Hello everyone. This is my first post. I have been reading this forum non-stop since I discovered it, and it has helped me deal with the craziness my life has just become, and I thank everyone for that. Your help is greatly appreciated, as I do not know what to do YET.

My story:
I have been suspicious that something was going on for a while. It was hard to understand what at first because I thought WW was happy.

Here's a little background before I get into it all: As a precursor, I know we are young, but I need to know that I did all I could. BS(me)-23, WW-23. We met in high school, and it has been the fairytale/perfect life. We were together for 6.5 years prior to the wedding, and we had very few huge fights, never much unhappiness, which makes this situation all the more difficult. We were married May 2008. I moved out of my place prior to the wedding to live with her parents temporarily so we could save up money for our own place. We bought a place in August, and at a time where we should have been our happiest, she was not. It was not apparent at first, but it became more and more noticable. I attribute this unhappiness to her leaving her parents for the first time ever. To get away she took a trip with her co-worker out of town.

This is when the A started. She was at a party with her friend, her uncle, and an employee of her uncle(OM), and they got really drunk. She said she just kissed him here (maybe that's the truth). I don't know exact dates and infidelities, but I will get to that later. Eventhough it had already been physical, the EA started now. OM's marriage was on the rocks for years, and they connected emotionally. Over the next months, she became infatuated with him and the idea of this NEW feeling. I unfortunately had the displeasure of being subjected to spending time with OM because that was the only way they could see eachother due to the long-distance without me catching on. So over the course of a few trips we all got to know and spend time with eachother, with them hardly getting any alone time. Which is what made that alone time so much more exciting for them.

Back to D-day(2-2) and exposure(2-3):
This past weekend, OM took a trip out here. Before the trip I had no knowledge of their relationship (WE ALL we jut friends at this point in my head). But they were sloppy. She let her affection show too much and I was alerted immediately. She wouldn't be affectionate to me in front of him. They had sex at least twice this weekend (she has admitted to just 3 times total).

When OM left(Monday morning), she continued the non-affectionate behavior. So that night I accessed the phone bills while she was still at work. MB would have helped me with this step, but I had not found it yet. She was talking to a number I didn't know every lunch break and while I was still at work. I confronted her about the number and she showed me in her phone that it was one of her best-friends (CA area code though and shes in DC). She got furious and proceeded to pack a bag and left for her parents claiming that I don't respect her privacy, she can't take the monitoring, etc.

I didn't sleep that night, because I spent the whole night making my case. I found out dates, did reverse phone searches, and confirmed my suspicions about OM. I went to her parents the next morning, and talked to them first before she woke up (they had known since December, and so had 3 or her friends) and then came WW's time. After initially lying, until I brought the evidence, the first words out of her mouth were "I'm in love with OM." I was devastated, but I never yelled at her and never swore. Then came the "fog" speak, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." She confessed their EP at this point, why it happened, etc. She never blamed me and said that I deserve better than her. After we talked for hours, I left and sought any emotional support I could find (thankfully her parents and friends were fighting for me the whole time, showing enourmous disgust for WW's behavior. It wasn't until later in the day (over the phone) that she confessed to sleeping with him. I hung up the phone and have not talked to her since (although she tries to text me).

Today, I broke down and called the OM. I wrote out a list of things I wanted to say before because I knew I wouldn't be able to get through it. We were both a mess, and I truly believe he is remorseful. He agreed that in the best interest of her, he would not contact and would not acknowledge contact beyond telling her that he couldn't be there emotionally for her right now, so she can sort things out herself.

If you stuck in there this long I thank you, because now here are the quesitons:

1. She seems to want an immediate resolution on the matter. Where I stand, what I think, etc. She has told her friends repeatedly that she doesn't want to be married and its not what she thought is was going to be (she has never dealt with change well) I have ordered Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs since they weren't available anywhere in town, but how and how soon should I talk to her without having the arsenal of information I need to make a logicl decision? If I shut her out now, when they aren't talking (presumed) I could be missing valuable time and drive her further to him when they start talking again.

2. Should I tell the OMW? She said during our first conversation that SHE would leave me if I told because he would lose his livelihood since OMW works for her uncle too and has been with him from the start of the business. And he would fire him because of his infidelity. And she has continued to ask me through text if I am going to tell her.


