Am i being unreasonable? My husband and i have been together for 10 years, he has always smoked, but stated when we were dating he was quitting or going to quit. Ten years later he is still smoking and has no intention of quitting. I have tried to accept it, but the older he gets the more he smells bad, and the worse it is getting. He never smokes around me or in our house. He smokes in his car that we all use but not while we are in it. I now have asthma and get ear infections several times a year so now I really avoid any place or people that may be or are smoking. I really can't stand the smell anymore, it's nauseating when he comes home from work. He will smoke in his car with the window partially opened so he really smells when he comes in the house. He will go outside to smoke and his hands stink. Even if he showers and brushes his teeth, when he breathes it still smells like an ashtray. So I can't stand to sit next to him, cuddle, sex - if i hold my breath. Obviously this is causing a problem in our relationship but he says I'm just being a "prude". He's angry that I never want to have sex, but how do you have sex with someone that you are never close to(because of the smell)? We spend no time together, he goes to bed 2 hours before me. AND before he goes to bed - he goes out for a smoke. Am I being unreasonable? I don't know what to do, I'm disgusted by it anymore. It's not attractive. Any thoughts?

Is there more going on then just the smoking?

I'm fairly new here so I haven't read all the articles, etc, but the basics: love busters, emotional needs and resolving conflicts seem very logical to me. And by continuing to smoke your husband is not only endangering his health, he is LBing, and not working to resolve conflict. Does he express a desire to quit? In my mind, if he knows it's immportant to you, it should compound this desire. Perhaps he's afraid of failing? If he could just let you know WHY he wouldn't want to give up a life-threatening habit, you two could discuss it. You could let him know that it's ok if he fails a few times while trying to kick the habit. I'm sure he knows about gum, the patch, etc.

My husband chewed tobacco when we first met. He also made a lot of promises to me about quitting. When we get engaged, when we get married. When we have kids. And so on. But he never did. He only quit when he discovered a growth in his mouth. He had it biopsied and it was benign but the scare was enough for him. He did need some help (the patch) to quit. I was aggravated that it took a threat to his health rather than responding to something that I stated was important to me that finally got him down the road to quit but at least he finally did. I'm not having the same issue with his drinking. I think he drinks way too much, he disagrees and even though he knows it's important to me, he will not change. I'm quite a few years older and wiser now so the message I'm getting is one that I'm heeding. My needs are just not that important to him. And if this is the case with your husband, better you know now?

Touchy subject for me, since I'm the smoker, but...

Why would you MARRY a smoker if it was a dealbreaker for you? I don't care about the promises to quit, yadda yadda...he smoked on your wedding day, didn't he?

FWIW, I married a non-smoker who told me that he would never complain about me smoking. He lied, too, just like your H. So I really don't get people who go into relationships knowing the other person's bad habits and then griping about those habits.

Yes, I think you're unreasonable.

no, you are not being unreasonable! His smoking is ruining your marriage and you are absolutely right to tell him that. He needs to be told lovingly - but PLAINLY - that you are falling out love and can't stand to even sleep with him anymore. Does he not want you to be in love with him? Does he WANT you to be so disgusted you can't sleep with him?

Check out this article about how important complaints are in marriage: Complaining in Marriage

No, you are not being unreasonable, but I think it is important that you communicate your complaints respectfully and lovingly to your husband...Explaining to your husband how important it is to you to remain in love with him, and that his continuing to smoke drains your love for him...

I believe smoking would fall under "annoying habits"...

For those people that don't think this is true, just to give some perspective, Mr. W and I both have access to Dr. Harley through the MB Weekend Forum...I wrote in regarding Mr. W's snoring...Some would think that that is something that is completely involuntary and therefore it might not be considered an "annoying habit", but Dr. Harley was emphatic that it was, and also brought up the health issues associated with snoring...I am certain that he would be even more emphatic in regards to smoking...

Mrs. W

AGree!! And don't trash talk and denigrate smokers to him.

