I am finding that the further I get into recovery, the less patience I have with BS’s who refuse to take the aggressive steps necessary to end their WS’s affair. I am 8-9 months into recovery and I know how hard this is. I can’t imagine that someone who struggles with finding the intestinal fortitude to break up the affair could ever have the strength to push for true recovery and not just settle for staying married.

For the first few weeks after d-day, I was flying by the seat of my pants and luckily I did a lot of things right to end my wife’s affair. I was also fortunate that my WW quickly established NC, had the fog blown away by an OM that was callous and uncaring, and quickly committed to the marriage and recovery. With all of this plus having around 20 years of a happy marriage before things started to unwind recovery is still hard.

I am a firm believer in MB principles. They have given us a great foundation for understanding our relationship and rebuilding a strong marriage. However, the more posts I read, the more I am convinced that plan A needs to be much more aggressive when it comes to exposure and ending the affair and I think most BS’s need to head to plan B or D a lot sooner. I see so many who struggle with exposing the affair and spend weeks tolerating the abuse of their WS. I know there are examples around here of marriages that have survived long term infidelity and serial cheating, but they are few and far between.

I have no regrets about staying in my marriage and working towards recovery. I know that many on here think I’m foolish for trying to recover with OC involved, but after just 6 weeks of bonding with this child I am more convinced than ever that I did the right thing for me. But, I see so many who struggle to find the strength to expose their WS’s affair. I see so many are too scared of making their WS angry to take the steps necessary to end the affair. I can’t imagine that these people are really up to the task of truly recovering their marriage. Many of these people are showing back up after a few years of “recovery” facing another affair by their WS or living in an unhappy marriage.

Maybe I’m just in a bad mood. But, the more I see how difficult recovery can be, the more I’m convinced that BS’s need to be more aggressive ending the affair and much quicker to throw in the towel and move on. Please tell me if I’m off base on this one.

I agree 100%

Sometimes I want to reach through my computer and throttle some BS's.

Then again, I'm only a Plan A advocate if the affair ended on discovery and the wayward shows immediate remorse. Otherwise I'm a 'kick 'em to the curb' advocate.

Hi Runner,
Glad to read that you are doing well recovering your M.

I am one of those that at the beginning I did not want to take action. Maybe by my inability in being agressive I might have really hurt my chances for recovery but I cannot second guess myself.

I realize that now, but at the beginning I was shocked and terrified and could not even function. I really got hit by those proverbial 2x4s by the Vets when I signed up on this board and it helped me to take some real action.

Some of us take a little longer but eventually we all get the concept of MB principles in the end.

Anyone who signs up on this board wants the same -- restoration to a better marriage.

Thanks for sharing.

While I tend to agree with your statement overall I also was one of those people who said I would get a D immediately if she ever cheated on me. So I guess that makes me a hypocrite. All I would say is "Never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes." I think that more then anything is important to remember when reading peoples stories on these boards. You can't possible know 100% what you would do until your in that situation. Fortunately for you your WW broke off contact quickly. But what if the OM wasn't so callous and uncaring? Would she have been able to break it off so easily? Who knows but either way I'm glad your recovery is going well so far.

ITA. I didn't even know of MB until 3 mos post Dday but I was aggressive with exposure and just did things that seemed "right" at the moment. It drives me nuts when I see BSs asking for advice and then do absolutely nothing with it and months later wonder why their WS is still wayward. Some BSs don't even want to use a twig much less the stick. Heck, I say use a log. There might be more recoveries if Plan B or D would be used early on and save the BS from being crushed down even further. If a WS sees a "weak" BS, I'd imagine they think they can carry on with business as usual because the BS isn't going to do anything anyways.

Maybe, and this is just a thought, the reason WS's don't act more harshly or quickly is because of denial? What do you think?

It took me 4 months after D-day to even seek support. I thought, this too shall pass...

The reason I came here is because I want my marriage to be good and strong. "Marriage Builders". Remember? Quite a few of my replies said to get out-now! Never listening to-"I want my marriage to work"

I'll stick it out because there is some really good advice from some VERY wise people. People that have been through WAY more than I have.

