Ill try to make this quick but heres some background. I have been married for almost 11 years, we have 3 kids 13, 10, and 7. I am only 30 years old and live in CT while my entire family(and his) live in Pa. So we dont have much of a life. Anyways, I got a job 2 years ago(part-time) but even 2 days a week equals full time pay for me anywhere else.(i was a stay at home mom for most of marriage)So I got credit cards in my name and did not tell my husband. He decided to take over the finances because he said I was sloppy with it and then he saw the payments coming out of our account. When questioned I told him I have credit cards. Even while I was doing the finances he looked at our accounts on occasion and could have seen these payments. I may not have told him I had credit cards but I was not going out of my way to hide them. Not to mention the debt that I incurred was from buying food, oil, and concert tickets he wanted. I admit that there is no excuse for being dishonest with him. I was wrong no matter what my reasons are so I wont even try to justify my actions. Back to point...He says he wants to stay in the marriage but he has no choice but to come down on me like a 9lb hammer. I told him that I am in agreement with his budget plan and am willing to work with him to make it work. I told him I think that we should have weekly budget meetings to help us stay on track, help us to communicate openly about our finances. I told him that I need to feel like an equal in this matter and to be treated as an adult. He said that I didnt act like an adult and that he has total control I can see everything and that hell agree to meetings but he is the decider and if I dont like it he will just get a separate account. Which I said may be a good idea for both of us so we can both feel independent but right now we need to pool all of our funds to get everything back on track and to even maintain a budget. Our expenses have always outweighed our income. I am more than willing to try to work together but I will not be treated like a child. I screwed up but that does not mean I shouldnt be treated as an equal. He is still so angry with me that there is no talking to him. He is unwilling to find a compromise that will work for both of us. Anytime I try to talk to him he becomes angry and insults me for getting in debt and handling money. I really dont know what to do but its been like two strangers in the same house for 2 weeks now. Its not fair to the kids, no were not arguing in front of them(all communication is through email and phone calls by his choice)but we are obviously off. I want my marriage to work but I am unwilling to be this submissive wife. I watched my mother do this for 20 years until finally my father had an affair and she is much better off. Please help.

Wow, I wish this was our only problem. My husband hid credit cards in a secret PO box from me year after year -- I was in denial -- turns out he has a porn addiction problem, but of course, that's another thread entirely. Anways, job problems with my husband and secret credit cards and here we are $35K later. I can say from experience, get rid of the credit cards. The life changing, pivotal must-read for finance is Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. You should both read it and make a mutal decision about money for your future before you wind up like me. Yes, your husband should back off; but, he does have your best interests at heart. Love each other.

I wish it was true that he has my best interests at heart but I really dont believe that. It is his interest that is his concern. He is just too angry but as long as I agree to everything he wants it will be fine. Since I wont agree to all of his terms he now wont even talk to me. Just this morning he took our family vehicle to work. I told him I needed the truck because the kids all have activities after school today. He replied that the car works(its a beater) so I can use that. Now this is just petty bs. There is no way for me to reach him. I have been very calm throughout all of this (normally I yell) because I know I was the one who was wrong. My credit card debt is just under 5000. None of it seems to matter when he has no interest in finding a way for both of us to be happy. Instead he will threaten to get that separate account or continue to call me names. The longer that this stalemate goes on the more distance it creates between us. I think that this may be the end if I dont agree to everything and I know that I wont be happy if I do. In fact I will resent him.

He's probably feeling pretty resentful toward you right now for racking up hidden debt and lying to him by omission. Could you agree to a temporary 'restriction' of sorts? What is it exactly that he wants that you disagree with? You agree to the budget, right? I'm guessing he wants to get rid of the cards, right? Would you agree to ditch all but one, perhaps a reward card, and agree to only use it by mutual choice?

He doesn't trust you right now, and he has every right not to. You need to earn that back. You could probably go a long way with him right now if you would humble yourself and admit that you have screwed this up, and therefore you understand and support that he, as the more responsible party at the moment, take control of your financial lives for a period of time (ideally, however long you've worked out to pay off this debt), but that after that, there needs to be some give. You can't prove that you are again trustworthy unless you are given the freedom to prove it. He may not agree to that right now, because he's mad. So in that case, best thing for you to do right now is everything you can to fix your mess; work extra to earn more, give up things to put that money toward the debt, heck, sell stuff on Ebay. Once he sees you being proactive to repair the damage, he'll be more likely to renegotiate the 'terms'.