Again thank you if you even made it this far, I know its long, but this is the first time I have written it all down since Monday. Thank you in advance for your support.

DazednConfused

Good Morning Dazed,

I am so sorry that you find yourself here but it is a very good place to be considering the circumstances. We have all unfortunately been there done that. The pros will be along soon to help you to devise a plan and walk you through it.

Yes, you should tell OMs wife. It is the on;y way to put an end to the fantasy of their A. She also deserves to know. Unfortunately,you have already alerted them to the fact that exposure is a possibility. That gives them time to paint you as a jealous, abusive nutball. Tell her today. Also, tell her Uncle. She will be furious. She will tell you that your M may have had a chance if you hadn't told her but the truth is that e has a chance until she knows. She can help you to monitor NC.

Also, don't be surprised if you are told here to cut your losses and end the M. Infidelity in the "honeymoon" stage of a M does not bode well for success of that M.

Know you are not alone.

God's Blessings,

Say

When I tell OMW and her uncle, there is no telling what will happen. I face a major conflict because yes, she may stick with it if I did not tell, and I would feel enormously selfish and guilty if I didn't make OMW aware. But even if NC was established, which I can't see right now because it is way too early, there is no way it could stick.

On the other end, as much as I despise OM right now, it is hard for me to think that I could be harming another person's well-being. I know that last thing on my mind should be anyone else's feelings but my own and my WW and my M as a whole.

I do understand the gravity that this happened so early into the marriage, and I really need guidance here because I love her to my very core. We literally grew up and grew in love over the 6 years before the marriage. And I cannot get over the connection we had before she went crazy.

Do not tell her anything. Do not!

1. Tell her that you are concerned about your marriage and that that you will try to save it. That's all.

2. Tell OMW everything. She is in exactly the same position you were before you found out. We can tell you that WW will be highly upset will you when you do. We expect this. If you don't, the marriage is over anyway.

Announce to appropriate friends that you are determined to save your marriage and ask them to apply any influence they can. Ask them for advise - get them on your side.

Read under the red column of Q&A for Plan A and Plan B.

You are NOT harming him. He did that when he slept with your wife. Be as concerned about his feelings as he was about yours when he willfully deceived you and flaunted it in your face. Forgiveness may come at a later date but now your only concern must be your M if you truly love your W and want your M.

God's Blessings,

Say

Here's my P.O.V.

1. TELL THE OMW... TODAY. What your WW basically did was to "buy time" for the OM to spin his own version of the story to the OMW - don't be surprised if the OMW thinks you're some sort of lunatic jealous H only out to hurt her: because that's likely the story that the OM spun to her.

2. End the M. Seriously. You're both in your early 20's, there are no children (and likely no joint property) involved, you've suffered through infidelity in the first year of your M and your WW has made it clear she does not want to be M'd to you. Take this opportunity now and walk away, rather than stick around for more misery. You deserve better.

How do I tell her? I don't have a way to contact her. He stays home, and is probably monitoring the phone, and I don't have a cell number for her.

The only way to do it would be to call the uncle first (who I also don't have the number for) I would have to get this from her parents, who may or may not give it to me, and if they do, may tell WW and tip her off and then I could lose my credibility if they are desperate and have time to conspire.

I thought you knew where they work?

Listen, people can be very resourceful when they want to be. I know you can find a way to contact her, even if it means finding her address and driving there yourself to speak to her face to face.

And in regard to the not wanting to be married to me. I think she is repulsed by the thought of being with me because of what she did. 2 weeks prior to D-day, she bought me a valentine's day card that she didn't fill out yet and left behind when she escaped reality at her parents'. I found this today. Though I don't consider this a sure sign of anything, it was still nice to think that "the aliens" don't have her entirely and there is a flicker of hope.

Cover: You're Still the One xoxo
Contents:
We laugh. We flirt.
We love.
We make out and make up.
We drive each other crazy-
keep each other sane.
We hold each other tight
and hold each other together.
We're each better
because of the other.

I love you
and I'll always love being your wife.

DNC10 - I think she does not want to remain with you because she no longer has those "in love" feelings for you. And it's clear that she does not take the vows seriously. Walk away from this.

And I already know that she isn't in love with me anymore. Like I said earlier, she told me this flat out, it vanished when she fell for him.

