Here is my story. I am new to this and confused, as I see all of us are!

My H and I were married in 1993. I was pg. at the time, I was married before but infertility broke up that marriage. I thought I couldn’t get pg, but that was wrong. Anyway, we have had many happy years together. Our son was born 1993 and our daughter was born in 1996.

I am a well compensated medical professional. He has his own business. He went back to school to get his teaching degree after a few years. I worked and put him through school. Then he taught for one year where he met the OW.

The year he met her I had a lot of stress at work with long hours, 2 kids under the age of 7 and he had long hours too. My excuse I guess. The only reason he has ever given me for the affair was that we lost our intimacy and didn’t have sex often enough. And there was “chemistry” between the two of them. She is a big flirt; not particularly attractive. By the way I am in good shape and don’t look my age. I look a lot better than she does. Even my H says I am more sexy than she is.

The OW got pg. and had twin girls in 2001. I found out about the affair 8/11/08. At the time she was pg again (but had a spontaneous miscarriage), they had an apartment together that I didn’t know about. Over the past year they began their relationship in earnest and they texted each other constantly, had breakfast together (while he allegedly was at Home Depot setting up his jobs.) (He is now a general contractor so is self employed and runs his own time.) He was getting up at 3:45 am to walk with her for an hour. Came home and we got our daughter ready for school then he left again to have breakfast with her. They met at the apartment at lunch for lunch and sex. I had been withdrawing into my shell over the last couple years. I felt alone and depressed but wasn’t sure why. I am sure his withdrawing from me contributed subconsciously, but I know we both contributed to the current situation.

Well, 2 months after I found out he decided he wanted to stay with me. The walking together tailed off. Breakfasts stopped around then. They had the apartment until Dec 1st. (Lied to me about getting rid of it the first time.) He has broken up with her several times but goes back to her. It starts with texts “I love you, I miss you, I think of you all the time” as recently as 1 month ago. Then they are back in love again. I don’t think they are having sex. He says "honey I am right here with you". Of course he has said that all along, even when he was seriously in love with her and considering leaving me for her.

I asked him to leave me many times but he doesn’t want to go. No one knows in either family. Our kids know there is stress, but not about what. He hates it for anyone to think everything isn’t perfect with us. I lost a lot of weight because I couldn’t eat and a friend expressed concern to him and he was upset with me that they thought things weren’t perfect! I couldn't just lie and say it was a special "diet"! I just didn't say anything about losing weight when asked.

I feel he should stop contacting her about anything other than the kids. He agreed at first but then said he will remain friends with her. That’s who he is and he cannot limit his conversations to her to “how are the kids” alone; take it or leave it. He says it will die out between them. She was married throughout this whole time but “coincidentally” her husband happened to find out 3 weeks after I did, a couple days after I visited my lawyer. Of course, he believes her when she says that was an accident! I bet she is really pissed he hasn't left me for her. Obviously that was her hope!

Her husband has known all along the twins were not his but he has gone along with it until now. She maintains that she hasn’t had sex with her husband for 8 years. (No, I don’t believe that either, but my H does.) There are no DNA tests and I doubt there will be. She is not asking for child support (yet.) But my H believes they are his kids and will not accept any other possibility so proof will never occur because he believes they are his.

Ok, so here is my problem. I love him, He loves me. He says he wants to stay with me. He can now say he loves me and is committed to me with only a little hesitation. But he refuses to tell me how often he talks to her and forbids me to look at his phones to see if there are messages. He told me that I was the one stirring this up and that it will burn out on its own. She has started dating others. I think she is just trying to make him jealous, but he doesn’t think so. If I continue to look at his phones he says he will leave me!

He wants to continue to see the twins regularly, Every week for an hour or two and talk to them. I think they will eventually think it is strange that “mommy’s friend from work” who they never see with his family or socialize with picks them up from school one day a week. He loves kids and is a wonderful father to our kids. I can understand he has an emotional attachment to them. On the other hand, he has only become involved with them the last year or so and was only peripherally involved before. I even understand and accept that he wants to be involved with the kids. We disagree on how much is good for the twins, but that relationship will really depend on what happens to the adults. I just can't accept him being her "friend". I think this is dangerous to our marriage and a risk for continuing the affair.

