Alright. Me(22 yrs old) and my wife(20 yrs old) have been married for 4 years. We got married when she was 16 and I was 18. We have had 2 handsome boys together ages 2 and 4. In the first year of our marriage I had some issues being faithful, but since then everything has changed. She, as well, had a few incidents, but have eventually gotten out and we officially began our family. We still had issues within eachother like trust and comminication but we worked with what we could and made the best of it.


(December 10th 2008 - December 31st 2008)
Early December 2008, she decided she wanted out, and had packed some of her things and went to stay with her father. I quickly found out that she had been getting close with another guy(28 yrs old), whom I work with. He has a pregnant long time girlfriend at home, along with his kid from another marriage and her 2 kids from other people. I work with him and were acquaintences with him, and know that he sleeps around on his girlfriend with countless women, but he has recently "charmed" my wife, and she has given in.

They started out as just messing around with eachother, sexually. Things began to get more "serious" between them, as I tried my hardest to help her realize what kind of guy he is and what his intentions were, but she would listen to what I had to say. Weeks go by, I get my kids whenever I'd like, which is good on her part, and good for me during this time.

She found out that he had been sleeping with other girls, while they were suppose to be "together", so she finally realized what I had been saying all along. One day later, I heard some news from others, and decided to confront her about it. She is pregnant with his child.

She regrets everything with him, and NOW wants to work on us, but I am so torn and beat up emotionally through out all of this time, and to hear this now just crushes me. I know I'm still young, I love her like no other, and now since her head is clear about him, she wants to work on us.

I have no clue, or idea what to do or how to do it. I believe I cannot be with her if she has this child. I cannot keep raising my kids and someone else's child that she had an affair with.

Any advice would be appreciated...

You might want to click on notify and ask a moderator to move your post to GQII where you will get many more replies.

Read, read, read and read more information posted on MB.com and for forums. Your situation seems like it's unique, but I'm sure someone out there has been down the same road.

Repeat, read, read, read, and read more. Take time to decide what is best for you! Not best for your children (this sounds selfish, but if you stay in relationship for childen it's doomed to failure).

Take your time. Examine your thoughts, your feelings, the situation. Read some more, then call Harley's and talk to counselor.

This is YOUR life...only YOU can decide what's best for you.

When I first posted here I was afraid of the "you should do this..." posts. And got them. It's easy to judge from afar, looking only at words on the screen. It's much harder to stand in someone's shoes and live their lives.

Take the time to examine your life and see where you are and want to be. D.

dagger

"I believe I cannot be with her if she has this child. I cannot keep raising my kids and someone else's child that she had an affair with."

Some men can and some can not have anything to do with raising their WW's OC, other child.

You can only do what is right to you. At this point your life is so upside down you can not make decisions clearly. Best to let some time to pass. Then after weighing the situation you will know what it is and how it will have to be done regarding the marriage, COM, OC.

The first thing that needs to be done is that this affair needs to be exposed. You must tell OMW/GF, work, WW's parents and siblings.

Exposure is needed to bring about NC, no contact between OM and WW.

Do not have SF with the WW until she has had STD tests done.

Also being that WW has stepped out before you should have DNA test done on the COM, children of the marriage.

Thank you all. I just have no idea what to do. I feel like decisions need to be made now before all of this gets even more out of hand. Seems to me like time isnt on our side, and decisions need to be made.

Both of our familys have seen this marriage tarnished before, and I wouldnt want them thinking even worse about it if I were to tell them what is going on. I just have NO IDEA what to do.

Though you worry about what your families will think, they still need to know. Do they know that she is pregnant? If so, do they think that it is yours? They will find out sooner or later, as she starts showing. I know that it's a difficult decision and you don't want your family to think badly of you or your wife, but lying/hiding the truth is never good.

OM's girlfriend needs to know immediately! She needs to know everything. Do you have any way to contact her?

You can't control what your families will think, so give that one up. Plus, the truth will out anyway, eventually; the only one that will suffer in the meantime by holding it all in is you.

AND. The only way to really knock the A off its tracks is to expose, expose, expose. No guarantees but it makes it MUCH more difficult to continue.

Re: the pregnancy - there are at least (potentially) three lives involved here. Are you able to afford a session with the Harleys? If not, is there a pastor/rabbi/priest/other that you trust? Or access to a counseling service? You are going to need support to sort through your feelings about her pregnancy and your choices - and that's in addition to whatever couples work you do.

I know it feels like there's no time, but there really is. If she decides to terminate the pregnancy she has until the end of the 1st trimester - may have longer depending on the state you're in, and finally there are always options such as adoption. The two of you DO have time. Don't add to the tremendous pressure you're already under by feeling you have to make a decision today, tomorrow, or this week.

- M

What does your wife want to do?

She is currently out of town until the end of the weekend with her parents visiting family. Tonight I will get her side of everything and what she thinks or wants to do. I personally believe terminating the pregnancy is what would be best for myself, her, and our 2 sons. She has her doubts on that. I know that would have an effect for the rest of her life, however, I think thats what needs to be done to ensure we can carry on and have a successful marriage.

I read above that she has the chance to end it, but it has to be withing the 1st trimester, is that true? I had the impression it had to be done with weeks on conception.