What about the fact that she married a smoker?
Anyone who smokes or has smoked knows what an addiction it is, compounded by the nagging from someone that after a shower and teeth brushing it can still be smelled so no SF for you so now the stress is on, I would go smoke to.

I'm sympathetic in that she married a smoker however, it's OBVIOUS that his smoking is killing their marriage (and killing him as well)

He can continue to smoke at the cost of their love.

Her reaction to his smoking is not something she can control - our emotions just ARE and every interaction with her husband either deposits or withdraws love units. Simple as that.

To me, it's the same as marrying someone with a gambling addiction and then complaining that he lost all the money, or marrying an alcoholic and then complaining that he's always drunk, or marrying a meth addict and complaining that he's psychotic.

If you don't like it, don't BUY it.

It's not like he hid the fact that he smoked, or started after they married.

Well see to ME you are TOTALLY missing the point. It is RUINING their marriage.

Well see, Mr. W also SNORED before we were married...So much so that I had heard legendary stories of it...He went camping with friends, got up the next morning and people had moved their tents!

Anyway, the point is, his snoring had become such an issue that we were having to sleep in separate rooms...Further his health was at risk...Both of those things were BAD FOR THE MARRIAGE...Which is the POINT...And that is the case in this marriage...The smoking is ultimately BAD FOR THE MARRIAGE...

In a "Buyer" relationship each partner will do whatever it takes to make the marriage work...to make it one of extraordinary care...

Mrs. W

This kind of consideration and care is how compatibility is built in marriage.

Thank you, thank you, yes i got all the promises too. He actually did quit for a year, I was so happy. Yes I completely agree, I married him as a smoker, but in order to keep me to continue dating him he LIED to me about wanting to stop, kept it well hidden and kept himself from smelling of smoke. It was very tolerable and I could deal with it. And I Married him. Back then I didn't have asthma and didn't really avoid smokers so I was used to the smell anyways. NOW I have a health problem and I completely avoid smokers. So now when I smell it - it really stinks. AND he doesn't try to hide it or prevent himself from smelling of if like he used to. And I don't know but it seems the stink is worse than it ever was as far as what is coming out when he breathes my way. BTW I am a dental hygienist and the smell is not from his teeth it is all breath - hot air from his lungs that is the smell that has gotten worse. He has expressed that this is the only thing he really gets to enjoy, and what else does he have to do but work 50 hours a week come home do chores, sleep and go back to work. He doesn't really care if it kills him early, because there if that is all there is to life then he might as well enjoy smoking. I am upset by his response, all I had to say is - what if it doesn't kill you? You could just end up having a stroke and be left unable to function daily without assistance. You want someone to have to wipe your drool and butt all day? Trust me alot of people smoke, I clean their teeth, and my husband is one of the worst with the smell that comes from his mouth. I'd rather he chewed, and that is disgusting too. I don't want to be near the smell. It has been so bad that I have kindly asked him to please wash his hands. Or I politely turn my face a little away or I gently back up when he talks. I cover my nose with the sheets, face the other way in bed all the time - he's already asleep. I don't sit next to him anymore, and I sure the heck don't want to crawl into bed with him and get intimate just after he smoked a cigarette, and I never have done that. But now he's going out for a smoke just before bed, he will brush first, but then its smoky toothpaste breath. He goes to work several hours before me so it is normal for him to go to bed before me. I am going to check out the complaining in marriage area, thank you for that link. He is really annoyed about the sex, and I have told he we need to spend more time together I just can't be intimate with someone I only spend maybe 2 minutes alone with a day. If that much, but how do I even get close to him to spend that time if I can't stand the smell anymore.

I do see the point.

but, snoring and smoking are apples and oranges, snoring dosen't produce a sensation nor an addiction.
This is an addiction, his smoking isn't going to quit because she has removed herself from every aspect of the marriage, this would make him smoke more.

The cure may be different but both are potentially deadly to the marriage.

The ease of giving up smoking is hardly relevant.

