gbf,

I reread your thread and it seems there is A LOT of emphasis from your husband on SF.

Especially when there is as far as you know VERY LITTLE interest in the women themselves such as no withdrawal period or problem with NC or trying to keep the affair going as in most affairs.

Is it possible that your H has a sexual addiction???

MB is of very little use in REPAIRING a marriage in which there is any kind of addiction to alcohol, drugs or sex UNTIL the addiction is treated.

HOWEVER, IT IS OF GREAT USE AND SUPPORT TO YOU!!!

Maybe someone with more experience with sexual addiction or a professional could help you find out if this may be the case.

Keep posting and let us know how we can help you and especially to vent...

God bless.

and



Jim

Jim, I have considered that but really don't know much about it.

Does anyone know of any good websites or threads on MB where I might be able to learn more?

I personally think that he just has an overwhelming sense of entitlement but I am willing to look into all the possibilities.

Thank you for your post, I really appreciate you being willing to listen to me vent. Hope you're around tonight as I have a feeling stuff is really gonna hit the fan...

Hi gbf,

Not sure how to link it but if you type in sexual addiction in the Search feature on MB Dr. Harley does have an article on it that will come up for you.

Start there with your "investigation" but keep your mind VERY OPEN as far as whether or not this is the case, as it is just something to check on.

Jim

Wow, I just got a delivery... flowers. I NEVER get flowers!

I wonder if he is feeling guilty. That would be a good thing, throughout all this I've never felt like I was getting true remorse from him.

Oddly enough, I just got a IM from the OW I suspect the PA with. She had mistaken me for a friend of hers. I had e-mailed her a few months after I found out about her, trying to get her side of the story to see if H was telling me the truth. She denied any PA, and her story matched up with his pretty well, except for a few inconsistencies. I don't think he e-mailed her with a story to tell me, this was a long time ago and as I said H doesn't get invested in OW so I seriously doubt he kept her e-mail address. Although I feel better about this situation it has left doubts in my mind about other things.

Trying to get my thoughts together, H should be calling soon.

Conversation went well. He had talked to his mom first so he had a head's up about it. She didn't confront him about the OW yet, don't know if she didn't have time or has cooled off about it.

He handled it well, got a little defensive but didn't AO. Admitted to drinking when I talked to him and suspected he had but denied going bar hopping. He said he did withdraw money from an ATM at a bar but it was the one in the hotel he's at and the only ATM there. I still feel like he's asking me to believe 2+2=5 but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt I guess.

I told him that trust wasn't something that would just be handed back to him and then when something suspicious happened he was going to be questioned about it so just stop doing things that were suspicious. He said he understood and we brainstormed about things he could do to start to rebuild trust, for example paying for everything with his debit card so I could see where he was spending money. Also being accountable for all his activities not only to help build trust but to help break him of IB.

I feel so emotionally drained right now but I'm trying to stay positive.

I also thought sex or love addiction.. Which is why I asked you if your husband knew why he was having urges to push the envelope and repeat the behavior.

Here's a bunch of resources for you:

For sex addiction: Anything By Patrick Carnes
Recovery nation.com

There's a few 12 step groups for you: COSA and S-Anon. There's also a bunch of different 12 step groups for him.

Pia Mellody also has a book out called "Facing Love Addiction."

There are also therapists that specialize in sex addiction. You might benefit from seeing one, if you feel that might be helpful. Mainstream therapists are not trained to deal with addiction issues, let alone sex/love addiction.

If your husband has an addiction or compulsive behaviors, he's got to do the work to heal himself, to fix his brokenness.

This IS completely fixable. My husband's been sober for 2 years now, with no slips. We've both healed ourselves enough that we can now fix our marriage.

Hi gbf,

Wow! What a huge load to digest in addition to taking care of twin girls!

It IS a little odd that you would get BOTH flowers from your H AND an IM in the same day from one of his OW...

Are you and your MIL close? If so perhaps she can help you shed some light on the situation. She may prove to be a valuable ally with the little ones being involved. Sometimes inlaws are of little help to the spouse BUT do have some influence for their grandchildren if enlisted early enough before the wayward spouse can spin the story...

