My husband had a drug problem for which he sought help and is now better but when he was using he cheated a lot with two different women and both of them became pregnant while I was pregnent with our first child (we have two children now) so now he has two other kids one with each woman, and to make matters worse they live a lifestyle very inconsistant with mine, my now sober husband, and my children (drugs, violence and such). He also ran into some legal trouble when he was using for which he is now doing 120 days in prison he has 90 days left and is saying when he gets home we are going to work on us and get this figured out. We are trying desperately to save our marriage, but I have a hard time trying to cope with the issue, I have tried to talk to him about what he wants to do and stress that we need to do it together but he would go behind my back to see the kids and the women he says he feels like they need him(the OC) because the OW are terrible mothers--they are.(and even though he says he is not sleeping with them any more) I feel betrayed and now he says he is not going to see those kids anymore unless the mothers agree that they can come to our house (which I am not sure how to handle) and they wont agree cause they want my H too. I am afraid he is going to resent me for not seeing his kids. I dont know if I can handle this the OW are very Spiteful, they both want my H, and there is no way they are going to agree to have their kids around me and at my house, because of this he is not going to be able to be in their lives, I am afraid he will resent me for it? I worry about what my kids will learn fron this situation? how do I explain to my two year old that, those other two year olds calling her dad "daddy" are not mine but his? What kind of example is this for them? My H says that he is going to have NC with the OW, and that if they want the OC to see him that they will have to come to our house and be with me which I agreed was the best way to go about things but he has said that once before but after a while he went behind my back to see them at OW's house...I am sick with worry about this! I am worried my marriage is doomed no matter what is it? Also I have trouble trusting him and I get these flashes of him with OW intimately when ever he touches me, He said part of the reason for the A was I dont seem that into him sexually but how could I be when he has done all this, how can I get over this? I miss him but at the same time I am glad I know exactly where he is at, is that bad? Will I ever look at him the same? will my kids be happy? Can I ever be happy?

Welcome to MB. I am so sorry for the circmumstances that bring you here. It seems to me that you are putting the cart before the horse here. How long has your WH been sober? Do you have proof he is no longer in these affairs? What does your gut tell you? Has he agreed to follow a 12 step program for life? How about you? Have you been to a 12 step program like alanon for families of addicts?

Ok, now on to the topic of the OC. If they are two and he has been seeing them behind your back, how did you find out? Did he confess or did you find evidence through snooping?

I would lay some pretty serious boundaries on a few issues with him or the M is over. Harsh? No, it protects you and your COM. He is an addict and they are even better at lying at cheating than the average wayward.

First, if he really wants contact with these children then you have to be ok with it too. Discuss with him what this would look like. Second, if you agree to contact then he needs to get this done legally. Was DNA done on these two children? If not, DNA needs to be part of it. Is he paying child support? Once DNA is established then child support and visitation need to go through the courts. If the mothers are so imcompetent, you may be looking down the road at getting custody. How do you feel about that possibility? There are ways to use a 3rd party to avoid contact with the OW and drop offs/pick ups can be done in public places.

Most importantly as far as boundaries go need to be the 12 step program and random drug testing. Any using and he is gone.

This is all just MHO. Good luck. I have one of those H's that gave into the OW demands to not have the OC around me. 4 years later and he still sees the child on rare occasion behind my back. It is not a fun way to go.

Well he is sober--he actually set those boundaries I had kicked him out about 2 months before our youngest was born and had NC with him he went to rehab--28 days and started an outpatient treatment when he got out he came back right about when he knew our daughter was due to be born and plead his case saying he was sober and that he was sorry that he was ashamed of all the things he had done and that he hoped I could forgive him and give him a second chance to be a the husband and father he always wanted to be- he said when he was not the same person that he would use to get relief from the guilt he felt for using (addicts logic huh?) and when he was using he doesnt even remember some of the things he did that one of the girls (ow1)actually had given him drugs for sex and that is how one of the OC was conceived the other was an old high school girlfriend who gave him money and a place to stay and even her car when he was using, and he began this relationship with her to retain those resources for his habit. He told me all this and that he was sober and that he was going to put our marriage first and that if the OW wanted him to see the OC that they would have to do it on our terms that he realized it would take some time and pray for me to be ok enough to see the OC and only then would he see them at our house with me and NC with OW. BTW DNA was done on both, unfortunately both are his. One already has CS order the other doesnt want CS because she doesnt want her kid around me(the old highschool Gf= OW2)to her this is all a big copetition between her and I. Neither one wants there kid over here but once OW1's child came over she is 6 months younger than my oldest (two yrs old) she was dirty had no clothing packed and the difference in her and my child's developmental capabilities were astonishing I felt bad for her, I worry about her, her Mother is a real piece of work, serious neglect she has been hotlined numerous times, nothing ever happens. So the prob is that after a while he feels bad and I think he doesnt want to handle the stress of trying to get them to co operate plus he doesnt want to hurt me more so he sneaks to see them and makes it worse. He says he realizes now how that was worse and says he will not do it ever again He does random drug tests willingly he is proud of his sobriety and he says that he has prepared himself that him may not be able to ever see them if OW are not willing to play ball he says this is the best choice in an aweful situation and that he doesnt want to lose me and our kids, I just dont want to have him resent me for him not seeing his OC and I feel really bad for them but I dont think I can handle getting custody of them it seems impossible....what do you think?

