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Thank you is that the coaching center? $195 for the almost 1 hour. I am very new to the site just today so I'm still learning the site. I do try very hard but the forgetting thing is my issue and fear.
I do believe he is still undecided b/c she has been pushing divorce since Nov. and he gets angry and tells her if he's gonna do it he'll do it when he's ready no matter how long it takes.
He's made the comment to me that he didn't realize that I truly loved him this much so I think that threw him back a little and made him think it might work with us but he is undecided.
I just want the good man I fell in love with to be aound again. This all sounds very encouraging, actually. It's wonderful that OW is making demands. Even better that it's pushed him to the point of anger with her. Let's hope she keeps it up--it's helping YOU! SHE is love busting! Hah! Best part of all is that he's told you he didn't realize that you loved him this much. Part of the rationalization waywards have for their affair is that their spouse DIDN'T love them! You're taking that excuse and proving it wrong. Read up on Plan A (via the links on the home page) and order the books His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters by Dr. Harley. They will help you fine tune what you've already been doing for optimum results. Yes, the MB coaching center is one of the links on the home page, and it is $195/hour (and I got a full 60 minutes every time). Believe me, money well spent. Much cheaper than divorce, too.  As I was dialing them for the first appointment, it occurred to me that I'd lost my mind-- counseling via a web site??? NOT something I would ordinarily do! I see it now as divine intervention. Best thing I could've done. Read, read, read, and keep showing your H the best of you. Bite your tongue every time you want to give him what-for, even though he richly deserves it. You two can work all that out later, once he's recommitted to the marriage. Marriage Builders gives us a PLAN to break up the affair (Plan A) and rock solid (if conterintuitive) advice on how to proceed once the A is over. With OW making demands, and you reincarnated into the woman he fell in love with and married, you're off to a great start. Stay with us. We can help you understand the plan--we've used it ourselves! Right Here Waiting
Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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Thank you is that the coaching center? $195 for the almost 1 hour. I am very new to the site just today so I'm still learning the site. I do try very hard but the forgetting thing is my issue and fear.
I do believe he is still undecided b/c she has been pushing divorce since Nov. and he gets angry and tells her if he's gonna do it he'll do it when he's ready no matter how long it takes.
He's made the comment to me that he didn't realize that I truly loved him this much so I think that threw him back a little and made him think it might work with us but he is undecided.
I just want the good man I fell in love with to be aound again. This does sound like good news. You need good friends around you to keep you boosted and to change the fake smile on your lips into a real one.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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YES! If you have good friends, rely on them as much as possible. Vent to them. Your good friends and family will rise to the occasion. They have been a lifesaver for me.
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I agree. I would have ended up in a rubber room without the support and understanding of my grown children and a phalynx of the most phenomenal friends. There is no substitute for human caring.
And when those people aren't available, come here! There's almost always somebody around who understands.
Last edited by rightherewaiting; 03/03/09 10:41 PM.
Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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OK I completely fell apart and lost it yesterday and today. He was over yesterday to do bills and was yelling at me about some charges on the gas bill. I didn't charge them and havent put any charges on that card in 2 months. After further review he had put those charges on there taking her to pick her kid and drop her kid off at the airport. All I heard was " O." Set me right off, partially b/c I found out he took her to a hotel Friday night when he said he was going to his cousins house to help him with some stuff.
Anyways I told him how I have changed everything that he had an issue with and didn't know what else to do. That I deserved an apolog for being a complete jerk to me about the bill and that charges should not be on my business card for her!!! Never did get an apology. He stormed out saying he didn't want to talk about it anymore after I told him how she's the unfaithful one to him and she gets what she wants from him then goes and screws some other guy while he's at work. All facts.
So I sent him a text pouring my heart out about not knowing what else to do and how I was hurting ( big mistake I know). He called later and told me he was stopping by to talk. He never showed then found out he was with her all night. "He fell asleep" Never an apology. I lost it and I am a failure at this MB stuff. I just don't know what else to do. I have cried all day b/c of the hurt. How do you all do this? I don't know if I'm gonna make it. I need help. I can't afford the coaching b/c of tax season so the boards are gonna have to do for now.
