I think my recovery is going well overall. WW is remorseful and we are making good strides. However I find myself thinking about the A alot. It kind of dominates my thoughts at times. And I have lots of triggers. Lots of things W will say or do with me will trigger me and make me wonder if she said or did the same things to the OM. I realize this is not healthy for recovery but hard to stop. My WW will say just try to think of the present and the future and the better memories we can create and I know she is right but I just have a tough time doing it. What's wrong with me? My W is willing (although reluctantly at times) to talk about the A and answer questions but I do get a lot of I don't knows and can't remember. I don't think she is lying. At worst she is trying to protect my feelings but more than likely she really can't remember or doesn't know why she did or said certain things with the OM. Just gets frustrating sometimes - I don't want to live like this forever. Its not fair to either one of us. Anybody have any suggestions of how to stop this or going through the same thing?

My d-day was 10/2/08. NC since then, and WH and I are working on recovery. I'm still watching closely, though.

I am consumed by thoughts of the OW and EA a lot of the time. The triggers are all too familiar to me. I have started on meds to help the depression. I've been told to give it time. I'm thinking at least a year. I have good days and bad days. You?

I think about it everyday. Some days are worse, some are better. My wife has been seemingly patient with me about it. I try not to abuse that.

My wife and I have started working out together after work. I know that will help to change my brain chemistry!

Time usually deals with that problem. I'm almost 4 years out from D-Day, my FWW ("Tangled") has not been the most cooperative of FWWs, and I can safely say that her A does not occupy my thoughts at anywhere near the level that it used to.

I would say over time it is getting better. The days are kind of the same though. I feel like sometimes I'm married to my W and the A. I wouldn't say I'm very depressed but these thoughts just keep popping into my head. Kind of a non stop series of "I wonder if she did or said this with him..". And its kind of unfair to her - after all there are only so many ways you can 'do' stuff with another person of the opposite sex or so many ways you can say I love you before she is bound to repeat with me or vice versa. Guess that feeling of 'specialness' that I had with my W is pretty low right now. And I know she's trying to make it better but how can she after what happened?

Good to hear. Yeah we have tried to do more stuff together and that does help - I don't think about the A nearly as much. I think about more while watching TV and seeing a certain scene or hearing a certain phrase and then the mind starts drifting...

Hey that's good to hear. I realize I'm not that far along - only 3 months so hopefully time will help. Plus my WW had been pretty good about dealing with it- although she does get annoyed in the sense that bringing up the A can ruin an otherwise good night. I don't view it quite the same - after all I'm dealing with these thoughts pretty much all the time - good night or bad night.

I'm 4 years out too...and I don't think about it all. Never did much at the beginning [of recovery] either....some, but not much.


Your feelings and thoughts will follow your actions...

thus

DON'T dwell on the thoughts...when you have them, conciously think "stop" and deliberately take on another action. Maybe iron, play your wii-fit, read your bible...anything, just CHOOSE to stop thinking about it. It will take you time to train your brain, but, in time, those thoughts will all but disappear.

BTW, starting threads to discuss how you can't stop thinking about the A, only feeds thinking about the affair.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - would you forever want your wife to look at you and constantly have your worst moment on her mind. May not be nearly as bad as what she did to you, so you're giving time (as much as you need)...I'm just saying it's not very conducive to rebuilding and creating a marriage of extraordinary care.

I don't know your full story but I'd encourage you to keep the pressure on your wife, despite the likelihood you are "ruining a good night".

She had a year long affair....not quite long term but 3 months of recovery is REALLY EARLY. She's likely not done with withdrawal yet.

Anyway...the only way to clear the fog and get to true intimacy with her is through conflict (i.e. - constructive conflict).

If you find you are pushing her buttons and upsetting her...push on, slowly and strategically, as you must be hitting the mark. Don't be afraid of conflict but realize your WW won't be fog free for, at least, a year or two...if you're lucky.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

"Guess that feeling of 'specialness' that I had with my W is pretty low right now. And I know she's trying to make it better but how can she after what happened?"


This is exactly the part that bothers me. That WH had special feelings, probably words, for someone else. The specialness of 'us' fades. You know? You know...

