Hi -

I have an appointment with a lawyer on the 20th. A friend of mine referred me to him and I have spoken with him about my situation on the phone.

One of my main questions or issues is that I don't want DS exposed to WH and his girlfriend. Which means no overnights at the girlfriend's house with his "pretend" family (WH and girlfriend had a baby boy in December). The lawyer said that he could arrange that & also arrange that DS not be exposed to OW at all as long as WH and OW were NOT married.

The friend of mine who referred the lawyer said that I should do every other weekend for my sake. And so DS could bond with his Dad. That I would need some time for myself (right DS sees WH on Tue and Thur night and on Sunday afternoons) if I ever wanted to get out on the dating circuit. I am not worried about that right now, but I know God did not intend for me to be alone the rest of my life.....

WH has not once asked to have DS more than he gets him now. I know it is not my responsibility to make sure they bond. But maybe I'm not thinking this through right?

I'll post on the divorced/divorcing board too.....

Thanks for any helpful suggestions -

Kim

I don't think it's your resbonsibility to make your WH bond with your DS.

Great that a lawyer can guarantee no overnights with him and OM until they married. How so? Plenty on here would love that guarantee. Where do you live?

Vladie - this is VERY common in the USA.

AWESOME! I so wish they had that here!

I'm in the South....The lawyer feels that my WH has been quite "flagrant" with his actions and WH wouldn't want to go in front of a judge given the history.

WH is not one to "fight" for anything. He just takes it as it comes, only cares about himself and satisfying his needs. Sadly enough, I think that WH is spending all the time he wants to spend with DS. So, I don't think WH is going to oppose. Now when and IF WH and OW get married, there would have to be a new court order (I think) allowing overnights....

I'll have get those questions answered when I meet with the lawyer.

He wants a nice chunk of money as a retainer.

Hey Kim!

It sounds like it would be best to leave it as it is right now with regard to the schedule. If WH lives with OW than overnights are out of the question at this point.

Our papers said that children could not be around the OW until after divorce was final. ExH kept the kids at a motel on the weekends. The kids hated it.

Y'all have had this schedule for awhile and it works, right? Be prepared to revisit later as needed, maybe your WH will be worthy at some point and will be a better influence on your DS.

A little tid bit from my own sitch, if your have any tax debt, get that settled iron clad in the papers. It is three years post divorce, my Ex hasn't paid his taxes and I am still dealing with the IRS. Also, keep in mind, the IRS said they don't care what the divorce papers say, I should pay them and then sue ExH :RollieEyes: So just make sure all the debt stuff is settled to your satisfaction.

Just CYA!

Glad to see you taking a stand for yourself.

Thanks Jean -

I feel awful for DS though....should I say he needs overnights at a hotel??

The current schedule works fine for me except for when DS and I go on weekend overnight trips and I have to hurry back on Sundays. Also, DS has NOT wanted to go with WH lately. He said he gets bored and that WH sometimes yells at him... stuff like that.

How are your girls doing now? Do they somewhat like going to stay with your Ex now?? Does it ever get better for the kids?

Not quite sure what do do about debt. There is no tax debt. But, WH talked me into that second mortage so I guess that will have to be worked out. I plan on staying in the house for now.

Here's a question -- our first mortgage finance rate is due to adjust in 2010. Should I try to refinance now while mortgage companies would see us as a married couple still? Or should I wait until I am single? The lawyer is thinking to go ahead & just look into it but he said that it shouldn't make a difference on my ability to refinance if I am single or married. I just think the mortgage companies might see me as more of a risk if I am single.

The way the lawyer was talking.....I think he said I could "get" the house?? Not sure what that means.

Kim

Vladie, we haven't been completely morally retarded in the south yet. We are only halfway there!

Well there ya go! I knew the place had to be good for something, other than Elvis of course!

It hasn't gotten easier for the kids yet, they are still having trouble with their dad. Nothing major, they are just starting to see him in a way that messes up the "dad is king" theory that they have always had.

I see no reason for your DS to start having overnights now. Maybe later, your DS's needs may change or your WH may be in a better position to parent, but that is not the case right now-correct?