Is there anyone who has been able to maintain a marriage with someone who continues to visit his children, and most importantly his friendship, with the OW? When he is with me he shows me he loves me, he tries to call and text me multiple times a day. He is kind and caring to me. But, when he is defensive or I have lost my temper or done something stupid that he says he wonders why he is staying with me but he hasn’t left yet. He also said that when he got rid of the apartment they shared he wanted to get another right away but decided not to. I think this was to comfort me, but it surely didn’t. He basically gave me an ultimatum: “leave my relationship with her for me to manage. It is dying on its own. Stop poking and prodding at it. She is moving on and wants to have a relationship with someone who can be there for her all the time and I can’t be.” But then he usually says something sympathetic about how hard it is for her being all alone.

I think once she gets married again that this will resolve itself. On the other hand, remember this is a woman who was married to one man, had children with my husband and hid it for 8 years and meanwhile had other boyfriends asking her out and seeking her (this I have proof of). Not very high moral standards if you ask me.

But aside from this our marriage is outwardly pretty good. Money is not an issue for me, but his lifestyle would be seriously curbed if he had to support himself. We have a lot of debts which if divided 50:50 would be a burden for him financially. He doesn’t want anyone to know about this. These are reasons to stay with me other than he loves me. On the other hand, he wants the twins to know he is their father and not keep secrets, but recognizes it would be bad for them, especially if he didn’t marry their mother.

Am I being stupid? If the affair is going to continue, I will not put up with it. BTW, he thinks since they aren’t having sex anymore, they aren’t having an affair and it is no threat to our marriage! He refuses to read any material about improving a relationship. I am working hard to improve my temper and our communication. He is not doing much to improve our relationship. I am just trying to be myself and a good person and a supportive spouse.

If I am going to be single again, I want to do it now and find my life partner before things start to sag around my middle anymore. (I’ll be 50 this year!) So, it is “push/pull”, work with him, divorce him? But I feel pretty selfish messing up my kids lives divorcing him and bringing all this to light just because he is continuing to love another woman but treats me pretty well. I wish I could believe him, but his past behavior speaks to swirling back and forth too. Even though I have been forbidden to do so, perhaps talking to her, not confrontationally, but just in the spirit of moving on will help?

Oh, btw we have tried counseling. He says he will do things while we are there which he doesn’t do later. He tells us what we want to hear but doesn’t intend to do.

So it is “push/pull”. Any suggestions?

You need to get a paternity test. Insist on it. And you also need to insist that your husband doesn't have any contact with the OW unless you are present.

Otherwise, your life is going to be a nightmare.

Welcome to MB. First please become familiar with Dr. H's concepts. Go to the top of the page and read about the basic concepts. Read the infidelity sections. Get the book "Surviving An Affair". You will see that Dr. H specifically calls for NC for life with the OP. You have lived the reason why, because the affair can re-ignite (or never really go away) while the wayward cake eats their heart out. Oh sweetie, much of what you posted IS my life. The OC creates a connection that makes it hard for the man to completely let go of the OW. The OW are pro's at using the OC as bait to continue the affair and it is perfect justification in the waywards mind as well. After all how can they "abandon" the OW and OC? Unfortunately it usually takes a period of true NC for the wayward to see the truth. Until there there will be a spark, a bit of guilt, a feeling of "responsibility" toward the woman who gave birth to their child. Most won't ask for DNA. After all they would have to admit the OW "cheated" on them to do that, right?

I hope you know the lifetime of pain and mistrust you are heading for.

Who is on the birth certificates? How do you feel about having the OC in your home? Why have you not exposed this affair to anyone? No wonder it was so easy for your H to lead two completely separate lives! Exposure helps kill the A. A's thrive in secrecy. It is time to tell your children the truth. Tell your families as well. Would you rather the children find out from a stranger or worse yet, the OW?