So, to question whether recovery is worth all the hard work? What is your marriage worth to you? That's the real question.

RB,

If I had exposed my POS BIL immediately it would have kept my SIL from getting an STD, he convinced her she got it from a bathtub in a hotel. Think she still believes that.

NJ

There’s probably not many around here who value their marriage more than I do. I had a ww that I walked in and caught her and OM doing the nasty in one of my rental houses and who ended up pregnant with OM’s child and I still fought like he!! for my marriage. My relationship with my wife is second only to my relationship with God. Maybe that’s why I don’t understand the hesitation to fight. I put so much value on my marriage that I was willing to do whatever it took to remove this cancer. Maybe that’s just an extension of my personality because even in my professional life I have always been a take the bull by the horns kind of guy.

The reason I think people need to be much more aggressive in exposure and ending the affair is because every day that the affair goes on it just inflicts more and more damage to the BS. I think too many times they think they have won the battle when their WS comes back to the marriage after months of cheating. They are so happy that the affair is finally over that they don’t immediately recognize how much deep emotional damage has been inflicted on them. Many times that damage is so bad that they will never truly recover even though the marriage will survive. I didn’t want to be married just to avoid divorce. I wanted a restored relationship that was better than it was before and I wasn’t willing to settle for less.

It just amazes me that BS’s are so scared of making their WS angry that they refuse to draw a line in the sand and fight. The WS has already shown their contempt for the marriage and the BS by their cruelty when they hop into bed with OP, disregard their vows, exposed their spouse to any number of STDs, and continue the disrespect of their BS by continuing the affair post d-day. I can’t see where they have much to lose by fighting with an aggressive exposure and plan A. Their WS’s anger is the least of their worries yet it is the greatest reason for their paralysis.

NJ,

That is why I find it outrageous that people refuse to expose to the OP's spouse. That poor unsuspecting spouse is in danger of having their world destroyed and no one is willing to warn them. It's the equivelant of seeing a building on fire and refusing to pull the fire alarm.

ITA. However, I think part of it may be the fact that those BSs who draw a line in the sand get to see how committed the WS is to the M. Those who draw things out, may win or they might not. If they do and it was a long drawn out ordeal, the BS may never recover. I read very few long battles that turned out well (Mortarman). I would have thrown in the towel long before he did, so I think he is a better man than I could ever be. But hey, to each their own.

RB,

Yea my wife keeps asking me about helping her brother who is having marital difficulties, after I improved from reading this site. I not sure how to start because he has never been honest with his wife and that is weighing on his mind. But the prostitutes he saw years ago are still an issue in his marriage and cannot just be forgotten in my opinion.

NJ

RB:

Your post is proof why BS's can be so frustrating around here.

They have to get past thier own FEAR.

The wayward is cheating on them and putting them at all sorts of risk.

And they are FEARFUL if they take action.

We can only propose good strong actions. It is up to them to act.

Your voice can help. Put your original thread in your signature block and reference it in your posts to the fearful BS.

Dramatic action works.

LG

LG,

I just hate to see people in pain. My FIL was a Dr and he complained all the time that his patients would come and see him and then not take the medicine that he prescribed. He used to talk about how frustrating it was to see people continue to live in pain when it was so unnecessary.

Yet, you are right. It is their pill to swallow if you will. They are the ones that have to make the final choice. It's just hard because as you know even under the best possible circumstances recovery is the hardest thing most of us will ever face and it only gets more difficult and painful when affairs drag out over time.

I've given a few tongue-lashings to BSs who were deluding themselves into thinking they could pull the sheet over their head until the Boogeyman went away.

On the other hand, who am I to judge? This experience is a nightmare. It's just awful.

I just hate to see a WS get away with it.

ITA 100%. RB, yours is the story I refer all weak-appearing BS's to. I wish they'd put a sticky on your thread, or at least link it to the notable posts thread. You are a hero among BS's.

Tabby,
Thanks for the kind words. You're doing wonders for my ego.

