I never spoke to his wife. Unfortunately I didn't have the benefit of finding this site at that time and I had no clue how to handle the situation.

I know that she knows, I know that for a fact. I gave the lady at my work the email account details and she showed the emails to her. As for what went down after that, I really have no idea. The emails weren't one-way, there was no way he could talk his way out of some of them.

The lady at my work was very one-sided and more angry at my wife. Some people just know how to spin things a certain way and apparently he was a master of it. After a while it became a he-said she-said thing and I was sick of it.

They did what they did, both parties involved were informed, I left it at that.

Edit: I just realized that I didn't really answer your question.

When it all came out the major in-your-face things jived perfectly. It was the details that didn't. He seemed to constantly put a spin on things that my wife was the sole instigator and he was just doing his best to stay away from her. Like I said though, he couldn't deny the black and white so his wife can't be completely in the dark about it.

The thing about it is, on the details that didn't match up, he made everything sound tame and my wife made me shudder with what she was telling me. Obviously she had nothing to gain, she could have kept it tame like him so I would tend to believe her story more.

By the way, I have scheduled the polygraph for this weekend and I'll let everyone know how it turns out. I just hope she truly understands that no matter either way it comes out that this is something that truly has to be done for our marriage.

They will be yes or no questions. So they have to without wiggle room. For instance.

Have you had any kind of sex with any other man since we've been married? Yes or no?

Did OMs penis ever enter any part of your body. Yes or no?

Have you contacted the OM in anyway since you were discovered?

Would you ever have sex with another man?

Make them direct.

Does she know that you are going to polygraph her. Did you look in her eyes? If you do be sure you are looking at her eyes. If she looks up and to the left, She is trying to figure something creative to say. If she looks down or won't meet you gaze. You know.

Just catching up here.

Sleepless,

You have the test booked for real right? If you haven't mentioned it to WW yet, there is a good way to bring it up.

If you have, how did the conversation go?

You can't force anyone to take a poly. They need to agree to do it.

You don't ever, I repeat ever falsely say you have a polygraph booked when you don't.
Nor, do you threaten do have one done.

Simply put, don't say anything that you don't intend to follow through with. WS's need to understand that they cannot be fooled with. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

A few other points in case I don't get back here.

WW should know about the test ASAP if it is booked for this weekend. Telling her a week before hand would be ideal, but oh well.

This will allow her some time to think, and hopefully come clean with more info, even if it is the night before the test.

Follow through with the test despite her giving you more info.

Discuss with the examiner what you need to know truths to, he can help you formulate some questions. Examiner will tell you when/if to let your wife know what the questions are.

btw.. are you US or CAN ????

Yes, I booked it for real.

Yes I told her. She shocked me with her confidence because I've always really thought she did do it but she thought that it would mean the end if she told me. She agreed to it fully with no resistance. She looked me right in the eye when we talked about it, she just looked a little sad.

I explained to her that I found a support group of people that have gone through this before and I came to them because I wanted to get past this. I needed to figure out what was wrong with me that I was still fixated on this thing instead of getting better. I then explained to her that I had glaringly obvious points in my story where things still just didn't add up and that I was still dwelling on them.

She stated that she was surprised, that she knew I was still having problems getting past it but she didn't know it was because I didn't believe her. She said she was nervous and that she wasn't comfortable having to go answer these type of questions to a stranger but she would do it if that's what it took. She also said that she wanted to do it on that day (yesterday), but Saturday was the only date I could get one that already has his equipment set up (apparently they charge you double if they have to go somewhere else and set up), and I still have a family to think about without draining that much of our savings.

One thing the poly guy told me was that he's had a lot of experience with this and he wanted me to respectfully relay this message to my wife "I'm very good at what I do and if she passes this it will be worth every penny, but if she doesn't you might feel like it's a waste of money". I've no doubt that statement has a purpose in getting their mind working a certain way.

I haven't explained the details with him yet, he said that I woud go in before her on Friday, he would consult with me on what needed to be asked and then bring her in for the polygraph. That's pretty much all I have for right now.

My wife seemed to have confidence that she would pass it and we even sat back down and I asked her a few more nagging questions. I had already known that she tried to have a PA with him and supposedly he wouldn't. There was at least one time where it's proven that they had all the time in the world to and no-one was around (she lied and said she was going to a wedding of a friend from work, his family was out of town). I also remember her coming home that night, we were talking and she just broke down and started crying. These are things that are glaringly obvious for me. Her story is that they got into an argument and he was being mean to her. When she came home she just broke down.