Strap yourself in for a vengeful OW who will do everything possible to "win" your H back from you. Do NOT trust him, MAKE him earn that trust. He must be accountable for all his time and be completely transparent to begin earning that trust back.

Thanks to both of you for commenting. Since I wrote this our 15 yo son lost his temper and told up to get our "s#*&" together because we were messing up his life with our arguing behind doors! It seemed like we had plenty of time to resolve this but now maybe H sees the stress all of us are under. Of course his first reaction was to blame me for loosing my temper. I pointed out until I found out, we didn't argue and I didn't lose my temper over things. I also don't lose my temper with the truth, just when I find he is lying to me again.

In my heart I know she is still fighting for him, just subtly now. She sent our daughter a birthday and Christmas present (but not our son...) I see no reason for that other than to show him how sweet and caring she is for his kids. Our daughter doesn't get presents from any of our other adult friends! He didn't give them to her becasue he knew I would be mad but can't understand why I would be mad about it!

I have read the book on affairs. My H doesn't want to believe it and won't even read the book. I guess that is telling me something.

My H name is not on the birth certs. .

hopefully you don't take this the wrong way. your h needs a good 2x4 upside his head. he is nothing more then a P-L-A-Y-E-R.

what happens from here on has nothing to do with what he wants. only what YOU want. YOU must decide if you want to live married to a man with 2 familiy's.

of course he keeps saying the nice things you want to here. if you leave his sorry a$$ he will be financially straped.

he has been a liar to you for 8 long years and hasn't felt bad about it for one second and now hr is giving you unltimatums. he is one ba!!sy guy.

1st and foremost start by telling him you INSIST on a dna test.

then tell him you will have NO part of him having any contact at all with ow. and if he doesn't like it tell him to pack his bags.

then sit your kids down and tell them the truth about why there is so much tension in your life. they deserve the truth

next out him by telling everyone you know about his torrid afair.


to date he has been stepping all over you because you have NO boundaries. YOU need to set them.

don't even tell me that he loves you. a true man doesn't treat the one he loves like that. what he is doing is manipulating you into giving in because he doesn't want the conflict that he deserves.

For your daughter's sake - she is watching you and how you allow your husband to treat you.

You have NEVER been his first priority in this marriage. Ever. If you read "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" you'll quickly see this.

First and foremost - read up on "exposure" on the general questions board. This affair and it's offspring results need to be exposed to the light of day. He gets the thrill of having fantasy life with both of you and no true reality with either of you.

Unfortunately you most likely will not be able to keep your marriage - sadly it never really was one for him.

But for your daughter, you must be a woman of strength. Your feelings and needs do not matter as a mother. Find that inner strength and get to work! Exposure. Plan B. Let him know what life is going to be like when this goes to "over".

You don't be friends with people who treat you like this. Biggest lesson for you to demonstrate to your daughter. Show her that women do not HAVE to beg for a man's attention. Or his priority. That NO man is better than 1/2 of one!

Wow, Talk about deja vue.....

I was married in 1993. I am a well-paid medical professional who can live independently. My FWH had an A that resulted in OC. I went into a PTSD on day three after dday and ended up losing 25 pounds in 6 weeks. My COM still do not know about the A nor the OC.

then the story changes.....

Day one: I told him he could save the M and his relationship with our COM or he could leave. The rules for saving the M (MB being unknown to me for another year and a half) were that there was to be absolutely NC with the OW. He could call her then and there once and tell her it was over, all further contact was to be through an attorney, that he was going to save his M and his family. (I am pretty sure he wasn't using the same turn of phrase as I did, after all she didn't want anything from him and didn't want to hurt his family....which is why she then sent emails to the house asking if he was going to stand up and put his name on the birth certificate or not/NOT, then she sued for paternity and CS).
Second, that there would be full transparency, if she called, showed up, wrote, and contact in any way I was to be informed immediately, not later that day, or next week. We exchanged phones, I got his...she didn't like it when I answered and she quit calling. Your WH owes you full transparency and security..he doesn't owe it to anyone else. He show you his emails, gives you all the passwords, shows you the call log on the phone and on the bill, he pays for logs on the bill so he can prove that he is not making calls from THAT phone, He keeps you informed constantly of where he is, if he is running late, and why and for how long. He does everything possible to relieve you of the the stress of thinking that he is with her.
3rd: he started counseling with the chaplain at my hospital on day 3. He met with him once a week for 6 months, trying to determine why he did this. Why he put the M, me, and COM at risk.