I'm far from any kind of hero. I was just lucky that my instincts were spot on.

Krazy,

I have always identified with you a little. I guess we're members of that elite club of BS's who actually got to see the dirty deed taking place. Maybe the kind of white-hot anger stemming from that slap in the face removed all of the fear these other BS's seem to experience. I swear, my wife's pregnancy has been easier to deal with than the image of the two of them together that is forever etched into my mind.

Runnerboy,

Been around here for a long time. I understand your frustration, but... there is something you don't understand.

Often the BS must learn and heal BEFORE they can address their marriage. When I say heal, I mean that often the marriage has been imbalanced for a long time, and the BS has many fears which leads to a fear to expose and set boundaries. Part of the job here is to get the BS to the point where they are strong enough to do the really hard work of recovery and that often takes weeks and even months of conversations on this site. Some, I can think of a few off-hand NEVER really get to that point, and live in a marriage few would tolerate.

It would seem obvious to most of us who have been here awhile but the concept of balancing the giver/taker parts of us, is very foreign to some folks and when they come here, it takes substantial amounts of time to get that concept across. At that point they can more accurately assess what the WS is doing, what they need to do, and what they really want out of a good marriage.

Frankly, most BS' come here hurt, angry, disoriented but few come with a plan. The job here is to help them see the need for a plan, show them some options for their plan, and then coach them to see things in ways that often seem obvious to us.

I always look at the BS very much like the WS that come here. Both, need to change their perspectives on things, and specifically marriage and what a good marriage is. Then they must decide and plan to acheive such a marriage. THEN, they must get the courage to do it. Oddly, I see far fewer differences between the two than most people here think there are. Yes, they are coming from opposite sides of the situation, but they are both trying to get to the same point.

Just thoughts. I am glad things are going well in your family. You have done well. Just be aware of the 1 year bounce. Most BS' seem to take a dip around the 1 year mark.

God Bless,

JL

Some BS's around here do nothing and do half-assed Plan B's (I won't name any names ) which is just as detrimental to recovery as never doing a plan at all.

I don't understand. Don't they GET IT? What will it take, sometimes, to get things through to them?

KR,

You asked
I think time is key and I think trying to explain things to them in different ways, hoping that something will click and they will see what we are really trying to say.

This stuff takes time and patience on the part of the person trying to heal a marriage and those of us trying to help them.

God Bless,

JL

No, you are not off base. Believe me, I SHARE your frustration because I know the ones who make it are the ones who take decisive, firm action, ie: a mixture of the carrot and the stick. The most successful cases I see combine both in a well thought out strategy that is best defined by Pepperband's carrot and stick.

That means exposing the hell out of the affair, confronting the OP and the WS, ensuring they understand that there will be no cooperation whatsoever with the destruction of the marriage. But that also means not doing stupid stuff like kicking the WS out. [outside of Plan B] It means demonstrating a willingness to meet the needs of the spouse if the affair is ended and avoiding lovebusters.

But be assured the conflict avoidance you see sometimes is not a Marriage Builders concept. Just the opposite. Dr. Harley advocates decisive action, up to and including separation and divorce. We have members who have been lingering in limbo here for YEARS who have actually been advised by Dr Harley to get a divorce. Sometimes the definition of success IS DIVORCE.

Runnerboy, somehow you instinctively did the right thing when you found out about the affair and are well into recovery. You could greatly benefit newcomers here - especially the scared men - man up and face the adultery demon.

Thanks for posting on this forum. I am proud to know you.

That is not our place, though. The best I can do is tell them what I know and it is up to them to take it or leave it.

People come here for different reasons...........to my shock. Some are not here to solve a problem. Some come here to solve the problem, some to commiserate about their poor lot in life and some to just chit chat. Some people do not come here to actually change things. When someone talks and talks about the same problem for years and never changes anything that means they are here to yak, not change anything. People who want to change............change.

I had to learn this the hard way. And remind myself that conflict avoiders and limbo lovers have the same right to be here as me. I could not live like that, but I respect their RIGHT to live just like that.