You go girl!

Mark, and others what would be a pleasant text to send to my husband at this time. considering previous threads?

Any suggestions:

I need to make the right deposits at this time.

SS01,

I have no idea what you should send him. I don't know him...

But YOU know him. What do you think would say to him that you want to live a long happy life with him without actually saying it?

What bait would he take notice of?

What could you set before him that he would pursue when you began to take it away?

Mark

I sent him an email this morning that was short and sweet about being content. he is really doing some self-loathing, and playing the victim.

I mentioned in my previous thread that I sent him a text thanking him for taking of our cell bill, well the phone was disconnected yesterday, because I have my business contacts on this line, I had to pay the bill.

I text him to say that the bill had been paid, nothing back.

I then texted him to say that I needed help with another bill.
nothing back.

The last time I talk with him which was Tuesday night he seemed depressed, No real effort on his part. but he still manages to stay in contact whether good or bad. Lately our conversations have been less angry in his tone. however, he seemed exhausted. I am now reading the book. 5 love languages:

He is so resistant. as if no one is going to make me do anything I don't want to do. He seems to feel like he has no power except this. holding back from commiting to our marriage.

His mother said he does not want a divorce or his things out of the house, she said we just need to wait and see, and hope that it is not to late when he does come to his senses.

I just text him and said: Have a nice day!

what next? just wait? or continue with communication even if he does not respond?

I know this is tortuous. But you really really need to internalize this idea: He's not there, so get on with your life. Your communications to him are falling on mostly deaf ears because he is ONLY thinking of himself right now. This doesn't mean you should not communicate, but I would slow it down and make it a lot less needy. Cheerful and a little detached are better. The thing that will make a difference for him is when he sees you getting on with your life. As long as you pine away, he has no incentive to do anything. Just appear to be confident and getting on with things. You've told him that you want to restore your marriage, so leave it at that. Now just show him the best side of yourself.

Let's say you were dating. You might really like him, but you don't want to give away the farm on the first few dates, so you keep your independent foot forward. Make him chase you. If he sees you moving on, but with the knowledge that you still want your life together, it might just jolt him onto action.

The hardest part to really grasp is that you can't control him. If he is unable to come back to the marriage, that may just be your reality. I think accepting that first makes you more able to move forward. Also, the more you put yourself out there and he is unresponsive, the more you will withdraw. This is what happened to me, I eventually stopped wanting to try. This is when your love bank is starting to run low. It helps you think with a clearer mind, but it also makes it harder to reconcile if you get too far down the road. This is why Plan B is there. When enacted, you stop putting yourself out there to be trampled, so it protects you and it also protects your love for him.

I know this is so agonizing. It's hard to let go. But you will get through this a stronger person if you take control of your life and move forward. Hang in there!!!!

I think ZenWolf has a great point here, and one that may make the concept of this part of Plan A easier to grasp.

Think back to when you first started dating. Without realizing it, you probably always tried to look your best, went out of your way to make him feel good about himself, showed interest in his hobbies and day to day activities...things to make yourself seem more attractive to him. And you probably didn't expect much from him. Even if you did you didn't let him know. If he went a few days without calling you proabably got together with some friends and did something fun. And when he finally called with whatever excuse as to why he hadn't called you probably played it off like it didn't matter at all.

This is the approach you need to take now. I know its harder to do when you're having to plan to do it, but you can do it. Do what came so naturally to you when the two of you first met.

I also read your post from 3/04. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK!!! These people who keep telling you that know what they are talking about. All that he really needs to know is that when he's ready to work on things you are. And I think you've made that clear to him so let it go for now. IMO, even if you're asking what he needs and what you can do to make that happen, if he's not ready to talk then to him thats a LB.

Lets go back to the dating analogy. Lets say the two of you had just met and after two or three dates all of a sudden he didn't call you for a few days. When he finally did call would you have asked him questions like where is this relationship going? Most likely not, because you would have known it would make you look needy and scare him off. Same principle applies here.

Also, I think everyone's in agreement that you really need to do some investigating to find out whether or not he's having an A. All the work you're doing won't matter one bit if he's in fantasy land with OW.

Just my .02...

Mark,

You have offered some great advice to this person. I would like to hear your advice on my situation. I will try to make it short.

My husband has been having an affair for 2 1/4 years now. This affair started when he started working overseas in Vietnam, she is Vietnamese. If fact he is there this very moment as I am writing this to you.

He met her after a large meeting in Hanoi at a karaoke bar. All the other men that my husband worked with were there too, unfortunately for the same disgusting reason. She was with a large group of girls all wearing name tags who were all working on their trade of prostitution. All the guys sat out in the audience as some announcer named each girl and all the guys would have to do was raise their hand for the girl of their choice to come and sit next to them. My husband chose a girl named Xuan.

I want to say something about my husband before I go on. My husband loves looking at 10 women and I am sure he would probably like to have one, but he chose this woman Xuan who is far from a 10. I have seen what she looks like and without makeup she is not very attractive at all. My husband says she is average looking for a Vietnamese person, but if you compare the average looking Vietnamese person to the average American person, she would be below average in America.

