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Well, it has been a few months since my last post. I have been seeing a therapist so my frustration has been being released there.

My story is long so if you are really interested you can look up my old posts but since I am mostly just venting here it's not really all that important.

Here goes...
The wife and I are not doing good at all. things have been volatile for the last 8 months. She has never actually established NC with the OM. She has implied that there would be NC but on 3 occasions she has broken it. The most recent being on her birthday after I took her to a concert. Supposedly, she told him off in the end but she also admitted to telling him she still had feelings for him. so in my mind any NC that was there before meant nothing and really none of it means anything to me. I am at the end of my rope here. We "celebrated" our 2 year anniversary 2 days ago. Not much to celebrate but I still tried to make it an enjoyable occasion.

We don't wear our wedding rings any more. I used to wear mine but she never followed suit so I stopped wearing it too. We have had sex (not made love) once in the last 8 months. She spends most of her time chatting on the internet. She will do it in clear view of me so I know she's not talking to OM but they are still strangers on the internet. It probably wouldn't bother me that much if we had any sort of connection at all.

We have days where we are like friends and we can communicate like normal people but we don't ever talk about our relationship. She gets upset if I bring it up. She just says she feels like she is on a roller coaster with me. The feeling is mutual. I keep trying to be a good husband and stick it out as she says she is trying to do but she never shows me any affection, she is currently meeting none of my EN's and she says she is sorry but does nothing to fix it.

I am about ready to call it quits. I was very scared of being alone but staying in this marriage seems like more and more of a sentence to be alone with no other option. At least if I was alone and divorced I could entertain the idea of meeting someone who would actually enjoy my company. She says she loves me and doesn't want to leave but she sure doesn't act like she wants to stay.

I have not been perfect, as hard as I have tried, I have lashed out at her very harshly (verbally) when ever NC was broken and even some times when it wasn't. I have made many many mistakes but I have reached the point where I have no fight left in me. I am passive and I patiently wait for her to come around and notice me but I don't think it is going to happen. I have told myself month after month that if things don't change next month I will tell her she has to leave but I think I actually mean it now. I am miserable and living with her has become torture. I can't stop loving her and wanting her but I can't live like this anymore.

~Left to Wander


BH - 29 (me)
WAW/WW - 27
Married 2 years
Together 10 years
no children
EA 1-08
Separated 2-08
PA 3-08
NC 4-08
False Recovery 5-08
NC Broken via email 8-08
NC Broken again via messenger 10-13
She walked out again 1-7-09
NC broken again just hours after she left.



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Left,

You didn't ask for advice but I am going to offer you some anyway. Please reread this post, and then tell us what you would counsel a friend of yours to do, if he wrote to what you have written to us.

God Bless,

JL

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Quote
The wife and I are not doing good at all. things have been volatile for the last 8 months. She has never actually established NC with the OM. She has implied that there would be NC but on 3 occasions she has broken it. The most recent being on her birthday after I took her to a concert. Supposedly, she told him off in the end but she also admitted to telling him she still had feelings for him. so in my mind any NC that was there before meant nothing and really none of it means anything to me. I am at the end of my rope here. We "celebrated" our 2 year anniversary 2 days ago. Not much to celebrate but I still tried to make it an enjoyable occasion.

Wayyyyyyy too soon in your M for this to happen. You two should still be in honeymoon stage.

Even Dr H says if infidelity happens this soon in a M, there is little chance of recovery.

Time to way your options, and begin to put your EN's in the spotlight. How many of those is your WW willing to meet. If little to none, than accept that you made a horrible choice, and move on to someone who will actually love you and honor you.

JMHO,

All Blessings,
Jerry

Last edited by shinethrough; 01/07/09 07:19 PM.
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I am sorry to hear that your M is not going well. I don't know what to say. But I am curious how well you've been able to meet her ENs and avoid LBs. What are her top ENs?


I am a 32 yr old betrayed husband.
My wayward wife is 31.
Married 3.5 years.
Found out about affair when it started around 10/1/08.
Affair started as emotional via internet, then went physical.
Wife moved out on 12/27/08.
I filed for legal separation to get visitation with my son--wife countered with big D but now says she is in no hurry to finalize the D??
Currently in Plan A.
3 yr-old son.
7 yr-old step son.
11 yr-old step daughter.
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Have you filled out EN questionnaires?? LBer questionnaires?

Of course there are problems if she hasn't gone NC and implemented extraordinary measures to ensure it. and become totally transparent for you.

Have you tried asking her to look at this site?? To try MB seminar? To read HNHN? SAA?

