This is my first post. At end of Dec., WH confessed affair. We decided we could save marriage and WH immediately told OW no contact. She repeatedly threatended suicide and then within days, the OW said she was pregnant. Then she said she was going to have abortion. Then, despite WH's request for NC, she continued to text him telling him repeatedly how horrible he was for leaving her to have abortion alone. WH ignored texts (but shared all with me). OW sent letters (to me and others) and we continued to ignore her. Finally, rather than texting her undying love for my WH, she got angry (which was actually good since we hoped it meant she was moving forward with recovering from this). Then she said she's actually pregnant as she could not go through with abortion. But b/c she was continuing to harass us (yes, emailed me too), WH was able to get block put on phone. She still found ways (through use of others' phones, for example) so I contacted HER husband (they had been separated, heading for divorce but she took him back when my WH ended affair). Since then, NC at all (amen!).
My marriage is better than ever as WH is incredibly remorseful and he's been working so hard on restoring trust and clearly is devoted to being a good marriage partner. The issue I'm trying so hard to deal with now is how not to constantly worry about status of pregnancy (is she? isn't she? If she is, what will happen? etc. etc.) I ruminate a lot about this and it's incredibly stressful to me. We will only know for sure if she really is pregnant by going to city hall after supposed due date to check birth records (or if my husband gets served with paternity suit).
How do people deal with this kind of worry and fear? I cannot contact her as I'm afraid it would set her off again and we're so much better off without contact...so it doesn't seem like there's any way I can know until after supposed July due date. Any advice to help me not get stuck on these worries would be so much appreciated.

I think that she's trying DESPERATELY to get your husband's attention back with "critical" situations that would warrant him wanting to be there. Suicide, pregnancy, abortion etc.

Since you've already exposed to her H and things got quiet, I doubt that she is pregnant.

Think about it for a moment......first she wants to end her life, then she wants to end baby's life and now she's back with her stbXH but keeping the baby. Too many "final" solutions going on all at on all at once. I think that she's continuing to hold on to the pregnancy status as a way of keeping you both wondering. Don't be surprised if she has a "miscarriage".

Ummmm. If she is back with her husband and he knows about the A, couldn't you ask him if she is pregnant?

Once of the really nice things OWH in my situation did was make his W take a pregnancy test and told me about the results. We also shared the results of our STD checks - the things you end up doing with people you have never met.

AM

So how far is she claiming to be along? Because with a "due date" of july that would mean she is 5-6 months along.....so she is showing I take it? Because I have never seen a 5-6 month pregnant woman who wasn't.

The OW's husband has anger management issues with which we are familiar (knew him from organization he belonged to...he assaulted an employee, etc) so we'd rather not have contact with him. I finally telephoned him a couple of weeks ago to ask him to intervene with NC request but he did not answer phone and instead, emailed me to tell me that he would insure that there was NC (which did work) so he clearly did not want to speak to me or he'd have answered phone or called back. So that's fine...with his anger management problem, it's just as well.

How fortunate you are that OWH shared pregnancy results with you - I am desperate to know but realize that I am going to have to just wait this out. The logical part of my brain says the OW has been absolutely desperate to get my husband's attention and that it's not likely she's pregnant. She's clearly mentally ill (committed herself or two weeks and got out and immediately started harrassing us again) so it's likely that this is all cruel bid to get him back or get me mad at him.

It does make healing from this more difficult as I am worried and upset about issue...but the good news is that I have husband who is doing everything right to make this right and is as sorry as a man can get. It helps.

We live half hour away and do not ever see her...the only way to see her would be to go stalking and I'm not into that as I wouldn't want her doing that to us.

We have no mutual friends so that's out too...

When was the last time Wh saw her I am sure it would have been noticable even if she was 2 months by december....morning sickness and such.....plus by that time she would have noticed something is up and gone to the friggin doctor unless she is a total airhead.

And technically she IS stalking you through her insistant harrassment via phone and email after being told to knock it off.

I would not be surprised if she shows up somewhere next. If you want I would be more than happy to call and tell her husband about her continuing harrasment and claims of pregnancy.....so what if he has anger issues....he has to learn to deal with it and his wife. You all have tried to maintain NC she is like a rabid pitbull.

He's gonna find out eventually if she is and he hasa right to know......HE IS HER HUSBAND.

SS,
I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but this is definitely the BEST place to be to find help working through it.
Welcome to MB.

Our OW was due in Aug of 2001, but gave birth to the baby in July. And she NEVER gave up trying to contact my H via phone or email... even when I began monitoring their contact via email.
Of course, there was no H on the OW's side to contact to help stop her.

My first impression of the way this OW has reacted to NC, is that she is not really pregnant. If her H is aware that she is pg, and that your H may possibly be the father, why hasn't he pushed contact himself?
My thought is that she was trying to cause your H to contact her and it seemed to be the only way to get him on the phone or even to get him to see her again.

Personally I would let this situation just lay in limbo. She is not contacting him, her H is not contacting either of you, and she IS still married to him. If she is pregnant, HE will be considered the father. And the only way they can change that, is if they have a DNA test to prove that he is NOT the father and then test any other prospective fathers.

This is definitely one of those situations that you should let "sleeping dogs lie."

Take care,
Stacia Lee

SL and everyone else...first of all thank you for taking the time to write. It is SO helpful to be able to discuss this with others who have been there. There is NO ONE in my life that I could talk to (except for one best friend who I am sharing all with) who would understand as you do. I have found just being able to share on the MB has helped my anxiety about this whole thing.
SL - I think you're right. What has held me from making contact to find out is exactly everything you've written. I do not want to disturb this sleeping dog - but I also feel such a strong need to know (and it is causing me such anxiety) but I think I may have a solution. My husband and I are thinking of hiring a Private Investigator (PI) to do some surveillance photos. We'd hire only a licensed PI and then we'd both be able to get the answer we need while having absolutely NC with her or her husband. I just don't think I can wait until or July or August to find out...
Have any of you hired a PI before? Was it helpful? Does this plan make sense?
Thanks for your feedback!

