If you can't convince her to quit with your love (rarely works). You will have to convince her with consequence. File for divorce. Separate from her financially (close joint accounts) If there is no consequence, there is no reason to stop eating cake.

Bump ** Up

I wouldn't file for divorce. Hard to convince someone that you love them and want to work on your marriage when you serve them divorce papers. If she really wants a divorce, let her do the dirty work. She may just want to get you off her back. Is the affair still active? How was your weekend? Six weeks seems like an eternity but it is really not that long for this situation.

Hiya, SS

I have no plans nor intentions to file for a divorce.

I do not think it is still active, but I don't know what to think any more about anything. The weekend was mixed as there were a bunchh of "I" statements from her instead of any "we" statements of the last 6 weeks.

I need X for me...
I need to meet my own needs...
I am the victim....
I have been let down by you in the past....
I have no will to live...
I have to take care of me....
I have no interest in meeting your needs... I have always done that

I tried to be positive and upbeat, I could have done beeter in expressing the negitive feelings, I was having not that it would have mattered.

I am starting to think this stuff is due to the depression, as she did admit to the possiblity of being selfish about some things in between the "I" rant.

I will say that she did face me and hug me on Saturday night, and I started to minimize as I laid there going to sleep. It started me thinking of the "good" ol-days which were not good or I would not be here. She knows full well that is a need of mine.... So I do not know why she did that?? Nor how to take that.... ? I do know I can not trust that, my thought process has really changed not so sure it is changed for the better.

Luvstill

Why on earth would he file for divorce if he wants to save his marriage? He doesn't have to file for divorce to protect himself. He's barely been in Plan A.

Luvstill, one thing about Plan A is NO EXPECTATIONS. If you haven't done exposure, you most definitely need to do that.

LS,

You don't need to bother with relationship discussions until the A is over and she has gone through withdrawal. Given that she is depressed perhaps before the affair, and that she seems to be in withdrawal, all you do is continue plan A, hang in there, and expect that: your needs won't be met, it is "all your fault", that you don't understand her, that she does not love you and perhaps never did, etc....


All of these statements are normal and spoken as if they are a script by virtually all WS. Don't ask me how this information gets disseminated but it does.

You are doing better than you realize. Have you told your children what is going on? I think they should know if for no other reason that they can be supportive of you AND odd as it sounds, your W.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Hiya,

I have read often here that we are not to take anything (negative) a WS says or does personally.

What are we to do with the seemingly positive stuff that is said or done?

A good number of these thing are contray to one another, are we to speak them back to the WS.

IE:
WS says "I am working hard a at this bad job for my own future"

But has said in the past 30 days

"You should keep working hard even though your job is hard, as our future depends on it"


Luvstill

I answered on your other thread, but you don't believe anything she says until you see actions that match her words. And even then she will need to display a consistent set of actions before you start to think that things are what they are.

JL

As someone else said, you are completely wasting your time in MC and even trying to analyze her words if she is still in her A.

Why are you not exposing this??? You are wasting your time trying to do ANYTHING without ending the A.

You are clearly on your way to being a doormat, and if that's your goal...then good job.

Otherwise, man up and EXPOSE HER AFFAIR so that it will END and you can get into REAL RECOVERY.

Hiya, MBer's

Been a while, but I am still in plan "A". and it is hard..... Ordered and recevied SAA just started it.

MC suggested I read Peck's "road less traveled " any one read it??

I committed a LB last week when she left to go to the Sporting event. I asked her not to go and stay home with me as she did the week before we had church obligations to tend too. She then asked why I was making that request I should understand that this is something she likes to do. I told her that it hurt me greatly to she her leave to go there while I stayed home. She then accused me of being controlling and being emotionally manipulating to her as I have always been. When I pressed she became real mad and brought up that in the past I had stopped her from going to a bar with her girl buddies. I tried to get her to see that this was a totally different set of circumstances. She would not see it………..

I then said ok then I will go with you, she reminded me that she was a big girl now and did not need or require a “ nanny”. I told her that was not my purpose in going only to spend time with her. I then tried to make her understand my feelings she was very annoyed. She then said she did not care how I felt she has spent far to long doing/ not doing things because of my feelings and my controlling her with them.

I know I am not to discuss the OM, for awhile (make bank deposits first) but I could not help my self she then told me he is my “friend” and how she has not contacted him for weeks, I called him the OM. She said this seems to be a trust issue and I said “ don’t ya think”, well It went down hill from there on her part long rants attacks on me and the past….(LB)

Up until it was 10 mins. Before she was leaving I was sitting in a rocking chair, rocking and praying she came in and sat on my lap for me to rock her she told me about a project she has been working on for her studies and we discussed that a bit….. Rocked some more she kissing my head neck me rocking the old rocker she complained I was making her sleepy and it was time for her to go. We kissed and hugged, I told her to be smart she exclaimed not to worry it is public place and when she was done she was coming home to me.

Well I am sure I do not have to tell you what was going on in my head, not that I could I felt like I was losing my mind……. She came home on time, and crawled in to bed embracing me and kissing me I am sure to comfort me, but I felt like just crawling under a rock and giving up the ghost.

The last couple of days she has been talking about having sex with me….. ?????

Messed up! told you "never share your feelings"

Share your feelings get attacked, belittled remind WS I am trying to do that here = more attacks and deflection...

Share your feelings told you are controlling WS with them..

Luvstill

Anytime a WS says, "You're trying to control me!" what they're really saying is, "You're interfering with my affair!"

My WXH did the same thing. He'd be sweet and generous while he was at home, but when he'd leave for work he would put up a solid wall. When I wanted to talk about what he was doing, or have ME meet him for lunch or ME go with him on a business trip, he would get furiously angry and snarl, "That feels like control!"

I'll bet your WW really hates the idea of POJA too, doesn't she? "that feels like control!!"

The bottom line is, your WW is still actively involved in an affair and she's bullying you so you'll stay out of it and just wait on the sidelines for crumbs. And she will do this for as long as you will.

If you want this to stop, you're going to have to bust up her fantasy life by exposing it and by refusing to settle for crumbs.

As is often said around here - your marriage CAN withstand her anger. It CANNOT withstand her dating/sleeping with another man.
Mulan

Thanks, Mulan!

You cannot change what WW is going to do. I do not understand why you cannot express your feelings. I would have said that how does she think you must be feeling when she is going out with enabling friends.

How do you feel when she knows that you cannot trust her, she goes alone.

These are not argumentative, these are your feelings. And you do not need to mention that she is disregarding them.

Luvstill,
you seem to be ignoring, or not getting the fact, that exposure is a VITAL part of plan A, the "stick" part of the plan. Without it, and the pressure it will bring on the affair to end, NOTHING else you do in plan A will matter. NOTHING.

While the affair is ongoing (and it seems to me that it is, her resistance to you going with her to the sporting group is telling) you will simply NOT be able to meet her needs-the OM is already doing so! You MUST cut her off from the OM so you can have a chance of replacing him in her heart. Exposure is your best, and probably ONLY way to do this.

If you feel you can't expose to her family because she doesn't talk to or associate with them, then expose to those she DOES associate with-the sporting group, mutual friends, your kids. Most importantly, find out if the OM is married, and if so, expose to HIS wife! That will bring pressure from the other end to end the affair, which could lead to the OM ending it to keep HIS marriage.

You MUST expose the affair-it's your ONLY chance to end it before it ends your marriage. Once you have CONFIRMED that the affair is over, THEN you can apply yourself to fully meeting your wife's needs. But right now, the OM is meeting those needs, and she's just doing what little she has to with you so you won't interfere with her fantasy.