I have gone overboard trying to assist the father/daughter relationship my children have. It doesn't work, overcompensation, sugar coating the truth, minimizing the crap... none of it works, the kids see the truth.

As far as the house, my papers said I had two years to refinance in my name only. Won't your WH want his name off the house? I had trouble trying to refi by myself before the D was final, I had to wait until it was final so I could document his compliance with child support and such.

Yeah, as the kids get older I think they really put the pieces together. It's unfortunate that they have to experience this. Somehow there is a purpose though.

I have so many questions that are begininng to go through my mind about the D process though.....I posted the below on the Divorce forum:

Thanks - gives me more to think through....WH is giving me $$ every two weeks already. I am able to cover mortgage, bills, etc. I cover everything else with my income. We split car insurance, 2nd mortgage payment. In my initial phone consultation though, my lawyer said that CS would be LESS than what WH is giving me now. Only by about $60 or so a month.....but that was with me guessing what WH's income is now. He makes a good bit less than I do.

As far as custody is concerned, I am still torn....but lean towards requesting the schedule stays as is. I would be happy if WH asked to have DS do an overnight at a nearby hotel though. He has said he misses DS, but takes no action. He has always been "all talk" and no action, even when he was supposedly reconciling our M.

I feel like I still have a lot to decide before seeing the lawyer on Friday. Perhaps I'd like to move to the south side of town. I'd be an hour closer to my family and still only about 30 minutes from work.....

And has anyone changed back to their maiden name after divorcing (when they have children, it seems like most mom's keep their married name...)? I would love to go back to my maiden name but how would that effect DS as far as the question of "why does your mom have a different name than you?"


Jean --- what if I don't mention I am divorcing when I speak with the Mortage people??? Part of me says it would be dishonest, but if I do it before I file then techinically we would still be married????????? I don't know......If WH didn't know I had filed he would go along and do a refi. I feel VERY confident that he has no idea I am going to file. I believe he thinks I will not divorce him.

Kim

I am by no means an expert, just know what I went through with getting the mortgage in my name.

Are you suggesting you refi WITH WH, THEN file for D?

Aren't you going to have to refi AGAIN then, to get his name off the loan and title?

Jean -


Actually...I think just my name is on the mortgage right now. I will have to look. If I am remembering correctly, when we refinanced a while back he had less than a year at his job so he would not have helped the application.....I will have to look at that.

But if he is on the mortgage now, I would have to refi to get him off. No sense in doing it twice, huh?

Only two days left til I meet with the lawyer. I don't feel prepared at ALL.

Jean, did you change your name back to your maiden name??

Kim

Yeah, that was what I was trying to say, if his name is on the mortage AND title, you would have do it twice.

If it is all in your name (what about the deed/title), then I would do whatever is best for you. That may be refi while you are married IF they counted him as any income in your house.

I would just talk to the lawyer, but go ahead and find out tomorrow whose name is on the mortgage AND deed.

I did keep my married name. My married name is very generic, Smith, Jones, Black, etc. No big deal as far as feeling like I am still a part of Ex.

Personally, I don't think teachers think twice about kids having different names from Mom, these days I imagine it is pretty common. BUT, it is a definate "broken home flag" IMO. I wouldn't necessarily saddle a kid with the "broken home flag" unless there was a big issue involved, but that is just me.

I am sure there are alot of factors to consider.

Would you like to write some reason to change your name back? Maybe getting it down will help you make a decision.

Hi Jean -

I looked at my mortgage statement & it is just my name. But, I should call them to make absolutely sure. His name is still on the deed.

With the name thing -- I seriously don't want to carry his last name around with me. It's just a reminder to me of what a scumbag he is and that he drug me through this not once, but twice. That he not only betrayed me, but he betrayed his son. If I could, I would change DS's last name too. Part of me feels like if I could change both of our names, I could break this cycle. WH's Dad ditched his family when WH was about the same age DS is. I feel like it is up to me to make sure DS doesn't turn out like WH. I know that the name is just symbolic and has nothing to do with the way DS is going to turn out. It in part depends on how I raise DS and what I teach him from this.