What MBer actions have either of you done??

Your name is wandering and that sounds like what you have been doing instead of following THE MB Plan!


God's goal for marriage: Become ONE! How? MBer methods.
Me:husband 42
wife, 40
married 1/12/1991
3 children, 1 granddaughter
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Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Please divorce her and get on with your life! You have at least another 50 years left alive. Don't spend it in this agony


Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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Be thankful you have no children


Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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Wow, just getting replies makes me feel less alone.
Bad just got worse. She just told me she is leaving. I guess I saw this coming. Says she won't ride this roller coaster down anymore. Seams to me like we haven't really fought much at all for the last 3 weeks with the holidays and all but she is sure they will go south again.

To answer your questions, I LB'd a lot. I knew I was doing it but when she broke NC it was like ripping my wounds open and pouring salt in. It's so hard to not LB when you feel like your heart means nothing to the person you love.

We actually did fill out the EN questionnaire when we got back together. Things were actually going very very good until she got to the chapter about women needing to maintain themselves for their man. I think she took it in entirely the wrong way. At first she wouldn't visit this site but then later she came here on her own and said that there were lots of people here who saw things her way. I told her I know I make tons of mistakes but by then she still looked down on this place and it was like she didn't care about EN's anymore. I tried to meet hers but but it's hard when the only need she will let me meet is financial. I tried to show affection but it was like it made no difference. I tried talking to her about her day and the things she was interested in but she still would not let me in.

I guess you will likely see a bit more of me from now on as I am pretty sure this is it and I have a long road to wellness ahead of me. Thanks for all of your replies. It really does help to not feel completely alone.

~Left to Wander


BH - 29 (me)
WAW/WW - 27
Married 2 years
Together 10 years
no children
EA 1-08
Separated 2-08
PA 3-08
NC 4-08
False Recovery 5-08
NC Broken via email 8-08
NC Broken again via messenger 10-13
She walked out again 1-7-09
NC broken again just hours after she left.



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Stop torturing yourself. An A after only being married for little more than a year and 8 months post Dday months she's still ignoring your problems? If she walks out, let her keep walking. You are a young man without children. Sorry for your pain but let her go.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I think you should go to Plan B before you go to Plan D.

But, that being said, you're young. I can assure you that you will get over your cheating wife much sooner than you realize. I think you will also see that there are tons of good women out there. Tons. And once you see how much better you could have things with someone else, you'll see that you can love again.

Many of us here who were betrayed wanted to save our marriages. Some of us succeeded. Some didn't.

I hurt for a very long time. But as I got better I realized that what I grieved for the most was the loss of my family. Coming home to my wife and kids.

But I realize now that it wasn't my wife that I missed so much as the idea of my family.

You WILL get over your wife, much sooner than you think, but what you're doing now is not living.

It's killing you, literally. Seriously, take your blood pressure one of these days. You're 29 yo but I can bet you that your bp is higher than 120/80.

You are better than this. At a minimum you should do Plan B.

Get your own place and stop communicating with her and go dark until she can 100% commit to NC.

But I think you'll see, with the peace that Plan B will bring you, that you CAN do better than this.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain with Plan B. It's time.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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A Plan B won't really work anymore. I already tried it and failed miserably though in some ways I actually succeeded because she did move back with me. I just don't think I can do a Plan B again. There is too much pain in my heart.

You are right, I am not living right now. I can't move out because it costs $1600 to break my lease. She can't afford to stay here on her own. She only makes $800 a month and she is paying for grad school. She can stay at her parents house, it's huge and they live alone. My family situation is not as easy.

For now, I think she is moving out, she just packed up and drove away. Said she would be back in a few days to get more clothes and she would pay me a little bit to help with rent since the majority of stuff in this place is hers. Ironic since I make all the money and pay for just about everything. I could have a place half this size and be comfortable with room to spare.

I am telling myself that I won't take her back but I honestly don't know if I am strong enough to turn her away if she comes back. I deserve so much better. I tried so hard to be a good husband and yet she tells me she feels no love from me. I think she is going to contact the OM again and if that is the case then he can have her and we'll see how long he treats her well.

On a good day he's not even half the man I am on a bad day. Oh god, it hurts so bad...


BH - 29 (me)
WAW/WW - 27
Married 2 years
Together 10 years
no children
EA 1-08
Separated 2-08
PA 3-08
NC 4-08
False Recovery 5-08
NC Broken via email 8-08
NC Broken again via messenger 10-13
She walked out again 1-7-09
NC broken again just hours after she left.