Hmmm, so if he continually lied about his smoking and covered it up...well if it were a gambling addiction or drinking. Then he would need to get help or I would leave him. So does that apply to smoking. He should quit or I should leave. He gets so mad with ultimatums. I might as well pack it up and leave, I think he finds his smoking is more enjoyable. The cigarette never complains.

The fact that you compare a nicotine addiction with gambling, alcoholism and a drug addict to me is very telling (as I have worked in an addictions program for a few years and know all about addiction) because in those cases the addictions get worse and escalate to a point where the addiction is paramount over everything else. And that being the case, I believe it is a source of great stress on those around the addicted person. My father is a chain smoker and I know all too well about how that addiction not only has a hold on him, but is the most important thing in the world to him. So, the attitude about smoking is probably almost more troubling then the habit because the addicted person doesn't want to hear or face the truth about it.

It is only recently that my dad is able to admit what smoking has done to him physically (he's 59 and looks 79), and done to his life and how he'd like to quit but is unable to do so. For years, he was so defensive, he hid his feelings about it because he knew he would never quit. But, inside he knows what it's doing. I think your husband knows as well, but I have been told by many former drug users and pushers that nicotine was harder then any drug they ever quit. So, even though it's legal, it is one of the most addictive drugs ever used. Please keep that in mind.

It's not going to be something you can get him to do without him being able to understand your feelings on it in a way that keeps his defenses down. Even then, he may not quit. One of our students quit intravenous drug use after doing all sorts of things (making it, selling it, being pregnant and doing it) and yet, after all that was gone, she could not give up the smoking. It was only recently that she has finally given it up after a many, many tries.

But she loves him and it is killing him and will kill her with the secondhand smoke. I fell in love with my smoker husband. While dating he tried to hide the fact he was a smoker. He always smoked outside and rarely in front of me.

I HATED the fact I was now "accidently in love with" a smoker. He is highly intelligent but any smoker loses about 75 IQ points off thier intelligence in my mind. He began to look stupid to me since anyone who was smart would not damage thier health that way.

Our love overcame it in this way but it was not easy:

I told him I loved him so much and wanted him to save his lungs and health to live a long life for me. I asked him to quit.

I really did not care about the smoky smell as much as what it was doing to my precious husband's lungs in the long term. He had smoked for 10 years, at least that is what he told me. There was already damage and he is still coughing after 5 years of being smoke free.

He tried to quit then, 5 times but went back to it. He had never tried to quit before and did not know how much of a hold it had on him. He told me he would quit for me. Since he loved me he would quit. But then would slip and go back to it. I found out he would borrow one from the girls at work, etc.

I then bought a pack and he was stunned when I told him that since he smoked I would have to smoke also and damage my health. If he died, I would die faster and smoke more. I lit one up out on our deck and puffed on the cancer stick. He could not stand seeing me "damage myself" and took it away. This started opening his eyes.

The last time he went back to it I tried something else. A bribe, that he wanted. A large expensive TV. I told him "what would it take to get you to quit smoking for good?"

He told me "this TV" and showed me the AD. We made the DEAL. He would quit and I would buy him the TV. I bought the TV. Three men delivered it to the media room.

Two times he slipped (that I know of) and I told him if he slipped up again, he had broken our deal and I was selling his TV.

He then realized that he did not want the smoking addiciton to keep control of him,, in fact he did not like the fact he was controlled by cigaretts. Or anything else.

So, he pretty much stopped the smoking. I test him now and then asking him if we could go out and smoke. He says NO. We have two in the hiding place and so far so good he has not smoked for over 5 years.

So, he finally quit for good. I love him for it!

He never wants to go back to it.

its very relevant, snoring isn't addictive. Anyone who has smoked knows how hard it is to give up. He wishes he never started to smoke, I could put money on that.

I just think all the nagging in the world, telling him he still stinks after a shower and brushing his teeth and what a nasty habit he has is NOT going to get him to quit!

thats my point.