Let me guess, you haven't started reading SAA yet :MrEEk:

21. You have always talked like my other son who had been your stepson for 12 years was your son too, but you just don't walk the walk. You go weeks without seeing or hearing from him and never even think about him or mention him.

22. You absolutely hate my family. My mom who had a massive stroke will probably not live too much longer and I doubt that you will even go to her funeral which will hurt me so badly.

23. You have become such a dishonest person the last year that I think you even believe your own lies. I can't believe a word you say or trust anything about you. Your word means absolutely nothing.

24. Everything in life is about your comfort, your fun, your things, your time, your interests, what you want to talk about.....and on and on.....Your world is only about you....

this is a real gut purge

After I read this to him, he hung up on me. Text back saying that yes, some of it was probably true but that it was basically all my fault that his head wasn't screwed on right.


So that's where things stand now. No good at all. May expose but need to find out if I can be in any trouble for emailing all those people on company email.

Will he hate me forever? We do have a son....

Are you even reading the replies you're getting?

Plan A!! (GET THE BOOK, READ THE BOOK)

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

RN,

I've been wondering how you been doin'.
You've been busy.

Do you realize all the time and effort that went into that list, is time that should have been spent STUDYING the plan that has so far been laid out for you?

Fixable or too late? Guess I'm really stupid.

No one said you're stupid, you just need to "be still". Take a deep breath. Start over. Start reading the materials here. Seriously. Do you want to save your marriage? MB is no guarantee, but it's a plan that'll give you the best shot at it.

How about it? Will you listen?

RN,

You keep doing these LB's, holding back on exposure, despite the advice being given.

Then, you post 'is there any hope, I've messed up' whatever.

You are your own worst enemy right now. I'd be scurrying to OW myself.

Think of it like this: you're in a code blue, red what ever you call it where you work.

There are specific protocols that need to be done and in a certain order for a successful resuscitation.

You can't scream at a near corpse to sit up and breathe. That is the desired result, but it ain't gonna happen that way.

ITA! Great analogy Vit.

I don't understand. You're being given great advice by people who know what they're talking about and you're ignoring it. Then you come here to complain when your tactics don't work.

Pretend you're single. You have two men fighting over you. One caters to you, doing everything to make you feel like you are perfect. The other makes a list of all your inadequacies and then shares it with you. Which one are you going to pick?

I know, I know, you're thinking he's not single, he's married and he owes me more than that. But he's not thinking in that frame of mind. He is in selfish mode, thinking only of himself. Whether you like it or not you are in competition for your husband.

I know you haven't read the books yet, but have you read any material on the website? Basic Concepts, Q&As, Articles?

It seems to me when you have encounters with your husband you are working harder to save your pride then your marriage. Pointing out his failures and making comments like "I'm a good wife, anyone would want me" are not going to help you save your marriage. You need to do your research to find out the best ways to make use of the time that you do get with him.

And by all means, get a PI and EXPOSE ALREADY!!!

Exactly. In other words, do you want to be married, or do you want to be right?

RN:

Ok, Now you have blasted him.

You have given him the proverbial Plan FU, as we call it around here.

Can you recover?

Sure.

But DON'T do that again, IF you want to recover this.

If you don't, then go ahead and read him items 48 thru 562 next time. And the next time, items 563 to 1015.

In that list was NOTHING about why you stayed married to him so long. If he was so awful, WHY DID YOU STAY?

How about making THAT LIST?

What was good. What WAS right. What could be RIGHT again.

And then read about Plan A. And start doing that again.

You did it for a week and he noticed. And then you stopped.

You owe it to your son, and to yourself, that you did EVERYTHING to save this marriage.

You started the process, now finish it.

Yes, your wayward husband is an alien. And you might want to say: Screw it. You can. But relax. Read the book. Learn about the plan. You might decide then to end your marriage. But right now your shooting yourself in the foot.

LG

Oh, and change the locks IMMEDIATELY. I'm betting since you negotiated with him about it you haven't changed them yet. And I'm also betting you don't have a key to the condo yet. He is setting you up to clean you out. PROTECT YOURSELF!!!

RN,

Stop the Madness!! :twobyfour:

I know it is shocking when you verify that your H is with OW. Nothing hits you in the gut more. Not even death.

I agree with the others. Pride is hurting you. I felt the same at the beginning, it was but this, but that and try to do it "my way", lost valuable time which maybe will cost me my M.

Should have exposed earlier, should have done a better Plan A, blah blah blah.

Read, read, read EVERYTHING on this site. If you feel you cannot handle your emotions you are better going straight into Plan B for now.

I know you are mad and hurt but I think you want to save your M. Before you do any more of these actions -- run it by the vets here. I know that I struggled with what they suggested but I know in the long run it is my best chance.

First, get a list of OW relatives; Is she M also, even if she is seperated expose to her H. Do not send out e-mails to the coworkers - go to HR and say there is an inappropriate R between H and OW, check your company policy.

Get busy with a "right plan" instead of spinning out of control.
Till you get your emotions under control -- do not talk, do not text, do not e-mail your H. Detach.

Sorry guys - I really am trying to get it....

Yesterday, I ordered the book. Tried to find in bookstore first but couldn't.

Employer sent me to employee assistance to see a counsellor and start FMLA to protect my job. I told her the whole story and when I mentioned informing his boss/friends/OW she looked at me like I was crazy. Told me that since we don't work in same department she didn't think there was legally anything I could do. Told me that if I did that I would start getting a reputation in this institution as an "unstable person."

She immediately called a psychiatrist that they use and made me an appointment today to get on medication. Says I'm on a downhill spiral and not handling things well as I can't eat, etc.

Appoligized to H about mean list and told him it was really never meant for him to read. It was just something I wrote in case I ever got to the point where there was no hope and I needed to focus on his bad side to get over him.

He admitted that some of the things on the list were true. Said "I promise, I never did any of this to hurt you and I'm so sorry that I have hurt you so much" Acted like he still wants to be friends.

Wow. Are you sure you don't work at my institution?

I turned in a complaint ethics violations and fraud against my boss in July, and for the last 8 months have been labeled a disgruntled employee. And word has spread throughout the place I work.

I have thousands of documents of proof, but it doesn't matter unless I take it outside of the institution. Still don't know what I'm going to do because I have loyalty to the place I work, if not the people.

In my opinion, you need to take care of yourself first. Talk to the shrink and get on some meds.

You really do need to expose him at work, but might consider getting another job first. Is that possible?

I've got to stay another year and a half to be vested. If I leave before then I loose over 6% match by employer.

He also encouraged my to change the locks and promised that he would never come over without calling first.

I suggest you read the SAA book before you do anything else.

And you can read the articles on this site about meeting emotional needs, stopping angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. You have a whole list of them that you read to him, and this is NOT the way to get him back. (Although looking at the list, I don't know why you WANT him back).

Most men have affairs because the OW makes them feel good about themselves. While you are telling him he looks old and tired, she is telling him that he looks young and hot. She tells him he is great in bed, etc.

Get on your meds, concentrate on yourself and your son, and get a PLAN.

I do suggest you make one (very expensive) call to the Harleys, but you need to wait until you understand this stuff better.

We are all on your side, and trying to settle you down for the battle.