Hi guys. I will try to put my update in a nutshell (which I'm sure I'll fail at).

Told H of the affair last night. Kids were very obedient and stayed out of sight through it all. I did tell my oldest two, today, that marriage is like a hike (we like the outdoors) and that sometimes the trail gets really steep and hard and you want to just give up, but when you make it through the tough spots, you get the reward of making it to the top of the mountain and drinking in the view. I said that marriage is a journey, much like a hike, and that Mom and Dad are in a tough place right now, but that we'll make it through, not to worry. They're such great kiddos; they younger two are completely oblivious, of course.

If you like the highlights, here they are:
* H and I are determined to make the marriage work. He is not going to divorce me, though he has that rite.
* (Maybe this is TMI?) H and I have been incredibly intimate, as if the wall that has separated us for 12 years has been torn down. Our "marriage bed" is almost like a sacred healing ground for us, we spend a lot of time there.
* H is going through all the range of emotions, but leans on me heavily for support (details below for sense of this)
* H threatened the OM today, in person! (details below)
* H and I are having very open communication; we even went shopping together today for DD's birthday(I am aware that he may just be in shock and may explode later, but for NOW, this is how things are going)
* Working on Plan B


Note: If anyone has a husband who has/likes guns, please make sure that you hide his guns before you break the awful news of your affair to him! I got a bit nervous last night with some of the things H was saying and asked him early in our conversation, "Do I need to hide the guns?" and he very seriously said, "You'd better." That was intense. So, if anyone can benefit from this info, please do (and don't just hide the guns, take them to a trusted person's house so they are completely out of yours).

Thanks to you prayer warriors out there, things are going better than I could have ever imagined. I don't know if they'll stay this way, but I am truly AMAZED at how things are going right now. Instead of our home being the battlefield I was expecting, there is much peace here--like we're at a hospital for treatment and not on the front lines waging war.


For the Detail people:

H did something very much like an A to me early (as in within the first 2 weeks)in our marriage. W/o the details, the things he did to me caused me to have the same responses that a BS has. Much like you all say to not leave out any pertinent details in telling what happened when revealing the A, H left out one VERY important detail with me--he kept if from me for 12 years until counseling last month, where it came out--that one little detail that had tortured me for years. I had a panic attack when he spoke said detail and almost vomited and passed out. After our pastor/counselor left, I curled up in the fetal position on the floor and sobbed for hours. All this to say that I have walked the lonely valley of being a BS (quite literally for 12 years).

With my anger brewing from the above, I 'gave in' to what was only a budding EA and, with a revenge-laden fury from hell, let it rip into a PA. Thus, I made the biggest mistake of my entire life. I share that with you to share this:

Because of this history, my H and I are completely able to understand each other--completely--at this point in time. He is so angry with me, rightfully so, but at the same time he says, "I set the stage for this (the affair). I want to be angry and hate you, but I know that I'm to blame, too; I'm responsible for this, too." Knowing how he's feeling (the incredible hurt, anger, disgust, yet still loving me and needing me), I also know how to care for him. And having the tables turned where he is on the "receiving end," he also knows (now) how I feel. (He is also ashamed of how he treated me as I suffered through these past years with him telling me to "just get over it, why can;t I just let it go?") It's the weirdest thing...In a way, it's oddly beautiful (and no, I am not on drugs). Who better to share your intimate pain than your spouse, the one you love the most, also the one who's hurt you the most? I wish I could explain this, but words fail me.

He did go to the gym today and threaten OM, as he knew that today was a marathon training day, and was hoping OM would be there; he was. Let's just say that the NC letter doesn't have to be written. OM lied to H and said, "I thought you two were separated." H says he doesn't remember all he said, but that OM was scared. I'll bet! H is a very well, even-tempered man, so to see his very calculated anger is a terrifying thing.

Overall, though this process is a gut-wrenching one, I'm so glad you guys encouraged me to tell of the A. (THANK YOU!) I'm not being whimsical or have my head in the clouds when I say that already our M is at a deeper, better level. Though H is overcome with emotions that change faster than the clock ticks, we both have a sense of hope; just a sliver for H, but hope nonetheless.

