It is amazing how I see infidelity everywhere now. Anyway, for what it's worth, here are some stories for you:

My brother left his wife of 15-20 years for another (married) woman. They both divorced and married each other. I want to guess they have been married around 7 years or so now. I heard from my brother around January and he told me they are getting divorced. He told me his new wife has found the next, great "love of her life".

My Ex is no longer with the woman he left me for. He has been in another relationship, don't know if he still is, yet gives me gifts for every occasion with a card that states "love always". He has tried to reconcile and I think he would jump at the chance. No thank you. Too little, too late.

Tonight blew my mind. I'll try my best to explain. I went for a massage and the massage therapist also does Reiki and tells me she can read people and their energy. The first time I met her was déjà vu. We had so much in common, like we were living parallel lives. She was also married to a police officer, had a son the same age as mine, both only children, husband had an affair, she found out, devastated, they split up, etc. Now they have an amicable relationship but she despises infidelity.

Stick with me. Her best friend (we'll call her F1) works with a cheating friend (we'll call her CF2) that left her husband for one of their married coworkers. CF2's ex husband was the first person I dated after my divorce(!). Small world. It was a long term marriage and he was devastated as he described how she had an affair 10 years earlier. He forgave her and 10 years later, she suddenly walked away. Knowing what I don't want to know from here, I told him I was pretty sure she was having one now! I told him people usually don't walk away unless there is someone else in the picture. He didn't know or didn't want to admit there was someone again.

The masseuse gives both of them (F1 and CF2)massages. One night she is off duty, really tired, and gets called into work. She doesn't want to go, but agrees she will do it. She starts working on the woman, who turns out to be the betrayed spouse of CF2. They start talking and of course the conversation turns to marriage and infidelity. The client woman starts crying and states she thinks her husband is having an affair again.

The masseuse tells me that she pieces it together, realizes who she is, and of course knows her husband is cheating on her. However, she tells me she "FEELS" in her energy that her husband is not going to leave her for this OW. The OW (the ex of the man I dated!) has now been divorced for 3 years, waiting to unite with her married lover. The masseuse told me she didn't know what the hold was, but that she felt he was not going to leave his wife. She does not like infidelity and invited the wife to a gathering where the OW would be. When the wife got there, the OW left and the wife knew for certain what was going on. She came home and confronted her husband and issued an ultimatum.

Through F1 (who is good friends with CF2), masseuse reports that OM returned to his wife for good around Thanksgiving. She reports that as she works (massage) on OW, through her energy she feels she will regret divorcing her husband (who is now in a long term relationship). She also reports that she (CF2) wants to move away. After all, it is a small town, where she works with OM who returned to his wife, and ExH, who is happily engaged in a long term relationship.

She said that when she invited the wife to the gathering where the OW and people who supported her were, they (OW supporters) were cold to the wife. I was so angry. Masseuse said they tried to make her feel bad for inviting the wife and she (massage therapist) stuck to her guns and said NO, it is you who should feel bad! This woman has done nothing wrong. The OW should feel bad for trying to break up a 30+ year marriage.

Anyway, I'm not sure you are going to be able to follow that story but the way the characters intertwined is like a Hollywood movie. The massage therapist felt that the wife was brought to her by a higher power to let her know what was going on in her marriage.

Affairs die. Anything worth keeping doesn't come easy and is a lot of hard work. Do not become a doormat. The sooner you recognize your value, the sooner your cheating spouse, who takes you for granted, will.

My dad would jump at the chance to come back to my mom. They D 12 or 13 years ago when my dad left her for OW and they were together and married about 5 years when OW cheated on and left my dad.

My brother's XW, who left him through an A(she was also a serial adulterer) and she would jump at the chance to have him back. Too bad he has moved on and is now happily married. lol

Oh yeah, one more thing. In the cheating story, it is the same affair that took place 10 years earlier. I think it had been continuing underground all that time.

One other thing that bothered me. Masseuse told me that they (F1 and CF2) said awful things about CF2's EXH (the one I dated). She said they were "intimate" details. I didn't ask. She said they pointed him out one day when they saw him from afar. Like I said, she has gifts and can read people's energy. She said she told them, NO. That is not a bad man, I can tell. I can tell what you said about him is not true.