BS 35 me
WS 36
M 13 yrs
together 18 yrs
Son 12yrs
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Oh I'm so sorry. I know how bleak it seems. The more you are hurt, the easier it is to let go, believe it or not. This is part of Plan A. The more you try and are unrewarded, the less love you will feel for him. Eventually he turns around or you fall out of love with him and can move on with more peace. For me that gave me so much more clarity. You need to stand up for yourself. You are being a doormat. Part of Plan A is setting boundaries. If he is using your credit card to finance his affair, cancel the credit card. This is completely reasonable thing to do. If he reads it as revenge and vindictiveness, that's his warped perspective. Tell him in a perfectly calm and cool voice that it's not OK to spend both your money on another woman and leave it at that. This is a perfect example of acting without fear (It's just ACTING at first, but you'll get the hang of it!). My wife never tried to contradict me when I just stood up for myself in this. Do what is right for you and your marriage. Anything he does outside the marriage deserves NO regard from you.
I know many people seek antidepressants during this. Dr. Harley recommends them to those who just can't handle the roller coaster. It is SHEER torture, so don't feel bad feeling that way! I don't know how to tell you to just keep living, but that's what you have to do. One foot in front of the other. It gets incrementally easier. If I compare my anxiety now to that of a month ago, it's at about half. Even during the affair, it was getting easier to just remain strong. You'll know when you've had enough. If that's where you are, PLAN B! Ask the kind people here to weigh in on a rock solid Plan B.
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I've done alot of soul searching about the things he has said and even though they were minor things (finances my looks arguing over little things etc.)I have changed and improved it all but to no avail. I'm so confused and don't know what to do. This OW has some power or something over him that he can't see past all of her BS she is dishing out. He's blind to it all. I need some suggestions on how to implement Plan A completely and being able to handle it emotionally. I have been having a rough time of late. missingshadow, The "power" OW has over your WH is simply that he is addicted to the way he feels about himself when he is with her--think about it--he gets away from the responsibilities of the home routine with you, the problems associated with your son, and is temporarily, at least, experiencing the high of something "new." All selfish, immature and irresponsible behavior. For seven months.You have exposed. You have corrected the things he complains about. You have lost 40 pounds. What more can you do? And for how much longer before you crack? Spend $195 on a session with the MB coaches (Steve Harley or Jennifer). Lay out the situation and ask for their advice. I think they will tell you to implement Plan B. It will take preparation, but you've GOT to protect yourself from his insanity and cake eating. They may tell you something else to try before that. Please, get the best professional advice, and follow it, before you have nothing more to give and WANT a divorce.
Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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After posting I went to my local Wal-mart and in the book section I found the His Needs Her Needs book. I debated buying it because the cover says Building an affair proof marriage. I'm past that. Will this book help or did I waste my money. I did order Surviving an affair and love busters from ebay so I should have those in a couple of days. I am more calm now but soooo confused b/c I don't want to see my marriage end. Everyone on here has been so nice and helpful thank you I just don't want to sound like an idiot b/c I want to keep trying.
BS 35 me
WS 36
M 13 yrs
together 18 yrs
Son 12yrs
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Buy it. If it doesnt help in theis relationship it will help in the next.
BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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It is your CHOICE and your RIGHT to keep on trying! But you're going to need something more than what you've had to work with over the past 7 months.
His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters and Surviving An Affair are all excellent resources that will show you how to proceed. Read them all, and absorb the advice in them. Practice what you learn, but be aware of your own strength and when it's failing.
If you find yourself running low on steam to keep up the effort, please call the MB coaching center and get help before it's too late and you find yourself not caring anymore.
And stay with us. We've all been there.
Right Here Waiting
Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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You are NOT stupid for trying! I worried about that so much and continue to worry. A marriage should be worth fighting for. What we're trying to get across is that you need to have standards and boundaries and the proper tools to have a healthy life whether you save your marriage or end it. The idea is to have a marraige worth having, not just to fear losing something that's already lost!