Maybe someone wants to whack my with a 2X4 and say that I AM on drugs with all my talk of soft fuzzies--I'd still appreciate the input. I do not think that I am glossing the situation, though.

I know this road will be long and tough, but I am set for the course, come he77 or high water. I have never really understood what marriage really means until now (grew up in a home with several failed marriages, abuse, affairs, etc.). I have never had an unconditional love for my H until now. I have never really understood forgiveness in its fullest until now. May I continue to be an apt student!

I don't know what tomorrow, or next week, or next month will bring, but I am thankful for what I have this day.

Thank you guys for seeing me through to this point in my life.

bbb, you did good. I would strongly suggest that you do follow through and send the OM that letter if your H approves. That will be a good will gesture to him.

I know you are relieved that you have survived the confession, but I have to warn you that the next 6 months might be a little rocky. Your H is going to go through hell, but I suspect your attitude and approach is going to make this MUCH EASIER than most. I have noticed in marriages where the WS is very pro-active, they seem to have a much faster, and more impactful recovery.

The key now will be to change the dynamics in your marriage by learning to meet each others most emotional needs and avoid lovebusters. It really DOES achieve romantic love in a marriage, which is the greatest protection against affairs. The books that can walk you through this the best are Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs.

I know it is expensive, but if there is any way you can get to a MB weekend, that is the fastest, most effective horse. They will hand hold you back to a great marriage no matter how long it takes......... really.

Hi, BBB.

What an experience. I'm so glad you told him last night. I wish you both the best as you begin this journey called recovery.

As was suggested on your other thread, try to keep your story to a single thread. It makes it less confusing to follow along and easier for people who jump in later to get the backstory.

God bless.

I agree with Mel on all counts. The MB weekend would be great for you both. It would be great if your husband will come here too.

You have an incredibly difficult path ahead and the warm fuzzies will soon disappear so make the most of it while it lasts.

AWESOME JOB!!!! Were all cheering you on!
I agree with a previous poster... Book the MB weekend if at all possible. Marh or May...Take your pick...

Get your NC letter written, husband approved and in the mail ASAP.

btw- do all you can to keep your kiddos unaware of anything. Let them continue to be kiddos.

I just read your thread that you started right after you confessed. I was going to answer there but will here to be consistent. And my reply here is based solely on my experience from when I confessed to my H in October.

My H wanted to know everything. Every seamy, gorey detail. Now, however, he wishes he didn't know everything. He says he feels he needed to know at the time, but now he wishes some things remained unknown. While I agree with the others that you need to answer questions immediately and truthfully everytime with no eye-rolling, if you know the answer is going to be, let's say, especially disturbing (not like all of this isn't, but I hope you know what I mean), make sure your H really wants to know it. This was advice I was given by a BS a while ago and I now follow... When my H asks a question that I know will result in a very hurtful response, I say, "Are you sure you want to know the answer?" It gives just enough pause, allowing my H to think another couple of seconds. It is also my code to him that it may be more than he's prepared for. If he answers yes, he gets the full truth. If he says no, I tell him that I will tell if he ever changes his mind. Just an idea.

Also, let your H know that if he does come to MB and decides to participate in the forums, that you will not read his posts unless he wants you to. If he comes here, he'll want to feel safe to say anything and everything to get the full benefit of the experience here and he might be resistant to do so if he thinks you might be looking in.

Take care.

Oh, what did you mean with your "working on plan B" bullet point in your last post?

mr fallenhero,

I guess I should have clarified "working on Plan B." That means that I think there is no emotional attachment to OM (and thus think H and I are done with Plan B), but H says he doesn't know for sure that I am. Obviously I can't just say, "Trust me, there's no emotional attachment." So, I translate that as "working on plan B."

Sorry to have started a new thread, everyone! I'll stay on this thread from now on.

Both H and I are not sleeping well (currently, can't sleep!), and are emotionally drained and half brain dead, but tonight went really well as far as communication and "warm fuzzies." (Enjoy them while they last, I will!) We burned (in our fireplace) the clothing that I wore on "that night" and I threw my boots from that night in the (outside) trash. It felt good. We did this at H's request, but I wasn't expecting to feel so good watching them burn, myself. I'm glad they're gone.