Well, I'm in Plan D at this point but still struggle with thinking about it way too much. I'm supposed to be moving on!!! Anyway, a little technique that somebody told me to is when the thoughts start coming on force yourself to think of a Stop sign in your mind. Visualize the red octogon with white writing, the post, everything. When I was first told this I thought yeah right....like that will really work. But, I gave it a shot and was surprised to find out that it did actually work for me on a number of occassions. The mind is a mysterious thing I suppose. I'm sure it doesn't work for everybody but why not give it a try?

Mindshare

Sorry to hear about the plan D but I'm willing to give it a shot. Thanks for the tip.

I like the stop sign thing too! I'm gonna try it! I may even give myself a gold star every time it works!!!

What works for me is to allocate time to think about the A and then to structure that time. I treat it very much like working out. Just meaning, I set aside specific times to think about things and then I try to have an objective to my thoughts that will lead to either some action or "closing the book" on some element of the A. I also try to bring that same discipline to other activities. Like if I am going golfing, I foucs on golfing.

This has worked pretty well. At first, I needed to allocate a lot of time. But now, not so much. And having an objective to the thoughts has helped tremendously. Rather than just letting my mind drift, I quickly decide what do I want to accomplish with this line of thinking. If it isn't going to do anything, then I stop or redirect it towards something that will help.

I will say that there are a few activities that I can't really do anymore. Listening to music is hard. Cause for me, my mind always drifts when I do that.

Finally, what has also helped is that when I post here, I try to separate posts to others from my posts about my situation. I occassionally post on my situation and ask for advice, which is time I have allocated for pondering my situation. But when posting to others, I try not to endlessly tie it in to my own experiences. Just meaning, I try not to lead off everytime I try to give advice with "well my FWW did....". I think that helps.

This works for me becuase it takes away that helpless flailing wasted time feeling one usually gets when just pondering all this stuff.

Sometimes I see my wife's involvement with the OM as just one of her past relationships pre-marriage. After all, we've both been with different people in our pasts, so this is one way I rationalize her affair sex. This is probably how I will ultimately deal with it.

When my wife and I were first married, I was jealous of her past experiences with other guys... well, I worked through that. Working through her affair will probably be much the same in my mind.

I did press her for many details of her encounter with the OM. She told me they just had "normal sex." Nothing kinky. Since it was just two times, I tend to believe her. In addition to that, I was with her one time between the two time she was with him. In one of her weaker moments, she's asked me, "Why did it have to be so good?" refering to when I was with her. It was probably because we just got done agreeing to a divorce (pre D-Day.)

I think about it every day.

The maximum amount of time I go without thinking about it is the length of a really good movie. 2 to 3 hours.

Mr. W has brought up something important here, Upside_Down. If you've not read extensively through Dr. Harley's writings (or maybe he said it during the MB weekend, can't remember), you might have missed it.

When one or both partners have emotionally withdrawn, the ONLY way back to intimacy is through conflict.

Ugh. I was not happy to learn that and I'm sure neither of you enjoys those awful, angry scenes, although you've probably had some already. I think they're inevitable in the earliest stages of recovery, but you must eventually get a grip on your emotions to get past them (took us about a year, so we're no poster children).

But that's not what Dr. H is suggesting when he says we must go through "conflict" to get to intimacy. The problems and the pain (and other feelings) inherent in them MUST be discussed. The challenge is to do it without love busters--angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrepectful judgments, dishonesty...

So, yes, you must engage her, even if the topics aren't easy or enjoyable. Just do everything you can to keep it from being destructive, or withdrawal will only go deeper.

It's early for you. A PLAN applied gently and consciously wins the race.

Right Here Waiting

A? What A?

JK, I'm not quite there, nor would I want to be.

The A used to weigh on my mind pretty much every waking moment. As time went by, I would be really proud of myself when I went 10-15 min without thinking of it. I was startled the first time I went a couple of hours.

Now I still think of it more than once a day, but nearly all the time it's just in an offhand way, in the context of helping someone else.

For example, I'm thinking of it a bit to type this, but feeling not a single twinge of pain or any bad thoughts about DH. (I still might think a few bad thoughts about the OW when I see her, but that's about it.)

I only think about it on days of the week that end in day. The longest I have went is about 8 hours while sleeping. I had a good dream about me slowly drowning in the ocean rather than a nightmare with WW and OM. During the day it has only been half that. I try something similar to the stop sign thing, but it works about half the time. The other half I lose focus on the stop sign and bad thoughts come back.

Wow. That's scary. I'm pretty much the same as you know but I'm hoping that in a couple of years it will be less. Only time will tell.