Let's say your husband's OW left him tomorrow. Let's say he comes crawling back, which is likely in affairs (if they wanted out of the marriage, they'd get out!). You might be so desperate to take him back that you forget to put in place measures to keep this from happening again. Maybe you have lowered the bar enough that he does this again in 5 years. The idea is to gain personal strength, regardless of outcome, because you can't necessarily control the outcome. If you regain your marriage, you want it to be better than before!
If you want to keep trying, please do! If you know that it's right for you, no one would fault you for it. Just try to ensure that you regain a healthy and renewed marriage, not a stunted and dying one.
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OK I implemented Plan A on Saturday (3 days ago). I let him know I was going to hang out with some friends and would be back later on in the night. ( he was supposed to call me so I wanted to let him know I wouldn't be home, to call my cell). He call bout 45 mins after I left with small talk and excuses for calling. Asked me how I was doing if I was ok. ( he hasn't done that in a while) Said I was fine and I made nice conversation. Of course typical questions..where are you, when will you be home, etc. I answered vaguely and politely. When he let me go I told him I would talk to him later on in the night to let him know I was home he said ok. That's it.
Since, he makes small talk but not too much. Saturday night I thought me going out made an impact but now I don't know. I know it's only 3 days but when should I start seeing anything from him? I know Plan A is about me being happy and doing for myself. It's hard and will take some time b/c I did everything with him..but I am trying. It was weird going out without him. Almost uncomfortable for me but I made it appear I was happy when we spoke or when I saw him.
So I guess I am just looking for opinions of if I'm doing this right, anything to improve on in my plan a, and when do you all think I should notice him seeing these things... Also do you guys have some conversation topic ideas to pass along. I did receive my 3 books today so I am getting started on reading. I am going to start with SAA first. Thanks to all.
BS 35 me
WS 36
M 13 yrs
together 18 yrs
Son 12yrs
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You need to start off Plan A not expecting anything. Otherwise you will be very disappointed. Then stay in Plan A for about 6 weeks, then it will be time for Plan B.
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Yes, as Believer said, there should be no expectations. This is VERY hard. You continually put yourself out there and often the effort is not responded to. This has the effect of grinding your resolve down, and making you want to try less and less. But remember the goal here. You are being the best version of yourself. If the wayward spouse takes notice (and they will) they may be pulled back. If not, you continue being the best version of yourself, and you will have less love for your husband. You just stop wanting to try after awhile and you have more peace about moving on.
I think the occasional text or email saying something admiring, bringing up a shared memory... even a little gift occasionally. The trick is to do it in a confident way and try not to express neediness. (One night I desperately texted my wife, "Can't we just stop this bullsh*t and come home and fix it?!!!" She responded with, "Are you drunk?"). Space them out. Express confidence and gentleness at all times!
They are almost completely self-centered in this process so don't expect it to get through at first. All the little things will paint and much nicer picture in their mind when they think of you. Groveling and begging just makes them feel more guilty and withdrawn.
For me it was when I gave up and told her I was done that she came back, so this is kinda the other side. This is the possibility of Plan B, or Plan Move On.
