How do you feel about/is your relationship with your in-laws?

Good? Bad? Indifferent? Other?

Do you feel it affects your marriage, whatever state it is in?

Do you feel your marriage would be different (better/worse/recovered/etc.) if your relationship with your in-laws were different?

What about moving forward - whether you're divorced, separated, recovering, confused - do you have expectations for your in-laws? Can they make or break your current or a future relationship?

This is not a Julie-focused discussion. I really am interested to see how you all feel about in-laws.

I think my MIL's character (she's the "it's not wrong if no-one knows about it") rubbed off on my FWW, leading to the problems we've had with her infidelity. She can be as sweet as they come - just don't turn your back on her. She's also quite prejudicial and a bit of a racist. I don't seek out her company.

I have very little contact with FIL.

My XFIL met our divorce with apathy.

His ONLY comment and last words to me were "well, that's just the way she is, nothin I didn't expect".

I hated my XILs. When the XW and I got engaged, her dad sought assurances from me that I'd agree to raise any future children in his religion. They're Jewish.

I replied that this was a matter between his daughter and I. He slammed his hand down on the table and started to threaten me with all sorts of things. The XW actually supported me at first, until she caved at his threat of turning her out of the family.

He actually drafted up a legal-sounding document for me to sign guaranteeing that I'd defer the religious leadership of my family to him. I refused and he and his wife (my XW's step mother) stormed out of the meeting.

They'd already pulled their support of the wedding. It all went on for months, until the cantor who married us told him that he was wrong. He finally relented, and agreed to attend the wedding, but my XW and I were responsible for the whole thing.

That was fine with me. Any trust and warmth between us was gone forever. I don't think they ever accepted me as a "goyim" anyway. They once suggested to the XW's step sister that she leave her current BF (son of a minister) and return to her abusive ex-BF because he was Jewish.

And because I refused to give up my own religion, they told the XW's sister that they feared I would try to convert the XW. The biggest bright spot of my divorce at the time was knowing that they would be out of my life completely.

I loooove my GF's folks. They are from the same part of the country as my family, we have a much closer cultural and social history, and they seem to really like and respect who I am and what I do. Her dad is an engineer, and the fact that I'm in a technical profession sits very well with him. They even love my kids and my dogs. Her dad said that my lab pit mix is his favorite dog of our whole group (includes the GF's own dog, and her close friend's dog). They already feel like family to me - like an aunt and uncle. It feels -that- familiar. The GF and I joke darkly that we might be long-lost cousins. LOL - ew!

Anyway, the lesson I learned is that there is much to be said for finding someone who comes from a similar background. I really underestimated the challenges of an interfaith relationship. Especially one when the two families hail from entirely different regions of the country.

Considering that after ten years together, they still call me by my H's x's name, and have photos on their walls of him with her, right next to photos of our children, and my FIL snuck a gun into my house and placed it in my daughter's bedroom amidst her toys...I hate them.

I have only seen them once in the last five years, and don't plan on ever seeing them again. This last visit, my daughter asked my FIL why there was a piece of tape across the ceiling, and he pulled her close and said, "You ever hear the term [derogatory word for black people]-rigging?" I went off. I'm done.

I won the Horrible In-Law Lottery!

This is so interesting. I hope more people chime in!

I wonder if there is a such thing as a harmonious, fulfilling, healthy in-tact marriage with idiot and/or clueless, unsupportive in-laws?

Of course in my own M, my STBXH's biggest influence is his mother who I cannot describe in just one word. His now-deceased father & step-mother were estranged from him when we met, but they soon reconciled and I LOVE(d) them. They actually GET it -and were NICE to me - and supportive of our family!

So of course as I think of my future I wonder how heavily I'll end up weighing any future prospect's family ties. Additionally, my parents, who are not good at supporting each other or me, are not good in-laws either! They always liked STBXH & encouraged me to let him home last year during Plan B.

