My H has decided that he NEEDS and WANTS and LOVES the OW..he loves me, but it is a different love. I guess this man that is going on 50 doesn't realize that love does evolve over time, becomes deeper and more meaningful. He is in love with the lust, the excitment of the OW. I have nothing left now. He is with the OW, the W that he dated when he was 16. They met up after a reunion, and BANG..he is in love. They met at a hotel while I was at work..had their 4 hours of fun and my H came home and acted like he had been there all day..normal, not a hint of anything wrong. He continued texting and emailing her. When I confronted him..he told me he was just looking for another job.
Finally he told me he wanted a break..sort himself out..I agreed..he immediately told everyone we were separated and I did not think of it like that..but I wanted to make sure he was emotionally okay so I didn't say anything. He became increasingly distant, but we still slept in the same bed, still held me at night..during the day..you know where he was! I moved out on Jan 16 just to give him space expecting to move back in..then on my birthday Feb 11 he tells me that he is in love with the OW..he has always loved her for over 30 years and now he needed to be with her. His love has changed for me he said, more like a friend than a wife!
Now our house is sold and he and the OW are packing and getting ready to move in together. The OW H has their 3 kids..the youngest is 10..the OW walked out on her family to be with my H..what a mess. Now the OW is missing her children and also said to HER H that he probably wouldn't take her back anyway. He told me that he didn't want her back..she is too much of an emotional drain on their family.
So my H is going ahead and I KNOW he is making a huge mistake..I don't know what to do now. I have been working on plan B..but he called me and spoke with me for an hour..still not able to tell me why he left..that I was the best thing that ever happened to him..that we had so much in common and so many good memories..WHY DID HE LEAVE THEN??? He said he couldn't help himself and he doesn't understand it.
Neither do I. I believed in my vows and I would take my H back..but how do I get him back? He does not want to be with me..but he did mention that he wants to be sure that I don't go out with anyone else too quickly, not to mistake any male friendships for intimacy..I didn't quite get that one.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Do I just keep to plan B and if he never comes back then I have to move on?

Whether or not you give up depends on what YOU want to do.

You CAN save your M, if you want to but in order to do this, you need a plan. You cannot try to recover if you have no plan and if you are going to operate based on emotion alone.

Do you want a plan?

Dear broken,

I'm sorry you are in this situation; it's heartbreaking.

I have read your other threads and I wonder about the fact that this is your 3rd marriage.

How many times has your H been married? What led to the breakdown of both your previous marriages (yours and his)? Has your H had long-term relationships apart from his marriage(s)?

I ask because your H might not have had a "buyers" attitude to your marriage when he entered it. I wonder whether your previous marriages might have made him feel that it was fair to enter this one on trial; in other words, that he entered it as a renter or freeloader, thinking that you were doing the same.

Did you write on one thread that he and OW restarted their relationship in their 20s for a while? In other words, has H had a pattern of serial relationships from which he has walked away when no longer "in love"?

I so much want a plan..I want to save my marriage..but I don't know how.
When I was married the first time, I was very young and acted on impulse. I stayed with my first H for 7 years, but could no longer take the physical and mental abuse and also felt it was not a good place for my son who by the way is NOTHING like his father.
My second marriage was to someone I liked as a friend, not really attracted to, but I was lonely and he filled the void. As it turned out, he was rather verbally abusive..not yelling, but very unkind and indecent verbage that made me feel like I was worthless. I stayed for 10 years with him thinking it wasn't so bad. After time went on though, my son left..did not like his step Father and went to live with friends. I had my eyes opened and realized that this second M was not much better than the first.
When I met my present H I thought I was in paradise. Not only did he not hit me, but he did not put me down or belittle me in any way. I was so in love and still am. He was married to his first wife for 21 years..also married very young and they grew up and apart from what he tells me..but really, what is the truth, I don't know now.
My H and I would have been together 7 years in April, married just 4..I was in this marriage for life..I love him, I am devoted to him. Yes he is not perfect, not really affectionate, but so what..I love him as he is...for better or worse.
He only met up with this childhood sweetheart this past Nov and it only took them 3 weeks to decide to sleep together..I found out all about where they went etc.
Now...he is with her..now he still emails me asking how I am..I have not answered..I don't know what to do. He is making a HUGE mistake being with her. She is torn because she has children at her home with her H..the 10 year old misses Mommy..the OW H does not want his child to meet my H..and I don't blame him.
My H and the OW are not able to spend so much time together, but they are still forging ahead to rent a house together. So I don't know what to do now..How do I save this? How do I get my H back? I am so lost..I just don't know what to do.