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missinshadow, Plan A is not just to show the WS what life could be like with a new, improved spouse. It's also for the BS--to show THEM that THEY can make changes toward becoming better people. SOOO hard not to expect "results," but remember, a wayward is foggy. And withdrawn from the marriage. Dr. Harley points out that no love units get through when a spouse is in the state of withdrawal. However, he most likely WILL remember the new and improved version later, when the fog clears or when trouble presents itself in affair-land. My FWH was not living with me when I was working the best Plan A I could under the circumstances. I called the MB coaching center for help on how to do it from afar. During this time, Steve Harley told me to: 1) Get a life. Get out there. Do stuff. Visit friends, travel to supportive family. Do NOT tell WH specifically what you are doing, but sound upbeat, like you're having fun with it. 2) Stay lightly connected to WH via little "nothing" emails every couple of days. My then-WH didn't respond to a one of them, and I felt pretty stupid sending them, but Steve assured me that even if he didn't open them, he'd see them in his mailbox. And that would force the reality of me into his little affair world. (FWH told me later he HAD read every one of them, but wouldn't give me the satisfaction of answering because he was "mad" that I'd "invaded his privacy."  See what I mean about foggy?) So, expect nothing for now. Just work the plan and wait for his affair to implode. Sounds like that's well under way already... Right Here Waiting
Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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I read what you said about Plan A from afar..I believe that is what I am doing now since my WH seems to be, in his words, "processing". I went to see my WH at his place of employment last night..I was upset that he wanted to use OUR line of credit to now rent a home with the OW..(now that our house closes in May). I went there just to see him..I had no idea why I was doing it..got myself looking pretty good and then we ended up talking for an hour. He quietly admitted that he is making a mistake, but can't seem to stop himself. He told me he loves me but it is different than it was before...I told him so was my love for him..that is the way love is..it grows to something different. I told him that I have had time to see where I contributed to his unhappiness, but that we made a vow and that I feel that I have not only the forgiveness in me but the will to make our marriage work. He said he would consider what I said..and hugged me close and strong before I left. I told him no pressure and that I was not begging, but to try to remember how good we had it together. The OW is not staying at the house with my H..she is barely there anymore..he is alone most of the time (the neighbour across the street lets me know since we're friends). Tonight I called him briefly just to make sure he was okay. He said last night was uncomfortable, but that it was alright. He did not want to speak of it with me tonight and I told him that was fine, that I am okay..adjusting, but just wanted to make sure he was okay and that he gets a good nights sleep. He said he wished the same for me.. So now I will send random emails just to say hi..that is how he won me over 7 years ago. The OW is in constant communication with her H and is having difficulty with the fact that her children no longer want to see her and the youngest doesn't even know about my H yet. They cannot move in together since the OW owes a great deal of money and her part time pay has to go to her H. I have a full time job AND a part time job, so money is not a problem at the moment with me..my H is all about money and being frugal as am I..so I am hoping that all of these issues bring him back to me. Let me know if I am handling this right. I want him to remember who I am..a quiet, forgiving person with a good sense of humour..all the things he loved about me before have not changed...any advice would be REALLY appreciated. I read so many threads in here and it is so sad that so many of us end up here...my thoughts and prayers are with everyone 
Me 48 - he 49
Empty nesters
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I read your thread and your story is similiar to mine. My husband left about 8 months ago and says the same things your husband does. we have talked over the months and have met for dinner a couple weeks ago. I talked with him last week on the phone, He seemed so down and depressed, he said that he does not no why he is not happy, sounds like things are not good. I believe that he is crashing and burning. Just want to see if he will bite after awhile. I have sent him a couple of text and he has not responded. This is expected? I just started my plan A 3/2/09. I hope it is not to late, but I have to find some sense in my self and balance. I will continue until I no longer can do it.
do you have any suggestions?
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I know that they read the texts..but they are not sure if they want to get your hopes up so they don't answer..but you never know when they will.
Human nature is a funny thing. The WS is feeling guilty, so if cornered they lash out. If spoken to gently and kindly, they feel they don't deserve it. It is hard to get through the glassy eyes and the defensive body language when once not too long ago those same eyes looked at you with love and compassion and those arms were wrappaed around you.
So they are not themselves. I believe for My H, he is in a depression, turning 50 this year..not found a job that is fulfilling (he worked in a plant for 28 years and then they closed). The economy is not helping and so it all came to his unhappiness. He job jumped and when that didn't make him happy, we moved..when that didn't make him happy..he dumped me...that is why I am not angry with him..I understand what is happening to him..but I just really want to stop the insanity.
Sunshine..it sounds like you have had a bit of progress with having dinner with your H..I haven't progressed that far. I have made the mistake of listening to other people and not my own self..and all they want me to do is kick him to the curb, but I can't kick a gey when he is already down.
I love him more than life, but I have to understand my limitation on this for fear of scaring him away.