We are over 3.5 years from dday, we are full NC. The OC is her child, not ours. That may sound mean, but we chose the least harm to the most. OC was going to be harmed regardless of what we did, I was not going to minimize that a little to cause a lot of pain to our COM. The OW's twins believe their dad is OWH. They have no reason to need to establish a different relationship with your WH except that he is being selfish and wants it.

Survival of the M can happen. But you have to set your boundaries, if it isn't one hundred percent what you want and need, then set him free. Let him sink on his own. Take care of yourself and COM and move forward. If your state allows the M to be dissolved due to adultery then don't give him 50%. You have to fight for what you want and need. He is still full A foggy, no matter what he wants you to believe. Protect yourself and your COM. If the OW files for CS before you do, your COM will have to get in line behind hers.

Good luck
I will check back when I can, I don't spend a lot of time here anymore but check in every week or so.

Fled

I'm back. I was on vacation with my H. It was bittersweet. We had a good time but I found a text that "things with me were tense and he loved her." I found it and told him I was leaving him, tried to catch a cab to the airport to fly standby the next flight out. He wouldn't let me go. He promised he would break up with her and never see the twins again. That lasted until the harsh light of day.

I told him over and over, go to her. Leave me and see what it's like without me. He says, "I am right here with you". (I am soo tired of hearing that I could puke.) He says he is here but then he admits he isn't sure that he might be happier with her. He says I obsess on talking this over all the time but it is the same conversation. It never goes anywhere because I want 100% of a husband and he only can give me 50% or even 80%. I deserve better than that. He says he doesn't want to upset our kids. Of course they are upset and know there is something going on....

It gets down to this: He has to stop telling her he loves her and really break up with her. He says he is "making progress" and I should appreciate that. Well, I do but how can he not be sure yet if he is going to be happiest with me or her? He says she is no threat to me so just let it be! How can she be no threat to me if he isn't sure which of us he would be happeist with????

He keeps on telling me it is my behavior that upsets things. He says I need to stop loooking at his texts because it upsets me and then the family!!! Well if you are saying or doing things that you know hurt and upset me, then don't say it right???? Then there is no problem if I look at his texts! Oh, and of course he deletes all of them, I only see a fraction he misses...

He says I am his main priority. Then he says he isn't sure. He actually sent her a message asking her not to text him anymore becasue it upset me. She even said OK. But he didn't tell me because he wasn't sure he could do that and if he sent her another message, and I found out that he violated the promise, I would be mad, so it was easiest not to tell me. ??? That was something he should want to tell me because it is progress right?

So yes, I have an appointment with the lawyers. He doesn't want me to go. He says we can work things out. I don't see there is anyting I need to work out, he is the one who needs to do the working out.

So, 3 months after he said he wants to stay with me, he isn't sure. He says he won't allow me to limit access to the kids! She doesn't want CS. (yeah right) I think he doesn't want to break up with her because she will take access to the kids away from him. That is really her ace in the hole. He loves kids and especially his kids.

But no one understands me either, he is a loving father. He is a loving affectionate husband. Sex is now great and we are closer than we have ever been. He does tell me everywhere he goes (I think). But he can't cut the umbilical cord...

But I know I deserve a man who is 100% devoted to me. The sex can be good with others, the affection can be good with others too.

So, I wish he could pull his head out of his a$$. Eery once in a while I see it. Just enough to keep me stringing along...

I want off the roller coaster. Don't care whether it's on his side or not. Just want off....