For the time being, I'm trying to keep this topic only between me and her. The other man knows, as well. Not going to tell anyone else just yet, until we sort things out. Everything will come out tonight, and we'll see where we stand from there.

If you do not want to raise the child, I strongly suggest giving it up for adoption.
It would be cruel to kill an innocent baby die to your wife's terrible choices. There are many, many people who would be delighted to have a healthy newborn to call their own.

I agree with that. However, if she does decide to terminate, make sure that it's HER decision. It's a terrible decision to have to make for a woman and, for myself, if I had a man pushing me to do it, I would resent him. If she does decide to keep it, you have to respect that and decide if you can deal with it.

Others may not agree with me, but I feel that it is the woman's choice. She would be the one to live with the fact that she killed her child for the rest of her life.

If she wants to keep it, and I believe she does and has made up her mind out it, theres no way she would give it up for adoption or anything like that, so I think now I have to find it in myself to deal with this and raise it like my own, but I don't know how I will be able to handle that, knowing that the person she had an affair with is still in the picture.

(What do all these symbols mean like WW, OC, etc..)

WW = Wayward Wife
OC = Other Child

Here is a link to the list of acronyms and abbreviations

Acronyms, Abbreviations

I have never been able to figure out why a mother couldn't "give up" a child for adoption, but could kill it in the womb.

You are the one who needs to support her decision to keep it if that is her desire, and I hope you find a way to come to terms with that. Personally, I would have a hard time staying with a man who would allow me to abort a child.

The easy way out isn't always the best way. Prayers to you and your family in this hard time.

If you decide to stay in the M, pregnancy and all I advise you to consult a family law attorney immediately. Some states do not allow the interloper (OM) to file paternity unless the H denies paternity. If you decide to raise this child as your own, the OM may have no rights over the child. (please no usual arguments about father's rights from the usual crowd, we have BTDT).

I would also suggest you call out to a poster named pops. He is raising his W's OC and the OM does have contact. On the pregnancy board we have a couple of FWW's that would be willing to talk to you or your WW about their situations. They are raising their OC with their H's as the father. In all these cases, the H was able to overcome their trepidation about raising another man's child.

Take your time. Work on the marriage. Consult an attorney. You do not have to decide today. Find out how long your state allows a married man to deny paternity. In my state it is two years. You have time.

Pushing her to terminate when she doesn't want to is a recipe for disaster. She will hate you for it if she does it.

You have to decide whether or not you're ok with raising another man's child.

Adoption is a perfectly liable alternative.

Otherwise you're in a terrible and tough position.

But be advised that if you don't renounce this child as yours you will be responsible for him till he's 18 and will be paying CS on a child that isn't even yours.

The law will do this to you.

So you have to protect your rights as a father of your current kids and protect yourself from being slammed with 18 years of child support for a child that isn't yours.

It sounds to me like you are two people who were never mature enough to handle marriage. But you're there now. And the consequences of HER choices are now weighing on both of you.

But you have to make a choice. Save your marriage and raise this child as your own. Save your marriage but give up the child for adoption.

Or finally, divorce. Divorce with an arrangement that lets you be a part of your children's lives but that frees you from paying for and raising another man's child.

I personally know I could not raise another man's child if it was the result of cheating.

You know how stressful parenthood is as it is. Now imagine all the challenges of parenthood with a child that isn't yours.

I personally couldn't do it.

But that's a call you're going to have to make and all your choices suck.

Oh, I forgot to ask; are you sure the child is OM's? Could it be yours? I know you said that weeks went by, but you weren't specific, so I thought I would ask. Is there any possibility that it could be your child?

Well yes, is it a possibility it would be mine as in this 4 weeks time, we did have intercourse 2 times, but she is sure it is his, so she says.

Thank you all for the advice. It has changed my outlook on many things, and am considering different options, like raising this child as my own, but we are still in discussion because she is so confused on this. She hasn't said it, but to me it seems like she is having a tough time deciding between a guy she's been with for a month(OM) versus a guy she's been married to for 4 years(me)d I don't understand that. Like I said, she hasn't said that, but thats what it feels like to me.

I think you should think long and hard about this. She sounds very immature. She walks out on you and lives with this loser and does not even sense enough to protect herself and now she is pregnant. I don't mean to be a downer but you must consider the possibility that you will get back together again and she will leave you again with another fast talker. The problem is that then you will now be financially responsible for another man's child up to the age of 18. Are you willing to accept this? I wish you luck.

This is the future I forsee for you:

You decide to stay with her. She stays with you out of convenience.

The child is born into your marriage, therefore the child is considered a "child of the marriage" and you are legally responsible for the child.

She get fed up with the responsibilities of being an adult and a parent down the road.

She strays again (as she has several times since you've been married) but this time she really wants out.

You deal with a divorce, separation from your kids, and the burden of paying CS for a child that isn't even yours.

I'd say the odds of this scenario playing itself out are about 90%.

Sorry to be a downer, but your WW sounds like an immature child who is caught in a situation where she has to make a tough choice and choosing you is the safe, short term solution to her problems.

You guys have MUCH to work on together if you hope to survive as a marriage. An OC won't do much to help you guys.

Ask for the advice of others in your shoes and who have lived it. Some men are able to handle raising an OC. Many can't.

But the scenario I see for you is due to her age. She's awfully young and so are you and you have both strayed.