Melody,

Now you are putting words in my mouth.


I said that a confrontation between OM and BH can result in violence, and that advising people to have such a meeting is unwise because that is a foreseeable outcome.

You stated that it NEVER happens, while replying to my reply to ShineThrough and discussing Mike.

But, you need to produce evidence that it is a "foreseeable outcome" because that is not the experience of this board. You have not done that. I don't know of any situation where the board has advised a BS to confront an OP, in all these years, that resulted in violence.

If you want to be taken seriously, 6years, you need to back up your assertions. That which is asserted without evidence can be DISMISSED the same.

Are you asserting that no BH has assaulted the OM after being advised to confront him on MB?

Or that no BH has assaulted the OM in a confrontation intended to be a conversation?

The MB forum is not the only source of evidence. Nor is your information complete. Many people come here post a few times and leave, you and I have no idea what became of them.

Is this your assertion? If a person comes to MB and is advised to confront the OP then no violence will ever result.

Are you asserting they HAVE?

Since I don't know of any cases where violence has been a result, I would have to say that it is not a foreseeable outcome and that is just a groundless assertion on your part.

That which is asserted without evidence can be DISMISSED the same. Give it up, 6years.

Here is my assertion.


There exist cases in the whole world (not just this forum) where an angry BH has assaulted or even killed an OM. So it is unwise to advise an angry BH to have a face to face confrontation with the OM, because the situation can be highly emotional and result in physical violence.

Since you won't give you assertion I don't know what you are trying to say, other than twist what I am saying to make it easier to disagree with.

Enough Folks - This is not helping anyone.

Hey, guys and gals. Perhaps I am WAY out of line here, but is there any way you can take this discussion about whether to confront an OP to another thread? And by another thread I don't mean taking it back to MikeC2's or over to JGirl's or anyone elses?

It's a very topical conversation, for sure, and I want to follow it, but it's taking place all over the forums now and the origins of some threads and the help the originators were looking for has been lost.

Can you please consider moving it elsewhere and let these threads get back on track?

Thank you.

Hey, BBB.

How are you doing?

Hi Looking4,

How am I doing? That's a loaded question.

* I'm overwhelmed with the forgiveness and love my H is showing me, but also get scared when he's not doing well, which of course is an "on-off" thing all throughout the day (he gets a certain look on his face and I don't know if I should run and hide or become a wall flower and slowly fade away).

* The last year of my life has been the absolute hardest (and that's saying a lot--it's been a series of bad years for me especially; lets just say I know the Grief Cycle more intimately than I ever thought one person could) and I've coped with the looming depression by working out (at the gym) and by running. Now I don't have either of those things and am feeling really antsy, like I don't know what to do (because I don't!) I'd like to go for a 10 mile run and release all the stress while loading up on endorphins, but H doesn't 'know' that I'll just be running; I've shattered his trust.

* I'm also an introvert--I need time alone to think and process. I didn't realize what a freedom "time alone" was--I unknowingly gave up my "time alone's" along with my thoughtless actions to have an A. I feel very crippled in this, but then again--I'm reaping what I've sown.

* I am very fortunate (i.e. blessed) to have an H that tells me he loves me, forgives me, needs me, and wants me. This elates me to no end, yet drives the dagger of what I've done even deeper into my heart.

* I feel like H and I go backwards when the detail questions come around; I hate them...who wants to verbalize such wickedness, especially to the one they love, and hurt, the most? But I do it and despise myself through it, making a mental note to rent a bi-plane and write in the sky the top 100 reasons why you should NEVER have an affair. I feel so exhausted every day, especially after these conversations. Though these times are really ugly, I always end up in H's arms along with lots of tears and kisses.

* Overall, I'm scared and I'm confident, disgusted and elated, fearful and hopeful, happy and sad...I didn't know it was possible to live at opposite ends of the spectrum at the same time...but I'm learning a lot of new things lately.

Thanks for asking.

Pretty much everyone here calls it the roller coaster. And it's called that for a reason. When is starts on the way down and you want to jump, let MB be your chains, nylon rope, and duct tape to hold you in so you can stay the course.

Speaking of... Do you have any other support network whom you can talk with? Adult family members, a best female friend, pastor, independent counselor, or anyone else near you with whom you can talk when it's too much for you and too much for your H?

First, remember this. You have coped. You've been through some very low times and you're still here. You can do this.

You have. There will be somethings that you will never get to do again and others that you have to ease back into. Remember that, especially now, the POJA needs to be in place and practiced.

I know people like or hate treadmills, but is that an option for you? They are expensive but if you add up the money you save from not paying gym dues, it can pay for itself. If you paid $20 a month, for example, you could have a $500 treadmill paid off in just two years. I've had mine for 4 years and it's paid for itself three times over. If you do weights and other stuff, invest in the home gym even if it's just hand weights, an exercise ball, yoga tapes, Tae Bo DVDs, a jump rope... Perhaps you and your H could even do some work-outs together.

Let me also encourage you to join us on the Smiles and Trials 3 thread where we're trying to support each other in our healthy choices. I'm flailing big time, but there are no judgements so even though I'm struggling with my weight, I still am welcome there. Everyone is.

This is tough, BBB. Do you have space in your apartment or home -- whether it's a spare room or the patio or a backyard or an attic where you can go, put on an iPod or grab a book or meditate or pray?... Say to H, "I need to be alone for a bit. I'll be in the gazebo," and retreat to that safe quiet place for a time.

You are. Many want this. Including myself.

I understand.

I'll be your co-pilot.

