I am just checking in after all this time. My former post (thread) was "I feel like the other woman in my own marriage". It has been a year and a half since my d- day. I got a lot of great advice here. I tried to follow it. My reluctance was involving my children in this ugly situation. I did stick with it for as long as I could. Over the last year we have had many times that I have been asking him to go ahead and leave. He has done the emotional thing,the I love you thing,the angry thing, the depression thing. He has played all angles of this to drag it out as long as possible. I have continued to be put in very ackward positions. I have endured having my heart broken time and time again. The one thing that is missing is that in all this time he has never said "I will do anything to keep my marriage" He continues to say he loves me, and just says I have never left, and I don't think I ever could. I cannot tell you how many times and how DIRECTLY I have said exactly what needs to happen. At this point he just does not speak about it. I could say anything and ask any question, and he could just literally have no response. It is ridiculous right!!! Well I have finally had it. I know he will just keep me here as his wife and his childrens mother and continue with her forever. Right now I just have to plan my next course of action and wonder what advice you have. I asked him last week if he had gotten her a gift, card or seen her for Valentines day. He said no. (he usually does tell at least part of the truth.) I know he did. I saw the receipt. After I confronted him (from my phone) last night he finally said "yes I did and I put it on her car. She is going through a really rough time...It wasn't sappy or anything just to let her know I am still her friend." Little does he know when I saw the receipt I went and bought the card, so I know just how sappy it is. Just don't know whether to just ask him to leave on his own again...or call a lawyer and get some kind-of seperation papers. I am really broke till I get my tax return.

Welcome back.

I don't plan on posting a ton of advice for you. I did that before and you weren't willing to do anything.

I will tell you that I feel much sympathy for you and your situation. I thought it was more hopeful than most -- but you weren't willing to stand up for yourself.

(((hugs)))

I'm sorry your H is still an insensitive jerk and only confesses when caught. I'd contact a lawyer right away and find out what your rights are. If having WH in the house wears you down, then ask him to leave. If you have children, his leaving may be a plus in your corner. Would he refuse to financially support you if he left? It comes down to what you can handle. If you know he's going to work you over by staying there, that's not worth your sanity.

But he still has not done the N/C thing!

Until he does N/C all else at this point is plan doormat as long as you allow the A to continue without any action on your part!

I would recommend a plan of action that includes seeing an Attorney ASAP, filing for legal seperation or divorce (whichever the attorney feels will work best, you can always drop the D if you reconcile) reading up on Plan B and implementing ASAP, packing up his clothes only and setting them out the front door of the house.

My wife (SexyMamaBear) called me and told me to pick up my clothes the day she packed em up, she also let me know that she had scheduled the Salvation Army to pick them up the next day to prevent any delays. Kind of caused my fantasy world to start crashing in around me.

First of all...I don't know what was stopping me. I have always been very independent (only child) and strong. I had just really also always been super focused and heading in the direction I had planned for my future. I have never been very confident in my decisions though, and I guess I really felt like this was such a big decision to be wrong on. When it would have an impact on my kids. I guess I just finally realize that I just can't change this any other way. I agree with what all three of you said. Lex...I know you really wanted to help me...I really was trying to accept your help. Actually the weekend after your last post advising me along with others advising me to Plan B. He told me he was going to have a drink with her. I told him if he was he wasn't coming home. I waited at the fields forever, but when I got home he was still here. Left and came back here. (That was probably September) I know that I will need the Plan B letter, or papers from the attorney to have him realize I mean this. I have said it so many times...he has even agreed he would find someplace, just never happens. btw he still hasn't been drinking...so that wasn't the problem.

Black raven...He says no matter what he wants his kids to stay here. He says he will make sure that happens. So I think He will be a good supportive father but....I had always thought he was a great husband for my life also...so who knows. It is like walking on eggshells here. He sleeps in the guest room at this point. (unacceptable) I know the kids have to be suffering from not understanding that situation. I am going to do all I can to increase what I earn so that I won't have to be so dependent on him.

tst: I wish I could go back in time and be as strong as your wife. Hind sight is 20/20. I wish I wasn't sitting here wasting my life waiting for my husband to warp back into himself. So much wasted time! (I love that song...always have, ironic huh...?) I am just going to go call. Right now...

Do you want a plan?

Will you follow it?

Yes I do....I hope I will follow through. I just went out to the car to get a number of a friend of mine from hs that is an attorney and actually handles mostly divorces. Just not quite sure what to even ask him.

SI,

Don't want to kick you while you are down but you are looking for answers.

Why would you stay with a WH that would do this to you? Why would you allow yourself to be a doormat? There must be issues with low self-esteem and with fear. Fear of living life without WH. Fear of what happens to your children. You cannot let fear run your life and push you into bad situations and decisions!!

Do you think you are modeling a healthy relationship for your children? No, you are teaching them that it is ok to be a doormat and to allow someone else to walk all over you. If you care about your children's future relationships then teach them to be strong and to not allow others to walk all over them. Teach them this by example. Show them. You are not helping them at all by allowing their mother to be trampled on by WH.

Do your children know about WH's A? Who else knows? Family? Friends? Did you expose? If you haven't exposed then why not?

You can do this! Time to let your inner strength surface! Stop allowing your decisions to be dictated by fear! Start making decisions that are in the best interest of you and your children. There is another way. You can get there. We are here to help.

Mindshare

Well here's my very best advice:

Decide what you want.

If you still want your marriage don't call that attorney -- call Steve Harley.

It will cost you a couple hundred bucks (so will the attorney) but at least Steve will give you a very detailed plan to attack this affair.

