Trying to figure out how to keep my brain from freezing when I try to talk to my WW next about the OM's mother and what I expect.
Monc,
I see two things that are working against you right now, well more than two, but two that YOU have control over...
First is the fact that you seem to have this notion that you and your wife were MEANT to be together, that you were put together by some mystical force or kismet or providence...
But the feeling of "love" is merely a response to stimulus caused by having our ENs met. You and your wife fell in love because you met each others ENs and in so doing began to foster in each other a feeling of well being and satisfaction or "happiness" that once established was present just by being together. Not romatic at all is it?
But that is how your wife fell in love with OM as well. The thing is she let it happen and did not protect your marriage or herself from his meeting those ENs, maybe because she hadn't had them met by you in quite a while but maybe just because she didn't know any better. And NOW she feels like it was something magical, kismet, providence that brought THEM together.
The second thing I see here is that you insist that if you could just reason with her, explain to her the right way that what she is doing is wrong, because your were MEANT TO BE, after all, that everything would work out for the better and things would become like they should be.
I have no idea how much you have read here on this site, but almost any thread started by a betrayed husband takes the same course most of the time. The begging and pleading and whining is followed by attempts to educate the wayward wife into doing what is right.
Eventually some guys understand that to fix what's wrong with your marriage you have to actually have a marriage and in order to have one you have to either save the one you have or get a new one with somebody else. Those that never reach that point divorce, whine about it and seldom come back here for updates since they feel that MB let them down because we couldn't help them save their marriages.
I have news for you...NOBODY here can save your marriage. You MIGHT be able to save it, but you have to know how to do it and the best way to learn that is to read more than just the answers to the questions you can dream up.
1) You can't fix anything right now as it applies to your WW
2) You have to fight the affair, not OM, not your WW, the AFFAIR.
3) WW and OM will not help you in any way, shape or form.
4) You need to have a plan of action, not a bunch of things to do as you get around to them, or things to try one at a time till you hit the magic button (there is NO magic button) but a unified, one step after another, bonafide PLAN.
5) You need to KNOW what your wife's top 3 or 4 ENs are. You can guess; you can try different things; you can identify what your own top ENs are and try to translate them into hers, but the only thing that will work is to actually identify her ENs so that YOU can start meeting them.
6) You need to stop trying to scare her, coerce her or shame her into returning to you. You also need to stop trying to educate her, teach her and pressure her into coming home.
7) You need to look deep inside yourself and identify those things that you know are love busters. (Not as hard as you might think considering the list and description of just about every one known is on this site (there are basically 6 of them) and once you have identified your own love busters you must rid yourself of them completely and totally.
8) You need to stop trying to fix her and work on improving yourself so that YOU are a better choice than OM. If every interaction with you is stressful, results in an argument or causes her to feel unhappy, she will prefer OM who makes her feel good over you.
9) You need to commit to meeting her ENs while killing love buster even though she will not respond the way you would like. It will be your own expectations that will result in your demise. You will lose hope when she doesn't react the way you WANT her to and not be able to continue the fight.
10) You need to pull the rope tight, get a grip and hang on if you expect to make the whistle. Bull riders only need to go 8 seconds. You're going to need to go at least 3 or 4 months getting NOTHING from her in return.
And THAT is just the basics of Plan A from the carrot side of the equation.
On the stick side you need to do everything you can do to put pressure on the affair...NOT on her but on the affair itself. Exposure is for THAT purpose only. It is not a bargaining chip, a negotiating tool or a threat to be wielded when you aren't getting your way the way she threatens divorce when you are interfering with her affair.
You need to protect your finances and ensure that you do not inadvertently fund the affair in any way. If she wants to live alone, let her live alone, but you do not pay her rent. You don't pay for her car, her gas, her lunch or her medical expenses as long as she continues the affair. You stand in the way of her destroying the marriage in any legal way you can without actually physically restraining her.
You keep this up for the 3 to 4 months I explained above and then evaluate whether or not you can go another 2 or 3. Then you get to think about Plan B. And in Plan B you have to move on as if you will have to be without her while not actually ending the marriage, closing the door, but not nailing it shut while offering her a way to come home.
Then, after a couple of years, you decide if you need to divorce or just live as a eunuch the rest of your life.
Saving your marriage will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your entire life. And if you win and get her back, you get to try what is even harder and that is recovery. But don't try to recover before you save it or you won't have anything to recover. Save it, then fix it. If you try to fix it in order to save if there will be nothing left to fix.
Get a PLAN and execute it step by step. Right now you're responding to whatever she does or says. Start ACTING instead of reacting if you want to save your marriage.
And just so you know, you stand little chance if you do it all just right. If you do it the way you've been going, you might as well quit while you're still alive.
Your own romantic notions stand in the way of you understanding what you need to do to save your marriage. Love ain't magic and there is no magic to fix this. Pull your hat low, your rope tight and hang on. This ride will be the toughest of your life.
Cowboy up!
Mark