Been M for 23 yrs. My marriage (M) has been mostly one-sided. I was codependent and a giver. I constantly did what was in my power to please him and make him happy. Practically let him do what he wanted and gave him what he wanted. Love Busters on my end by my Emotional Needs not being met occasionally. Been faithful. Even now and not with him.

H has been cheating thru out M. Came home every night. Found out a few times. Confronted him and talk to him about what do we need to do to improve M. Things improved. Found out 5 yrs ago about OW. Told him to leave. He said he couldn't. Wanted his family. I forgave hm. Told him to break ties w/her. Gave him chance. Few months later found out OW had child. Told him to only assoc w/her re: child only. Not the child fault. Things going well until about 2yrs ago. I felt something wrong. Talked to him and asked what do I need to change. What's going on that''s not making him happy. He said everything fine. Nothing needs changing. Didn't believe him. Believe he's having an affair(A).

Found out A w/XCoWork. Confronted him. He lied. Told him M is over. Told him to move out & put him on couch. H didn't move so me and my C did. We have been S for over 1 yr. After 6 mos of be S, the previous OW had another C. which tells me the A w/her was never over. I was even more devastated to find out that all my hard work to hold my M together didn't work and I nor the M didn't seem to be all that important to him.

He calls about 4-6xs wkly. Sometime I answer. Sometime I don't. He said I'm best thing that ever happen to him (I'm 80 she's 20) and we will always be his family. Ask him if I was so great why isn't he doing anything about our M. He said he need to find himself and get his head together. He doesn't want to hurt me anymore.

Itold him that he can't have us both. Get rid of her. Suggested M counseling. He doesn't want to go. Told him can't go forward together w/o it being done and not sure if I can now that there are 2 C by OW and trust is really lost. If we do, I told him he must make the first move, lot of work required and prove to me that our M is what he wants. I'm thinking about telling him to no longer call me. Maybe that why he can't work our marriage because he calls and when I answer, I listen, give advice and sometimes help him with what he doesn't know. I think I am afraid to lose him totally out of my life.

My dliema: Due to being with him for so long and still love him, I'm finding it hard to get involved w/anyone else. Hoping separation will make his heart grow fonder. Am I being crazy hoping that he will decide he wants his M? Sometimes I'm not sure it's worth it. Am I wasting my time? Maybe I need to let go? Help. I'm frustrated. Need other opinions.

Welcome to MB. It sounds like you have a very immature and selfish WH. First thing, you CANNOT move on until divorced otherwise you will be cheating too. Next, get the book by Melody Beattie called "Co-Dependent No More" and work through the book. If you really want to save your M, get the book Surviving an Affair. Do a very brief (maybe 2 week) plan A and then go into a very dark Plan B. As long as you allow him his "fix" of his family he will never stop cake eating. Get very familiar with this site and Dr. Harley's plan for marriage.

As for the OC's. Was DNA done on either of them? Is he on the birth certificates? Is he paying child support?

Lastly, hon if he has cheated your entire M are you SURE you want him back?

Thanks for the info. I will get the book. Didn't know I was codependent until I read it on the MB site. I am reading a lot of helpful and interesting info here.

As for OCs, I told him he should because what if they are not actually his. He hasn't. Doesn't want her to sue him for child support. Rather help her whatever way he can. Not sure if he's on birth certificate. Know that she gave them his last name.

Sometimes I want him back. Sometimes I don't. My reason for not wanting him back outweighs wanting him back. However, I believe I want my marriage to work due to my being with him for so long and my children. I was praying and believeing that he will come to his senses and realize that our marriage and family is important.

I feel that I'm getting to the point that I will file for divorce. He's not really doing anything about our marriage nor is he meeting me half-way. Before I actually file, I will tell him to know longer call me and if he does, I will not answer. Maybe no contact with me at all will get him to think more about his marriage. If not, I'll file for divorce.

I will definitely get the codependent book. I need to make sure I overcome that so that I am not doing that in the future and have another failed relationship due to giving too much of myself trying to make sure the other person happy even if I'm not.

I am new to this. I found strength in this forum to do what I needed to do to move my M in the right direction. My H has 7 yo twins with OW and kept it secret until 8/08 when I found out. We are 9 days into NC. My H has no DNA, his name is not on the birth cert and his alleged parenthood is a secret.

I have told my long and painful tale elsewhere.

My question is, if you have been living independantly from him all this time along with your daughter, what do you need him for? You children probably have adjusted to being without him already.

Hang in there sister!

I understand where you are coming from, I am married 24 years with 2 alleged OC (now 19 &13, 15& 9 at d-day).

Seperation from him will probably help you with distance, it will help you see that your desire to stay married really doesnt have much to do with him. He is no prize. It is internally something you need to explore and examine within yourself. My d is 17 now and truly I honestly dont see any usefulness or point in another opposite sex r, right now.

i cannot even imagine how you could open yourself up to once again assume the potential pain that will come in the future if you decide to reconcile. It isn't worth your health and emotional well-being. You put a man who is really such a loser on such a pedestal(and you aren't the only one). I hope you are one day able to move on and see you are in a much better position for it.