Why would my husband choose a person who looks this way when looks are very important to him? Also, just to note, my husband struggles with pornography.

Now to get back to what I was saying. Since having this affair a baby has been born because of it. He says it is his, but he or myself and children are not 100% certain and I will tell you why. When my husband was 3 months into his affair I got her phone number from his cell phone bill and I called her up at 11:30 pm her time and I talked to her and the man she was with and they both told me that they married each other. This proves she is not faithful. So, this child could be someone else's. I sent him with a DNA test, but he told me that there is a lot of tension between the two of them and that asking for this right now would not be good. The reason why there has been tension between the 2 of them is because when he was home last time for a 7 week period he talked to her only 1 time. By the way, I was on another phone listening in sitting there with my husband.

When he went back this time he tried go to her apartment and she would not answer her door, so my husband went to her sisters house. My husband's words were that he sister had to beg and plead for almost 2 hours for her to come over. She finally did, and when they talked Xuan told my husband to take care of his family and that she and the baby(unborn at that moment)would be ok. She said some other things and then said that she did not want to talk much, and left.

Now my husband is over there trying to keep the peace and I believe he is trying to get her to warm up to him again so he still can continue in this affair just as a friend, but I believe more so so he can continue to have sex with her.

My husband is the type of person who does whatever it takes to get his way. Whether he yells or is extra nice to someone. He is so self centered and doesn't deeply comprehend this. He is trying to get out of life what he was missing as a child. This a whole complete different problem that I can talk about later.

To get to the end here, my husband does not want to break it off with her, he has told me so because he says that he still cares for her. I have asked him many times if he loves her and he says that he has some type of love for her, but he can't articulate to me what kind he is talking about. I don't think he is trying to hide this information from me, he just doesn't know because he is confused by his own admission.

Here is what confuses me. He told me that about after one year of the affair the fizzle wore off and things became like a normal relationship. He told me that at this very moment that his love is not growing for her. But, when I asked him where he was on the scale of emotional attachment he said moderate to intense because he feels that he can not break it off with her. What is he to do now that there is a child involved?

I have a few of Dr. Harley's books, but I guess I have not read the Plan A-D sections. What book talks about these plans? Isn't there extensive things here at Marriage Builders to get this information?

So what do you think about what I have just told you and what would be your advice?

Cindy,
(eyeonthesparrow)

ZenWolf,

You definitely have great advice just as Mark does. Please read my most recent post to Mark today and please tell me what you think.

Cindy

Hello eyes, and welcome to MB.

If you haven't already, it would be a good idea to start your own thread. Your situation is pretty complicated and I'm sure the people here would have a lot of input for you so it would be nice to have your own thread where they would be able to find you. Also it would be more considerate to ss01 to be able to keep the focus here on her situaton.

I will be looking for your thread as I'm sure you will be getting a lot of helpful advice.

Hi eyeonthesparrow,

I agree that you would be better served to start your own thread in the General Questions II section.

I'm hardly a voice of experience in this and can only offer the knowledge based on going through my wife's affair in recent months. We are currently headed in a better direction, so I would like to think that some of my experience can help. I'll keep it short because this is not your thread.

Your situation is pretty complex compared to mine. The issues revolving around children of an adulterous relationship are a little over my head, so I won't weigh in too heavily on that one. I think you need to think long and hard about why you want to stay in your marriage. Is it fear of change? Fear of being alone? Fear of financial problems? There are many good reasons to stay in a marriage, but many bad as well. For me, I looked at the good years and my young children and my feelings of love for her, and they all made me want to save the marriage. Since then, I'm not so desperate. The brutality of living through the ongoing affair and the lack of consideration for me has severely weakened my desire to stay with her. I still want it, but I can look at it through eyes less clouded by fear. This is what you want to achieve. If you want to save your marriage at any cost, then you will end up with an impaired marriage. Set the bar high, then allow him to live up to it nor not. Do what you do out of love, show him the strongest most loveable version of yourself. Don't be needy, just be strong. If he rises to meet you, then you can progress, if he doesn't, you keep moving forward. OK, go start your own thread!

Hello jeminibutterfly,

I appreciate your response and I appreciate that you feel a lot of people would like to help me. Believe me, even though I love my family, they are not efficient enough to help me in this situation like the people who are here.

I don't really know much about computers and how to go about doing certain things. I would appreciate it so very much if you could tell me how to even start a thread in the first place.

You are right, I do want to be considerate of other people. I just did not know how to ask my questions to the people that have given great advice without replying to what they had already written.

That makes me feel good that you are going to be looking for my thread. When I do have it, please send me your advice too.

Cindy

Cindy,

I started a thread for you and copied your original post there for folks to see.

