It's been well over 2 years since Dday on H's EA. But I still haven't resolved my feelings about it. Lots of reasons there but I have another longer thread about that and other topics on EN. But I have a fairly simple question I'd like to put out to those BS's.

Do you/did you feel like you were "second best" after you found out? If so, how did you get past those feelings? If not, why not?

Yes, but since I know that feelings are not truth, I rejected those feelings.

I AM NOT SECOND BEST. That is the truth.

YES, I have and still do feel inferior to the guys she slept with. Fact is, they are ALL in great shape (I am not, im in fair shape at best). I do "know" in my head, she chose ME over all of them a long time before i ever found out about her ONS's (about 6 months after) but its still hard to get over in my heart but I AM working on it.

That is a great question, Pep, because I did feel that way for a long time about my H. I lost all respect for him so in my eyes he really WAS second best. I often asked myself what waa wrong with me that I would settle for such a chump's deal. It took a long to get over the feeling that I had "settled" for a "low man" in a chumps deal. That being said, he earned my trust and is no longer a CHUMP DEAL, but a good deal.

Good question and I tried to turn this around but couldn't really. However, I'm rethinking it over and over. I've lost a LOT of respect for him over the years. I recently wrote him a letter and packed it into his luggage (long story on a thread I've got going on in EN) and drew my line in the sand: In order for him to come home I want total honesty, I want a partner who will contribute to our financial security because it's killing me to do it myself, I want someone who will take care of himself to be around for our kids and taper his alcohol intake. I carefully explained how I've learned how much I can improve and where I am working in that.

Too bad he hasn't even acknowledged finding or reading the letter. Maybe I should mark that in 'second best' category?

I just have a hard time moving past feeling like leftovers because it was an old girlfriend (and in sharing our dating/love history with each other, he conveniently left her out--which wouldn't have been a big deal if she had just been a casual girlfriend--but she wasn't. Instead he always passed her off as just someone he went to high school with who hung out with his crowd) and because she (and all his other girlfriends as well as his first wife) is DROP DEAD gorgeous. Can't figure out how a big stud/captain of the high school football team, big D1 player in NCAA college football, totally hot-looking, etc,. etc, would have found me.

This is a question that I've been pondering ever since my separation in June. My stbxh had an ea with his "first love" last spring.

Quick history, my stbxh and I dated for 2 years and were married for 3. I was an open book with him regarding my past, and I assumed I knew everything about his. I had never once heard about this "first love" until it was thrown in my face. If I ever thought that another woman still had his heart, I wouldn't have married him.

I'm leaving many details out for the sake of brevity, but my answer is this...

I don't want to be first best, second best, or any other ranking. I want to be the only one. (children/family excluded) We all have past loves, first loves, etc. Why marry someone if you're still in love with someone else?

So, I offer you the perspective from someone who has chosen to leave and move forward. We did not have children. I will never forgive him for the betrayal. For 5 years, I thought we were alone in our relationship, but now I see that I had been living in this ow's shadow the entire time.

Sweetblessings, my situation is eerily similar to yours, except we have been married over 20 years and have 3 kids. In the aftermath of my D-day. the true nature of his relationship with her came to light and there was even a point where he said "she has some kind of hold on me" which he did an about-face on a few months later but that comment hurt badly and I am not able to move past it. It also never came to light that they talked by phone periodically over the years. He claimed that she always called him and that they only talked of mundane things such as how are the kids, etc. But she called him at work and I never knew about it--so that's a betrayal in itself.

And finally, he finds himself talking to her at a high school reunion where he is already thinking things between he and I are over but instead of doing the right thing--the thing that he'd have to "man up" to do and tell me that he was feeling that way, he just allowed himself to be swept away by all of her gushing admiration (it was vomit-ville, the things she said to him!) and launched into that EA.

I honestly felt like throwing my wedding ring and everything he'd ever given me into the toilet (still do) because if he married me with even a small piece of his heart still clinging to someone else, then our marriage is a sham. He denies this and maintains he said those things to her, thought that way about her, because of how low he was feeling about us, but the damage is done and I will always feel like thrift shop seconds. Not the best way to try to reconstruct a marriage but it's all I've got to go on right now.

OurHouse,
No children and short marriage were two major factors in my decision to file for divorce. Since you have 3 children and a very long history together, you have so much more to fight for.

Nevertheless, I completely understand how you feel. I tried to find more of your story, but I'm not sure how to on the new forum.

So, I'm not sure where you and your husband stand for now.

You said, "Can't figure out how a big stud/captain of the high school football team, big D1 player in NCAA college football, totally hot-looking, etc,. etc, would have found me."

Your self-worth has been rocked. OurHouse, he married you, had children with you, and had a 20 year marriage with you. There is so much substance in that. There's much more substance in your history with your husband than in his football past and good looking girlfriends.

Yes, he told me that ("I married YOU--I wanted YOU") and friends told me that. And he dated this girl for 3 months first semester freshman year in college (though they had a crush on each other in HS); he transferred and that was that. Then she called him about 7 years later out of the blue, having just been dumped by a boyfriend and he was coming out of a bad ending to a 5 year relationship with a serious college girlfriend. That second time around for them lasted about 7-8 months, or so he said, then she flitted off.

It's the fact that he just glossed over this history, while I knew lots of details about his other major girlfriends. What kind of O&H is *THAT*?

Wow. I want to feel like that. How have you been able to get to that point? In addition, I also relate to feeling that I've settled. Result -- I'm not a very happy person. Let's face it, last time I was truly happy, the rug was pulled out from under me. I would love to feel confidant again. How long did that take you, Melody?

About 2 seconds. I never would feel 2nd best and I never felt un-confident. To me, that would be an irrational response to HIS wrongdoing. The truth is that I am not and never WAS 2nd best - HE WAS.

What did take time was learning to respect him enough that I could feel happy around him again. THAT took a couple of years.

Years ago I bought a used car I thought was a good deal. Ended up spending a lot of time and money on it before it became a reasonably reliable deal.

I think he did spend alot of time and money fixing that used car. He is not the same car, that is for sure.