I go to get my STD tests done tomorrow and, quite frankly, am scared to death. I don't know how I'll cope if anything turns up from the tests--I will never be able to forgive myself.

H has been on the forums, reading. I will tell him that what was suggested, that I will not read any of his posts (great idea!). He has been reading through mine.

The terminology is going to kill you here. LOL. Plan B is where a betrayed spouse will cut off all contact with their wayward spouse so that they preserve what little love is left in case the wayward spouse chooses to end their affair - that is why you got funny questions about your plan B.

You are not in Plan B.

You both should read the infidelity FAQ's here on this site and read Dr Harley's basic concepts. There is also an infidelity DVD and a basic concepts dvd by Dr Harley and both are excellent and inexpensive.

Once you have read this material, I suggest you both do the EN questionairre and start working on meeting each other's top 3 EN's.

Have sex as much as possible over the next few weeks and try and avoid too much relationship talk "all at once". Take it easy. Re-connect emotionally and expect to take a horrible ride on an emotional rollercoaster for 6 months.

It can be survived!

You mentioned you've rid yourself of clothing and boots. If you haven't already, get rid of EVERYTHING now that might trigger you even the slightest. I got rid of key things right away such as emails, text messages, and photos. But I held onto things that I had owned before my PA. I thought because they had memories outside of the PA, they'd be fine, but they also had associations with FOM. I finally had to purge everything because whether the triggers were large or small, they were triggers and I needed to control the triggers that I could control -- keep FOM out of my life in everyway I could. Let's just say the Society For The Blind one day got quite a donation of several very nice clothes, CDs, and other items. I wish I had of done it earlier.

You mentioned that your youngest two are oblivious. I saw on your sig line on the other thread that they are 4 and 6. While the two won't pick up on the things your 10 and 11-year-old will, they will feel things. Make a point -- both you and your H -- to watch them, ask them how they're doing, ask them what they're doing, and make time for all of your children. Do things as a family and create opportunities for your kids to talk with you about anything. While your younger children may not know what is happening, they know something is happening so do what you can to make sure they feel safe.

Lastly... It sounds like you just recently ended contact with the OM. I have no doubt you are committed to recovering your M and helping your H. Based on my experience and what I've read here, it's likely you'll still go through a kind of withdrawal. You know the A was wrong and you're remorseful. But for a period of time which wasn't too long ago, OM played a strong enough role in your life that you were willing to risk everything. I want you to forget about OM and everyone wants you to focus on our H. But don't think that will happen immediately just because that's what should happen. I hope it does, but it likely won't. And you need to deal with that. Just like your H has to process that you were with the OM, you have to process that too. If you do go through withdrawal, your H my be unable to help you through it (some can, my H couldn't), so lean on the folks here.

And, BBB, you're welcome to email me anytime.

I want to rejoice with you that you kept your details open with H. Honesty will clear the path of obstructions.

Remember that as the news sinks in H may enter times of regret. You need to be aware of this. Help him. You both need to grow!

Agree with all of this, and what Mel said.

I didn't read your original thread, but I'm glad to hear you confessed to your H rather than letting him find out (?) on his own.

Like others have said - the next six months are going to be a bumpy ride. Right around the six month mark he'll get VERY angry with you. Answer whatever questions he has - I like the idea of "are you sure you want the answer?" to give the BS a second or two more to re-think that decision, but be sure if he says "yes", that you are totally honest. Don't try to soften the blow to spare his feelings - just give him the facts.

I also agree with having sex as much as possible - the "frantic re-connecting" is normal, and is a huge benefit in the long run.

Just be patient, honest, open, transparent, and proactive. Ask what you can do to help him get through the rough patches, and keep posting here.

BBB,

Great progress, I think the affair (sort-of) and your revenge affair will not make this an easier recovery. I think you should try looking through a few of the recovering WW threads it will give you some early warning of things to come.

Her is my BH analysis of where your H is, caveat we are different people and ours was not a revenge situation. I think he is in denial and blaming the OM, I see a little of this from you as well. That is natural since both of you can completely hate on him with no consequence. He will, at some point, become angry with you and probably himself. If you can set a good stage now it should help get through that process.