To look into his eyes and tell him what you know you need to tell, when you can't even fathom what you've done... It's shamefully difficult. And yet you know it must be done. I'm glad your H is willing to hold you and be there for you. As conflicted as he is, the fact that he stays to hold you is huge.

Remember that roller coaster I mentioned?

I've received more good advice than any FWW deserves, from amazing people. Among the great words of wisdom that I live by daily are radical honesty, and showing my H I've changed, I love him, and I'm committed to us through actions, not just words. Actions are so much and they are the cake that holds the frosting together. Build this recovery on solid ground, BBB. You've done much. Keep at it.

I'm proud of you.

I think that this good progress! May the links with H become more and more meaningful.

Ditto, L4. Well said! sadly there are lots of us out here with same awful thoughts and feelings in common. Fortunately we also all have the same powerful to desire to correct our wrong doing we can use our trials and experiences to help push each other on.

BBB Any chance of SE running with you? or riding a bike or anything else that will burn off those stresses and emotions?

ST

You BBB, now that your BH is aware of the A, he is probably also lost in his rollarcoaster of emotions as well.

OTOH, Dr Harley reccomends at least 15 hours per week for the two of you to recconect and stay connected.

You're antsy. I'm sure your H is antsy as well.

Just a thought, but could your H become very involved in your desire to train and do a marathon run. My son's GF did this and he would go with her on her runs(albeit on bicycle ).
You could easily do 15 hours of week on this and you could both become less antsy. I see this as an oportunity, if nothing else.

You would need to schedule this carefully, and I could envision your H becoming very involved in your nutrition and all the other needs that a marathon runner needs.

It might be a direction for the two you in the coming months where it seems like you wander aimlessly. I know, I've been there and have the T shirt. It may divert attention for both of you.

Just a thought,

All Blessings,
Jerry

Great thoughts, everyone! Thanks for all the ideas. I think I'll pitch the running/bicycling idea to H and see what he thinks. I won't be running the marathon, for sure, since OM will be there SOMEWHERE, but I don't want to lose my training; I'd like to keep up with it and perhaps run a marathon in the future.

As far as people to talk to, I'll be honest: I don't want to talk to anyone. H and I have very open, wonderful communication, but I don't care to, want to, or feel the need to talk (as in physically open my mouth and talk) with anyone else. This is not uncommon for me, the introvert.

H, OTOH, needs someone to talk to. He mentioned two different people that he thought of contacting; one is our pastor, who is also our friend, and the other is a friend from church. H has been holding back on talking with anyone local, or that knows me, because he doesn't want to shame me. Just 5 minutes ago, though, I sent an email to our pastor/friend, told him of my A, and asked him to contact H to counsel/talk with him. I have told H that I want him to talk to whomever he needs to without concern for me, but I don't know that he will...so I'm hoping that me contacting our pastor/friend will give H the freedom he needs. (And H doesn't know this, as he's in bed snoring at the moment.)

With all that said, I don't want to meet to counsel--yet. I am still processing things and battle myself from "shutting down." I feel that if I was to counsel and speak of the unspeakable things that H and I have discussed, I will, indeed, shut down. I DO plan to counsel, just not at this present time. I like things in order and often will not proceed with something until my brain has processed it. BUT, I did tell H all this and let him know that I will do whatever he deems necessary, even if it is counseling together with our pastor/friend.

ION (In other news), I got my STD test results back today; everything is clean and clear. That was a huge stress for me, so I am glad to lay that to rest. You should have seen how sweet and supportive H was at the doctors office as I had the "prep work" for the test--he knew this was a huge burden for me and cared for me as a doting H would care for the women he'd give his very life for.

I am so unworthy to have an H this good.

Amen. May God bless this marriage.

Keeping all the EP's in check will help your husband find peace.
Now, your H is a very strong man.

Doing this without telling him and doing it behind his back while he's in bed is not being honest. You should never have done this before asking your H. This is IB that directly affects him.

Telling the pastor about your A is one thing, but urging him to contact your H about it is another.

Do you know H would want you to do this? If he wants to talk to his pastor about your A, he should do it when and how he wants to. As the WW, it's not your job to set up his counseling for him.

Yes, I did want this. In fact, I had called our Pastor earlier in the day and left a message asking if he had a time available to meet with us. I didn't tell him why. WW and I discussed both of us meeting with him last night and determined I need to do that alone.

Okay, very good SE.

It sounded like she was doing this independently without knowing your thoughts on it.

You both are doing great.

From the sounds of it se and possibly you are no longer going to visit MB. I hope things go well for you two, but want to offer a last bit of advice to you bbb. Tell BH the truth whatever the consequence is to you. You acknowledge that you can "shut down." However, you can not afford to do that. Process whatever it is you have to but don't overprocess to the point that you drag things out or figure it's too late so forget about it. You may not have any intention of doing so, but a BS only has the actions of the WS to rely on. If you look uncooperative, BH will wonder (maybe not today but at some point) what you are hiding. Trickle truth is a slow and painful death.

I do believe that my FWH kept certain things from me because he knew how I'd react and he didn't want to crush me more than he already had. While it may be scary, you nor BH can afford to be shielded from the truth. Betrayal is painful and it hurts...period. Trying to hide either by denial or ommission will only compound that hurt. Please do not go there. You may think you are protecting him but I assure you it will come back to bite you big time. Too many WS have thought the same way only to be back here saying how they didn't listen and now things were worse than ever. Don't make that same mistake.

Good luck.

Hi, BBB. How are you doing?