LB:

Lets parse this sentence:



Very, Very Good.


IF you have emailed your wayward husband, STOP THAT. Work with your attorney and your attorney will do all the notifications that wayward husband needs to get.
If your wayward Husband said that he was going to sign it, (what?) then leave it at that. He HAS TO SIGN NOTHING. Your attorney will have him served with the divorce papers, either at his new place, his work, his OW's place, heck, the gas station if need be. You should have NO ROLE in this. Let the attornet handle it. Your WH ain't signing anything. He doesn't have to.


His promises mean nothing. He doesn't HAVE to come and get "his things". YOU can drop them at his place. Send him a email that states, I delivered your stuff to your place at 2:00pm today. And leave it at that. You can put all his stuff in the garage. Throw a blanket over it, and tell him THAT. Whatever. He does NOT have to come into your place anymore to get his "stuff" Put all his "stuff" OUT of your place. No more promises. You just DO.

LG

Yes, you can figure out how to stop it. If you can't then you ARE stupid. How do you stop it? YOU STOP IT.


Here are some words of wisdom: STOP IT.

Strength is a CHOICE, not a magic feeling that attacks some and not others. It is a CHOICE. And it is all in your power.

Weakness is a CHOICE that comes from WITHIN. Strength is a CHOICE that comes from within. No one else can make you CHOOSE to be weak or strong. You have to make those choices all on your own.

You talk alot about your feelings, but they are irrelevent to this issue. You have bigger fish to fry.

Littlebit--

I am in the same place as you. My WH has cheated on me 4 times in the last 4 years. He's trying to "decide" whether to choose OW or me. We're both in individual counseling, and have attended one marriage counseling (how can it be marriage counseling when the person is still having an affair? Thankfully, that was the first statement of the counselor...)

But my eyes are open this time. I did it ALL WRONG last time. I didn't expose, didn't hold him accountable, and basically didn't respect myself. It's no wonder I'm back at this place--I enabled it.

So what am I doing now that is different? I am taking charge. I got my own bank account and credit card; I moved all of the retirement accounts and changed the passwords (they are MINE, after all!). I EXPOSED. I have friends and family backing me up for the very hard job of going to plan B--WH, of course, has no idea. EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT THE AFFAIR (and he is a physician--his reputation is at risk, to put it mildly). He can't hide anymore.

I'm not quite ready for plan B (some monies still need to be transferred, and I'm fortunate beyond belief that I have help in this area, I know), but it is coming by the end of the month. He thinks that I am "waiting" for his decision.

He has no idea who I am.

You can do this too. Please don't let this go any longer. My situation is complicated because I have two young kids--but in a sense, it has been made clear to me that I cannot model ANY sort of behavior for my kids if I am waffling about such basic rights for self-respect.

I wish you the best of luck as you go through this. (((littlebit)))

I went to the attorney and she said it would be best if we could agree to the divorce terms and file uncontested divorce. That's why I sent him the request of what I wanted so he could sign it and I could get the attorney to draw up the papers for much cheaper.

I told him I was changing the locks on the house and putting his stuff on the porch. Well he got pissed and starting ranting about how he pays for the house to and he can come there whenever and not to put his stuff out on the porch like he was some animal. That he had rights. I asked the attorney about this and she said legally he can come there until divorce is started. How is that fair I don't know? Especially since he has been gone about 3 weeks.

I am afraid he will get violent if I play hard ball. He has already put holes in our wall, broken a bathroom mirror, destroyed our computer monitor, too many other things. Never has hit me but I'm sure he would one day if this went on.

What is the difference between a weak woman and a strong woman:

Some choose to be weak, some choose to be strong.

Mel--I don't know if I am weak or strong (probably both); I just know I HAVE to do this right this time...for me, and for my kids.

Then file for divorce.


Change the locks and buy a PISTOL.

Umm, littlebit, you are afraid he WILL get violent? If he is putting holes in your wall, breaking things..and you think he MIGHT hit you--he already IS.

You need to protect yourself! PLEASE.

ccphoenix,

I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds very similar to mine. My husband cheated (that I know of) 4 times since we've been married and we've only been married 6 years. And I knew nothing about any of it until the 2 year affair girl told me everything.

I am lucky we never had children. He can't have children, we tried in-vitro twice and you know he had a girlfriend during that time too. I have an 11 year old sister that he and I have been raising for years. He thinks of her as a daughter and I'm not sure if I let him have a relationship with her or just cut off everything with him. I don't want to hurt her but at the same time I don't want her to be around someone who could do the things he does.