The bottom line is that I feel that WH's name is a disgrace. This feeling has grown in the last month and probably has a great deal to do with WH having an OC. I might not even feel this way in another few months.

I did love my maiden name and would be proud to be known by my maiden name again. But, this is not all about me. It does also involve DS. So...I still need to think it through.

Thanks for your thoughts --

Kim

Lawyer day tomorrow. Here are my thoughts right now:

1) See why in world things just can't be written up in the Divorce Papers to continue as they have been as far as $$ and custody is concerned. WH has been fine with it, so why wouldn't he be fine with it for the D?? I don't think WH would contest that.

2) House - don't know if WH will go for this...but - Right now I am not sure what the house is worth. We got a 2nd mortgage and at the time there was still some equity left in the house. With the market the way it is now, I am not sure if there is any equity left. So I am thinking of offering to take on the second mortgage payments as a "buy out" on the house. Is that even doable legally?

It is not likely, that I will just get the house awarded to me outright -- is that correct??

Should I tell my lawyer that the OW is a lawyer?? And her brother???

Kim,

In my situation, there was a first and second mortgage and very little equity in the house, mainly due to the condition of the house itself, not the market.

I had real estate agent casually give me a figure on what she could sell it for as WH left it. I would have paid for formal estimate if need be.

But, as it was, there was minimal equity. I agreed to have house refinanced in my name only within two years and WH signed off his rights to it and we did the quit claim after the refi went through.

If your home has little equity in it, your WH should have no reason to fight you over the house. (But you know how those waywards can be).

Did you file taxes jointly for 2008? Do you have WH's income info? Make a list of all debts, assets, etc for attorney. Maybe type of a quick synopsis of events for the lawyer to help him keep everything straight in his head.

I would have as much info handy, even info about the OW.

It was me having OW served with papers that finally got my WH to stop thinking I was in the mood to negotiate with him.

Good luck tomorrow!

I don't know what is legal where you are. I think I told you before, where I am we can write our own agreement splitting assets and custody any way we like - provided we both agree. If we can't agree, it gets decided by formula (50/50 for everything monetary).

Just in case you have any kind of leverage this way, this is what I did regarding my house. I'll give you a little background as well. My house was an old fixer-upper when we bought it. We did a few things the first few years and then I got a job for which I had to commute. Nothing got done after that. WstbxH was in an EXTREME hurry to get things settled - OW had been kicked out of her home by OWH (it was the 2nd affair he caught her in). Initially he tried to get me to sign over the house to him, claiming that I always wanted to move closer to my work anyway. I almost did it - then I found out about OW (he initially asked for a D, swearing up and down there was no A). Well, I guess I had a mother-bear type of response and there was NO WAY she was getting MY house. So, WstbxH's next plan was to sell the house immediately, as is. Now honestly, though it needed work, most of it was cosmetic - painting and such. I suggested doing the work first and then selling, but nope, he wanted out ASAP. So I said fine - if you won't do that, then we can divide assets based on the price we paid for the house 10 years earlier. I told him that as is, we'd be lucky to get that. He agreed and left with next to nothing as a buyout (after subtracting debts etc). I drew up and wrote everything myself, and when he agreed, I took it to my lawyer to get the legalese added in (he was pretty miffed that he had to wait for this step).

In your case, I would suggest making the case that your house and whatever equity in it is either non-existent or even in the negative. If all you have to do is simply take over payment, then that makes his life easier. Waywards just want their drug - they don't want to have to do any work for it. If it is legal to settle this on your own terms, I would approach it this way. Once it is signed off, then you are free and clear.

For the record, I sold my house last fall for a nice profit (after painting and doing minor repairs). I managed to do it before the housing market crashed up here. I'm living with a friend now and I've just closed on a REALLY REALLY nice house that was practically "on sale" given the current conditions. Life has a way of working out!

Kim,

Just thinking about you and hoping the lawyer visit went well and eases your mind a little.