Hi - am new here. I'm on the receiving end of this. My husband is in Iraq and has been having an affair. I have enough evidence to know for sure but I get the typical "only a friend", "emotional confusion" garbage and lies that accompany this issue. I do have a question....what is the general consensus as to whether to address it while he's still there or sit on it and try to pretend all is fine. He knows that I know - although I think he feels he has me fooled that nothing really happened but I am not stupid. He's her boss, no one in command has done squat, he has lied to me for 9-months, ignored the kids for part of that and I'm just supposed to take him back him and act like it was all OK??????? This deployment has ruined my marriage and now he is a pathological liar. Is an affair handled differently when there's this distance? Do I just sit tight and wait for him to get home to tell him it's got to end? HELP!!!

What evidence do you have?

hi...first of all don't think you are at the receiving end of anything youa re a grown up and sensible individual who is perfectly capable of running her life and you are already doing a great job without him aren't you?

and if you rae very sure about his cheating and having an affair then you should not sit on it at all...i am sure there must be some rules and regulations in Military about this kind of behavior you must approach the concerened persona nd report it...make him pay the price and let him know he can't fool you around...

rest you deserve much more than him and better than him so treat yourself fairly and don't surrender to life move on and grab what the future holds for you and kids..All the best

skagel,

I am a retired AF NCO. If your H is having a personal relationship with someone in his chain of command, he's violating the UCMJ. You should probably go to his 1st sgt, if no response, go to commander, and on up the chain of command until you get response. Document everything and make sure you have evidence. H is not supposed to befriend subordinates or have "emotional confusion" about them...it undermines their authority and puts the unit at risk.

Don't act too hasty. I don't mean do nothing by this. I mean that you MUST have solid proof. Emails and pictures might be enough to convince a commander, but you need more than just your word against his.

You need to gather your proof and present it to his commander.

The steps here are all the same. Get your evidence and then expose to everyone under the sun that can put pressure on the affair. That means you expose to your family, his family, his chain of command, and especially to the OW's husband/family.

But you need some solid proof, such as emails between them alluding to being more than just friends.

I'm sorry you're here. I was on the other end of this when I was in. I was deployed when my now ex cheated while I was gone.

Keep the faith. We're here to support you.

I don't have emails as he's in Iraq - I have evidence of the gifts he has bought her including romance novels of the place she vacationed as a child and expensive feminine items from Levenger; she sent him a gift to our house knowing he's not here with an "anonymous" cute note - I called the vendor and they told me it was from her and someone in Iraq set up a fake FB identity and has been sending me messages about their affair. Those are the tangible items I have - he has lied about a ton, caught him doing weird things on FB - ie pics of her but not of the family so I realize that's all circumstantial; admitted to the emotional confusion, have caught him in lies still...and I just know. I realize it may not be enough for UCMJ...he is the Brigade Surgeon of the clinic she's one of his PAs so NO ONE looks over him enough from above to know this is an issue. I don't want to ruin his career - well, sometimes I do, but I do want this to end. He says he'll come home and see if we "click" and go from there. I suspect it's still going on and is an affair of convenience but am not sure what to do. I have a call with Jennifer Harley Sunday to discuss this as it makes it tougher when he thousands of miles away from home. We've been married 14-yrs, 2 kids. It seems the Army is really lax on creating an environment that discourages affairs. They almost seem to turn a blind eye unless you are literally caught in the act. I get that but why not make it tougher? I guess I'm in plan A right now but am not sure if I can start PLan A is he's not here???? Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?

Hope you will stay on one thread. Otherwise it gets too confusing.

My FWH and I are both retired COLs from the Army. Here are some of our thoughts.

1. If there is an affair that can be proven, both your WH and the OW are violating General order No. 1. This is a court martial offense that could lead to your WH getting up to one year confinement. This rarely happens. Usually, at a minimum there could be an article 15, non-judicial punishment by the division commander, a fine, and papers filed in the permanent military record. This would essentially end his military career.

2. Because your H is an officer who is on the Brigade staff, his immediate boss is a COL. It seems as though someone in country knows about the A and is feeding you the information. Or perhaps it is the OW doing this in an effort to break your marriage. I mention this because of the gift delivered anonymously to your house that you were able to trace to her.

3. It would seem as if your circumstantial evidence would be enough to start an investigation in country. That in itself could have the effect of ending the A since there would be other people watching the two of them. Contacting the IG or Bde commander with the information you have should be enough to start an informal investigation.

4. Do you have much of a family support group where you are? If so, you may want to talk to the Bde Commander's wife and lay out your concerns. She will be able to quietly influence what is going on in country.

It is difficult to know what to do when your H is far away. Even if you expose the A, you really won't have a way to know whether it has broken up or not.

I am so sorry this is happening to your family and that I don't have better advice for you.

AM