Fortunately, I do make more money than he does so I am not worried about any of that either. I really just want my sanity back. I was once a very strong person and would have never put up with this crap. I have to get that girl back. But there are times that the depression takes over and the sadness of it all. I plan on getting some medication tomorrow so I can get my head thinking strait and quit worrying about the feelings.

Are you planning on divorcing him?

I did finally change the locks yesterday! I didn't want him to be coming over during the day while I was working. and he would. He's been doing that since he left.

But he will be pissed as hell when he finds out I changed the locks. He thinks he can come and go as he pleases with out any consequences. But this time it isn't happening. He doesn't want me to "bother" him, well he doesn't need to "bother" me at my home even if he helped pay for it. I was a part of this marriage and he didn't seem to care about that so he can kiss my you know what!

I'm mad now!!!!!

Thanks!

littlebit,

You don't know me, but I'm old enough to be your mother. Like everyone else on this board, I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and hardly ever advise divorce. In your case, though, there is no alternative. No hope for a good life for you at all, unless you dump this emotional meat grinder and get yourself some counseling. You need help to heal (and to assure that you don't get taken by another abuser down the line).

You are 29 years old. Do you realize how much of life is ahead of you? You've There is so much AHEAD if you will just feel your fear and break free anyway. Acknowledge that you made a youthful mistake that only YOU can correct.

This guy has owned your soul since you were a naive 17-year-old. Now you are grown-up. Remaining naive will cost you the rest of your life. Recognize that the man you married is a snake, and HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Reclaim yourself!

Gather up your courage and end the abuse. Get that lawyer moving, and tell your loser H you're putting all his stuff in storage--and then DO IT. Put it in his name and have the bill sent to him wherever he's living at the moment.

After that, simply refuse to talk to him again. DO NOT answer his phone calls, his emails, or the door when he shows up. Change the locks! If he harrasses you, tell your lawyer to make it stop. You've got a good job. You can afford to do this.

While you're reclaiming your life, get yourself checked for STD's. If he hasn't given you one already, count yourself lucky. If he has, get it treated. This man could easily KILL you or render you sterile with an STD! Each time you sleep with him you're playing Russian roulette with your very life. Why would you continue to do THAT when you have other, healthier options?

This man will play you till the day you die, miserable and broken, if you let him. Get out now.

Right Here Waiting

LB:

It was NICE of your attorney to state that it is CHEAPER if you do it this way or that.

So What.

Tell your attorney that "this is what I want" and then tell them to DO IT.

The cost for uncontested divorce is, IDK, $1,000?
The cost for contested divorce is, IDK, $10,000?

Guess what? You tell your lawyer to sue your WH for the fees. That brings party boy to the table quicker. Because you can win on this point. Especially if he delays or makes the process difficult.

Have your attorney draw up the paperwork and then have it delivered to your WW. Whether he signs it or not is out of your hands. This is the fight that he started. Your just going to end it.

Have your Attorney file a restraining order on him. Him braking that many things is enough in most states to get an RO. Tell her about it. And that's why you want him not to enter your home.

He feels like an animal if you leave his stuff on the porch? Well boo-hoo. He wants it, he better get it quick, cause its gone from your place.

Oh, and about the attorney fee? How much more mental anguish are you willing to put up with for $1,000? How much physical abuse are you willing to suffer? $2,000? $3,000?

Really, that isn't a rude question. Because your attorney is there to protect you. They MAY charge you alot of money. But, that fee may be VERY SMALL to your overall potential costs from this.

Think about that. Because after the fact, you might be saying, "IF ONLY I had agreed to pay the attorney a little more, I wouldn't be in this hospital bed."

And I would really rather not have you have to think that.

I would rather you think "I did what I had to do, to protect myself and my future"

LG

little bit,

I must've been typing while you were relating that you'd changed the locks. Good girl.

Good to hear you're mad, too. About time.

Get that divorce moving, pronto! You've got the money! What good is money if your life isn't worth living??? And get WH to pick up as much of the tab as the lawyers can arrange. HE caused this mess...let him pay for the "freedom" he's been taking at no cost to himself, so far. Then he can do whatever he wants and YOU WON'T CARE.

Be the woman he has underestimated!

Quickest way to get over caring, BTW, is Plan B. Don't talk to him. Don't see him. Block him on your email and change your phone numbers. Alert HR and security at your office. You don't want him coming there to harrass you.

Have you asked your lawyer about a restraining order? Seems to me you certainly have grounds.

Stay tough, girl. This is your LIFE you are reclaiming!

Right Here Waiting

Hi littlebit--

I'm a bit older than you--40--but certainly no wiser. I found out four years ago about the first set of 2 affairs, came here, got a lot of great advice, and DID NOTHING. So really it should be no surprise this happened again. We have been married 12 years....much more time and much more damage that has accumulated.