I also think if you can be a great mom to the kids it will give him more incentive to work extra hard. Make sure he sees that you are putting in effort there as well as in the bedroom.

Best of luck
Gabe

You guys are awesome--thanks for the advice that keeps coming in, it's so helpful. I take each tidbit of advice and turn it over in my mind, and have implemented several suggestions (and am still working on reading everything on this site!) Having you guys is like having a light on this dark path, and that's...what is it...it's invaluable.

Today has been a real toughie for me, as I battle off the deep depression that threatens to grip me in light of all I've done, all the pain I've caused, all the things and people I've directly or indirectly hurt and/or ruined. Amazingly, as I struggle with this, H cares for me. I wanted to share with you what H told me today. He "read me my rites" and here there are, verbatim:

1. You have the rite to love and be loved
2. You have the right to forgive and be forgiven
3. You have the rite to be shown mercy and grace

When he told me he that he was thinking about things and had come up with some "rites" for me, I was a little scared with what they'd be, but knew that I'd comply to any and all of them, no matter what they were. Imagine my surprise, shame, and joy to be read these rites.

I want to post more in response to your guys' reply's, but H is taking us all out for lunch! I'd better go look like a million bucks for the man that deserves the best!

I am BH of bbb46101.

6yearsleft - I don't really know for certain whether or not I am in denial. Sometimes it's easier for me to cope with the A if I think of my WW having an evil twin that did the wretched act. She told me a month and a half after the fact, after I'd already determined to love her the way she NEEDS to be loved. I keep reminding myself that she isn't the same person today that she was then. There are times when I hate her intensely. Those emotions come and go at their discretion. I can only control HOW I react to those feelings. If I dwell on them I only feed the fire of my anger and rage, and that doesn't do our M any good.

Welcome scrambledegg,

You 2 seem to have the tenacity and emotional intelligence to recover beautifully.

(Keeping everything crossed for you)

ST

Hi Scrambled,

I hear what you are saying, but I have to wonder why you felt it necessary to threaten the OM? I'm pretty sure he never made any promises to you and then broke those promises. I'm guessing you needed an outlet for the anger that felt safe.


Just take this calm time to prepare for the rough ones ahead.

6yearsleft, there is nothing wrong with threatening the OM. [I prefer the word PROMISE over threat] He did do a terrible thing to scrambledegg and needs to know there will be hell to pay if it happens again. That is exactly what he should do. The OM deserves his anger very much. Just because the OM has not made vows to SE does not mean he did not commit a crime against him.

In my case, I did not THREATEN the OW, but explained to her that her lot in life would not be promising if she ever DARED contact my H again. I made her some PROMISES. And to her benefit, she heeded my advice! The affair ended that day!

I would even go further and tell scrambleegg to contact the OM any time you catch him trying to contact your wife. He needs to hear from you EVERY TIME.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, scrambledegg. I am so sorry you are here, but very glad your wife found this place under the circumstances.

I want him to be scared out of his friggin' mind for the next few months, and paranoid for the years to follow. He needs to know there are consequences to his actions as well. If he is to continue to pursue a married woman, albeit, one in a turbulent relationship, there are ramifications... maybe even physical ones. I want him to think seven times over before he tries this again. In all reality, I won't do anything to him, but he doesn't need to know that.

I still wear my original wedding band. It's a cheap $10 - 15 silver band that's been abused. But this band represents our marriage, at least up to this point. Cheap, way out of round (more hexagon-shaped), two irritating burrs on the inside and tarnished from chemicals and the natural elements. But it's precious to me. It's still circular, having no end. I think we'll get new rings to represent our new M that we're building together, but I'll still wear the old to remember where we've been and remind us not to go back to that. My love for my W is not cheap. It comes at a great cost to me. I lay down myself for her, and her only.

BINGO! Good for you, scrambledegg. Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders says to "cause as much conflict" as possible. He needs to know HELL IS COMING if he even thinks about contacting your W again.

You did exactly the right thing. And i bet you left your pistol in the car?