Like all of you, I can't believe that I'm in the position to be writing on this board. My husband and I have been together for 16 years. There have been problems in our marriage, but we've always been a very bonded team - not a couple who seemed to be growing apart. Most important, althought he was very unhappy about certain aspects of our relationship and would mention it to me in passing, he never sat down with me and really explained just how difficult some things had become for him. I've been a bit of a lunatic - going through menopause, and he's just turned 53. Recently, he's gotten into Facebook and had a small reunion at the end of January with some of his pals from High School. Evidently, one of those people was a woman who he is now "seriously" involved with. From what I know, they met that once and began communication via email and phone. 2 weeks into the "connection" she was sending emails and text messages declaring her love for him. I found one of these messages last Friday night and confronted him. He told me that he has been unhappy for a long time and that he met someone who he thought there was a real possibility with. He said that there had been no physical contact and that they had decided that it was imperative that things go slowly. He had planned to stay with me, go to therapy, possibly go to therapy with me and see where things were at. I said that was fine - we could do all of that right now, but he had to let go of this woman. No deal.

My husband is an active member of AA - sober for 8 years, but he seems to be in a frenzied addiction to this woman. A few days after I found out, he spent the night with her. Then, I snooped and found a love letter that he wrote to her professing undying devotion and planning to spend their lives together. Remember - although he went to HS with her, they only first met up again at the end of January. So, his decision that he had found "his girl" and that his life has finally brought him to his true love had been made after 3 weeks and 2 meetings. But now he's saying "I've known her for 40 years" because they met in High School.
Needless to say, I'm devastated, terrified, and desperate. He stayed in our guest room for the first week and has now moved to a temporary situation at a friend's house. He is not financially stable right now, due to the economy and no one can imagine how he plans to survive. I understand that she is a sparkly drug right now and nothing in the world can convince him that she isn't what he's been looking for his whole life.
He wrote me a gut-wrenchingly beautiful letter yesterday about our 16 years together and how he must move on. Our relationship has been troubled and we are very dependent on one another. He says that he wants to stand on his own two feet and finally figure out who he is, but he's clearly not doing that. Despite the problems, we have always been a very bonded team - a tight couple. My therapist said that in all her years of doing therapy, only 3 couples had shaken her to the core when their marriages ended - the other two were close friends, and the third is us.No one who knows us can believe this is happening. He has been very dependent on me for many things - I was more of the take charge - get things done personin the relationship and I can't imagine how he's going to deal.
He has left most of his things here and took only a suitcase. We have no kids, but 5 animals who are like our kids. We have an old dog that he absolutely adores. Because I work far away, we have arranged that he will stop by each day to walk the dog. While I'd prefer not to have him here at all, the dog is very old and very attached to him and I don't want to do that to him.

I want him back, and that's the bottom line. Any opinions or advice would be greatly appreciated, and thank you for reading my long post.

Top

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It would have been better to keep hubby in the home so you could do a great Plan A. That is the starting point.

You should be reading all about Plan A and changing whatever it was that he complained about, plus exposing the affair.

Welcome to MB, but so sorry you are here.

Read up on the plans here, Plan A and Plan B.

Do you know if OW is married?

Have you exposed the adultery to anyone? That should be one of your first steps. Expose to everyone! Not out of revenge but because exposure helps kill the affair. Do it all at once to key people, family, pastor, friends, etc. You just need to say that your WH is involved in an affair and ask for their support because you very much want to save your marriage. Do not tell him what you're going to do, just do it. Don't tell him about MBs. This is your safe place.

Then begin Plan A.

Read up on "The Carrot and the Stick". I think you can find that in the "Just Found Out" section.

Is your WH drinking again?

Is this your first marriage? Your WH's first marriage?

I'm sure I've left some stuff out and hopefully others will come along behind me.

Thanks for your response. I was advised by my therapist that he either needed to agree to work on the relationship with me or leave the house. So, no plan A. Also, I don't think I could have dealt with it emotionally. We did have a lovely day together the day before he left and we did a lot of talking the morning that he left. Now I feel terrible that I didn't keep him here, but it's too late.

In answer to your questions, the OW is not married - I think that she's divorced. I have exposed the affair to all of my friends and our mutual friends, but it almost seems that it's worked against me - now that they're out in the open, they're going for it full-force. I'm really lost here.

debanne, my suggestion would be to find a qualified counselor who understands the dynamics of adultery. Now your H is free to carry on his affair. Your C gave you terrible advice.

Have you exposed the affair?

