My father and mother, ages of 65, have been maried for 40 years. It has been a good marriage and they have a son and daughter with kids of their own.

Mom has cancer and Dad is taking care of her. He has been there for mom and it is a lot of physical and mental work...he is depressed and stressed out.

Dad has been having an affair with a 45 year old woman for the past two years. It is sexual and also emotional in nature.

I am the only one that knows about it...I am the son.

I think it might be partly due to his depression and stress of taking care of Mom. That does not excuse his actions though.

I don't think he realizes what he is risking.If everyone finds out, wife's trust and love, kids trust and love, not being able to see his grandkids, etc- it could get ugly for him...alone in his older years.

There is also a thought that if Mom dies, he will remarry and this woman will get some of his money. Her kids will get it too. I don't like this at all.

What do I do?

My main goal is to keep the family intact and try to help my Dad enjoy the family he has helped to create over 40 years.

Hi ason-

First of all, welcome to MB. I'm a breast cancer survivor who found my tumor 5 weeks after my XH left me. So, from my point of view, I would tell you to do a couple of things:

First, your dad is putting on a show for everyone. He is pretending to be a loving husband while having an affair. It's a joke and he is lying to your mom, your kids, your sibling, and to anyone else.
You should confront him first, and let anyone else know who can put pressure on him to stop-this includes the OW's family (her husband, parents, kids, siblings and let them know that she is having an affair with a married man while his wife is battling cancer)his siblings, pastor, friends etc.

(If you haven't yet, read the information on the sidebar about how to survive infidelity to get Dr. Harley's advice on this).

Second, post this on General Questions II where more of the veterans can give you their advice on this very complicated and sensitive situation.

Cancer treatment is so fatiguing that I can understand you wanting to keep this from your mom, but don't you think she deserves to know the truth about her own marriage? Since my WH had already left me when I was diagnoses, I can't really tell you if it would be best to tell her, but I do think she deserves to know the truth.

I understand you wanting to keep the family intact, but your dad's actions have already destroyed this. He is putting on a show where he is the "loving husband", but he isn't. He is a lying, cheating adulterer who is betraying his cancer stricken wife. He has already destroyed the family that he has created for the last 40 years. He has already destroyed your respect. Are you really going to accept this?

What if your mom recovers? Will you let him continue his charade as "loving" "supportive" husband who just happened to be banging someone else while your mom was going through cancer treatment?

What if she doesn't? Will you accept this OW as a step-mother?

Your dad needs to understand the consequences of his actions.

I'm so sorry that you are in this position.

Your dad is living a lie and your mother desperately needs to know the truth so she can protect herself from him. He is harming her behind her back and could be exposing her to STDs that she could never fight off. Additionally, if your father is having an affair, he is very likely to mismanage money to accommodate his affair.

Your mother probably does suspect something and telling her would be a great relief. Please don't disrespect her by keeping her in a state of ignorance. This does not help her but makes her absolutely vulnerable to your father and his adultery partner.

Your F and this skank are being profoundly cruel to your mother and the whole family should know so they can all protect themselves from the intrusion of this very cruel, thoughtless woman.

Exposing this affair to the whole family will be doing a good deed for a father. He cannot ever straighten out if you help him hide his dirty secret.

Let me tell you something else. If you keep this hidden, this skank will likely show up at your mothers funeral. My husbands OW came to my childs funeral and my fathers 35 yr mistress came to my fathers funeral. Waywards have no shame and such acts of indecency are well within their scope and level of classic behavior.


I would attribute his depression to his affair. Affairs cause enormous depression because one must crush his conscience in order to behave in such a self degrading manner. Affairs do not make people happy, they destroy their souls and kill their consciences. His affair is making his situation worse for him, not better.

Thanks for the responses! You guys are tough!
All good recommendations though...I am torn.

From one perspecitve, what happens between man and wife is their own business. even if it is my parents. They don't know everything i have done over the years in my bachelor days. How I acted,my adventures. I am sure they wouldn't be 100 percent pleased

From another perspective, I am worried that our family that has been built from good and tough times..a strong family unit is teetering on the edge of ruin and I am the catalyst to make this happen...scary thought. My sister will be crushed. She idolizes Dad. We both have grandkids, etc..they love him.

What if I try to guide him a bit...send him an email from a fake email address and tell him that people know he is cheating with this woman, mention her name, state that he is risking everything he has built for over 40 years. Imagine not seeing your son, daughter and grandkids ever again,etc...

Maybe I send one to the woman too?

As a first step...

I have to disagree with your here because this isn't happening BETWEEN and man and his wife. It's happening "between" your dad and his adultery partner.

Your suggestion to "guide him" a bit with a fake email address etc. is a deception and trying to get a liar to confess by lying doesn't usually work. It also sounds like an avoidance technique.

