What a way to start the New year huh?

It has been a little over a month now and I have been reading things on this site without posting. I figured I would throw my situation out there, let you guys know what has gone on, and tell you where we are at today.

This is going to probably be very long but here we go:

My wife and I got married at 19 years old and have been married now for 5 1/2 years. Dated for almost 2 years before. We had a sudden marriage, engagement was only 2-3 weeks long because she was moving out from her parents with no where to go long term. We both decided it would be best to get married because of our religous backgrounds, you dont live together without being married.

I believe for a long time she was pouring everything into the marriage and I was simply soaking it in, not really showing much back to her. I ended up spending a lot of times at friends houses, and on my computer. When I say alot I mean if I wasnt at work it was 85-95% of the time. We did occasionally do things together but it seemed like we were roomates with benefits for the longest time. I should have seen the problem a long time ago, but just didnt realize how unhappy she was.

She worked with a guy who she had a crush on since she was 17. She is now 24 and he is 32. He has been married for 11 years with 2 kids.

They started talking to each other about their bad marriages and hearing confirming words from one another. They started feeling each others pain and about 1 1/2 years ago started a sexual relationship at work in the back office, trying to schedule each other to close the location with just the 2 of them.

I found out January 1st about this with a myspace message from the other guys sister. The message said something along the lines of: Your wife is having an affair with my brother and it is tearing our family apart. We feel that you deserve better and you should know about this.

I confronted my spouse about this and she said yes they are very good friends, but an affair doesnt always involve sex. She said they have talked about divorcing their spouses and getting together and it has been a serious conversation. She then went and stayed with a friend that night and then came back a few days later to tell me she talked to him the night before and they both decided to try to go back and work through their marriages, with no contact between them.

I was happy at this point but also still felt like I didnt know everything. We went to counseling on 3 different occassions, and he could even tell there was still something else she wasnt telling us. I found out about 1 week later by prying it out of her. I said to her did you love him more than me? She said yes, and I then proceeded to say well if you sleep with me and love me, but you love him more, how have you not slept with him? She couldnt even answer me or look at me.

She then went and stayed with her friend again for a few days and then came back. This past week she told me she needed more seperation time to think about things. Right now she is staying with her friend and I have been basically like a lost puppy begging her to come back and forgive me for what I have done to push her towards what she did. I know that there is NO excuse for what she did, but I was certainly not the husband I should have been emotionally for her. I know without a doubt that she is not seeing him anymore.

The problem right now is that she is not sure if she can be happy with me. I have shown her over this past month that I am willing to completely change my life around for her, and that things would be way different if she would just try to work it out. I hate seperation time and think it is a horrible idea. We are playing this game right now trying to go back to a "dating" theme to see if it will spark something inside of her. I dont think it will because I dont see how you can get over this other guy in a months time, and then just feel that way for me all the sudden. I have made a commitment to myself at this point to stop pushing so much but it is so hard to back off and just let her slip away. I guess the reality of divorce is too hard for me to handle.

Do you have any children, or joint property?

Does your WW still work with the OM?

No children, or property.

He was fired about 4-5 months ago and she is at another job now also.

Please help, any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Ok, so your M hasn't been good, it's suffered from infidelity only after a few years (and that's going to leave a lasting stain on the M), and there are no children or joint property involved.

Given all that's happened, can you see a future for your M where you and your W are happy together?

I can see it, but all she says is she hasnt been happy for a long time, and doesnt think she can truly love me and feel the way she should towards me again.

ER.. so she has a sexual affair four years into the M? Doesn't sound like a religion I am familiar with.


That doesn't sound like past tense as in "had" and A, but rather is having! Think someone's trying to tell you something here Jeff.


and then....


Jeff who is this "friend who is basically enabling your WW to continue in her A? I assume it is a female friend, but the real Q is she a friend to your M? sounds like a co conspiritor who is covering for your WW.



And you know this because???????????? (Please don't tell me you trust her, OK)

Generally speaking around here, needing time and space is code words for saying I need to seperate from you so I can continue my a without your interference and watchful eyes.

Jeff, I suspect this A is ongoing and she is still very much in contact with him. I could be wrong, but you asked for opinions and based on experience, that is mine. Don't bother counseling with a WW who is active in and A.

Waywards will lie to you and counselors to get everyone off their back. Don't waste your money at this point.


So why have you not exposed this to OM's wife? She deserves to know the truth in the same mannor that someone else enlightened you. She can't fix her own M unless and until she is aware of what is taking place between him and your WW. Exposure to all who can bring pressure to end the A, is a critical component of Plan A. Read the plans more closely in Q&A section.

Hang in there, it's a long rollar coaster ride, so strap yourself in.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I have been reading some over plan A and looking at the different views. I have been trying so hard to show my wife that even though she had an A I am willing to take her back. I know I have neglected her emotionally for so long, and I am hearing exactly what this website is telling me. She says things like she is not sure if she ever truly loved me, she thinks its not possible to ever be happy with me again, and that she has felt like roommates for too long. She thinks there has been too much emotional seperation between us, and there is no way to get that back now.

