is wayward bullcrap that means nothing.

Talk is cheap. Only actions talk. And her actions tell you EXACTLY where she stands. They tell you everything you need to know.

By doing this you are allowing a WAYWARD to set the conditions of her "return." A return that likely will never happen as long as she has 2 men meeting her needs.

Good grief, braeworth... this is painful to watch you do this to yourself.

Ok Mel,
2x4's accepted. You have, as always, helped me see things more clearly. I was doing ok until this health scare, just knocked me back a bit

Why go to plan B if your goal is to then file right away for divorce?

You should do plan B ASAP. Then sit tight for six months to a year. Then evaluate your position as to what you want to do.

Hi Road,

I do not want a D but I have received advice from some of the vets on here that filing for D can sometimes shake the WS out of the fog and if it doesn't it will at least stop me wasting anymore time on a lost cause.

braeworth, your wife has been trained to believe that you have no boundaries and will tolerate ANYTHING via this years long Plan A. If I were in your shoes, I would file for D and go dark as night in Plan B. I don't think anything other than that will wake her up, IF AT ALL. If you do that, you win no matter what. If she does wake up, you might have a marriage, if she doesn't you will be detached enough by the time the D is final that you will be fine with it.

I see no other way because she really believes you will do nothing to ever stop her.

In the meantime, her abuse beats you down mentally and physically. This kind of abuse is bound to hamper your immune system and you may even have cancer. You need optimum health to fight off cancer and you won't have it like this.

Meet with your wife somewhere and then ask her again if her relationship is platonic. When she says yes, then ask to go immediately to his house. Look for where she sleeps, where she keeps her clothes, bathroom products etc. Have her prove as best as possible with no warning that she sleeps separately from the OM.

Does she pay rent to him??

Braeworth - so did you play happy families at Christmas or what?

Brae,

You remind me of when I was graduating from college. It was the mid-60's and most of us where going into the military and off to Viet Nam. You would not believe the line at the Chapel to get married, right after and the few days after we all graduated.

Many of the guys were afraid to face life/death alone. Many of the marriages did not survive because they were based on fear/loneliness/and uncertainty.

You have given a possible death notice. It may not mean death, but it does mean change. You have a W that has abandoned you for years and clearly has left you now. Yet you hang on...everyone askes why? I think I KNOW. You are afraid, you fear life, and you fear death. But, your only chance is to face life and death head on...by yourself and for yourself.

You have a 12 year old daughter that deserves better than she is getting. She needs to see her father both happy and alive. Her mother has bascially walked away from her and you.

Brae, it is time to admit what is obvious to everyone even yourself. She has chosen the OM, all you are hearing are her justifications for her own choices, and not surprisingly, it is ALL YOUR FAULT. You were controling, you didn't let her lead life, you would inhibit her joy in life. Brae, if any of this were true, she would have been gone long ago. What you are hearing is her unwillingness to be your W.

Would you please listen to her. She is finally telling you the truth. It is not that she loves you, it is that she wants away from you and onto a "better" life. Now we all know it is unlikely to be better because her problems go with her.

But, YOU need to focus on two things and TWO THINGS ONLY. One is beating this cancer, and Two is taking good care of your daughter. Anything else other than work is a waste of your time and precious energy.

Your W's decisions are her own, let her own them. It matters not what she says, it does matter what she does. Tell her to remain with OM, you don't need her/OM draining away your energy. You need it for two much more important tasks. Your health and your daughter.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Brae - your announcement this a.m. hit me like a ton of bricks.

There are never any accidents and the fact that you have cancer - and the kind of cancer should be a HUGE message to you.

Your body is giving you clues.

Can you deduce this wake up call your body is sending you?

You can turn this dis-ease to your blessing, or to your death.

But you must do something different.

Cancer is a consumptive disease. TESTICULAR CANCER IS THE CONSUMPTION OF YOUR MANHOOD!!

Healing from testicular cancer requires the restoration of your manhood - you must RECLAIM IT!

Do not turn to this woman who has denied and diminished your manhood to this point!

Get her out the door in a black black plan b.

Do not let her in without full and complete capitulation.

Period.

Unless you have a death wish.

Then be my guest. Have at her partial comfort - while she consumes what is left of your manhood. For she represents the cancer in your life.

Period.

Thanks everyone for all the posts. You have all helped me wake up. Maybe it is that I am afraid, I still dont know for definite that i have cancer, I am still waiting for a scan date and the results of that scan.
But you all make some very valid points, I was doing ok with Plan B until I was thrown this curve ball.
Time to get back where I should be, Plan B,thanks everyone for taking the time to post

I am going to give WW Plan B letter again when she comes round on Saturday, but was going to add an amendment something like

You say you are still in love with me and miss me and DD but if the prospect of me having cancer is not enough to make you give up your "friend" and return home to me and DD, when we need you most then you clearly do not love me and are no longer the woman I fell in love with. Your relationship with OM is another cancer to me and while your relationship continues I will have nothing more to do with you

Bump for Mel and other vets. Do you think I should add this amendment to new Plan B letter or just use as before

braeworth, I would not give her that. That sounds manipulative. Why not drop off a new note - and DO IT TODAY - that reads something like this:

Sally, I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your affair with Scumbag once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. If you want to communicate about DD or financial matters, it will have to be through XXXX. I will have DD meet you at the car for your pick ups, rather than come inside.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your affair with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

love, braeworth

braeworth, there is no better time than the PRESENT to do this. It is better to not see her, but to just drop it off.

You know, Kayla had an excellent post about the cancer. That really took my breath away at her emphasis of the symbolism of your cancer, didnt it yours?

Hi Mel,
Yes the symbolism was not lost on me.
As for the Plan B letter, I will just give her a copy of the original letter I gave her. It is somewhere in my post and very similar to what you have just posted.

braeworth, don't put this off. When you tell a wayward you want no contact and then continually contact her, it tends to ruin your credibility. So I would strongly suggest you really stay dark this time. It will take her some time to really believe it, though.