Yesterday morning I rec'd an email at my work from my WH..he knew I had to see the doctor about something so he said that he hoped I am okay. He then asked about some clothes that I had left in our house (I had already told him to donate them to charity) and did I really want to do that. That is all he said. I did not reply..I am TRYING plan B..well, last night I rec'd an email at my home address and all he said was 'you must have taken the day off???' That is his way of saying..where are you? I am not sure if I should answer him...I want my H back no matter what he has done to this point. He is basically a good man..but lost and going through MLC.
Should I answer him? I need help on how to do this without losing him forever...HELP!!!

Let me ask you this tough question.

Do you think your H is worried he will lose YOU forever?

By this I mean, right now, today.... will WH think to himself "BW might leave me because of my adultery."

Don't say "I don't know."
Think about it.

Your WH is 100% confident that he can keep your friendship while he has sex with OW and tells OW he's always loved her .... WH has ZERO reason to change his actions.

Plan A is right for you right now.
Plan A with some consequences for WH.


Right now, what has WH got to lose by continuing his ridiculous adultery fantasy?
He won't lose you. He knows this.

You wrote:


This is a green light for WH to continue hurting you.
You can tell US this, but please please please, do NOT say such things to your WH. It serves to encourage his betrayal of you.

That is a really good point..I can't let him know that I still care. I have to act like I am strong and am continuing on with my life without him.
I already tried plan A with my WH..no result. He was/is not willing to even TRY to work it out with me. So that is why I have gone to plan B..just don't know if I need to email him back to reply to his question to me. My first instinct is not to..to make him wonder where I am and how I am.
You are right..if I validate him by continuing to feed his ego that I still am sitting there like some pathetic fool, waiting for him, then he will continue to be the puppet master.
I need to let go and I guess let the chips fall where they may..I don't want in my heart to give up..but I want him to think that I am over him..maybe then he may come out of his fog...It is so confusing when you are IN the situation..when not in it personally it is so easy to give advice..but now..I wonder where my brain went..I have to stop working with emotion but now I have to think...work on my job, be with my friends...and if he comes back..well my life and heart would once more be complete.

Broken,

Listen to Pep. She is dead on!!! Doormats don't get any respect. People just walk all over them. Don't be a doormat and don't allow your WH to walk all over you.

He WILL notice a change in you once you stop being needy. He will realize that you are moving on and will have a great life without him. Prove this to him. Be the best person you can be. Take great care of yourself. Eat well. Go easy on alcohol as you don't want it to weaken you and have you do or say needy things.

Most of all, keep posting here and come here for support. The people here are amazing and have been in your shoes. We are all pulling for you and your marriage. We will help to keep you on the right path. There are no guarantees the marriage will recover but at the end of this journey you will be the best person you can be either way.

Mindshare

Thank you so much...this is exactly what I need. I have not been eating well, but have not been bothering with alcohol at all. I need to find out what I want to do and will no longer be there for him like I always was. What he wants is to have his cake and eat it too..no I cannot allow myself to be treated like that.
I will update if there are anymore incidents, for now, I have to call it a day and go to my second job

NO relationship talk at all.



What? One result of a really good Plan A is that the BS realizes his/her worth. And the WS sees their spouse has worth.
I doubt that what you did was Plan A.
So, do another one - a very very brief and different Plan A.



Plan A is not to get the WS to "try" to work things out in the marriage.
Plan A is to cause CONFLICT for the wayward while showing off the BS's attributes.



You cannot Plan B half-assed. That will fail.
Your heart/mind are not yet in synch, so you are not ready to Plan B.