The next morning she supposedly went out to run errands and went by his place again. She said she took off her shirt and tried to seduce him but he had to be somewhere soon and they didn't. These things are painfully truthful for me, but I do appreciate at least knowing.

It just doesn't add up that they never did though, and I'm still having doubts. I explained all of these things to her and she understands. She didn't get angry, she was a bit defensive about having to talk about it all over again which kind of made me wary but she did talk about it. She said that she that he never wanted to take it that far, and it just never happened. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't, I guess we'll finally see for sure.

I also explained to her, as I've been explained to here, that we can't fully continue forward unless we both know exactly where we stand on what point we are moving forward from. If she is telling the truth, then she has been moving forward from that point this whole time while I've been waffling and lingering on that one aspect his whole time. Therefore, it does make sense that she can't understand why things aren't getting better. She knows exactly where she's coming from and I don't. That equation keeps jumping in there, it doesn't make sense, then I get angry and think she's been lying to me the whole time. Then I start telling myself it doesn't matter if I know, then that equation pops up, then I get angry, etc. etc. etc. I already feel better knowing that either way this weekend, I am going to know for sure.

WW will take the poly with no hesitation... this is great!

She needs to know that is a small part in helping to rebuild the M.

This will allow you to believe that she is capable of telling truths. That is all.

Choose your questions based on what you need the most, eg. was there sexual intercouse? Don't get hung up on the nitty gritty.

Remember, follow through with the test no matter what.

I do have a concern when she says that she didn't want it to go that far, yet she started to seduce him????

The test is extremely stressful. If someone knows they are telling the truth, they are fearful of an inconclusive result or a false failure. Understand she may be a wreck before the test and after. Don't be scheduling anything else for Saturday.

It is wise to have a plan in mind for all the possibilities of results.
Think about that.

Sleepless, I commend you on acting on the advice given. You could have allowed this to drag on for weeks, months....

Take care and good luck this weekend.

I think he said that his wife was trying to escalate it to a full PA, but the OM didn't want to.

These are the two statements that I was referring too.
Maybe the second one he didn't mean to write 'she' ????

Would a guy actually refuse SF, it doesn't take that long...

This could be a defining point to move forward from. Watch her demeanor the next couple of day.

Again, one of the questions has to have you had any type of sex with any man other then your husband, since you've been married?

Good question but I would reword it. WW has had sexual contact, which means yes she has had sex.

' Have you had sexual intercourse with anyone other than sleepless since .... ' This leaves no misinterpretation of WW.
Your wedding date could be a timeline or since Jan.2000. Whatever.

Sleepless--good luck with this--- I am hoping that you will get the closure you need.

I am glad that the people as well as the Harleys, seem to support the idea of getting at the whole truth, if that's what the BS needs, in order to go through successful recovery. One of the main reasons I dropped our MC was his response to something I said about my H's EA. He said "you need to get with your IC or somebody and figure out a way to get over this or it's going to eat at you".

And until I found MB, I thought that "ok this is my problem". But it's not. I don't have all the details that I need. I dont' have a complete timeline. Things still don't make sense to me. I know I'll never get an answer to "why" but the "where" the "how" etc., are things I should be able to know. Some BS's don't need this but I do and it was such a relief to read support for that here.

--
Edit: Sorry Vittoria I see what you are referring to now, I have a bad habit of skimming. That was a typo, it should read:

She (WW) said that he (OM) never wanted to take it that far, and it just never happened.

Hopefully that statement makes sense now.
--

Sorry maybe that came out a bit confusing.

My W wanted to have sex. He supposedly never wanted to take it that far. You have to remember the OM was having an EA himself.

I also find it very hard to believe, which is kind of the point. I know myself, and I know if I was engaged in something like this and had the woman flinging herself at me well...

If she's telling the truth then possibly this is a little game he wanted to play. A little background on him, this isn't the only time this happened with someone at the workplace for him. There was another girl that I only had vague details about that was "agressively persuing him" along with another co-worker incident that happened while they were away on training. No doubt there are others.

Another thing is, I'm a big guy, he's not scrawny himself, but seriously if I wanted to I could snap the guy in two. Possibly he considered that, who knows. Lucky for him, I had new tools to learn how to control myself, plus I also knew that I would risk my career.

