I know that I should be the one to start putting units in the love bank, but it's so hard for me to start when I feel so neglected.

It’s nice to have money in a horrible economy, but truthfully I was happier not paying bills with a husband who was home a lot more.

I guess I just don't know where to start to put things back together. The fact is he's a lot different than he was before he went to Iraq and it's really hard to deal with a short-tempered, exasperated husband...

Step 1: Identify your household responsibilities.
First, make a list of all of your household responsibilities including child care. The list should (1) name each responsibility, (2) briefly describe what must be done, and when, to accomplish it, (3) name the spouse that wants it accomplished and (4) how important is it to that spouse (use a scale from 1-5, with 1 least important and 5 most important).

When you have finished your list, both of you should be satisfied that it includes all of the housekeeping and child care responsibilities that you share. You may have as many as 100 items listed. Just this part of the exercise alone will help you understand what you're up against with regard to the work that you feel must be done.


Step 2: Assume responsibility for items that you would enjoy doing or prefer doing yourself.
Make a second copy of your final list, so that both you and your spouse can have your own copy. Then, independently of each other, put your own name in from of each item that you would like to do yourself. These are tasks that you would enjoy doing, don't mind doing, or want to do yourself so they can be done a certain way.

Begin two new lists of household responsibilities, one representing the husband's responsibilities, and the other, the wife's. Items from the original list that have been selected by a spouse and mutually agreed to as a responsibility, should be written on these new lists, and taken off the original list.

Now you have three lists. (1) the husband's list of responsibilities, (2) the wife's list of responsibilities and (3) the list of household responsibilities that are not yet assigned.


Step 3: Assign the remaining responsibilities to the one wanting each done the most.
In Step 2, you eliminated all of the tasks that you don't mind doing. You are left with those that are unpleasant for both of you. These are items that neither of you want to do, but one of you wants done.

It is at this point that you choked on my recommendation. I suggested that these unpleasant responsibilities should be assigned to the person who wants them done the most. It's a reasonable solution, since to do otherwise would force responsibility on the one who doesn't care about them.

By the way, I did not mean to imply that you were supposed to be enthusiastic about taking responsibility for tasks that only you wanted accomplished. I simply feel that if you didn't take responsibility for them yourself, the only one left would be your husband who doesn't have any interest in them. And, as you've noticed, the only way you can get him to do them for you is to make demands on him.

Demands, as I have explained in my Basic Concepts, always withdraw love units, and never solve problems. So until you have a better way of getting these things done, like hiring someone to do them, I suggested that you take these unwanted tasks yourself.

Bear with me once more as I explain to you why I recommend this solution.

Consider for a moment why you want the other person to do these unpleasant tasks for you. Even though you are the one who wants them done, you want the other person to relieve you of the pain you suffer when you do them. It other words, you want to enjoy the benefit of having them done, but you are not willing to suffer for it yourself. You would rather see your spouse suffer. You want to gain the benefits of having these unpleasant tasks accomplished at your husband's expense.

You may argue that these tasks are not really what you want done, but rather, what should be done. You may feel that they are for the benefit of your children, or some other reason. But when you use that argument, you imply that your spouse is such a slob, and so out of touch, that he doesn't even know or care what's right or what's best for the children.