Please get your hands on Surviving an Affair and read up on the dynamics of adultery. It will help tremendously.

How do you know she is divorced? Most OW lie about this. I would find out if she is married. You should also expose to her parents so she can't bring your H home.

Have you exposed to your H's parents?

First of all, welcome to MB. It is the best place you could possibly be given your sad circumstances.

It's good that you understand the OW is just a glittery piece of fake jewelry. The things like "I've known her 40 years" are pure hogwash and it's good you see through that nonsense. He'll spout a lot of it, too - I love you, but I'm not "in love" with you - Things have been bad between us for a long time - This isn't about her. Just expect him to spew insane things and don't take any of it seriously.

Your post had a lot of good information in it.

This is an excellent opportunity for you to let him enjoy the consequences of his decision to leave the home. Do not allow him access to your income. If you have to, open an account in your name only, have your paycheck go to *your* account and pay the bills from *your* account. Do not financially fund his affair and his decision to move out.

Start working on this. Fix your part of things. You need to do this anyway, whether or not he comes back - and I predict he will. Whether or not you still want him by then remains to be seen. But you need to fix your contributions to the troubled relationship, regardless. Do you have a counselor helping you work through this? Do you feel you're making good progress?

Your desire to not have him there at all is counter-productive an I recommend that you re-visit that decision. Please read up on Emotional Needs (ENs) - there is a link in my signature. If his top EN is domestic support then you are shooting yourself in the foot by not wanting him around. If his top EN is domestic support then you need to have the house spotless, put out some flowers, have the place smelling like freshly baked cookies.. in short, be a domestic goddess.

Figure out what his top ENs are and bust your tail to meet them. You can do this even if he's living somewhere else. Men usually have Recreational Activities as a top EN - so think of fun things to do and invite him to go along with you. And even if he declines, GO AND DO IT, and then tell him later how much fun it was, how he missed out, and how you'd really have liked him to have been there to share it with you.

Your job now is to make the marriage an attractive place to land. This is not a quick-fix just to get him back. This is acquisition of new skills so that you are forever a better spouse to your H. You are making long term behavioral changes.

Also read up on LBs and eliminate them completely. One of the toughest (for me, anyway) is the Disrespectful Judgment. Pay close attention to that elusive little bugger.

You also need to expose the affair and you need to do it NOW. He will be angry. He will tell you that "I was thinking of coming home and working things out but you've destroyed any chance of that ever happening." He may tell you he's going to file for D. He will tell you that he can never trust you again (talk about irony!). Do not let fear control you. Exposure is the single most powerful tool you have to hasten the end of the affair.

Expose to everyone who might have influence on the affair: WH's parents, your parents, OW's husband, WH's best friends, preacher, etc.

Do NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT warn WH that you are going to expose. Do NOT threaten exposure. Just do it. If WH suspects you're going to tell, he'll quickly spread the word that the two of you have had problems for a long time, that you're hormonal, jealous, possessive, angry, insane, imagining things, impossible to live with. He'll talk about how lucky he is to have his good buddy that let's him stay on the sofa while you're so wacked out. He'll talk about how great it is that OW is offering support and advice from a woman's perspective. Then when you expose you're going to *sound* like a crazy hormonal wacked out person.

Expose to everyone all at once. Call or email them and say "WH is having an affair with OW. I love WH and I'm determined to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. I'd appreciate any advice you might have."

When WH goes nuclear on you just look at him square in the eye and tell him calmly "I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to save our marriage." or comment with half-interest "Really, dear? Would you like a potato chip?" (That last one is Mel's idea and it's a hoot - basically just don't get sucked into his drama. Change the subject).

So that's it for the moment.
Secure finances
Expose!!!
Avoid LBs
Meet ENs

Dump the therapist.
Also, you CAN do plan A while he's living elsewhere. It's not as easy, but it can be done.

Debanne

Please, listen to what these people are telling you.

I had an Affair 2 years ago. All my lies nearly destroyed my wife and family.

I have also been a member of AA for 26 years, so I understand your H's addictive and LYING nature.
He is NOW, Self Will Run Riot! And he will remain this way until his affair ends.

Don't believe a word out of his mouth, or anything he writes.


My wife successfully did plan A in spite of what therapists advise.

We have now been in a recovered marriage for 16 months due in large part to Marriage Builders and the people on this forum who have been there done that.

For what it's worth, I think your therapist is leading you down the wrong path.

Praying for you and your wayward husband!