There's that saying 'if you love someone let them go, if they love you they will come back' something along those lines but you catch my drift. He is playing with you and the OW....he is the one that has done wrong not you, he either follows your rules to save the marriage NOW or hes GONE. You must be strong...you do not deserve to be walked all over like this...what example is this for your family? It is ok to be treated like this? Make sure you keep that appointment with the solicitor. Your H sees the OW so she won't stop him seeing his kids, he then goes to the OW and says he stays with the wife so she doesn't stop him seeing his kids. He is a selfish man. Please put yourself first. You've had some good advice from previous posters but your H is not working with you, he's working for himself to get exactly what he wants when he wants it. He has not done one thing to try regain your trust, deleted messages? still contacting OW? still seeing her? this is even more disrespectful than the A itself because now you know and he's STILL doing it. Yes it is hard starting life again and seperating from some one you love but you deserve to be with someone who treats you so much better. This situation will bring you nothing but heart break. If i were you I would say NC with OW, DNA tests for OCs, legally established contact with OCs and change of phone number for your H with an itemed bill then if you catch him out again good riddance to bad rubbish. I hope you get the situation unnder control soon (((hugs))) x

The answer to your title question is: NO, it will never work as "friends".

Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

Repeat:

Actions speak louder than words.

His actions tell you loud and clear where you stand. His words are candy in the steaming pile of manure he's dumped on you.

Your description of him constantly blaming you and worrying about what OTHERS think (as if you are a reflection of HIS image) points to him being clinically narcassistic.

It's all unhealthy and the kids know it. They deserve more honesty. I hope you can afford yourself and the kids counseling.

You've gotten some good advice. Save your sanity while you still have some life left to enjoy (with or without him!!).

Jenny--recently divorced 10 years after OC was born. I listened to his 'words' for tooooo long. He was always a player/cake-eater.

Step one:

Full, absolute NC between Wh and OW. No texts, no calls, no emails, no nothing. Full transparency. He created this mess, now he has to decide if he wants to save the family he vowed to protect and take care of, or if the other one, that isn't really his is more important. He can't have both.

Step two:

If he fulfills step one, DNA tests and file for visitation legally. He does not need to have C with OW or even see her to have visitation if they are his kids and he takes the legal route. This being said. If you do not file for CS before she does her OC will get more money from him than you and your COM will. There fore, check with your attorney about a separation and file for CS for your COM.

He has to decide. You, Your M, Your Family, Your COM, or betray all of you to keep the OC. You didn't make the mistakes, he did and these are some of the consequences of them. If the kids hurt because you hurt because you read a message he shouldn't have sent, then HE did it. It is not for you to be lied to to prevent hurt to you, it is for him to do the right thing and have no reason for you to be hurt, or to wonder if he is lying to you.

Fled

quote********I want off the roller coaster*******

then step off.

muster up your inner strength and push him away so you can pull yourself to shore.

he is drowning you.

it was said earlier that if you love something set it free, yada, yada, yada. this is as sure as the sun comes up.

this man doesn't love you, he loves himself. period.

let me try and give you an insight to his mindset. you say the sex is better then it has been fir some time.

prior to marriage i was the type of guy that if a woman had two legs (and they didn't both have to work) i was chasing her like nobody's business. and yes i had gf's at the same time.

the sex was always good as it was exciting going from one to the other.

that's just how us dog's (men) are.

trust me the sex will be great for you also if when you meet the man who will treat you like you deserve.

stop feeding allowing him to blame you for his dimwitted actions. hsi choice to bed ow had nothing to do with you wanting to set boundaries. it has only to do with him taking responsibility for of his own actions.

you have recieved some great advice. listen closely to what the ladies have told you about filing for separation and cs.

i have seen this first hand. my w's om pays cs for our oc. he later D'd his w and her cs was much less. reason 1 was she made more $ then my w and reason 2 was he was already committed legally to pay so much of his income.

your h seems to be quite the saleman (read BU!!S#!T artist). he knows what to say to manipulate you into his way of thinking.

