I don't know how to link my story to old post so I'll try to summerize.

Don't know how to link back to old post so will try to sumerize. About 1 1/2 years ago, 31 year old woman at H's work (he is 49 sent nude video to his phone. 17 year old son found it and was devastated that his dad was cheating. H denied physical affair and promised to break off contact. I should have known something wasn't right because we haven't had sex for a year and a half. We were both under a lot of stress at work and hadn't felt well and I thought it was that.At the same time we have been like best friends. Very close and talk about everything except us and our marriage.

About 6 weeks ago he started saying things about not being in love anymore and not knowing what he wanted. Said he wanted to separate here in the house.

He came home one morning with this big plan to clean out our back music room and put the stuff in storage so that we could move our bedroom back there and then redo our bedroom. Came home from work one day and everything from back bedroom was gone. Asked where storage was and he kept being evasive and said he would give me a key.

Asked about marriage counselling and he refused. Said he was confused right now and needed space. Put a tracker on his truck and found that he had lease/purchased a condo from a friend without telling me. He had moved all that stuff to his new condo.

When I confronted him he stayed about another week saying he wasn't sure when he was leaving. During that week, I did Plan A. He held me in his arms every night and we even had sex several times but he didn't say he loved me.

Also tracker showed that he had been to her house twice in one week. Confronted him and he denied.

Since he has left, I see him very little. Talk to him rarely on the phone. Not much chance to do anymore Plan A. Everything I ask about, he just lies. Still denies other woman.

He came over Wednesday night and stayed about an hour. (Came to pick up a $4000.00 check that had come in the mail for his business). He hugged me and was nice, but wouldn't look me in the eyes very much. Told me how he felt he was having a mental breakdown and had gone to a shrink that week and how much it helped. Says the shrink says he has lots of issues to work through including a lot of unforgiveness that he has held on to. Said the shrink made the remark that when he baited him to say something negative about his wife, my H defended me.

The last couple of days I have lost it. I have called him way too much trying to get him to open up and at least quit lying to me and tell me if our marriage has any chance. He just says he doesn't know until he has more visits with shrink. I know I am acting desperate, telling him how shabbily I have been treated through this whole thing. I feel I was tricked and made a fool of and I also believe he brought girlfriend here when I was at work to pick up some things from our shed and one of his vehicles. I know he lied about who brought him here. Was evasive then said it was the wife of a friend but I don't believe him.

I feel depressed that he doesn't seem to care about my feelings in all of this or my 19 year old sons. Its like you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth and he won't give me any straight answers about anything. I feel like he may have gone looking for shrink who would make him feel OK about what he is doing to his family although the shrink did put him on meds for depression.

He was supposed to call me back this evening - promised me that last night. I have not heard from him and he doesn't answer my calls. Just doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself.

My question is this. I get very little opportunity to do any Plan A because he doesn't live here anymore. Conversations are meaningless except we haven't addressed how the money will work or taxes, or my sons college. I'm thinking of doing Plan B but I have so much anger and depression built up that I have not been able to express and so many unanswered questions that I don't know whether I should do that now.

The man I've been married to for 20 years was my best friend and soul mate. I miss him terribly but he has changed into this person I don't even recognize. I want him back but I want the man I married- not this jerk.

Let him call you.

Be super nice when he does call. Do not solicit his conversation. You have had your say, now is the time to step back.

I believe you should not go to Plan B until you have ended your Plan A in the most positive way that you can.

Your last contact with yours WS was negative. You should end with meeting whatever needs your WS has, whatever needs you CAN fulfill at this time, and have a positive attitude before you go into Plan B.

Just be nice when he does call. Stop calling him unless you have an emergency.

Be nice. Oh, and NO relationship talk. Perhaps a few compliments about what you love about him

You are in Plan A. You want to have him miss you when you go dark.

You are worthy.

And did I say NO relationship talk?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

RNMom...

Has this affair been exposed?

Mrs. W

RN, here is your original link if anyone wants to read it so you do not have to answer the same questions.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2226946&page=1

I really don't know what to do anymore. My WH has been moved out now for several weeks. Never returns calls (mine or sons), doesn't come over to house to do things he had promised when he left to do, had his mail changed so doesnt come to pick up mail. It's like we are in no contact, even with son who is very hurt.

I had a retireed minister today at work that I took care of. He was such a blessing. He said H won't come around because he has so much shame about what he is doing. I think he is looking for a counsellor who will make him feel OK about what he is doing. Also has lied so much and done everything in such an underhanded way.

Minister says I have a right to be angry - just not vengeful. I wrote a letter tonight but didn't send it yet. It tells him exactly how I feel about everything he had done to myself and son and how much he has changed from the man I married and a whole bunch of other stuff I wanted to say.

I can't really do a Plan A when he won't communicate or come around. He is avoiding us both. I know he feels guilty about son.

I felt a lot better after I wrote the letter. Yes, there were some judgements, etc that are probably LBs but I don't think at this point that I have much to loose by sending. I went over all the consequences of giving up family, money, respect, son's well-being, wife that loved him, etc for adulterous home wrecker.

Should I send since I can't do a Plan A? He would actually like it if I did a Plan B.

RN, take that letter and now burn it. You are not telling him anything he does not know. He knows all of this...all you are doing is repeating.

I know I act on emotions but sometimes it is better to do nothing.

I probably should burn letter but why is he avoiding son and I? Is he planning to file for D or what is going on? I don't see how I have a chance when there is no interaction anymore. I think he is just living the life with OW.

Have you read any of these books from this forum. If not order them NOW and then you will understand.