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She doesn't deserve your love and you can do better. Trust me, there are TONS of good women out there.

TONS.

The pain in Plan B passess and you feel peace after a little while.

but what you're doing right now is abuse and it's self imposed.

I wouldn't let her back in.

Break your lease and put it on a credit card.

It's better than this torture.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Thanks pomdbd3,

I know there are lots of women out there and while my self esteem is nowhere near what it once was I still feel like I'm a pretty good catch but being alone is not what I am afraid of. I survived 3 months on my own when I first found out about all of this. I am afraid of losing the person who I still think is underneath the fog. I was once told that I don't have to stop caring or loving her but I have to learn to let her go. It's tough to do.

update:

She came over last night to get her phone charger. I was packing up to head out to the studio for band practice when she told me that she talked to the OM the night before. I just don't understand it. Why did she even bother to tell me that? I once again failed and LB'd hard but in the end she said she felt like I had the right to know. I asked her why and after some coaching on my part she said she thought I had the right to know because she knew it was wrong and she had hoped that maybe things would not be over between us.

I handed her SAA and told her to read it and if she can agree to the things it says then I would consider taking her back but honestly, I don't know if I will feel that way by the time she reads it. I'm on a personal roller coaster of wanting to make a stand for myself and moments of missing her so badly that it's almost unbearable. I was pretty busy this week with work and band practice but tonight I have nothing to do and the emotions are starting to kick in and swirl.

As for doing a Plan B, I will not be moving out, this was my place when she threw me out, she can stay at her parents. I'm not paying her way so long as she won't commit to a real NC.

Last edited by Left_to_Wander; 01/09/09 08:34 PM.

BH - 29 (me)
WAW/WW - 27
Married 2 years
Together 10 years
no children
EA 1-08
Separated 2-08
PA 3-08
NC 4-08
False Recovery 5-08
NC Broken via email 8-08
NC Broken again via messenger 10-13
She walked out again 1-7-09
NC broken again just hours after she left.



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Then kick her out.

You are showing that there is no consequences for her behavior.

None.

Is the OM married?

And get past this idea of "the person underneath". She is who she is. She's a woman that cheated on a young marriage.

End of story.

Biggest mistake people make is falling in love with their partner's "potential" and not who that person really is.

Your wife cheated on you. She shows to be someone with poor boundaries at best.

You have no children with her. You deserve better.

You are young.

She is continuing to cheat. I would give my left nut to have been in your position and know that I married a cheater BEFORE I ever had children with her.

I'd kick her to the curb and count my blessings because you are simply asking to go through this he77 when children are in the picture and you will then face and even harder choice.

You're blinded by what you think is love.

This isn't love.

You're the betrayed spouse.

Plan B is the next step and it is what you need.

But you are also at a point in your life when you can learn from all of this, vow to never let it happen to you again, and do something about it before you ever have children.

Trust me, her "potential" isn't who she really is.

And you are being disrespected in the worst possible way when she even has the audacity to flaunt her affair in your face and you do nothing.

She tells you that she is in contact with another man and you call it LBing. It's not LB'ing to react to your wife actively cheating on you.

So stop being paralyzed by fear and make her face consequences.

Does her family know? Does yours? Does his?

I just caught one of your biggest problems:

You've been with her since you were 19. So you don't know any better.

Believe me, you're eating canned tuna when you could be having filet mignon. You don't know how good the women are out there. There are tons who would be happy to meet a man in his late 20's with no kids.

Professional mature women with something to offer.

You're married to a child in a woman's body.

Last edited by pomdbd3; 01/09/09 08:53 PM.

D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Left,

Something Pomd said triggered an old saying in my head. It comes from the sports world but applies here big time.
Quote
Potential is what gets coaches fired.

No, changes, no actions, no go. She has the "potential" to be a wonderful woman, or even just be the woman she was, but she is not because she has chosen to not be that way.

Until that changes, there are no changes.

God Bless,

JL

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Big things are happening right now.


When all of this happened I refrained from telling anyone but my best friend and my family. I know it goes against what I was supposed to do but because of the nature of what happened I really figured it would get out anyway from the OM bragging about it.

To elaborate a bit, my wife threw me out of the house before the PA happened. She had planned on getting a D but I was stalling with the paperwork and she was trying to do some online D for $300. Anyway, She met the OM playing an online video game. Everyone knew who he had slept with from the game before (repeat offender)and my WW was no exception. I played too and have since quit to put my efforts toward more meaningful things in real life but other people in that game were the ones who pointed out that there was something going on with OM and my WW.