SS

Let's assume she is PG. First, you now have time to work on your M. Are you both reading any of the books here, spending time together. Is he an open book, complete NC, full transparency, POJA, etc? If so, great. Now is the time to heal your relationship to provide an united front standing together on issues to OW. Second, if she is PG she will be filing for CS and paternity soon enough. In some states the OWH is automatically considered to be the father. You need to know your state laws and whether she can come after your H for CS in arrears if their R doesn't last and he doesn't want to pay CS for a OC from her A. 3rd, do you have COM? If you have children, you need to protect them financially. Check with an attorney, if you do not have a CS order in place for your children prior to her filing, she will get more money for her OC than you will for your COM.

Assume she isn't PG. First, work on healing your M. Second, continue to work on healing your M because that is the greatest way to protect your COM and the greatest gift you can give them.

Best wishes,

Fled

PS, I would stay NC with her and OWH. Use a PI if you want, but sometimes they get caught.

Hi Fled...yes, we are practicing all the advice given on this site and it's been a huge help. I could not ask for a better effort from my husband - he is working so hard to deposit those love units. We are spending lots of quality time together and healing for sure.
Our children are all in their 20s and independent so CS for them is not an issue. I do know that her state (different from where we live) automatically puts the husband on the birth certificate as long as the couple is married or was married within the last 300 days. That can be changed though if both sign affadavit that husband is not the father. My guess is that if she is PG then her husband thinks its his.
We can't seem to find a reputable PI and I certainly would never hire anyone that hadn't come with a recommendation for being discrete and really good at what they do so it looks like that won't work anyhow.
My husband is much better at not thinking about the issue - he feels that we'll face it when and if we have to. How I wish I was able to do that. Besides the anxiety of the very idea of my husband having done this, I worry about the financial ramifications of this - it would absolutely change our lives dramatically if he has to pay CS. I'm afraid too that it will hurt our relationship because he'll have to find a way to earn the money for CS and we'll each have to work more, cut budget drastically, etc. to get that extra money. He's in his 50s so we're talking about our dreams for the future being drastically altered. That is why I so much want to know now rather than in August or September.
It's easy to say to just work on marriage and not think about pregnancy issue. I'd love to do that - I just don't know how to not worry about it.

Because, if she does sue for paternity you have to be united. The CS required by the 40 yr old first time mom for her OC after she divorced her 63 yr old H in my case is $750 per month with child care. The financial implications are huge. So, you want to protect your COM and your personal assets. If your H is willing, mine was, everything was converted into my name alone, all our assets, the house. The wills were redone as soon as there was confirmation, but this could also be done noting that there was a possible OC by "OW". Then you can decide how to distribute the assets among, surviving spouse, COM, and OC. In our case, we named the OC, and clearly stated in my H's will that he did not want anything to go to that OC. If something happened to H, then she could try to steal our family's assets, but they are legally mine (I provided most of them, anyway) and she would lose in court. We feel that the OC is getting far more than our COM are receiving financially from FWH because of this, and that OC and OW will get nothing further if something happens to FWH.

You will not be relieved until you know one way or the other. The problem is, that in some states, if they D, then the OWH can protest paternity for up to two years in some states, it varies, and then he would not be liable for CS.

Does the OWH know about the A and the possibility of your WH being the father? If he is aware now, then his choice is to try to save his M and then he may well bond with the OC and want to maintain paternity without DNA, then again he may not. Some like to make sure that the OM is punished with CS, for screwing their wife.

This will hang over your heads until you have DNA confirmation, one way or another, or until enough time passes with OWH to meet state guidelines that he is responsible for the CS. The state never wants to pay for the child's welfare if they can find a biologically responsible father.

Fled

So sorry you find yourself in this mess, when you where finally seeing the light at the end of raising your COM and enjoying a good future. It sucks! Trust me I know!

Thank you FLED. Because of your no-nonsense approach to this issue, you helped me to see that I could not just adopt a wait-and-see attitude about the possibility of the OW being pregnant with my FWH's child. I realized that you were right that if she was, I would need to take very concrete steps NOW before the birth so that we would be financially protected (as much as possible anyhow). So I drove to her house and knocked on the door. She is NOT pregnant! To say I am grateful for this bit of news would be a ridiculous understatement. Of course, I am also horrified that another human being would inflict such emotional pain on another - especially considering that I never did anything to her except love my husband enough to fight for our marriage. She was very remorseful and apologized a number of times.
Besides settling the pregnancy issue once and for all, going to see her also allowed me to put some demons to rest. I won't bore you with all the details, but I'm sure many of you know how cathartic it can be to see the OW, ask your questions and say your piece. I realized what a sad, pathetic woman she is and what a sad, pathetic life she leads. I was able to conduct myself with dignity and yes, some compassion (as she clearly has some mental health and serious marriage issues to deal with) and walk away knowing I was in a far better place than she probably ever will be in.
The NC issue appears to not be a problem. She does not want me showing back up again which I promised never to do so again as long as she continues to honor our NC agreement.
So thank you again for helping me see that I needed to face this issue head on. My husband and I can now focus on healing and moving forward in a much stronger and more fulfilling marriage. I have so much respect for you and others who have been through this and not only survived it but now share your experience and knowledge with others so that we can benefit from what you know. I will be eternally grateful.

Your Welcome!!!!!

I am so very glad for you! I know the relief for both of you must be tremendous. Now is time to rebuild your M. Make it strong and protective of each other.

Good Luck!

Fled