...and NO, I'm not talking about the "you had me at hello..." line.

I'm talking about the paradigm shift Jerry experiences at the movie's opening. When he questions everything about his industry and puts his ideas for change out there.

Granted, we here are not discussing the ins and outs of business, customer service, or anything that simple. We are discussing marriage, relationships, family and...pause, deep breath, infidelity.

Talk about your paradigm shift.

- Where were you in your life, your relationship, your mental state of being?
- What "shifted you"? (we know the easy answer, but dig deeper, go beyond "my WS had an A...").
- How have you changed?
- How will this effect you in the coming months, years, decades...?
- Got more questions...throw them out there

I've been pondering this question for a while now. But I will save my answer for a little later...

So that's the question of the day. What is your "Jerry McGuire" moment?

Hi DNUI,

Don't think I have posted to you before but you ask an intriguing set of questions. Not sure which direction you want to go but I'll throw out a few thoughts:

I'm getting some ideas down...but it might take a while to bring them to a coherent statment.

It is coming...soon.

This is a topic I like to write about.

My "paradigm shift" occurred just about four years and two weeks ago, in mid-January 2005.

- Where were you in your life, your relationship, your mental state of being?

Up to that point, my life was cruising along. I had a job that I liked okay - it was interesting and not too taxing, comfortable would be the right word. I had a hobby that occupied most of my attention and was a lot of fun. Or at least, it was mostly a lot of fun, but sometimes it kind of left me a little empty inside. I had kids that I enjoyed playing with and a wife I liked. We had been fighting for a long time, but we weren't fighting much anymore, so things must be getting better, right? And yeah, we didn't really do much together, and we didn't make love very often, but one of these days things would turn around. In the meantime, she pretty much left me alone to do my hobby, which was good. Our finances weren't that great, but we were almost finished with a year-long repayment plan to get caught up on our mortgage, and that was an achievement, I thought.

- What "shifted you"? (we know the easy answer, but dig deeper, go beyond "my WS had an A...").

My wife's father had recently passed away. They'd never been close - he abandoned their family when she was a baby - but she and her brother were the only next-of-kin and had to deal with everything. They'd flown out to his city to start the ball rolling before Christmas, and then come back. I was helping her out, a little. I'd found an attorney for them. So, when my wife had a question about something the attorney had written, she showed me the email. She had forgotten that the email had come to her secret personal account that she'd never told me about.

I was curious, and wanted to know just how she spoke about me to her friends. And I was curious to know who she might be talking to. So, I tried to log into her email account. I guessed the password on my first try, and I was in! So, I started reading what she had been writing.

I found out more than I bargained for. I found out she hated me. I found out that, far from things getting better... it appeared she was getting ready to divorce me! She complained about me to her friends and brother, bringing up specific things that I did and that I failed to do. I recognized the specific events she referred to, although I'd had "my side of the story". I also saw that she was emailing an ex-boyfriend (who I knew she spoke to on the phone), although I couldn't find any replies from him and so only saw 1/2 the conversation - but it was alarming and hinted at a possible affair, or at least contemplation of an affair.

My paradigm shift occured within the space of a minute. I had a swarm of thoughts, including "I'm not as bad as she says" and "what about MY side of the story" - but I knew almost immediately that it didn't matter if I was as bad as she said or not, and that "my side of the story" didn't matter either. I knew right away that she had a lot of valid complaints, and I knew that I could argue all I wanted, but if she wanted to leave, there was no way I could stop her.

I had to take a walk to clear my head, and on that walk everything was upside down. My wife... hated me? There went the idea that things were getting better. My hobby? Irrelevant, a waste of time, and I could clearly see now that it was a major stumbling block for her, the source of a lot of anger on her side, and a reason for her to lose a lot of respect for me. We didn't make love as often as I liked? Given how I now knew she felt, I had to wonder why we ever did at all. My wife's innocent friendship with her ex-boyfriend? Not so innocent, it looked like.

What a mess. How could I ever set things right? Did I want her to leave? NO - I knew at that time that I'd be devastated if she left me. But what could I do about it?