You need to confront him, straight on-man to man. Tell him that you know and others know. Tell him what he is risking in terms of his kids and grandkids, and the respect of others as he continues to "pretend" to be a loving husband while he is cheating on his cancer stricken wife.

Tell him you expect him to end the affair, tell his wife, and get some people around him to hold him accountable.

If he says he can't, then let him know what you will do.

Here are some suggestions:
You will tell the truth to all those who can put any pressure on your dad to end his affair.
You will not allow this OW to be part of your life or that of your kids.
You will not lie for him or support him in doing this. (BTW, lies of omission are still lies).

Be honest but be truthful.

geez...you are tough.

so i guess i tell him that i snooped into his email account and saw the emails.

Then I tell him I know he is cheating.

Then ask him what is going on from his perspective?

When I do this...life as we know it...ends...

This is gonna be a whole lot of fun...just friggin' great.

Infidelity is never fun. It's horribly destructive to everyone it touches. Life as you know already ended as soon as you discovered his affair.

You must have had a sense that something wasn't right, or you wouldn't have snooped. I'm sure your mom has a sense of it too, but may not have had the energy to pursue it right now.

Tell him that you know he is cheating on your mom and HOW you found out isn't important, the important thing is that you KNOW.

Don't ask him about his perspective. If you've read anything on this site you know all you will hear is fog babble. He will be full of justifications.

Tell him he needs to man-up and come clean. He needs to be the man he raised you to be.

You mentioned the possibility of this OW becoming part of your dad's life IF your mom dies. What if she doesn't? A marriage can't survive having a third person in it.

Just remember, HE caused this mess and all the damage that will ensue - not you. You're simply relaying vital information.

one thought that nobody brought up...what if my Mom and Dad had an agreement awhile back? maybe they had an open relationship?

I highly doubt it.

The point i am making here is that everyone has assumed that there is one bad guy in this deal and that's the Dad...you need to think of all the options...prior to a confrontation.

let's say my mom does know exactly what is going on...but she doesn't want to deal with it...by me getting in the middle of things...I am going against my mother wishes,etc...

food for thought

asonsjourney,

Wow, what a horrible position your F has put you in. This has got to be terribly diffucult for you. I had to scratch my head and try to put myself in your shoes to understand what I would do. Don't think I have ever imagined it.

So here you sit between the love and loyalty to your M and the love loyalty of your F. Here's food for thought. When your F married your M and started this family, his OW was five years old! Doesn't sound like something he sould be messing with, now or then, does it?

OTOH, does it make sence for a 45 year old to take up with a man twenty years her senior? She's either a very messed up emotional wreck, or a goldigger.

What do you know about this OW? I would suggest a complete background and criminal check. Might cost you a few bucks, but well worth it to protect your F's 40 year legacy. She could be in this for the money and is preying on your F because she know's he is weak and vunerable right now.

Family is family, and you need to enlist the support of your siblings to help combat this. The burden should not be all on your shoulders. I would start my exposure there. Time to brainstorm and come up with a workable end to this nonsence.

I do wish you well,

All Blessings,
Jerry

Maybe you are going a little overboard here in the option shopping?

I can't think of any other way to characterize a man who is cheating on his dying wife. Can you?


If that is the case, then what would be the problem with telling her about the affair? Did you think of that?

You were upset by the A, you do not want OW in your life or your kid´s life, so I would say he betrayed you (aswell as your mother). You can confront him on your own terms. Say you know, and that you are deeply hurt by this and that you expect him to do the right thing and end it.
Take it one step at a time, just begin with that. And I am not a veteran to MB, or an "expose all person". But I do believe in being true to your self, and you were upset by this, you will not forget it, and you can´t deal with it unless you confront your father.

well, my mom is winning

I just spent one hour on the phone with her.

Many topics discussed, family, kids, Dad, Sister, Me, Grandkids...she ended it with how great her husband is to her and takes care of her and manages to keep it all together.

I have decided to not confront my father directly. If I do, I am absolutely convinced that it will effect how he takes care of Mom in a negative way. If this is the quality of life my Mom is okay with...than I am okay with it for now.

I am going to take a different tact...a little more subtle and sly...yet maybe it will do the job.

I am going to send an email as if it were a remote friend from the OW. Stating how, being a god fearing person with morals, that she can stand by any longer..that he should know how devious a woman she really is and that the town knows what is going on and what he is doing to his lovely wife with cancer, etc...

It might give him seconc thouhgts and place uncertainty with this OW.

If that doesn't work, I will confront him myself in 3 to 4 weeks.

My Mom is living moment by moment...70% of the days are crap...I can not be responsible for crushing the remaining 30% of her positive days while she fights her cancer...

Sorry to not follow the hardcore rules of this website, but there are constraints and circumstances that truly effect how I should act.

Thats great news for your Mom!

Regarding your father...
Deception is never the answer. While you may have yet to discover the best way to approach this with a sick mother, a backchannel faux email is not the way to do it.