I must gain the courage to expose the A fully. They all (OM, OMW, and uncle) live and work 300 miles away, in a business that only has about 10 employees and is secretive "advertising", so I don't think I will be able to find a number. Any other ideas?

You're 23 no children.

Your wife cheated on you UNDER YOUR NOSE months into your marriage.

You chose your spouse poorly. She has serious character flaws.

Her parents, family and friends knew it was happening (now you know where her character comes from) and hid it from you.

RUN DON'T WALK!!!!!

Dump her, move on!!

Oh good grief - if it comes to that, take a drive, take a flight, just go there to the business, walk in, ask for OMW and inform her.

You know the uncle's name? Check the phone book for his number. Ask him for contact information for his business. Then call during office hours and ask to speak to OMW.

...and they did this by keeping her A a secret from you for three months, and giving her a place to stay when she left you?

Her parents are conflict avoiders and appeasers, and by keeping the A secret from you for so long, they certainly are NOT on your side. Don't be surprised if they showed an entirely different side once they know you're not looking.

My advice remains the same - walk away from this.

Dazed,

Even if you decide to leave the M, the OMW needs to know what happened. Send her a registered letter that she(and she alone) has to sign for.

If you know his full name(I assume you do) you can look up his address by searching for property and title records in his county of residence. You can also search tax records on the county auditors website. Hopefully, he owns his home. That's how I found OW address. WH didn't even have it!

Shenle

OK- my two cents.

I also think you should end your M. You are in for a life time of heartache if you stay with this woman.

HOWEVER

It is clear you do not want to end your M. So, with that in mind, you need to take some drastic measures to save your M.

1. EXPOSE TO OMW. Today. No warning. OF COURSE your W doesnt want to to expose. If you dont, she can continue her A w OM. In my own case, the OW's H found out months before me. OW convinced her H not to tell me. Guess what? The A continued for months and ended THE DAY I found out. As far as you harming another persons well being? You are DEFENDING yourself and YOUR marriage from someone who attacked it. If you were physically attacked on the street, would you not defend yourself or would you be worried about "harming another person"?

Exposure will piss your wife off royally. She will say things like "Well, we mightve had a chance but now YOUVE ruined it" Listen to what I say. This is fog speak. ALL waywards say this. What she is reall y angry about is that youve ended her fun. If she says this simply respond along the lines of "I love you and Im going to fight for our marriage. Im not going to protect you fromt eh consequences of your affair and this is one of them"

Once exposure is done - we can talk about the next steps.

GO DO IT. NOW.

Don't have time.

So to the point expose uncle, OMW.

Call, drive there, do what you have to do.

It may be best to then go plan D. Your young, no very young and there are no kids. WW did this at the start of yor marriage. She is not healthy to do this.

I have committed myself mentally to do this TODAY.

Once I tell OMW and uncle, do I wait for her to come to me and rip my head off, or do I go to her? Is there a good thread on how to handle this?

This is what info I have:

OM: Address, home phone, cell phone, license plate
OMW: nothing
Uncle: Address, maybe home phone through reverse address search

The only thing I could possibly have on OMW is that I know where they bank, and I happen to work at that bank. I would be breaking company policy by invading their information for my own use and could lose my job if it was ever discovered, so I don't know if that's worth it.

If you know the OMW name, address, etc., send her a registered letter. She will have to sign for it.

Dazed,
Thats good that you have decided to expose to your uncle and OMW today. Who cares if he loses his job? Not your problem at all. I agree with many of the other posters that a woman who cheats months into the marriage is not worth the effort of recovery. Check my signature...my ex-wife cheated 6 months into my marriage. She begged for another chance, but then fought me every step of the way on recovery until she cheated again. Some people are just no good.

Just ask yourself what sort of man you want to be. Knowing what I know now, I would expose the affair everywhere in a heartbeat, let the chips fall where they may, and then allow her the opportunity to work towards forgiveness if she followed the plan. I.e. She gets on board or you continue without her.

As far as exposure goes, doesn't anyone in your family have your uncle's cell phone number? That should be simple to get. Call him and expose and either get the OMW's phone number from him or have him pass yours to her.

Best of luck.

Edit: Do NOT trust WW's family. They do not have your best interests at heart and its doubtful they are fighting for you. They kept her adultery from you a secret for months!! In my opinion, they are toxic too.