Read, read read. it will make sense, especially "surviving an affair"

RN, I agree with hope. Burn the letter. But write one every time you want to tell him these things -- just don't give them to him! That's considered 'educating', as well as possible LBing, and is wasted on the wayward! But... it will do you good to express your feelings. Hopefully, knowing that you are not sending it to him will allow you to be brutally honest about how you are feeling.

Definitely get the books -- order them, or see what you can find at the library. Read everything on the main page re: infidelity. Yes, he's checked out for now, use this time to educate yourself.

Another suggestion is if you are in A and he is not around, send him short little letters telling him little things about home life and son. Keep it short, keep it light. Find a sign-off that you can use every time (like love you always or something like that). Do not mention OW or relationship. Do not guilt trip. T2L's thread has info from a previous poster who did a great job adjusting her plan.

Keep posting, keep reading and follow the plans. They will lead to recovery -- for you and maybe your marriage, but definitely for YOU!

I have bought and read How to Survive Affair. It just seems like everyone else in Plan A gets to talk to and see their WS.Since I already made the mistake of calling him multiple times one day and acting desperate, he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Wish I hadn't done that but don't know how to undo the dammage I caused. I feel like it's "out of sight out of mind". Also my son is feeling terrible and abandoned.

I know this guy is avoiding us and I think he has resolve to see this marriage end and it's easier when he doesn't have to think about us. I think he wants to stay in his own little world with OW.

He was very close to both my son and I for most of our 20 year marriage. I don't see how he can just forget us and have no contact. How long will this go on?

Where can I find 2TL's thread about the emails?

I think one of the reasons I have had such a hard time with my emotions is because WS has never been honest about what is going on from the beginning. And he has been so unwilling to talk about anything.

I am so sorry to hear you struggling with the abandonment of you husband of 20 years. It has only been 2 weeks. Hang in there. Take this time to read and take care of yourself and your son. How old is he? Are you exercising and eating right? What were the problems with the marriage before the affair? What can you do to work on those issues? Is this the first affair? When your husband does reappear, what can you do to show yourself in a better light? Don't let him find you desperate, clingy, and weak. This is really hard and you are human but plan A is about showing your WS that you are the better choice. He is not ready to face you right now. You have been married a long time. I do think that you will have contact with your husband again and you must be prepared.

Son is 19 and at a very critical time in his life. Needs his Dad. I can't be both a mom and a dad.

What do you think his no contact with us means?

I am not a professional but I would guess that no contact is the easy way out right now. He doesn't have to deal with the shame or guilt unless he sees his family. It is easier to stay away. Adultery is all about taking the easy road imho.

You have an opportunity to teach your son about forgiveness and humanity. My son is 18 and we have talked about family and forgiveness. It has helped heal our family. You can use this tragedy to teach your son compassion. People make terrible mistakes but are still worth redemption and still have value.

Have you exposed the affair to everybody that may have influence over you WS? This is a must. This will make staying away more uncomfortable. Everyone needs to know, family, co-workers, OWH, etc.

This is not fair but just be his mom. You are at a very critical time in your life too. Can you take care of each other? You can't make your WS do anything. It is out of your hands. You can only control what you do. Be good to yourself and your son.

RN here is T2L link. Start reading there. There should be some additional links on that page to read about plans.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2133954&page=260

If you read the book you will understand that WS lie, all the time. Sometimes seeing the family causes them pain so they avoid avoid aviod. The more you beg or ask to undertand the more you will annoy him and in turn love bust even more.

Right now -- do nothing. Does not have to be a Plan B but just show your H that you are not contacting him as he wants. During that time try to get your emotions under control. You can do this.

As far as your son --- you can't make H see him. I know it is unfair and sad but you can't force him. Just give as much support as you can and make no excuses for H. I know about this, my D15 has not seen H since Dec.

Update on my situation. WH has totally quit contacting 19 year old son and I so I finally called his mother and told her that 19 year old son told me that he thinks WH left because he didn't play college baseball like my H wanted him to do.

I wrote him email at work and told H that son is blaming himself and needs support right now. Ended email by saying he doesn't need to be around OW. Response was very cold but he did call son.

He asked son to come to his condo to talk. Denied relationship with any other woman to son (not true), and said a few things that gave my son some hope. Told my son that he would help us with some of the things that needed to be done here at the house and that he would do some things with son and I. Unfortunately my son told him I was knee deep in a clinical depression (which is true).

I know from the last 6 weeks that he lies about everything. I don't believe that he will do any of that. I have quit calling him since over a week ago. I sent him one other email Friday that just said Happy Birthday and signed with my professional signature - no Love or anything like that because he never does that. ( We work at same hospital but not in same building)

His response to email was "Thanks. Hope you are doing well" and signed with his professional signature.

I have exposed to his and my parents but not workplace yet. Employee assistance told me that I would be thought of as a crazy lady if I did that. I may still do that if he cuts off his paycheck to our joint account next payday. Waiting to see.

Have not yet been able to find number for her either husband or x husband (I'm not sure which) but will also expose to him at some point.

We are having little contact but I am being polite just keeping it very brief. I don't call him anymore. Would love to do more of a Plan A. Wish he really would do some things with son and I.
He is still mad about the hidden guns and changing the locks.

I don't think he has a clue how much he is going to loose if we get D (Financially and respect, etc)Talking to him about anything to do with us right now is impossible and I know from this site, the wrong thing to do.

How long will it take an A with a woman 31 (he is 49) to end???
It's already been going on I think at least a year and a half.

How long should I wait to do Plan B?

Yikes! I had to go take an anti-D after reading your post. Are you taking them? It should only take about 3 weeks for them to kick in.

How are you doing at work, or are you off on FMLA?

Also, I would tell your son that dad is in the midst of an adulterous affair - it has nothing to do with baseball - kind of like the movie "The Body Snatchers" where dad looks and talks like dad but his body has been snatched by the alliens.