Maybe if you PAY for the advice you will feel an obligation to follow it...



If you decide you DON'T want this marriage any more, then call the attorney. I'll be sad for you. And I will wish that we had somehow gotten through to you last year. But you still get ((hugs)) cuz this sucks for all of you (you and the kiddos -- WH can go **** himself)

Just curious, but what has been happening since August when you last posted? Is it just more of the same? He talks to her (probably sneaks around to see her) and gives you 10% honesty?

And you believe 10% and keep checking out his stories and lovebusting him when you catch him in lies?

This affair has been going on for over 3 years from what I gather (I just went back and read your previous thread)

What happened to her selling her house and moving?

Does everyone (his mother, etc) just accept his affair? Or do they still believe its just a friendship?

Have you considered telling the children what is really going on?
I personally think its your responsibility as a parent to keep them away from toxic people (especially serial cheaters who are trying to wreck their home...)

And lastly have you come up with a really good nickname for the skanky ho?

That is absolutely what has motivated me. I was raised by just my mom, we were very poor. Then my abusive step dad came along and financially things were better, but I definately don't want my children to be brought up in that toxic environment. So they are my reason for realizing that I am the only way out of this. I cannot count on him because he is not thinking of my best interest. That's also why it was so important to me to make this work. I soooo wanted them to grow up with a mother and father and loving family. I had dreamed of that all my life. Now I realize I will just have to acheive that for them another way. Through my strong love and the love of their father...just not the whole package.

wth (White trash ho) I love that song cheater, cheater! I would like to dedicate it to her. Yes her life is still a wreck...she lost her house and has just moved into a little rented apartment. Then last night when he told me he was trying to cheer her up, he said she was living in a [censored] and now she lost her job. I told him that if this was all still going on and he really cared about her how could he possibly keep me in this horrible position and how could he let all of that happen to her if he cared for her. (what an ***hole right?) I don't feel bad for her at all, I do feel for her kids, it sucks for them. I asked if that doesn't shine some light for him on what kind of person she is. I think that is her 10th job in the last year... He said no, she was laid off....I told him when you have 10 jobs in a year it is not called "laid-off" It is because her employers know she is not loyal trustworthy and hard-working. Furthermore, her own parents wouldn't let her move in when she was finding a place. what does that tell you? My step dad and I aren't even on speaking terms, and if I needed a place to go they would let me stay with four kids as long as I needed.

In all this time it has justbeen more of the same all this time. He really does live his own seperate life. He tries to keep our friendship and talks and hugs me just no relationship talk. No matter how many times I say that is not good enough for me.

We should be getting our taxes back soon. I fugured that is when I could say to go. I will put that money in my own account and keep track for both of us where every penny goes. Of course he will use some of course to get someplace. When I got the card, I was thinking the whole hour drive home about just packing up all his stuff taking it somewhere he can get it...walking inside and handing him a letter that says I have changed the locks anything you need from the house let me know and I will get it to you. I will put the "not sappy" letter in with it! (He will s*it his pants) That's why I would do it at work just so he can't flip out.

btw that new place is about 2 miles from my house.

and yes his best friend, mother and stepdad, brother and sister in-law, and even an old boss know. I think the whole comminity knows at this point also, but no one is stepping in everyone is just staying out of it. His old boss did try to talk to him one day. He was very angry cause he found out through somone I confided in. He was very upset and felt very attacked and told me one thing and just recently I saw that person again and she let me know that he had lied to him and told him that he had just had dinner with her.

"No matter how many times I say that is not good enough for me."

Talk is cheap and meaningless. You try to establish a boundary and the let him obliterate it. He doesn't believe that you have the strength or courage to move on without him. So, you are destined to continue in your misery until YOU do something about it! You deserve better. Your children deserve better. You are not helping them by staying in this incredibly disrespectful and hurtful relationship. You are not being the mom you can and should be. You need a plan as Lexxy has said and you need to have the courage to follow it.

Mindshare

I struggle everyday to find the answers. I try to be more consistant and have my own children take me more seriously. It is so funny that in a matter of a few posts someone could be able to sum me right up, but you did. I have always been a very level-headed thinker, but never very confident. I can be forceful and stern all I want and still struggle to be taken seriously. I am hoping that that will be my gift of dealing with all this pain. A new confidence in myself and my decisions. Maybe although I always seemed to others to have it together, I just really needed to grow up! I am going to do this. I do deserve more. I want my children to have a good moral sense of what is right and what is wrong. I will leave you these things that have helped me:

My struggle is REAL to ME

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

SI,
It's good that you are determined to make a change.

Since talk falls on deaf ears, what actions are you going to take to ensure that things change?

Unless you have a concrete boundary with actions that you are willing to take if that boundary is crossed, then your post about being determined to make changes is just more empty talk. I want better for you.

What is your boundary (or boundaries)?
What are you going to do when the boundary(ies) is crossed?

They stay out of it because they are following YOUR lead. At this point, exposing again will do no good. The only thing I can see changing anything is you packing up all his crap, putting it out on the driveway, changing the locks, and calling him at work and telling him to come pick up his stuff because the Salvation Army is coming tomorrow to get it. (I love that idea!)

Do this for your kids. The only way you'll ever get him back is if you show some backbone, and stop letting him eat cake.

I agree with Cat -- exposure is null and void.
Its dribbled out via gossip and won't be effective or shocking.

Thats why I think you need a professional plan ala Steve Harley.
This affair has been going on for 3 years, your husband is becoming detached from you, and you haven't implemented any marriage builder plans.

You seriously need a direction to follow. If you still want this marriage you need to take action NOW.

Call Steve Harley. Can you commit to that?