Funny enough, the part about me and the OM going out to play pool on my wife's birthday, a guy approached him and tried to start a fight. The OM was terrified, I stepped in and backed the guy off. Now I wish I had watched him get torn to pieces. After that, the OM started talking crap to the guy and tried to get us to fight, and I had to tell him to keep his mouth shut.

There's a little background on what type of fool we are dealing with here.

I just thought of something.

What if she fails it and she's unwilling to tell me the truth?

I just assumed if she did that she would come clean, but now I'm starting to wonder where this all falls in and with what plan.

Well, let's figure this out and others can tweak it where needed.

#1 WW has a light bulb moment and reveals new info thus passes the test, or simply passes based on the info that has been given to you.

#2 WW has inconclusive poly results. This is confirmed by the examiner, not your interpretations of the results. IMHO, this would be the worst scenario since you are back at square one with not knowing what you are dealing with.

#3 WW fails the poly.

Plan for #1
* Learn about the MB R plan on this site. Buy SAA & HNHN, consider the MB seminar this month, the homestudy course or counseling with the Harley's.

* Since alcohol is a problem with WW keeping her boundaries intact, and you admit that you are drinking too much... it's got to stop.

* You thank WW and tell her how grateful you are for following through with the test. Do not apologize for not believing her, since she has already proved that is capable of lying.

Plan for #2
*This will depend on what you are willing to do to R. Since nothing has really been confirmed/denied, but the fact remains that WW was willing to do the test.
If you decide to attempt R in any event, WW needs to be 150% enthusiastic in helping you recover and rebuild your M.

* Reschedule another test with a different examiner. You didn't mention a price but between $300-$500 is the going rate.

Plan for #3
* Tell WW she must leave the marital home with only her personals, without the children, and what the requirements are to come back to this M. This can be discussed in further detail here on the forum.

This will be based on whether or not you can live with someone who will continue to lie to you and likely cheat again.

* There needs to be a harsh consequence for not telling the truth IMMHO.




This is all based on what I was prepared to do.

Check out Believers guide on questions for the polygraph.

She give excellent advise on who and how to use. I would keep a copy of all the results and send a page to OMW.

Sorry, I don't know how to click you the post.

Well guys, I really wish there was input on the plan options I laid out..... even confirmation of mine???
I know others must have suggestions, all are welcome

Good luck today Sleepless, I wish you the best and I know how hard this is.

We went in this morning. The polygraph guy talked to me for a while, called her in and talked to her for a while (from what she told me, to make it absolutely clear to her that the truth was still an option, and to sign paperwork for consent).

He then came out to me privately and we went over the questions. I tried following the suggestion to look up believer's posts but there are over 500 pages of them. I looked for a long time, but I just went with the suggestions given here.

They were very specific questions surrounding exactly what I wanted to know. To sum them up (this is not verbatim), did you have intercourse, did you have oral sex, have you made contact.

She passed with flying colors.

Sleepless,

That is so great! It doesn't make all the pain go away but it does lift a huge rock off your shoulder.

From here on in, you will know that she is capable of telling truths.

The motto around here is trust but verify.

Do you feel that this has been beneficial for you?

I strongly suggest the options for Plan #1.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Oh, and don't forget to tell your W ... thank you.

Maybe you can get closure now. I am very happy for you.

Sorry I was in quite a hurry earlier and that's all I had time for.

I can't describe what a tremendous weight off my shoulders this is. Although, watching how she acted and the things she said over the last couple of days, it wasn't a surprise. I expected her to be cranky and I can (especially now) tell when something is weighing heavy on her mind.

She acted normal, if not even a bit excited and that changed my mood instantly. I'm paying more attention to her, and I actually see her when I look at her now, not a liar. I sort of feel like I've fallen in love with her all over again.

Yes, I thanked her over and over. She handled everything great, and I think everything is going to be great. I also thank everyone here who opened my eyes to this huge boulder that was in my way towards recovery.

Also, this doesn't stop here, we have already looked over some of the material on this site and have planned some time to sit down, look it over and continue our progress. I understand this utopia doesn't last, and I may be in the "fog" as described, because this is really almost like day 1 for me.

I sincerly thank the people here and this site for explaining these things to me so I can take advantage of this opportunity and not blow it. I'm getting a bit mushy right now because I haven't felt this good in ages.

To newcomers, listen to these people, they can't fix all your problems but they can certainly snap you into the right direction.