Would anyone care to tell my husband why contact with an old girlfriend is not OK?

Feel free to point out the obvious. He does not see a problem with it and thinks I am the one with the problem. He actually hid it from me at first because he "didn't know how to tell me and knew I would get all 'like this'". He has boundaries and isn't going to do anything, just has some unfinished business (his words).

LC (who is ready to be a MB drop-out because I am realizing it doesn't work if only one person learns it.)

DocP...Oh no, no, no, no, no, no...

Please take it from someone whose affair was with an ex-boyfriend...this situation is HIGHLY COMBUSTIBLE..."History" + "Newness" is a deadly combination for your marriage...

Add to that what Dr. Harley says regarding there always being a low-burning flame that can be reignited at any time, and there ya go...You are in NO MAN'S LAND...

If you were once attracted to this woman DocP that attraction will still be there...

And hiding this from LC? You know better...Secrets in a marriage kill intimacy...

If for no other reason than LC feels threatened and hurt by this, you must stop contact with your ex-girlfriend...We are never to be the source of each other's unhappiness, remember?

Please think about this...

Mrs. W

The fact that H felt the need to hide this lovely piece of info from you shows he has little boundaries, little integrity or both. What sort of "unfinished business" does he have to deal with concerning an exGF that life can't go on without resolving? :RollieEyes:

"unfinished business" was the exact excuse used by my H and OW #1 to start an affair.

What is up with S and their secret contact with exes?!!! This is exactly why my marriage is in trouble. It is NOT OK to keep secrets from your spouse! Ever!

Some great advice that was given to me. Omission is a lie.

Docp, I suggest you narrow your boundaries and STOP ALL CONTACT.

Docp,

You KNOW better!

Even if you have no intention of ever "doing anything"

Even if you KNOW you can control yourself

Even if you have BOUNDARIES

Even if you have "unfinished business"

You still need to protect your MARITAL boundaries and part of that is protecting LC. If SHE is uncomfortable with you contacting an ex, don't contact the ex.

Go ahead and tell me HOW and WHY you think that is not so...

I DARE ya!

You might be able to give justification but you'll never be able to JUSTIFY it...

And SECRET contact?

PLEASE! :twobyfour:

You've been on the other side of this. What were you THINKING?

Mark

That's just it, this contact with the ex girlfriend means that boundaries are NOT in place...

It is BEGGING for temptation to bite you in the butt...

Bad plan, very, very bad plan...

Mrs. W

NO NO NO NO NO!!!!

My FWH had an EA with his first love. She was newly married, lived in another state, and he started reminiscing with her about some of their sexual experiences, etc.

Come on, dude....you know better than this. What's more important - "unfinished business", or your WIFE?

:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE Love Buster!

This is INDEPENDENT BEHAVIOR!

This is DISHONEST!

This is NOT a HEALTHY BOUNDARY!

"Unfinished Business" - THIS IS A STUPID WAYWARD TYPE COMMENT!

I'm holding back what I really think though!!!!**[edit]**[edit]**

:twobyfour:

*edit due to use of profanity describing my real thoughts

DocP

Read this very slowly several times so you can catch all the nuance and subtle, underlying messages of what I'm about to say:

THIS IS RISKY, INCONSIDERATE AND SELFISH! THIS IS NOT OK! OK?

Our lives have been a living hell for the past 13 months because of a brief little (3-day) email fling my wife had with her ex-fiance behind my back.

She also hid it from me because she knew I wouldn't approve and would "get like this." Da@$ right I will!

She said she did it because she needed to deal with some "unfinished business" also. Of course, before they got to the unfinished business (an apology from her), they had a little 10-email reunion, catching up on each others' lives - my wife: "I can't believe I'm talking to you after all these years! Tell me about yourself, your life, your job, etc.! I'll tell you my story later! I think of you." - chit-chatting, him calling my wife the cute little pet name he used while they were dating and telling her that "part of me still loves you and always will."

But, course, there's no danger in anything happening, you just needed to take care of some "unfinished business", so it's not a big deal, right? Read very slowly again:

HE!! NO!

You are damaging and endangering your marriage. IMO, this girlfriend of yours is now just like any OM/OW. You must establish NC immediately. It must be as if she never existed, does not exist now, and never will exist again as far as you are concerned.

LC,

The main argument here is your H's actions and rationalizations MAKES YOU UNHAPPY, UNEASY, SAD, WORRIED, AFRAID, PARANOID, ANXIOUS ETC, ETC,...

For your H to CONTINUE down this road knowing full well how his actions are affecting YOU makes him look very selfish, whiney, and small.

