"WHAT ABOUT TIME ALONE?"
Dear Dr. Harley,
You recommend spending a minimum of 15 hours per week with your partner. But what if one of your partner's needs is having time to themselves? Wouldn't this make your time together more difficult to achieve when both parties have a busy work schedule?
Just for clarification, "alone time" means that one partner is away from the home for a minimum of four - eight hours a week.
Do any of your books or articles deal with this particular issue? Time alone at the expense of time together seems intuitively counter productive to a relationship. However, it might build a level of desire for the other partner (“absence makes the heart grow fonder”).
Any thoughts concerning this issue would be most appreciated.
L. R.
Dear L. R.
I’ve found that it’s almost impossible to create and sustain a romantic relationship without spending 15 hours a week meeting the emotional needs of affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment. I’ve studied this issue by investigating the habits of thousands of couples, and with very few exceptions, my 15 hour rule holds up.
Granted, there are many who want time by themselves, and I have no problem with that. But if a romantic relationship is to be achieved, 15 hours of undivided attention each week is necessary. There’s no reason why a couple, even with a busy schedule, can’t do both.
The problem most couples have with this rule isn’t that they don’t have the time, but rather, that they have fallen out of love. They don’t enjoy intimate time together. When not in love, being affectionate, intimately conversant, and engaging in lovemaking just doesn’t seem right for many people who are not in love.
The program I offer for marital recovery requires a couple to spend 15 hours each week meeting intimate emotional needs, even when it feels awkward at first. That’s because the meeting of those needs usually deposits enough love units to bring Love Bank balances above the romantic love threshold. When that happens, a couple finds themselves wanting to spend 15 hours together each week meeting those emotional needs.
Truth is, you have time to meet each other’s emotional needs if you remove something from your schedule that’s less important. There are 168 hours in a week, 56 of which should be spent sleeping. Getting up in the morning, taking a shower, having breakfast, and getting ready for bed in the evening usually takes about 12 hours a week for women, and 7 hours for men. Depending on your gender, you have either 100 or 105 hours remaining. Work, including travel to and from, should not take more than 50 hours a week, leaving 50-55 hours. If 15 hours for undivided attention is scheduled in those hours, you still have 35-40 hours left each week. That’s plenty of time for children, household tasks, church, hobbies, and, yes, “alone time.” Workaholics can even increase their time at work using some of those extra hours, and still avoid missing out on having a romantic marriage.
As I already mentioned, the problem isn’t time – it’s the willingness to spend the time creating and sustaining a romantic relationship. I’ve been married 45 years and throughout those years, Joyce and I have been in love each year. The only way that could have been achieved is for us to have dedicated a minimum of 15 hours a week for undivided attention. When I was in graduate school, and working full-time to support my family, I made sure that we had time together. When I operated 32 mental health clinics, and often worked 80 hours a week, we didn’t neglect our time together. In those situations, I really didn’t have the luxury of having “alone time,” but then, I really didn’t miss it. My time with Joyce was far more enjoyable and relaxing than time I would have spent being by myself.
That’s what most people feel when they are in a romantic relationship: If they have a choice between being with the one they love, or being by themselves, they choose the one they love almost every time.
Your situation may require a renewal of your love for each other. You may find that, for awhile, you should simply schedule 15 hours together so that you have an opportunity to make enough Love Bank deposits to break through the romantic love threshold. If you do it right, it will become the most enjoyable 15 hours of your week for both of you. Then, the need to be alone may no longer be an issue.