Yes - and take actions that show WH you are not treading water.
Be lovely around WH for another week or two.

NO relationship talk at all.
Talk to WH about the movie you saw.
Tell WH about a trip you are planning.
Leave out important details of your life. Tell WH some "what" but leave off "who where when"
NO relationship talk at all.
Discuss the latest book you read.
Tell him about the class you are taking.
NO relationship talk at all.
Ask him about some news story.
NO relationship talk at all.

NOT Plan A ~~~> "I made your favorite meal. I wish you'd been here to share it with us. I missed you so much. It's not the same without you."

Plan A ~~~> "I made the most delicious dinner. Clam linguini and caesar salad. I opened a bottle of white wine. It really was a lovely meal. We laughed and told stories. It was fun."

Take care of yourself, yes. (stay active)
AND - take actions that cause CONFLICT for WH.

Secure the finances.
Change the locks.

NO relationship talk at all.
Be pleasant.
Be confident.
Be mysterious.
Share delicious tid-bits about your life - but with HUGE gaps that make him wonder ...
NO relationship talk at all.



Do not give him this impression right now. OK to think this and share with the forum, but leave this out of your interactions with WH because ....NO relationship talk at all.

And, don't forget - 2 weeks of Plan A with NO relationship talk at all.

Hello,

My story is similiar, and it is confirming to here it again, and again, about moving forward, and taking better care of ourselfs. I to am hurting, and I miss him very much. he knows that, now all I can do is move forward, as hard as it may be, I can not operate out of emotion, I have to keep my head on straight, it has been 8 months for me and my husband, and he has talked about reconciliation from time to time, but for the most part he has kept his distance. and now does not take my calls. I have to keep myself busy and maintain a stable life. emotionally, finanacilly, physically, and spiritually. He is saying that I need to move on and get my own life. We just went to dinner last week. I am confused as well, but I want to stay stronger. let's help each other along with the help of the others.

Take care.

You did not answer my question:





Yes or no?

I am sure that my WH is not concerned about losing me forever. I believe that he feels I will always be there. He doesn't seem to be concerned about me at all.
I guess I did not understand HOW to use plan A..I think I may be getting it now..Speak to him politely when and if I see him. It is difficult since we are living separately. The only thing left is to sign the papers on the sale of our house, but even that does not get us together.
I need more guidance I guess on how to use Plan A. My H wants to be friends, but he does not realize that I don't want to be his friend, I want to be his wife..
I do get it though..I cannot say that to him right now, I can be very vague with him and not too friendly, but not the emotional wreck that I really feel inside.
If you have any more pointers I would appreciate it. I will do what it takes..not just for me, but for him. He is heading down a very WRONG path..I can see that it will only lead to more unhappiness for him and even the OW.
So please..if you can help me. I need to keep my dignity..consider myself a normally logical person..and at the moment don't know myself.
Thanks so much for the direction so far..I am looking forward to any suggestions..

You can say that. When he says you guys be friends tell him what you told us. When my WW says that I tell her we will definately NOT be friends.

I wonder if I should contact my WH and ask to meet him..to let him know that I want to fight for our marriage. I have told him this before, but he just told me to 'erase' him from my memory. Like I can do THAT!
I realize that we fell into a rut..working too much, tired, not having the romance that we once had..it had become boring and predictable.
I can see why he wanted to go...but also, our entire marriage he had brought up this 'old girlfriend' and seemed almost obsessed with her.
When he finally saw her after 30 years and she too was willing to leave her M for my H then the deal was sealed. I just don't know..I really don't know HOW TO FIGHT THIS! He said it's fate that they are together again. My goodness..they were 16/17 years old back then..people change and they only dated a year! I have been with him 7 years! I know him better than she does..people change in over 30 years.
He said he loves her..is happy..WHAT DO I DO? I need assistance..I have been told from friends everything from 'kick him to the curb' to he isn't worth it..to 'he will come back but don't take him back'...I just need some sane rationalization..can someone help me on what I should do? I don't totally understand plan A or B...we no longer live together..the house is sold and the closing date is May 1..I need HELP.