Mark

if he is in fantasy land with the ow, isn't this the time to be pleasant without being a doormate, and to expose the affair if I can? I really don't feel needy, I have been paying all the bills and he has not paid one cent on anything. he just acts like he wanted to pay the cell bill, maybe to have contact, I don't know. I do believe that his financials are tight for him, but that is not my problem, I just need to make my life work, that is why I paid the cell bill, for my business calls. I want to be off the family plan. but it will cost to break the contract. I need my on number back.

I appear somewhat guarded, I am letting this effect me and the way I am with others. I am approachable, and friendly, I just take my time before I totally engage. I am working on being softer around the edges, I think that because I have had to protect myself from unhealthy situations, it makes me appear guarded to some people. Just trying to take inventory on myself, without being so hard on myself.

He may not return to the marriage, because it has been several months and we have not been intimate or even close. we did manage to stay in contact, but now that seems to be not there.

I am working on moving forward and have been for awhile, however, it is hard and I would like for my marriage to work, but that just me. it takes two.

I have not talk to him since Tuesday. Maybe that is good. I have to give it a rest. I believe his mind is made up. His actions tells me that sometimes he thinks about reconciliation, because we have met for coffee, dinner, and talked about it, maybe he was just trying to feel me out to see where my head is at. He has not stop communication but he does not make a real effort toward our marriage.

I just need to get my head out of the sand. If he is has been involved with someone else for all these months, it appears he is not attempting to return.

I do not receive early morning calls, invitations to breakfast, nice talks on the phone, no how are you doing, only when he wants something. he does not initiate anything.

I have offered to give him his things out of the house and he says that he doesn't want them.

He has said that he does not want anyone in the house when I have mentioned that I want effection and want companionship.

I did tell him for the first time That I would file for divorce and this is when he became very upset. for several conversations after that one, he had more to say and sounded more open. I just can't do this any more. either he wants to work on the marriage or not. I don't always want to be the responsible one. Hold everything together, I don't get a chance to be irresponsible.
to ignore people, and task, I am sick of holding it together!

while he just runs around like a kid with no responbililty. leaving me holding the bag, mortgage, bills, reparis, he wants to be free!!! or have an affair, or get high, maybe all the above.

I want the rubber to meet to road soon!

I miss being affectionate with my husband, but I am not ready to be involved with anyone else. I am still trying to work on my marriage. It is hard not to call him, or text him right now, but he will not respond anyway, that is the hard part. I still want to continue with Plan A. making love deposits as often as I can in a timely manner. I want to reconnect with my husband. I can say these things here on this site but work the plan without his knowledge.

Is there any one experience no response from the ws?

I found out that the person My husband is involved with goes to the same school with him. Now this was at the beginning, not sure if they are still involved. Because he has had some really bad times. and been very depressed lately. Not sure where it is and will not talk about it. But I am work plan A, Carrot and Stick. I have been advised to slow down, and make the text and email detached and short. I know that I will not call him or text him for a few days, because he is not responding, His mother adviced me also about the carrot and the stick to step back and let him bit now. I do believe that I left a sweet impression with him. No LB/so I can only think that he will be calling in a few days about something.

today It has been difficult. I try very hard to stop thinking about my husband being gone, I miss him. but he is in another place. I exercise, my hair is done, family was offer for a while, watched movies. I don't like this place I am in, in my heart. don't want to be a victim, just hurt.

I have no strategy right now, just need to think of myself

It's very painful, but slowing down is right. This will get better. For me it took a real acceptance that the marriage was over. I've had many ups and downs. I've been ready for divorce twice now. The ups and downs really do get easier as your desperations and neediness are replaced with confidence and strength. You will get there!

You said that you were ready for divorce twice, are you with your ws, and is your ws working the program with you,

I am redirecting my thought, and redirecting my time. I am making myself not call him or text, when I want to, I just call a friend or get on this blog. having the support means a lot, and reading others stories are helpful. great support system.

I just want to see what happens if I don't call or text, will he call me? or I guess that should not matter, just take care of me, and if he comes around in time, maybe I will be there, I need to really search where I am headed in this journey.

Yes! You're getting it! Soon you will start feeling it. It's just an acceptance of what you can control. You can control your efforts and your emotions and your intentions. Direct them into being the best YOU. If he takes notice, that might be good, but either way, you are the best YOU. It will help you get through this stronger, not broken.

My wife is home, hasn't had contact in almost 3 weeks according to her - since her NC call. We had a big blow up on Firday and I was ready to go again, but she has been contrite and willing to work the MB program. She hasn't really done much other than read some of Surviving an Affair and talking to Dr. Harley, but it's something. I have made it a condition of our recovery so I hope she keeps going!

Hang in there, I promise it gets easier the more you let go.

How long were you apart, I think for me and my situation, it is good that he is not here, he has a lot of work to do as myself,only wish that we could work on them together, but there must be another plan. I like the peace, even days when it is lonely, it feels like a blessing in disquise. Knowing that I do not have to deal with the insane chaos, but isn't marriage suppose to be that couples work on things together. I miss that too!

I have to stay focused!!!!!!!!!!!