Hey thanks, I know I have two battles. The alcoholism has to be addressed before the marriage issues can be resolved. Really if I look back on it, 90% of the time shes done or said something stupid or I have been hurt alcohol was part of the equation. Even she knows she has an issue but I'm afraid it will be a lifelong struggle.

First of all I do have to apologise to BK he did not say leave your wife I just read his post way too quickly and assumed. Me bad ... BK as punishment I promise not to watch any cricket until the next test.

So Zach have you thought about what most posters here observe is happening between your wife and yourself?

And yes she may not know she is doing this manipulation because it probably is a reflex reaction by now.

I feel you really need professional help to work through this so get onto the Harleys asap..

Life is far too short to let this rubbish go on and on. And you deserve happiness and you know.. perhaps your wife does as well.
You guys need to decide how that can come about.

I"m trying to see this for what it is. You guys are getting my emotionally charged verbal rants, while there are two sides to every story. Please dont misunderstand-I'm not trying to defend my wifes behavior, I wish we could get to the point where she would join the MB Forum and we could get input and suggestions from you guys (and ladies:))

I'm hoping she can work through her anger at me enough to open a dialog, where we can put everything on the table. like we did before after DDAY. She did lie to me, maybe if it was just to protect my feelings, and shes going to have to face it sooner or later. When I was questioning her (before she knew about the recording) she admitted the her AP came up in her discussion with her friend but it was only a brief comment and she couldnt remember what was said. BUT she did say it was not aout penis size, ouch!(of course it was!)

Zach,
Why do you not value yourself enough to think you deserve to be treated better? Your wife is the one that lied, is the one that is an alcholic and when she does "stupid" things you excuse her behavior. If you don't get a set of balls now - you are right - your marriage will be a struggle.:twobyfour:

GG

I agree with you about getting thinks in order. I have a question for you. How would you respond if your Husband asked you a personal question (like size) would you evade the truth to protect his feelings, especially if you knew it would hurt him?

You have been a great supporter and I appreciate all your posts and feedback.

It's funny you ask because this conversation came up recently. I believe you should focus on the positive, not the negative. I did not talk about size because it was not important to me - I prefer a really good lover over size. I told him the other guys were lousy lovers and I never had O with them (which is the truth.) He was happy with my response. We have talked openly about what we like when it comes to SF and that has helped us be the best lovers with each other. I would not have done what your wife did because I would never put my H down in front of anyone - I will always build him up.

I hope I answered your question.

Did you read the article in the link I sent you?

GG

Zack I have to agree with girl. You must have some pretty low self-esteem. What your wife said to her friend was a glimpse of her with the filter off. She is a drunk, and when she drinks the truth comes out. You are an enabler, you allow her to remain in this condition and make excuses for her. And each time you cow tow to her, you lose more of your self respect. You allowed her to lie to you again about the other man, and did not confront her with what she actually said. In stead you come on this board an vent, about how she treats you. You have very few boundaries with her. Time an time again you sacrifice your self respect. I will be blunt. As you constantly back down from her, she loses more and more respect for you. A woman needs to respect her husband. When she doesn't, she will seek out a man she can respect. It may not be this year. Or next. But it will happen. You believe that by not confronting her, you are able to retain her love. It won't be for long.

Yes I have read that article before, however I will look it over again thanks. Ok so you didnt talk size but if he asked and pressed the issue you would be honest right?
I dont feel exactly like she put me down, the only thing she said was I was average, just dont think she should have went there at all, just the lame influence of her friend. I have to give her credit she does build me up in alot of ways, little things she says or does, she could have chose to do it with her friend if she was going to say anything at all.

That's my point Zach, she didn't protect you and build you up - she knocked you down - she valued her friend's opinion more than you, her husband. If my H asked me I would probably tell him "in my mind you are the biggest and best" and in my mind that would be true. Let me put it this way I would not like my H to tell me he liked his X's breast better than mine. I would prefer he states the positive about mine because I know my breast could never be like his X's. Breast come in a lot of different sizes but it doesn't mean a man doesn't get the same pleasure - it's all in preference.