But you have to step up and quit crying about having to pay the price for your deception. Drive the 'beater' and be happy that you have a car at all. Why do your expenses exceed your income? It's not that hard to bring that into line. All you have to do is realize that NO expenses are fixed.

Its not about what I drive, its that fact that while he is being spiteful to me it affects the kids. One door doesnt open and my middle daughter complains that it smells and gets migraines. I have admitted to my mistakes and stepped up to the plate. Nor am I crying about taking responsibility for my actions however the money is both of ours. No matter what I did it does not give anyone the right to control another.
HIS EMAIL....
We have two accounts and one will ONLY be used for food/supplies, your smokes, and gas, that's all. I will put the money into this account for you. Simple!
You will not need to use/transfer anything from our other account. This will be managed by me. You'll have to write checks for school lunches and cover the monthly payments for your credit card from that account, but that's all, I got the rest, I mean EVERYTHING else.
Look, I accept your apologies and I do love you too. I really don't want this to destroy us, but I am still, so utterly disgusted at this [censored] I can't even begin to tell you. Worst part about it, it's not even the money that pisses me off. We have a long way to go before I can forgive/forget this fiasco. You need to rebuild my trust. I'm tired of the careless spending and I'm going to come down like a 9lb. hammer. It HAS to happen.
I decided against opening an individual account to demonstrate that I am committed to work this through for our sake, for the family's sake. If you continue to push for equal say I will go forward with another account. From then on, you'll have to ask me for any and all money needed. Really, its your call, but make no mistake about it, your "one thing" is a Pandora's Box that may eventually lead to the demise of this relationship. You might want to stop and ask yourself if it's really worth that before we go down this road, I sure as hell don't want to. You'll need to prove yourself. Until then, my "total control" over our finances is the only way it's going to be. I will appreciate suggestions and ideas (like a Sunday budget meeting, I do like that) and open discussions on expenses, but please, make no mistake about it, I am "The Decider."

My Response...
I am in total agreement with your budget plan and utilizing both of our accounts. I believe that will help to manage our finances better and make the budget work. I agree not to transfer funds/write checks or do anything with our funds without first discussing it with you. That is why I suggested the weekly budget meetings to discuss the past week to see if we can do anything to improve our spending habits and to discuss the upcoming week. I just dont deserve to be treated as a child. I want us to work jointly on this as an equal without restrictions. Again I wont do anything without first talking with you but I can't just accept you having total control. The money is both of ours. Furthermore, you want me to earn back your trust which is why I believe by working as equals it will help us to communicate better about our finances and at the same time over time prove to you that I am going to be open and honest about everything.

Look at it from his perspective: You lied to him, kept a secret from him that affects both of your futures, as well as the future of your children. If you want to come out of this with him respecting your opinions, you must first look at how he sees it. Now look at why you did what you did- what was the reason you opened accounts in secret? That is probably a bigger issue that you need to address. Often, when one person works full time and the other doesn't, the person who works full time feels more entitled to the money. Think of the cost of childcare and add that to your salary- when you are staying home with the kids, you are probably working just as hard- if not harder- as him. You have to look at all of the aspects of this situation, and the reasons you have for doing what you did, and calmly and honselty explain to him those reasons. Once you have opened up, tell him you respect his feelings, and that you will be honest and open going forward, because it is very important that you are equals in the relationship. Hopefully he will be willing to listen (though if he is angry, you may have to try more than once).

Thanks for your advice. I was so busy saying Im sorry and my reasons didnt matter since there is no excuse for dishonesty in the first place. It never even occurred to me that he needed to hear the why. So we sat down last night and talked. It was tough going at first but I stayed calm and tried to explain my reasoning behind my actions. I also made it clear that I wasnt trying to justify my actions for there is no reason to be dishonest. I just wanted him to try to understand where I was coming from. He actually said he could understand my point. From there we both tried to express our thoughts and feelings clearly and made sure we both understood. He is still upset about it but he has at least made peace with me. He has agreed to treat me as an equal while I agreed not to do anything with the finances without first talking to him. We will also have the weekly budget meetings. I feel really positive about this. I reached him last night like I never was able to do before. I am also hoping that as we work together I can prove to him that I am committed to a budget and being honest. I think that we can use this experience to have a better marriage and help us to communicate better. So thanks again I really didnt expect things to go so well.