I remember coming up with a plan. I remember thinking I had a "road map", because I saw specific complaints she had. I never talked to her? I needed to talk to her... and I needed to listen. I spent all my time on my stupid hobby? Goodby, hobby, at least for the next six months. I never helped out around the house? I needed to start doing everything I could, and not complain about it either. She hated when I lied about our finances? No more... no matter how badly the truth made me look, and no matter how much I was wired to cover up my mistakes (part of being an INFP), I HAD to be honest with her.

I didn't know if all of this would work, but I had to try. It had to work - after all, she fell in love with me once, right? But when she did, she didn't have 10 years of built-up resentments to contend with. But what else could I do? I HAD to try.

And everything else... my hobby, especially... was irrelevant.


- How have you changed?

To save my marriage, I started putting my wife first. My top priority, above my hobby, above my comfort.

I have since discovered the benefits of putting my wife as my top priority. In the Bad Old Days, my top priority was my own comfort and entertainment. That left my wife frustrated and unhappy, my kids without a strong and effective father, and myself feeling empty and bored most of the time.

Putting my wife first... and unleashing my Giver instead of my Taker... has turned our marriage and our family upside down. My wife is secure and happy... and blooming, taking on new challenges (like getting her driver's license at age 44), and effectively able to handle stressful situations. My kids have a strong father in their lives, and we are able to address issues with them in a timely and effective manner.

And myself? I am not empty and bored. I am happy, I am taking on new challenges myself, and I am feeling like my real life has finally begun. My career has taken off as I've listened to my wife and changed jobs, taking a job that was a stretch for me instead of a comfortable sinecure. I've recognized the old hobby as the millstone it was, and with my wife's encouragement, I've freed myself from it.

And my interests have changed, too. In the past, I was passionate about politics, and when I did talk to my wife, I bored her to death with my diatribes. Now... my beliefs are the same... but the passion has been redirected. That's had a curious effect on my wife, who used to be indifferent to politics, but who now is feeling free to express her own views, confident that I will respect them and not dismiss or belittle them.

And here is a key observation I've made. In the past, I was content to drift along the river, let life take me where it may. Now... with the right kind of relationship with my wife... I am focused. I am able to apply my talents and my skills toward making a better life for us. She focused me... because I am willing now to listen to her, to take her seriously, and to take her advice. My personality is strong at a lot of things, but focus/direction is not one of them... but my wife IS strong in that area, and we complement each other that way. In fact, we are very complementary for one another, and I recognize now that the wisest decision I ever made was when I decided to propose to my wife, although I didn't realize it at the time.


- How will this effect you in the coming months, years, decades...?

It's been four years, and I still feel very much "in love" with my wife. I still have a lot of growing to do in my career and in my personal development, and I am confident that I will continue to do so rather than drift along. I have kids who are growing older and I am confident that my wife and I will continue to help guide them on the path to adulthood.

And I have a marriage I'd always dreamt of... one where we continue to draw closer together... where the challenges and stresses of life bring out the best in us, rather than the worst, and where our response is to cleave together rather than pull apart. Our marriage has changed and grown a lot in the past 4 years, and I can see it changing and growing right now as we redefine and refine our respective roles.

And, freed from the time sink that was my hobby, I can see myself developing a talent that I had that was wasted. I can see putting this talent to use in a way that can help others in years to come.


[edited to add]: I didn't make it clear when I posted this, but my wife's unhappiness did not lead to a full-blown affair, although I had no way of knowing that at the moment of "paradigm shift". From what I could tell, it looked like she might have had an A or might have contemplated one at one time. And, as it turned out, she did at least contemplate it, and at one point she felt she was falling in love with ex-bf... but she never told him how she felt, and a combination of his love-busting and her level-headedness blew away enough of the fog that she quickly got over those feelings... and later, when ex-bf proposed an affair, she turned him down.

From my perspective, she skirted the edges... and she came close... but she was able to pull back enough that when I got my wake-up call, she was not emotionally entangled with him and was able to be receptive to my changes.

My story could have been very, very different...

Wow CC.

Thank you for taking the time to write that out. I am going to read that again, it is rather inspiring to me.