GG

i come on this board to vent, yes, but to also gain encouragement, insight and advice on how I can effectively approach my situation. I think long term plan for recovery will have to include no alcohol, but with her whole family drinking, that is not something I see to be likely. So how far can I go if she never really stops completely. I'm afraid she could stop and be sober for 15 years and relapse and have an affair. Maybe i'm just being paranoid or maybe its something all BS think about.

Ggirl

"It's funny you ask because this conversation came up recently"

So your BH asked about the OM's size?

So you said skill was more important. You avoided the size issue with us. Did you avoid that with your BH?

When you got statistical how did BH respond.

Road,
I think you miunderstood me. My WH was asking me about my experiences before I met him. He wanted to know how he compared. I'm the BS. I didn't go into size.

GG

I can relate to this. I'm dreading Easter because of my family and their drinking. My H and I are not drinkers. I have read that by us participating in family events and controlling our drinking we're teaching our kids how to be in control in that type of environment. Knowledge is power and the more you learn about alcoholism the more you will be equipped to influence your wife, especially if you guys plan kids in your future.

thanks for the affirmation. Atleast with your M, your H and you are not drinkers. I'm really thinking at SOME point, i may need to lay out an ultimatum. I just dont have an optimistic outlook on her decision to stop.

I read on a previous post of yours you are a BS. I was wandering if your FWH is a member on MB. I think it may be awhile, but hopefully my wife will join and participate. It doesnt help that my family is telling her what I did was wrong (spying) and she believes it too so she wont discuss her "private conversation" with me YET.

So the big dispute is whether it was right or wrong for me too spy on her friends and hers conversation. I told her with the right/wrong issue aside, she still needs to address what was said, why he was brought up 3 years later (and in a sexual way), and why she betrayed my confidence.

I'm proud of you for confronting her. If she doesn't want to talk about that. Don't talk about anything until she does. When she asks you a question. Change the subject. Her: "Do you want beef or Chicken for dinner"? You say, " Sure I'll change the screen saver on the computer". Just respond to her question, like she asked a completely different one. When she asks why won't you answer my question. You can tell her "I feel exactly the same way". You have to give her an ultimatum on he drinking. I drank for the first 15 years of our I quit cold turkey 14 years ago without so much as an AA meeting. I drank every day. Six pack and cocktails. It can be done. If you love your spouse enough.

thanks ouch,
My plan was to confront her all along, I was just trying to get my mind and my plan straight. My wife doesn't drink everyday, JUST 5 of 7 days a week! and about 8-12 beers a night! She just cant come home from work and have a couple beers and relax, she has to go overboard w/ 8-10 average. If it were just her, I'd have more hope, but its hard to imagine getting together with her family and her not drinking since its something they all do and always have. Her family may not be alcoholics, but my wife is.

And the consensus on this thread has been that it was acceptable for me to "snoop" and I think so given our history, circumstances and such. My wife is expecting an apology from me for listening & spying on her. I think if she can come clean and sober for awhile it will help her get her perspectives straight.

IF I may ask a personal question, why do you think you never had an O with the others but did with your husband? I understand if you don't want to discuss this type of personal subject matter. I just wanted a woman's perspective... Thanks
Zack

After 3 years now I am finding myself wanting to know some of the sexual details that i didn't ask at the time, like sexual positions for example. I 'm finding myself thinking about it more and I'm not sure it is a good idea to ask. I DO think my wife would answer the questions honestly if I really wanted to know, but I dont think its a good idea to ask. First she says we should move on and stop giving HIM power. Secondly I'm reluctant because I don't want to give her a reason to think of him in that way. Should I just push off my curiosity or should I just get the details? Or is this something that will pass after awhile?

Sorry for getting it confused.

Only you can decide what you need to know. Individuals, some don't want any some want it all. You have to be you. Not some, not most.

WW is an alcoholic. Functioning alcoholic. They think they have no problem because they can hold a job. Only get drunk at home.

AA.