I did not know him "intimately", but from what I do know of him (he is 4-5th generation from this area), he is a good man. And he so does not deserve to be talked about like this from his cheating ex wife. Made me wonder what my ex goes around saying about me. This stuff is just awful. I am such a Pollyanna. I just cannot talk bad about people unless I truly have good reason to do so, and I rarely do. Sometimes I feel as if I am living in a world by myself.

My brother D'd his wife of 24 years, M'd OW, OW told him on the honeymoon that she made a mistake however she stayed 10 years before she left him for an old high school BF. Brother now on 3rd marriage.

I was reading my old posts here the other night. OMG! How much I forgot. It is my journal of events. Mindblowing how much I forgot.

Ex husband told me to me meet him for coffee after our divorce hearing (final divorce). The night before our divorce, I left a message on his cell phone asking him if there was anything we could do to stop it. He never called me back. Morning of divorce, he asked to stop by. I let him but didn't talk. I had done all the talking/begging/pleading all along. He didn't have much of anything to say, not sure why he stopped by.

Foolishly, I did meet him after final divorce hearing. He stopped me in the parking lot. He cried like a baby and told me he made a big mistake and was so sorry. However, he dragged his feet for another 2+ years. I SWEAR, he only was sincere once I cut him off and told him I was DONE. As long as he knew he had a chance, he kept on cheating. Moral of the story: Define your boundaries and stick 'em to 'em. Oh wait, I think I mean stick to 'em!! Yeah, that's the ticket!

Shattered,

Good advice. I set my bar waaayyy low and suffered many false recoveries. Tonight my DD told me that WH doesn't seem as hostile towards me, and I think it is because the D date is coming up. My bar is so high now though, that he'll need a rocket ship to get over it.

Hi Chai,

One thing I know from life experience. If we don't define our value, no one will value us. Doesn't even matter IF we are valuable or not (such as in the case of other woman/man). At the end of the day, I think it all comes down to how much we value OURSELVES.

Yeah, my bro' and his gf are into Reiki. I've asked them for WS-Gray and most recently for a really good friend of mine. They put me on their board when they found out about the A.

Recently I read a very good book by a low-key psychic. I've been trying to learn how to increase my psychic power. It really amped up after Gray's A. I think because I was so wiped out psychologically that it wiped the slate clean. It is a lot more powerful than it was before.

But no, I do NOT know the lotto numbers yet, LOL!!

Charlotte

I think this is so true.

I have learned that it's MY job to make me happy, it's MY job to determine my WORTH and it's my job to let G-ds love for ME shine out so I can bring joy to others. If someone chooses to not accept my joy in life then it doesn't diminish my worth or value. Only I can diminish it.

Shattered, glad you started this sitch.
With my H so deep in with OW sometimes i wonder if it will ever end. Right now I am still committed to the M even though I stand alone. H has started the D process.

Would love to see the day when they crash and burn. Just not sure where I will be then.

Xw's affair crashed and burned about 2 years after the OM moved in. All the exposure I had done upon discovery made things very uncomfortable for them.
Even if exposure does not save the M, it benefits the kids in letting them know who they are dealing with and mayhelp get an OM or OW out of your kids' lives down the road.

ExH M'd OW and they are now having a baby. I don't see it ending for them...

I had to laugh at this one because it describes me perfectly--past and present.

Here are some more REAL-LIFE stories I am personally aware of that illustrate the usual course of affair-marriages (AM):

1) Mr. HB left Mrs. EB and their 2 kids for a (much younger) OW and AM'd her. The 2 cheaters remarkably were married for quite a while (~10-15 years) until...whadda ya know!...OW found a new, younger OM and left him. Mr. HB, after being completely out of the picture for a long time, then tried to re-contact Mrs. EB and his kids. Of course, all 3 of them wanted NOTHING to do with him. The 2 kids (raised well by their mom whom they are very close with) are now married and have kids of their own. Mr. HB is now a twice-divorced, solitary, old man who has never met and will never be allowed to meet his SIL, DIL, and his grandkids. Gee, that worked out well, Mr. HB, huh?