so here's my suggestion. go out and secure a place for you and your kids. say NOTHING to your h about this. then when he leaves the house pack your bags and leave. leave no address. he will have your cell # if he needs it.

have your attorney contact him and state your intentions and your boundaries.

i know it isn't the right thing but i sure would like to see the look on his face should you tell him YOU have another lover and can't make up your mind who you want to live with.

i had a guy working for me that was cheating on his w all th etime. he told me that he was going out 1 friday night. i aksed what time he was leaving because i wanted to go over and knock it out with his w. i told him exactly what i wanted to do with her and that i would treat her very nice.

he got pissed and started blabbing something about respect. i told him if it was good for him it was good for her and good for me also.

he stopped cheating

anyhow pull, you are a strong woman and you need to stand up for yourself and your kids.

and for the record your h is not a good father. he's a dips#!t. agood father shows with his actions how to love and RESPECT his w.

Do you want your son to grow up and do this to HIS wife? He will, unless you kick your husband out - NOW. Children do exactly what their parents do unless that activity is called out for what it is (by kicking him out).

Do you want your daughter to believe she has to put up with a man who runs two different lives the whole time she is married to that man? She WILL unless you kick your husband out.

Kicking him out, after an affair that has lasted this long, is the ONLY way he will ever choose you guys over his double life. The ONLY way is if he no longer has access to your life. The ONLY way.

All this other mumbo jumbo you're speaking is just that - ineffective wishing and wanting that do NOTHING to make your H think that he has to take action and end the affair.

Quit making excuses. Call his parents and your parents and this other woman's family. This week. Tell them all what they have been doing. Ask for their support in getting your husband back.

You HAVE to expose the affair, or it will never end.

But KICK HIM OUT! NOW!

He can always come back, but he'll never stop the affair unless you do this.

A decent marriage WILL NOT exist if your husband remains friends with the posow.

Thanks everyone for your support.

Well, I made the appointment with the attorney. He asked me not to go, said we would work it out and didn't want to spend the money!!!

I kept the appointment last Tuesday. I wrote him a letter telling him to establish "no contact" except communication about kids. All phone calls were to take place with me present except brief calls to arrange logistics on child visitation days. No texting, no other phone calls and to let me know when he calls her. All communication by email needs to be saved for me and only communication about the kids is allowed. I gave him until Saturday to do it.

Funnny thing, he was seeing a counselor who told him that he needed to have no contact with the OW for the marriage to survive too. He just stopped seeing the counselor.

He didn't do it then(he said he thought we were just going to talk about it Saturday!) I looked back in my journal and I have been telling him this since October! I told him that I did talk to the attorney and I was ready to file divorce if he didn't fix this. I had a division of property and child custody plan all written out for him. He put his head down on the table and said ok I'll do it. I told him he needed to do it because he wanted to do it to save the marriage, not just because I said he had to do it. 48 hours later, last night he did write her a letter after I told him it had been long enough. I told him he was putting it off and he is afraid of hurting her feelings but he is just hurting mine.

I haven't seen the letter and I don't know what he said. he has been so wishy washy all along, I am skeptical. Tonight he is taking our daughter to a concert out of town so I don't have a chance to really talk about it. Last night he wasn't talking and we worked today.

I am glad he is trying. I feel like he is holding back though. The last message I saw which he sent her was definatly telling his honey how tense it was for us and that he loved her and missed her. He is stringing her on for sure. I can't imagine why she would put up with this crap either. But she is married to one man (who has moved back in with her) and has a boyfriend so who knows what she really is all about.

I think he finally knows I am serious about this. I am not going to put up with this anymore. I've lost 30 pounds, I can't concentrate at work, this is crazy. I think our kids will be fine either way. I'm sure they would rather not have the stress at home.