We are at the stage of "dating" and living seperatly right now but it is absolutely killing me. All I think about is how can she not see what I am willing to forgive her for, and do the same for me. How can she not care or love me after 7 years of being together.

I just dont get it. I keep reading around on the website, and trying to figure things out. We are going to weekly counseling but she has such a hard time opening up that I dont know if it will ever help.

It seems as if she has no desire to fix this problem, even though she is not wanting to get back with this other man. Its like she thinks I cannot change, and I am trying so hard to show her. I told her she will never know for sure until I have time to prove it to her while she is living with me.

Jerry,

Thank you for the advice. I truly appreciate it. This is going to seem kind of wierd but I have been talking to this man's mother who contacted me. She is a very spiritual woman and I know from her they are trying to work things out.

When his sister contacted me, she also told his wife which knows and they are working on things. He keeps saying he is having a hard time getting over my wife.

I believe the A is over, but not because she has told me. I can tell by her actions and more so because I speak to his mother about it 2-3 times a week and they are very supportive. I have also had conversation with his wife as well. I did stop talking to his wife about things because they were trying to work it out. We spoke because we felt at the time we understood what each other are going through.

OK Jeff, gotcha.

It's great that OM's W has been told. She will be one more set of eyes to watch the two of them.

I must say though, being seperated from your W is going to make it all the more difficult to Plan A in your M. And for the record, Plan A is not about being a puppy dog or begging your WW to return. You should not be a doormat, but rather show your WW how strong you have become and what a better choice YOU are as opposed to any alternatives.

You may well have to resort to Plan b, but not until you have demonstrated the best Plan A possible first.

Hang in there, and I think it would be best to move your thread to GQII forum for more input from the vets. Notified the mods that you would like the thread moved and they will be happpy to oblige.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Thanks again Jerry. Moderators can we get this thread moved so that I can get some more advice on this? Thanks in advance.

By the way Jerry, isnt plan B if the W is still seeing the other man? I really dont think she is, and you can understand why since I am talking to his mother and wife.

Well Jeff that could be one aspect of it, but as I said earlier, you are not ready for plan b. Wayyyy too early. You haven't done a good plan a first, which is a pre requisite.

Let me see if I can help you move this thread.

All Blessings,
Jerry

So then does plan A not only require her to be done with the other guy, but to also be living with me? We are doing a dating thing right now about every other day, if that helps.

Thank you for moving this post Mods...

Can anyone here shed some light on my situation? I know it is a lot to read but this is so tough for me to understand.

Well it's all helpful, but not ideal, if you KWIM..

Plan A is very much about ending the A and having no contact whatsoever with OP ever again for life. That would include working together, socializing, email, phone, and txt msg.
Zero contact! Complete break. When your WW agrees to this, it is best done in the form of a No Contact(NC) letter that you read and agree to, and then YOU mail it to insure it's delivery.

Here; from Dr. Harley:


See where this is all leading?

Total and transparent honesty, in a maner that will allow for reconsiliation of your M. It takes guts and courage, for when the fear ends, the anger and bitternes will inevitibly set in. That's why we call it a rollar coaster.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Well ther you go Jeff,

I'm sure some very good vets would love to assist you from here on out.

I'll be watching and praying,

All Blessings,
Jerry

They did this over the phone about a week after we found out. I know that it happened because the other man let his wife listen to the conversation and she told me about it. I would have liked to hear it for myself, but I have also been very very very snoopy and have found NOTHING contact wise between them.

Sorry Jeff,

This sounds like a one sided commitment made by other man in front of his w. On speaker phone? that sounds like appeasement to his BS so she would not leave him. Now it needs to be backed up.

Keep in mind, that only ACTIONS will bespeak the truth from here on out. Why?? Because WS's lie if their lips are moving. Learn this early on, and only trust ACTIONS, not words!

This convo does not speak at all about your WW's reation to this.
You seem to only have one sided jist of convo. Not, however, your WW's side. She could be thinking very differently.

And I still don't like, "friend" the enabler.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Jeff,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. However this is a great place to be to get the help you need.

I went through what you are going several months ago. The key is you must ask your wife to break the affair. Did she send a NC letter ? There has to be complete NC. Right now she is in fog, in love with the OM.

The withdrawl takes several months - ONLY if there is complete NC. You say you are separated. Not a good idea in my opinion. Can you not just go back and implement Plan A ?

Change your behavior, if you not done so already. Eliminate all LBs. Dont talk about relationship. She has completely shut you off emotionally. BUT, try to meet her needs anyway. There is a questionnaire here on the website that you can print. Have her fill that out. Dont make any decisions at this point. Her feelings will change. But will take time and also plenty of effort from your side. Show her what a good husband you can be.

Talk to her on daily basis. Do things with her. Little projects at home or outside.

DO NOT waste your money on counselling anymore. It is absolutely useless as long as there is contact and she starts to come out of the fog. And you WILL know when she is hitting the ground.

Oh, by the way, continue to monitor her/verify to make sure that she is not in contact.