2) Mrs. CG left Mr. AG for their daughter's high school basketball coach and AM'd him as soon as both D's were final. Her and OM fought for several years and are now divorcing themselves. She wants Mr. AG back...but, after 2 years of intense grieving, he met some wonderful new gal and is happily re-married. Their kids barely speak to their cheating mom. Brilliant!

3) Mrs. SW left Mr. RW for an affair with a twice-divorced OM she met at the health club. She AM'd him immediately and soon doscovered that he was teetering on bankruptcy, had serious steroid-rage issues, and that they had "nothing in common except for liking to workout at the same gym". After realizing that she only fell for OM "because I was totally needy and he talked to me", she D'd OM after only 8 months of legal marriage and tried to get back with Mr. RW. He had no interest in forgiving her. She is now twice-divorced, with 2 young-ish kids, trying to date again, and is working reception at the same gym to make ends meet. Hmmm, a little scary!

I will guarantee you that each of these WSs went in to it convinced of how "special their new relationship was" despite obvious red flags everyone but they could see. Just don't do it....

While most affairs do die, there is the 3% or so that don't. I happen to know of a person who left W 20yrs ago for younger OM and they're still together.

While I certainly am disgusted by people who have A's, I would not encourage kids not to speak with their parents who are in A's or had A's. If thats a choice they make themselves fine - thats another story.

Does anyone here agree though that some people should never have gotten married to each other in the first place?

I have been separated for 8 months, what took so long to get back together.

some people (both) realize that they should have not married and manage to step back early on. but years of being in a marriage is a little much for me to understand that it was a total mistake. some people just stop trying or do not have to tools to get through the valleys. they only want the hilltops.

I liked reading these stories, they make it easier to move forward.

Do you think that the WS was hanging on to the affair because they knew or felt they were perceived as foolish, and had to make it work no matter what. to try an save face? Looks like that no one can hurt another and not be hurt themselves.

MIL is one of the 3%...

FIL brought home a guy he met at work (Army) to teach the kids piano. He had bought the piano while on business in NJ and had it shipped home to Illinois.

MIL was there while the kids were getting lessons and FIL was at work, paying for the piano and the lessons.

MIL went out east to visit her family (once piano teacher retired from the Army and got a job in (SURPRISE) MIL's home town...

MIL was in and out of the house off and on for about 4 or 5 years and then filed for divorce, married Piano Man, 7 years her junior, and left the kids with their dad during the toughest time of their lives (there were three teenage girls and one nearly teenage girl).

FIL eventually remarried several years later; in fact on the same day my wife and I got married. When he died, my wife and SIL helped clean out some old stuff of his and found a trunk full of old letters from MIL going back to before they were married while he was on active duty out of the country and pictures of family vactions and such including many of MIL while they were dating.

FIL’s second wife still has contact with all of his kids, though not as much as before my W's A with her neighbor...

MIL nags her AH, has MS and her health is failing pretty fast, but she has also had a complete change in her life having become a Christian years after the divorce from late FIL.

Their kids, two married 4 times, one that had multiple affairs and one that has been married for over 25 years to a guy who is a Bible translator are closer to each other than to their own mother and still have issues with feelings of abandonment.

So is MIL in a happy AM? Beats me. I've seen her about ten times in 36 years...

According to statistics, AMs are a crap shoot at best...

I know I wouldn't bet on being happily ever after with someone who was known to be a cheater...

Mark

I think its a really big asumption that all people in affair marriages are unhappy.

Probably more like wishful thinking on a BS's part

That was my thought too. Even if my M was over, I was going to let everyone, especially my little ones, know who POSOW was. My kids nor inlaws would ever have accepted her.

The only affairage I know of that has survived is my FWH's grandfather. They've been married 35+ yrs. If they are happy or not, I have no idea.

[quote=myfamilyilove
While I certainly am disgusted by people who have A's, I would not encourage kids not to speak with their parents who are in A's or had A's. If thats a choice they make themselves fine - thats another story.
[/quote]

My WH left in October and my D15 has stopped speaking/seeing him in Dec. She is totally upset with him. He always had very strong ethics and a role model and now she has no respect for him. I do not encourage her but I will not force her either. I tried that at the beginning and all that happened is she got angrier and angrier. She recently started counseling, but the counseling is for her and her decision. These WAS don't realize what it does to our children.