Back to the present, apparently several months ago my best friend clued my band mates in on what was going on with me. I'm not really mad at him as these have been my friends since junior high school and I probably would have done the same thing. Well, one of them told his wife who got the story twisted a bit and told my WW's old friend at a party they were at. So now according to her "everyone in town knows about it" but she is mad because the story "everyone" was told is that she cheated on me before she was planning to get a D while we still lived together and that is why we were getting a D in the first place.

To me it doesn't really matter when it happened as we were still married either way, though I have to admit that if it had happened while I lived there it would have been her getting thrown out and I would not still be in this mess today.

She wants people to know that we had problems before which led to the break up. I don't care what anyone else thinks really, anyone I care about would simply ask me about it rather than judge me based on the ramblings of a drunk person at a party.


I'm not sure what that has to do with anything, really not what I was going to post about. I'm rambling, back to the point...



She tells me that she will write a real NC letter and even get a restraining order if he won't leave her alone in the future. She sounds very sincere this time. I'm not sure what to make of it. I have been reading some posts on here about whether or not it's worth it to even try or if I should just cut my losses.

I have definitely been passive aggressive the last 8 months but I feel like it was rooted in the fact that we never really dealt with the A, we just had a honeymoon period for about 5 weeks and all hell broke loose. All the pain and resentment hit me at once.

She claims that she never even considered talking to him again until I started punishing her for it. For all I know that is the truth. I just don't know what to do.

Beyond that she is making a big deal about me not punishing her for what she has done. I know It's not really my place to punish anyone but she is overly sensitive and I am a perpetual smart [censored]. It seems like I can't even talk to her like I talk to my friends or family with out her saying that I am insulting her most of the time. I know when I have stepped over the line and I have stepped over it plenty but I think she has the line drawn much closer to me then it really should be

I just don't know what to do anymore (not that I have in a while). She says things like "I love you, I don't love him" and it gets me right in the heart. I've heard her say these things before but for some reason she sounds more sincere. Maybe it's because before, I left her with pretty much everything and this time she maybe is realizing how good she had it here.

I'm not sure if this counts as a plan but I'm going to refuse to bicker with her, she knows where I stand and I know what my mistakes were. I won't repeat them and I won't stand for anything less than complete NC. I still don't know if I even want to deal with all of this anymore. I guess I am biding my time for now.

On the bright side, I have had lot's of alone time to record music and it seems that the more conflict there is in my life the better songwriter I am. Imagine that.




Last edited by Left_to_Wander; 01/13/09 09:42 PM.

BH - 29 (me)
WAW/WW - 27
Married 2 years
Together 10 years
no children
EA 1-08
Separated 2-08
PA 3-08
NC 4-08
False Recovery 5-08
NC Broken via email 8-08
NC Broken again via messenger 10-13
She walked out again 1-7-09
NC broken again just hours after she left.



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I forsee a future where you are going through this entire mess with little ones in the picture and you'll be wondering when you get to see your son again because WW has run off to go live with another man.

Cut your losses. You're only 27. Trust me when I tell you that life isn't so bad in the land of the divorced and that the women are awesome when they're in their 30's since they aren't out "finding themselves" anymore.

Read my thread about the challenges that betrayed husbands face in taking back a WW.

You've already lived it once. How many times do you have to get kicked in the nuts before you realize you don't like it?


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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I actually did read your thread, it's part of what is making me question all of this. I'm actually 29 btw, not that it matters.

To answer your question, I'm not sure, apparently I can take a lot of kicks to the junk.

I don't particularly want kids anytime soon (given the circumstances) and unless things take a drastic change I won't be getting much action anyway. It's not like I am in a huge hurry to go and meet my baby's momma if things are over and I have never really been the type to sleep with someone once just for the heck of it.

I'm going to not think about it as much as I can for the next 24 hours.

No offense pom, I know you are just trying to help and I appreciate it but anyone else have a perspective they could lend, possibly a former WW maybe?


BH - 29 (me)
WAW/WW - 27
Married 2 years
Together 10 years
no children
EA 1-08
Separated 2-08
PA 3-08
NC 4-08
False Recovery 5-08
NC Broken via email 8-08
NC Broken again via messenger 10-13
She walked out again 1-7-09
NC broken again just hours after she left.



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Originally Posted by Left_to_Wander
No offense pom, I know you are just trying to help and I appreciate it but anyone else have a perspective they could lend, possibly a former WW maybe?

I'm not a former WW, but I do agree with Pom. You've been M'd only 2 years and your M is already infected with infidelity? Is that really the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? I think you're setting the entry bar just a little too low here...




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