NsS,
Have you both filled out the EN questionnaire? Is he working with using the concepts here or are you doing all the work? Don't forget you have needs too - he needs to want to work on that - it's not all about meeting his needs and you feeling guilty about your part in the M. But this typically - I blamed myself after DD - I don't do that anymore. I didn't choose to cheat, he did. Let your WH know your need to communicate. It's okay for you tell him you need him to listen and that he doesn't have to put on the Mr. Fixit hat - just listen. As for trying to contact OW - you will get opposing opinions on this. I contacted OW via cell phone and it accomplished nothing but gave her power over how I was feeling. It was a total waste of my time because - can you truly believe what the OP will tell you? I put my efforts and focus on M and R. That is your best weapon against OW.

GG

GG

GG,
The "funny" thing is we/I looked at the EN questionair in ´06, when WH slipped up, but didn´t follow through with it. I guess we both thought that since he stopped drinkiing it was not a problem. We looked at the ENQ again now, I asked him to fill it out and discuss with me, to commit to the 15 hrs, but he hasn´t really. I guess he doesn´t feel the need for structue in R. I desperately need structure, and a path and tasks so that I can feel like we are working on this, not just hoping for it to pass.

We talked about the EN, and I talked about mine, without formally filling in the Q. I am and have been very clear on my needs ... he feels like my need to talk doesn´t really resolve anything ... guess he has the "fix-it" hat on

That really brings me back to my main concern, does he have the presence of mind to really work on things? He would rather just cruse through life with out activly engaging ... but he was fully engaging and active in the A!!!!

This is something that I have complained to him about, that he really did the "give and take" game well with OW, took the small hints and acted on them, which he doesn´t do with me. So I give bigger hints, then he feels like I´m pushing him in a direction ... I can´t win. I feel so typical, a wife taken for granted.

NsS,
The thing about the concepts here is that there is an order to them and there is a reason for that order. Go the link and read what it says because without a plan your relationship is probably doomed to fail - you need a plan.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

GG

Here's the carrot and the stick Plan A thread someone mentioned earlier...

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2224241&page=1

Hi GG,
Thanks for those links, it cleared up a misunderstanding on my part. I thought plan A was a general plan for rebuilding M ... guess I wasn´t in good shape when I read it. WH says that he broke it off with OW two days prior to Dday, the day after I showed up at his office and crowded his "group date" with her. It really shook him up. When I confronted OW, 2 days after Dday, she also said they broke it off the same day he said. I didn´t believe WH originally, but I think I do now. But then again, I´m gullible

I think it is very important to read and RE-read, again and again. Now I got from it that plan A was to use if WSpouse refuses to break it off. Not only did he say he already had broken it off, but we moved away and I am very confident that there is NC. We have spent so much time together, he really hasn´t had time to. First after moving we spent 24/7 together finding housing and setting up house. In the first weeks after Dday, he did see her occasionally at work, but there was no communication. It may have delayed he withdrawal ... who knows.

Any way, I just now ordered an itemized phone bill for the last 3 months. I didn´t realize I could just call and ask for one! And I wasn´t even calling from his phone. But I guess they don´t have strict procedures for that with that company!!!

I´m still fighting my urge to try to access her e-mail ...

Part of plan is making sure there's NC. I would recommend you do the EN again. Needs change. I did the EN with my FWH again a few months ago because I knew my needs changed. You are right about rereading articles or books - I do that all the time. I always learn something new. It sounds like your WH is committed to R. You should have to make sure and follow-through with the steps here. I wish I had known about this site after DDay. I found it after four months of MC.

!!!!! This trickle truth is driving me crazy, it really is.
So I think we are doing ok, and out of the blue, we are talking about an event, and out comes a small detail, I go: wait a minute, did THAT happen ... uh, uh yeah, and out comes another story. I though I had it all, I thought we could work through the details, I could learn to live with it, then I´m slammed with new information that I was deliberatley mislead about.

I know, it fits the playbook, to the T.

So I start going crazy with the details again, working on the timeline, looking for new evidence and so on. I ordered the itemized phonebill, still waiting for it, it should come any day now. But I boke down and sent the OW an e-mail, I wanted to have NC aswell, as I had left our encounter on the moral highground, but I stooped to the level of crazy wife (I hate being that person, and that WH made me that way!!) OW responds, I wanted some detailse, she said she didn´t remember, and didn´t have any records.

The "funnny" thing is when I told WH that I contacted OW, he was outraged, that I shouldn´t bring her into our marriage (yeah right, HE DID THAT). I get all upset, that he doesn´t see that this is an expression of my insecurity and that I feel he hasn´t been fully truthfull, and I´m looking for info. So ... in the aftermath of that discussion he brings up more details that he has knowingly been keeping from me.

Does this ever end! If he had been a good lier, and stuck to his gunns, I might have come around to thinking that he has told all, but his guilt was killing him (GOOD!) so he came clean. I honestly belive that somethings WH really doesn´t remember, or hasn´t thought to tell me. But when he does add details, that brings me back to square one! Now I´m getting paranoid that there is more ... when will I know everything ... I guess I know that I will never know EVERYTHING, but when will this crazy, insane suspicious person that I have become STOP.

not edited for spelling

NS I am so there with you....I'm fully expecting more to come out (hoping NOT!)and I have also been very tempted to contact the OW. the only thing that holds me back is I know SHE loves it! I've also been tempted to call the OWBF, but I feel if he finds out anything he's going to call me again - this last d-day/NC is due to him anyway. I'v ejsut been trying very hard to look forward and when I start thinking of revenge, I just tell myself that having a happy, healthy marriage is the best revenge and that FWH didn't really get away with it - even if I have no way of knowing that I know everything, I know the guilt will eventually catch up wiht him.

We just got back from our spring break, it was good. H had asked me if we could have a vacation from our marital problems as well, I said I would do what I could, but didn’t know if I could just push it out of my mind. It was actually easier than I thought not to talk and think about our problems. On the few occasions that I thought about the A or any other problem for that matter, I didn’t mention it at all.
My concern though is that if I continue to do that, that we will not address our problems, and work on them, we will find ourselves in this situation again or divorced. If we are just going to pretend everything is OK, I would rather just get it over with and leave. I have been thinking about waiting to see if H initiates us working on our M, but worried that then I’m just setting him up for failure.
Another thing that I’ve been coming back to is that I feel it is so unfair that it is my decision whether or not to divorce, which makes me feel like I would be the bad person for breaking up the marriage and not being able to forgive, rather than him, who put us in this situation.

Every body needs vacations. Everybody has to come back home though. You'll have your time.