Me 48 - he 49
Empty nesters
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Broken, I don't want to miss any of your points, so am responding within your post.I read what you said about Plan A from afar..I believe that is what I am doing now since my WH seems to be, in his words, "processing". "Processing?!" That would be "cake eating." Best for him, of course, to keep your "friendship" while he pursues the mid-life fantasy that he is 17 again.  I went to see my WH at his place of employment last night..I was upset that he wanted to use OUR line of credit to now rent a home with the OW..(now that our house closes in May). SEE A LAWYER ABOUT THIS IMMEDIATELY! Why should you have a part in financing this nonsense? Protect yourself! I went there just to see him..I had no idea why I was doing it.. Fear. Admit it, you're pursuing him our of fear. Understandable, but NOT effective. And he seems to be playing it for all it's worth. Earn his respect by getting a lid on the fear and the neediness. Pretend you're working on an academy award nomination, if that's what it takes to be convincing.got myself looking pretty good and then we ended up talking for an hour. He quietly admitted that he is making a mistake, but can't seem to stop himself. Doesn't NEED to stop himself, since he can plainly see that you will accept it all, as long as he throws you these verbal crumbs from time to time. Given that you've put up no resistence, why would he feel any urgency to even try to stop himself?
Not that you should scream at him, but have you even let him know you're angry about his deception and unfaithfulness?
Come to think of it, ARE you angry at all? He told me he loves me but it is different than it was before...I told him so was my love for him..that is the way love is..it grows to something different. I told him that I have had time to see where I contributed to his unhappiness, but that we made a vow and that I feel that I have not only the forgiveness in me but the will to make our marriage work. He said he would consider what I said..and hugged me close and strong before I left. I told him no pressure and that I was not begging, but to try to remember how good we had it together. The OW is not staying at the house with my H..she is barely there anymore..he is alone most of the time (the neighbour across the street lets me know since we're friends). Tonight I called him briefly just to make sure he was okay. He said last night was uncomfortable, Awwwww. Like YOU'RE NOT "uncomfortable," to put it mildly? My FWH pulled this pity party stuff too. It's manipulation of your feelings to keep you feeling sorry for poor, poor him! Do not be sucked into it. HE'S the one pulling the garbage, being UNFAITHFUL. but that it was alright. He did not want to speak of it with me tonight and I told him that was fine, that I am okay..adjusting, but just wanted to make sure he was okay and that he gets a good nights sleep. He said he wished the same for me.. So now I will send random emails just to say hi..that is how he won me over 7 years ago. The OW is in constant communication with her H and is having difficulty with the fact that her children no longer want to see her and the youngest doesn't even know about my H yet. They cannot move in together since the OW owes a great deal of money and her part time pay has to go to her H. Sounds like trouble in affair-land. Stay out of the way and let it self-destruct. Be pleasant but absorbed in your own life. DO NOT PURSUE HIM now. Be aware that this phase could go on for months, and you'll need a certain emotional detachment to keep from going insane, Plan A or Plan B notwithstanding.I have a full time job AND a part time job, so money is not a problem at the moment with me.. But it soon WILL be, if you don't protect yourself legally! my H is all about money and being frugal as am I..so I am hoping that all of these issues bring him back to me. One of those rare times when being a tightwad might help a marriage! If OW "owes a lot of money," she will NOT be a contributing partner. Hmmm.Sounds like that wasn't part of their original agreement. Good that the OW is destabilizing too, over her bereft 10-year-old.Let me know if I am handling this right. I want him to remember who I am..a quiet, forgiving person with a good sense of humour..all the things he loved about me before have not changed...any advice would be REALLY appreciated. Broken, he already KNOWS who you are. My greatest fear for you is that you may be overly forgiving. Which translates into "enabling." Which translates into more bad behavior coming at you because you are soooo forgiving. If this man comes back to you, and you still want him, best thing you can do is set the bar high on what you will need from him as "just compensation," a concept that it is critical you understand. Suggest you order the book Surviving An Affair. And stay with us. I think you're selling yourself WAY short. Maybe we can help you with that.I read so many threads in here and it is so sad that so many of us end up here...my thoughts and prayers are with everyone
Right Here Waiting
Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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Oh, dear, missinshadow. Sorry for the T/J!
Broken, do you want to go back to one of your prior threads?
RHW
Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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