So, I know I need to find out what was in the letter. I know he needs to show me that he can be there for me. He doesn't get it that he needs to reach out to me. As I read this I know I am giving him way too much slack. I will keep you posted. But I at least have my eyes open and I'm not afraid to divorce him.

good for you. setting your boundaries is a great thing. you still are a bit soft on him tho but you are getting there.

please read """"""""""He put his head down on the table and said ok I'll do it."""""""""" is his way of saying he isn't thinking of you a bit.

be very careful with his actions and words. he is a masterful manipulator and a true weeny.

since october? you are a strong woman. 30 lbs is a lot of weight to lose for a person that was in good shape prior to all this. make sure you take care of your health.

i lost 45 lbs when my w went awol. but i far from being in decent shape at the time.

He finally wrote her a letter of no contact Tuesday. I thought he sent it. I told him he needed to send me a copy of it but he didn't. I found it on his computer anyway (it's half mine-community property state-right?) I was wishy washy and said they would remain friends! I told him that was no good.

Well, he hadn't sent it anyway.

Thursday I found a phone she had given him to call and text her with complete with pictures of her boobs and address of an apartment they were looking at and seductive messages. We had an honest conversation. I told him he needed to stop talking to her, period. I gave him until Friday night to send he the letter of no contact. Well he hasn't but he gave back her phone.

I made him sleep in the guest house and I took the kids out without him to show him what being divorced would be like.

I think he needs to formally write her and state no contact, more to convince himself than anything.

But he asked me not to go to the attorney.

I think I am going to write her. He won't leave, I've asked him to leave, I've tried to throw him out. I've tried to drive him out by being mean and nasty (sometimes on purpose.) He won't go. I can't imagine how she must feel thinking everytime he breaks up with her a few days later he comes back to her. She is sweet and flirty and thinks he will go to her but doesn't. If he doesn't have the balls to leave maybe she will see the light. (I doubt it, but it's a thought.)

I read a lot of places that trying to keep the marriage together is best. But he is such a manipulative liar. But I think he does want to stay married. He knows he needs to stop being with her to do that. He is just addicted to her ego stroking. I surely won't send him 20 seductive text messages a day. No one else will and I guarantee once she is married to him, she won't either!

i have a deep feeling that your will never stop his relationship with ow. he is in way to deep with her. kicking him into th eguest house is good but just the start.

don't listen to his miserable reasons about you not seeing an attorney. do it and do it NOW. he is just trying to talk you out of it so he can stall and try to figure some other way to squirm out of this mess he has created.

and one night out with the kids won't teach this nitwit a thing. he has obviously spent many nights away from them and it hasn't phased him yet.

go to the attorney , seek a legal separation, have him removed from the house, have it ordered that he provide you with spousal support and have yourself named as the sole legal and custodial parent to YOUR kids.

then let him decide what he wants. it will force him to take real action and not just give you his lip service.

You were right. Yesterday after giving him deadlines (a week ago, Friday night at 10, yesterday at 6 pm)still no letter to her of no contact. We exchanged a bunch of texts but the final straw was when he said he refused to be held to some restictive ultimatum regarding not being able to see his kids with OW. I said well, you had 3 months to show me that keeping your relationship to just "the kids" failed miserably, you were looking for a new apartment becasuse you hadn't "been with" her so long and she bought you a phone so you could hide the seductive messages she was sending you.

I told him to have a nice life. Then he said "I'll send the email tonight." Not good enough. When he came home I threw him out. I though my son was going to push him out the door.

Then this morning he said I destroyed his relationship with his son because I had anger issues! I told him it was his choice to continue his affair and he had 6 months to fix it and he still was trying to decide! Yesterday he was writing up a list of pros and cons and was "pretty sure" he was going to stay with me...

His parents said he will get no sympathy from them. His brother called me and said he was supportive of me and that if my H had any balls he would have left when I asked not when I had to throw him out. Oh, and if I needed it he would come out here and throw his brother out for me. (We are 2000 miles apart.)

Oh, and now he say he wants to stay married and spend the rest of his life making me happy, he wants to stay married to me... I told him he should have said that yesterday. He agreed to that at least. Everyone thinks I should have thrown him out months ago.

I still waiver. But I just can't trust him.