Am I divorcing him? I'm starting the process, like you: I have spoken to some attorneys and am going through the various options; again with kids it's a bit more complicated.

But there is a part of me that wonders, with help, would I find that original person that I fell in love with. And there is another part of me that wonders exactly WHO it was I fell in love with--a serial cheater? a man who lied to me for such a long time? Part of the counseling sessions now are to help me understand the relationship--and yes, my role in creating a situation that would make him feel the way he did. This man will be their father, and I can only hope that he gets to a point of healing that he can be a good parent; however, he is showing no signs of that at this point.

I don't know if my marriage can be put back together. And I do know that this farce, this JOKE of a marriage that I have been in is now dead. I have no desire to go back to that world anymore--and if that is what he wants to go back to, my answer...is NO. Actions speak louder than words do, and he has not shown me ANYTHING by his actions so far. I take that back--he has shown me PLENTY about what he is and how he sees our family (or not) by what he has done.

It took me 40 years to grow a backbone! I think you have a wonderful opportunity, at the age of 29, to reclaim your life back, to get yourself out of the depression (been there, done that) and to grow into the person you were always meant to be.

But just like me, you have to MOVE. And it sounds like you are doing it--good for you on the door locks. And if he gets nasty--CALL THE POLICE. SET UP A RESTRAINING ORDER. My WH has never become violent in that way (although who knows what might be coming down the pike), but you have some history in this area.

And tell your friends. Tell your parents. The AD's should help (although it could very well be that the depression is CAUSED by the awful situation...and getting out will help). You might be surprised--I sure was. I thought they would condemn me for being a bad wife. Instead they have backed me 100%.

You guys are helping me get out of this "poor me" funk. I was certainly in it. I am so mad mostly at myself for allowing him to treat me like this. And mad I didn't walk away 18 months ago when I found out the first time.

He really doesn't care. Our friends have said for years what a selfish person he is and how I could put up with him. He has some serious insecurities and I think he is a narcassit. Only living for whatever makes him happy. I know I'll be so glad this happened now and not when I was much older. I can finally move on and possibly have the family I've always wanted b/c I would never have had that with him. I need to find out who I am without him in my life as a crutch.

Funny thing is I told him Friday night after I saw him with that girl I was going to suponea his cell phone records(company phone) and all of a sudden he changed to giving me our home at what we owe which happens to be about 60K less than it's worth and I get everything else. He's taking his truck and clothes, that's it. Maybe I scared him b/c he's been cheating while he was supposed to be working. He doesn't have an office job and a lot of days he was at her house. I think he knows if he fights me he'll lose his job and frankly I don't care if he does but only AFTER he signs the papers.

I hope karma is a bi**h to him. And if he tries to be ugly I will file a restaining order, hopefully all the broken mirrors and holes will help with that.

This is the language of a woman who chooses STRENGTH. Instead of feeling sorry for herself and pretending she is someone's victim, she accepts responsibility for her OWN HAND in her plight. And once you accept the responsibility for getting your self into the mess, you can then accept responsibility for getting yourself OUT.

Go apologize to the lady in the mirror for getting yourself into this mess. And promise her you will get her out. Because you are STRONG.

It goes both ways--the empowering, I mean.

You don't know how much it has helped me to read your thread. To stay strong (and I am the MASTER of wishy washy waffling!), to stay focused on what is right...is really really hard.

Stay tough and focused. I'm going to do the same.

(((littlebit))))

Well my situation has gotten very ugly. I got an email from his mother, who is a crazy nut. She was going off telling me that I was a lying manipulative little girl and how I better stay away from her son and his mistress or she is going to call the sheriff and file a restraining order against me. This is his mom who had an affair on his father for over 10 years & she's actually condoning his behavior. I wish the email wasn't so long or I'd post it. It was VERY ugly and I am kind of glad she put it in print because she was threatening me. I have a really bad feeling that while I am at work today he will come by here and discover the locks have been changed and then i'm going to have to deal with his crazy mom and him. Gosh I wish this would just be over!!!

take that e-mail and give it to your attorney, show it to the police and get a restraining order against your stbxh AND your stbx MIL. And I mean do it now! Today. HOW DARE THEM!!!!!

You don't have to put up with this abuse anymore.

You MUST protect yourself.

Then I would subpoena those cell records and go for broke. You certainly don't need this kind of abuse and it is time you stood up for yourself.

Please protect yourself before this situation escalates.

You need to be as serious as a heart attack right now. NO MORE ABUSE!!! You deserve better, you are WORTHY!!!

Geez, this kind of stuff just gets my blood boiling!

(((((hugs))))

Love in Christ,
Miss M