He is CHOOSING to do this to you!! Plain and simple. Black and white. Total lovebuster and a very sh!!!y thing to do.

If he does not stop, what do you do?

TIME TO PLAN!!!!!!! AND SET YOUR BOUNDARIES.

IMHO

kirk

Agreed. "Unfinished business" should have been finished before you got married, and if it wasn't - too bad. By getting married you declare all past relationships dead & buried - where they belong.

LC,

I see you are FWW.

Could the boy be throwing a little payback your way?

I am close to 5 years out since Dday and sometimes have those thoughts....along with all the others.

kirk

I think many (if not most) of us BS's have at least some thoughts of an RA (I know I sure did). He should have FULL understanding of how hurtful his behavior is, and to do what he's doing (assuming he understands MB) is even MORE heinous.

Well, I didn't notice that. It is a bit ironic/rich for her to be crying foul now that the tables are turned a bit. But...that doesn't make what he is doing right. It's still wrong and he needs to be called out for it.

Thanks everyone for your replies. Just about everything said here I have mentioned to him and he thinks I am over-reacting. I asked him to read this thread, but have no idea if he will or not.

He has not bought into MB, so I suspect he won't agree.


I have no idea. It's been 4 years since my confession (5 1/2 since the A) and I really have trouble understanding after all we've been through and all we have supposedly learned in the last 4 years he would think this is OK.

LC

No it is NOT "ironic" or "rich" ottert! That is a horrible thing to say!!! Those rationalizations and justifications are NO BETTER than any that the original WS made...Apparently you don't understand the damage that committing adultery does to the WS either...it is soul-searing...horrible...and YES, they (we) chose it...It is BECAUSE of what I know, that I don't want DocP to go down this road...And I also care about LC...Do you think it would hurt her any less than it did DocP? Do you think she would "deserve" it? Wow...You've got a lot to learn...

Sorry, your post just floored me...No one, ever, ever, ever, ever "deserves" to be betrayed...

Mrs. W

Ottert,



It's never been a secret around here, that's for sure, yes I am a FWW my A was in 2003. Not that it changes any of the hurt, it was physical, but not sexual.

I'm not necessarily crying foul, as you put it. I am doing my best to make sure our marriage stays on track and in a place we have worked very hard to get it to. I want him to read opinions from other people why it's a bad idea even if he feels safe doing it.

I will admit as a FWW I probably am a little more paranoid. I know how it all works because I lived it and know what to look for.

The very first thing I brought up to him was the slippery slope. He and I both agreed it was a place I never expected to be and look where I ended up. He certainly doesn't expect to be near the slope either therefore feels he doesn't have to worry. I simply am asking people to explain to him why this is wrong and show him that I am not the only person who feels this way.

The biggest thing that bugs me over this is the fact that he is not taking the necessary steps to protect our marriage. I thought we both learned the importance of doing so over the years, but apparently I was mistaken.

LC

When you get married, you are closing all other doors-- both past and future.

Knocking on the doors violates the safety of the marriage.

Out of basic respect for your spouse, there should be no 1:1 friendships with a person of the opposite sex that include any private conversations. Your spouse or other suitable chaperone is invited along/copied/included, without exception.

If you are married, why are you acting like a single guy in regards to anything at all?

I agree that BS know the hell they went through, but they don’t always know the hell the WS goes through. That experience of our own side of hell is why a lot of us FWs stick around MB and try so hard to convince other WSs to turn their act around.

lifechoice, I don’t know what email restrictions or boundaries you and Docp have in place, or if he is willing to do so, but here is something my H and I do. On the advice of our pastor, since d-day, we not only have each other’s email account passwords, but also copy each other on emails we send to members of the opposite sex (except work-related emails from work email accounts). The examples of members of the opposite sex we might email are: old friends of the family, in-laws, or people we are involved in a church project with. Sometimes the necessity to communicate is unavoidable.

I don’t send blind copies, so that the person I’m emailing knows that my H is included in the emails. That way, no one is able to hide anything. Emailing could still be done through work accounts, but most businesses have access, and reserve the right to read employees’ emails, so that could discourage spouses from being inappropriate from work accounts.

My PA was with an old BF and began with emails. I know of a woman in my social circle whose H left her last Christmas for an old GF, and his A began with emails. One time, a female “friend” of my H from high school emailed him regarding an upcoming reunion. I investigated and discovered that she was newly divorced, and remembered that she had a “crush” on him way back when. Since we went to the same school and graduated the same year, I responded to her email and relayed any information she needed.

If your H is sure that emails with this woman are not a problem, then he should have no problem including you in their emails.

God bless you both!
Rose