Sorry if this is a TJ, but did you ever tell your W that you had read her email or did you keep it to yourself and begin to make the changes on your own without telling her why?

Thanks, sickwithworry.


At first, I kept it to myself. I figured that if I told her I'd read her email up front, she'd change her password, plus it would force the issue. She hadn't mentioned it yet, and I did not want to bring up the idea of divorce - we had a couple of months before my wife was to inherit the money from her father's estate, which would have given her the wherewithal to leave me. I figured I needed all that time to show her I'd changed and that I could be the husband she needed.

I didn't tell her I was going to make changes either, because I'd made promises in the past and not kept them. I figured talk was cheap, and the only way I might possibly turn things around was to SHOW her, not TELL her.

She responded to my changes very quickly - which was further evidence she was not having an A. It wasn't until after I had implemented my plan that I discovered MB, but I was very taken with all the concepts, especially Radical Honesty. I knew I had to be honest with her in future, because Honesty was one of her ENs and dishonesty was one of my biggest LoveBusters.

So, after we were pretty much reconciled and in love with each other again... she started to wonder about why I had changed. Was it because she was about to inherit money? She asked me outright one night.

I knew this was a moment of truth, and although I was very scared to "rock the boat" - things had been going so well - I told her the truth. I told her I'd read her email, and that I'd known how she'd felt. Now, she'd told me over the preceding days how she'd felt - how she'd been at the end of her rope, etc. And nothing she'd told me conflicted with her emails. But now I confessed to her that I'd snooped and that I knew.

I also told her, regarding the money issue... that it did have an affect on what I'd done. The reason was because her inheritance would give her the opportunity to leave, and so that put a deadline on the whole situation - it made it an urgent priority for me to change NOW, because I knew I didn't have much time left.

Now, after I confessed, I closed my eyes and waited for the fireworks... but they never came. I expected her to be angry for my violation of her privacy... but she wasn't. Not at all. Nor did she bother to change her email password. To this day, she uses that account, but will often ask me to check it for her.

(I will admit that I was very shaken up by the whole situation for about 6 months, and I did check on the PC to make sure she did not open a new email account... and she never did.)

I think the fact that she was not upset about my snooping is another indicator there was no affair... and it stands in contrast to the WWs and WHs who get angry at the thought of snooping. My wife told me she'd had nothing to hide, or else she'd have chosen a different password.

CC, yes inspiring story! I wish I had "found" my wife's e-mail password about 6 months earlier...

If I had only known her true feelings I may have changed as you did. Maybe not, but I like to think I may have.

Strange how the people we love the most often have the most trouble "talking" to us.

I'm still contemplating my paradigm shift...might post tomorrow. Lots of BBall practices tonight and the WWs been home since noon, so we have been spending quality time together

THIS IS WHY I'M STILL AROUND...the thought provoking questions and responses make ME think.....

I would REALLY love to hear from the VETS on this.....I love hearing stories on how they have grown.....

Also, do you all think its possible for someone to have more than one "major" paradigm event/shift in their life???? (I'm thinking I have had two.....one is the A, of course, but the other occurred earlier and ACTUALLY, helped create an environment in our M that lead to an A being possible/probable......)

and if so, are you only wanting responses to the questions as they apply to the affairs in our sitches???

I'm still "chewing" on these.....so I will answer a bit later...

not2fun

not2fun: write what ever you see fit. Affair or not affair related. Give us some words of wisdom to live by. Or at least to ponder...

I'm still chewing on this..but the jist of my "paradigm shift" centers around one's self determination. Kind of a nature vs. nurture thing. Are we really in control of ourselves, or are we just lemings, highly influenced by our surroundings, the people around us, our feelings, met or unmet ENs, etc.

When I look at threads here and see commonalities, I begin to wonder just what makes us tick. And when Harley himself says (I'm paraphrasing) given the right circumstances we are ALL going to cheat (?).

I've long argued against such sweeping generalizations. No one is in control of me but ME! And the same should hold true for all of us. But my WWs actions, my actions and actions of people on this forum have lead me to that paradigm shift.

I won't tip my hand any more...this might take me a few days to forumlate my argument

It's not as easy as I thought when I started this thread...