Keep gathering information on BOTH your H and on the possibility of sexual addiction and remember that waywards will swear on their babies lives that they are not doing anything wrong...

VERIFY EVERYTHING THAT HE TELLS YOU!!!

God bless.

Jim

gbf,

I only read the first page or so of your thread. I understand you needing help on Admiration and Appreciation....I recommend the book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggeriches. He is WONDERFUL at explaining WHY men NEED admiration and appreciation, even better than Dr. H did in HNHN. While I LOVE LOVE LOVE everything Dr. H says in SAA, HNHN, FILSIL (well, SAA and MB here DID help me in ending WH sorid affair....), this book is also an eye-opener for me, especially into the male mind.....

Anywho, carry on.....

not2fun

irc, thank you so much for all the resources. I will definitely look into them.

Jim, yes it has really been a struggle. I do not think the flowers and IM are related. This A happened about a year and a half ago and I had not tried to contact her in months, nor had H and I discussed her recently. I don't think my H would try to get her to contact me, he would much rather just sweep it under the rug and have it forgotten.

I do try to verify EVERYTHING. He likes to use the excuse "if I'm gonna be accused of it I might as well do it." This is of course after he's been caught doing something wrong. And my catching him is the "accusing". I really don't know if this R will ever be back at the point where I trust what he says without verifying. That in itself scares me.

My MIL and I are extremely close. All my family is across the country and she is really all I have here. I know she will ride his butt about things that he has done, but I don't know how much of a difference it will make. I guess only time will tell.

n2f, I will look into getting that book. It really seems like something that would help me.

Please keep the advice and support coming, you guys are really helping my morale.

Hey everyone, just thought I'd drop in for an update.

Things have been going well. I've been trying to meet his EN's the best I can, although its difficult doing it over the phone. Also been trying to avoid LB's. I can't wait until that book comes in the mail so I can learn more about them. H and I never discussed them so I did my best to guess but really want to read up on them some more.

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching, trying to determine what I have done to make this marriage one that neither one of us is happy in. Also been examining my EN's, trying to come up with ways I can take some responsibility for them myself, as well as being more specific about what I need H to do to feel my main ENs are met.

I'm trying to keep all of this to myself right now and stay away from relationship talks. I feel its too soon to unload all of this on him, and would really much rather do it in person. Do you feel this is the right thing to do?

Also getting together a care package for him and hope to include things to meet each of his ENs... any ideas?

Just checked the mail...got my books! HNHN and LB Hooray!!!

Time for an update...

This weekend was incredible!!! I guess all the work I've been doing is working as H drove in Friday night to surprise me. Although he's been away I've still been working hard on DS and AS but I had a feeling he might show so I had the house spotless and had put extra effort into looking nice.

As it was my first opportunity to try to wow him in person since deciding to work on our M, I went all out and made sure he didn't want for anything while he was here. Our time was a little limited as he had some work-related training he had to do, but I still feel like it was a complete success.

Then we were talking on the phone last night as he was driving back to work. I started by complimenting his appearance, which led to us discussing my desire to improve my appearance and the steps I plan to take. I mentioned that my life was going to do a 180 when our kids started this school this fall as I would have more time to take care of myself. (I have been a SAHM since they were born and ALL my time has been devoted to them) What I meant by this was being able to join a gym if I choose, or get my hair done when I want, stuff like that. I also mentioned it was going to be strange but nice to regain some sense of personal identity.

He totally froze up when I said this. I mean seriously, this great conversation we had just nosedived. Then he suggested I get a job when they go to school! I know that doesn't seem like such a big deal, but over the years we've discussed it several times and agreed that when they went to school I wouldn't work so that I could be active with their school and would be available for any activities they participated in. I can't help but think that he feels threatened by me having some sense of freedom after being chained to the house and kids for 5 years. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and am so thankful for the time that I've had with them and that I've been able to raise them as we wanted, but I have to admit I'm ready for a little "me" time. And the things I want to do with the "me" time are things that woud make me a better wife. Am I wrong for feeling like this is way off? I am so confused...

That's just his insecurity talking. People think you will do what they will do. I'd let him sweat it a little. I don't see how it could hurt for him to wake up a little to the fact that you have needs, too.