Oh and I found out about OW and OC by my H's firend who called me to tell me because he said I didnt deseve this, he was right

Hello, so sorry you find yourself here, none of us deserve it but unfortunately it can happen to the best of us. It sounds like your H is doing well for his substance abuse recovery which is a good start. While he is in prison it would be worth taking the time to sort out yours and your childrens lives so whether you let your H come back or not you will be ok and your children will be disrupted the least. The questions I would ask is if you seperated would he just go and live with one of the OW? if that is the case he'll always hold that over you when you argue, that if you don't agree with him he can just live with one of them if you see what i mean? Under those circumstances it would not be worth reconciling. The most important thing now is total honesty between you both in everything. The best option is NC with the OW and visitation either at your house or a neutral public location but your H must not spend any time alone with either woman. The best way to get stable access is through the court system, that way everything is in writing and the OW cannot refuse for the OCs to go to your house. Sometimes NC is the best option but if your H has reformed and you get contact sorted you may turn out to be the best thing that could've happened to those children. Is not going to be easy but you already know that, you should also know that to even get this far without going crazy you are a very strong person. It is a choice you will have to make together about C, its hard to seperate the child from the affair BUT the child is innocent and once the OW are sorted out with concerns to visitation you will find it much easier. Hopefully some of the older posters like faithful will come back and give you some more advice....i'm still quite new at this myself. Take care x

You have a lot to contend with!! You got a couple great replies!

It sounds like your H is doing well with sobriety... it's really critical both of you keep getting support (12 steps at minimum), as addiction is a lifelong issue.

Re: XOW, there should be no contact. If something must be communicated re:OC, it should be in FULL VIEW of yourself!! Nothing to or from should be hidden, EVER.

Re: OC, you will have to decide for YOURSELF first whether you think YOU can handle OC contact. Some have done it successfully. There tends to be tons of mamadrama and you must maintain very strong boundaries (rules and consequences) in place because Ms. mamadrama will test you! Documentation of everything, especially when there is neglect or abuse of OC, is a MUST, to protect yourself and the children. It's not an easy road, will probably involve lawyers and courts (more money, more drama) and the only possible rewards you might have are: 1)the gratitude of your H, 2)love from OC, 3)religious rewards depending on your faith--and no guarantees bout those 3! It *is* probable(!) that if OC is highly neglected, your H will end up with custody after a rocky road--I know at least 2 cases where that's happened. How do you feel about that, while you have a chance to decide? Is that a future you can consider for yourself?

Re: COM (children of marriage)... I consulted at least 2 counselors with experience in this on how to handle when/how telling our kids. I could write quite a bit on that, but I'm running out time today... In a nutshell, the children just want to know no child is at fault for any of this, and they will always be cared for (by you)!! Kids under @9yr look at OC as playmates and don't have a lot of questions... Qs come later. Kids take their emotional cues from you; answers should be honest with a reflection of what values you want them to hold.

I gotta run for now. You have some big decisions to make. Honor what is good and right in life.

J
glad to be free!
divorced after 20 yrs to serial adulterer
kids 6, 10, 16
OC 10 still in contact

Thanks so Much for your comments, It helps even just to know that other people have been, or are going through sinilar things. And that I am not completing insane for considering all of this. to anser the Questions he wont go to live with either one of them he set it up to live with his parents if I wont let him back to tell you the truth his sober self can not stand either one of the OW, and this is something I have observed as well as heard from him. Its like he had to be high to be around them, and he had to be around them becasue they enabled his habit. but he really cant stand their personalities they are very childish selfish and spiteful. I think that is part of the reason that he worries so much about the kids. I never thought I would but now that the anger has subsided I actually worry about The OC too. When the one OC I have met came over I saw a lot of my H in her physical appearance and my daughters(because my daughters look just like their daddy) and it really softened my heart toward the OC also the condition she was in as far as being filthy and you could tell no one really spends time with her reading books and playing, she was astonished by my daughters' rooms and toys. My H has agreed to NC w/OW as he did before, but broke our agreement. He is such as good dad to our COM, and he says things like he is afraid of his judgement for this and he knows he is spiritually responsible for those children in a much higher court than the one that establishes CS. I just worry that the OW even with a court Order will refuse to let contact happen...also my daughter heard the OC call my H Daddy the one time she was over here and my daughter being the very vocal outspoken two year old she is said "that's not your Daddy, that's my daddy" when my H said actually I am her Dad too. she looked at the OC and said "get your own Daddy" and my H proceeded to cry. when I talked to him about it he said he wishes so badly that he hadnt done this to her to our other daughter and to me... I am a christian and I worry about his responsibilty to those children. Were you always good with the OC or did you resent them? cause I can not picture my self in a nuturing, mothering relationship with the OC especailly not like with my kids. I mean I care about their well being...but I dont think I could ever have custody of them and treat them the same as my COM. As far as a 12 step he is in one, he is actually doing treatment in prison that was the deal made to clear out his legal stuff becasue it was aslo as a result of his using. And goes to AA, NA, and outpatient treatment as often as he can. I have not found time to go to Alanon or anyhting but I go to his meeting with him most of the time. And I agree all C with OW RE: OC needs to be in full view of me or through me maybe but that is the factor that will rsult in NC with OC. I feel like not only my M is at stake but also the safety and nuturing of the OC. I dont want them to grow up being neglected and abused but I dont think I have the strength to do anything other wise? and I know it is weighing heavy on My H as well...I jsut wish so badly that it would all just go away...I wish it never happened everything seems so Bleek now...

Oh My!!!! You are so young to be going through something like this. My heart goes out to you. Most of us are not dealing with addictions and incarceration, that must make it all the more harder.

I don't have time to write right now. But I will be thinking of your story and get back to you with any helpfull advice I might have. You are not alone! God Bless!