SO MUCH we are up against at times...what was I thinking?!?! I guess I figured I loved my H for who he was & didn't really consider his family as they had no bearing on our day-to-day. But, in reality (12 yrs later, UGH!) these are long-standing, habitual ways of thinking, living and being. Yikes!

ETA: Interesting comment about coming from similar VS different backgrounds. STBXH & I have very different backgrounds. But, in the years to come, I cannot imagine it'd be a good idea to seeek out others who were raised in alcoholic homes & who are, like me, criminally co-dependent. What a bunch of sucky saps we'd be!

OH - and I just remembered - one thing that REALLY drew me to STBXH: his commitment to his family; his mother & sister! Crazy right?! It's true. My family isn't even a little bit close so I really, really loved that he was so devoted to them.

Well it's mult-dimensional. I hated my ILs and I don't think they were too fond of me. My mom and my XW on the other hand, loved each other. And they still correspond from time to time. My mom says that she's just trying to keep the conduit open for the sake of her grandchildren. The XW states that she still loves my mom.

I think that if there's enough animus between one spouse and one set of ILs, it can place a very heavy burden on the M.

I had and still have a great relationship with first xFIL. His family completely supported me during and in the aftermath of my M to their abusive son.

My current stbxMIL recently sent me a friend request in FB and I accepted. We got along throughout the M, though she (sort of) took his side during the separation. Much of that was due to his snowballing her with lies - which I suspect she knows are lies but doesn't want to admit out loud that her son is a lyin' cheatin' POS.

On the flip side, neither of my H's thought much of my mother and I do understand this. She can be nosey, manipulative and a PIA - traits that have gotten worse since my dad passed away. But what can I say, she's my mom.

I feel so horribly for all of you. I couldn't hand pick better ILs. I thanked my ILs for raising such an awesome person... my H. It was my IL's that I went to when I found out about the EA.

They have been a great support to us and our M. Everyone should have IL's like mine.

I only ever had a FIL and then only for a few years into our M. Sadly he died of cancer. He was a very good man though. He was always so supportive of me. I do miss him.

My parents "adopted" my husband when I was about 16. He just fitted in with the whole family. Even if he was going out with one of sisters at the time lucky for me just as friends not boyfriend/girlfriend. lol

Mum & dad have been that for both of us for more than 20 years. We are all pretty close which is lucky because they live around the corner

My X-IL's don't think much of me. Well, that is not true. My X-FIL never made me feel as though I was not welcome, the X-MIL though....

She was the one that broke the news to me that my marriage was over. I found out a week later that it was because of an affair.

She took pleasure in hurting me when XH was cleaning out the house. Then, had the audacity to tell me I should have left all of the furniture and stuff in the house so that XH could live there while I lived with my sister and her family.

I hated her.

My fiance's parents are the most loving and amazing people I have ever met. I am very happy with them.

I guess I lucked out on the ILs. My MIL has been through a tough time in her M. My FIL has been cheating on her since the day they started dating almost and she has stuck with him (though not in a great loving R). She is someone I can go to about anything having to do with my H. After my A and them finding out, she wasnt the greatest person to be around. For about a month I didnt talk to her or go to their house, but since then she has forgiven me and we are very clos now. She said that no matter what happens with me and my H that she doesnt want us to lose touch. I consider her a very good friend.

As for my FIL, he isnt the most talkative person, but I know he does like me and I do like him. With what is going on with my H and I now, he told my H that he "better not hurt that girl". I feel blessed to have ILs that care so much, knowing what I have done.

I dated my SIL in Junior High! Anyways, SIL, WW, and I grew up together - SIL and I have alway been close. SIL and WW are also identical twins and up until the affair, have been inseparable. Right after ILUBNILWU speech, I called SIL and MIL to find out what was going on and they have been extremely supportive of me throughout this.

WW and my folks grew to be VERY close. All in all, I was accepted into her family like a son and she was accepted into my family like a daughter. Plus, my folks got along with hers as well. I think when everyone get along and are fans of the marriage, it makes the betrayal even harder on the extended family.