Thanks for all of your responses. Maybe I don't correctly understand Plan A, but I can't imagine how I could have continued to live with my husband and act like a loving, devoted wife when I knew that he was leaving the house and seeing another woman. He was clear that he thinks this relationship has potential and that he wants to find out. It really would have been an untenable situation for me. I think that my therapists opinion is that he needed to be shut out and that he needs to experience life without me. Yes, I'll have him come and take care of the dog and cats twice a day when I'm at work, and I'll have the house looking beautiful, but I'm really at a loss as to what to do beyond that. Help!

If you read some of the posts here, you'll see that it IS extremely hard to continue to live with such a person. But it is also imperative, if you want your marriage back. Consider it a 'bad' period of your life that you'll survive but won't be fun. It will pass, one way or another. But if you want him back, your best chance is with him at home.

As for exposing, you need to hit the people who have the most influence over BOTH of them. That will probably require you hiring a PI to get the info on her - her parents and grandparents, if alive; her siblings; best friends. Same with your H. THOSE are the people who can just give these two a 'look' and make them feel like a piece of dog doodoo, and question what they're doing. Friends come and go, your H would be willing to give them all up if he can keep this 'love of his life,' but he probably won't be willing to give up his family for her. Ask for their help. Ask for OW's family's help.

debanne, have you exposed the affair to his parents? The OW's parents? Can you find out if she is married?

debanne, what is your therapist's plan to save your marriage?

Or has she just written you off already and is preparing you for an "amicable" divorce like most unqualified therapists?

I fear she does not know what she is doing. She made a dreadful mistake in telling you to kick him out. That did nothing more than throw him into the arms of the OW. It enabled the affair.

My husband hardly has any family left. A few cousins are all that are left. And as far as having him live here, whether it was a good choice or not, it's over now. He's moved out. He'll be back each day to take care of the pets and most of his stuff is still here, but beyond that, he won't be moving back in. Have I completely blown it?????

You suck it up and do it because you have faith that the husband you know and love is buried in there somewhere and eventually he will re-appear.

Don't misunderstand - you are not being a doormat. You let him know full well how much the A hurts and you do what you can to discourage it while meeting ENs and avoiding LBs.

There's no telling what WH is saying to OW.

I think in your situation OW needs to know that you love your Husband and want to save the marriage.

Don't make threats or lash out at her. Don't go on and on either.

Make it simple.

I didn't realize that my marriage was in trouble. I love my Husband dearly and wish to reconcile with him. We have X amount of years together. I don't want it to end this way. I am asking you to cut off all contact with him while we try to save our Marriage.

something like that.

It doesn't matter what she does after that. You're just planting a seed. As long as you don't come off as the crazy wife WH is probably making you out to be, this will penetrate. If she is a decent person, this will eat at her over time. If she's not it won't make a difference at all, but your truth will be heard and you won't have regrets.

If you can't handle talking to her, send her an email.

This isn't exactly MB advice, but my OM was single and a career home wrecker. I did this and it worked. A month later he dumped WW for good. It didn't save my marriage b/c WW was weak and jumped on the next guy happening along, but it did end the A.

That is EXCELLENT advice, and I have heard Dr. Harley and Steve give the very same advice for the reasons you gave. Most OPs don't want the trouble and very often they don't even KNOW the WS is married.

When I confronted my H's OW and told her he was very married and her affair was over, she immediately agreed to stop seeing him. Even though she was MARRIED, she was shocked and scandalized that my H would lie to her about his marital status! :MrEEk:

Slow down.
Take a breath.
There is A LOT you can do.
Please read what we write to you here.

OK. So, he's already gone and I've been spending the whole morning obsessing about how I should have let him stay. But I can't turn back the hands of time. So, please help me understand what the best scenario is at this point to get him back. He is fully engaged with the OW now - yes, the result of my asking him to leave is that the affair is now open and they are free to be together. But, they had planned on taking it slow and getting to know one another, even though they were pretty sure they had found their soulmates. So, in some ways, they are now living in a fantasy world of love after only 3 weeks. The rapid speed at which this "love" has exploded just doesn't seem that it can possibly last. He is acting and sounding like an adolescent. He is out of the security and comfort of his home, away from everything familiar. He will return each day, as I said before, but I won't be here when he does. Our house is beautiful and warm and he is sleeping on a cot in a friends house. How do you suggest that I act with him when we speak (should we speak at all?) or should it all be email. In other words, should I be in Plan B at this point? We have a lot to discuss and figure out, so we will have to be in touch, but I'm really lost here. The OW knew that he was married. I'm sure that he told her that he was very unhappy for a long time.